WrestleMania 23 (2007)

Montage of WrestleManias past. You know, the usual. We’re returning to Detroit, where WrestleMania was held 20 years earlier. Thus, there is also a montage of WrestleMania 3. Vince announces that America the Beautiful will be sung by Aretha Franklin. Arethamania runs wild on every single note, but I don’t begrudge her some showboating. There’s an awesome montage of Superstars doing a “when we were young” bit, complete with old pictures and kids doing impressions of them. For the first time, ECW will be represented along with RAW and Smackdown this year. Hurray for the little third brand that could!

Most impressive opening pyro yet, if I do say so. We’ve got JR and King on commentary(natch), JBL is joining Cole this year, and Taz is representing ECW with Joey Styles.

We start off with the best of the best: Money in the Bank. You all remember how this works, and how much I anticipate these matches. We’ve got Jeff Hardy, making his triumphant return to WrestleMania after five years. Booker T is now King Booker after winning the King of the Ring tournament. Finlay’s back. He still loves to fight. CM Punk is making his WrestleMania debut. He’s also the first ECW wrestler to be featured in WrestleMania. I won’t call him my beloved CM Punk (as we have seen, that particular endearment belongs to another), but if it weren’t for Chris Jericho, Mr. Punk would reign supreme in my wrestling affections. Just so you know. We also have Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy. He announces himself, which would be silly if he wasn’t so badass. It’s his first WrestleMania, too. And Matt Hardy's back, of course. Always the contender, never the winner. He’s up against Jeff, so: family drama! Good Heavens, Randy Orton is muddying up my Money in the Bank. Impress me, Randy. I love everyone in this ring except you, despite my present day feelings about Matt and Jeff Hardy. What? Edge is here too?!? I...am so excited for this match. I will likely squee.

Everyone comes out swinging. Edge tries to be sneaky early on, as is his wont, but Matt stops him. There’s a good pace set up from the beginning, with so much going on that I don’t know where to look! No Shelton Benjamin, which is disappointing, but I suspect I won’t mind too much. Attention is paid to the potential matchups of Matt and Edge, Matt and Jeff, and Edge and Orton (they used to be tag partners), but the attention paid to their histories isn’t too distracting. Matt and Jeff end up battling atop a ladder, but Finlay puts a stop to that nonsense. He’s not going to win, but man it’s fun to watch him brawl. Edge goes on a spear spree until he is stopped by Punk. Matt tries to get Jeff to work with him against Edge instead of going for the briefcase and after some indecision (which would work if Jeff could act) Jeff obliges his brother in his usual extreme fashion and he actually does some damage, as the “X” is signalled. To quote JBL, “Damn that Jeff Hardy! Damn him!”

 Everything pauses while Jeff and Edge are looked after, but then picks up again. Orton takes centre stage for a bit, then he and Punk battle atop a pair of ladders. Then it’s Orton and Booker. Then Booker and poor Matt, but Queen Sharmell is there to help her man. Matt still comes out on top, and it looks like he just...might...win. You guys, he totally won’t. Finlay is bleeding from the head and it looks nasty, though he’s grinning like a mad Irishman. Oh Christ, it’s Hornswoggle. The leprechaun. Sigh. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Finlay, no! Stay hardcore, don’t embrace this cartoon! Mr. Kennedy deals with the leprechaun and I’m sorry, but it’s always funny when people throw Hornswoggle around. Finlay’s still going for it, but here comes CM Punk! He breaks a ladder with a drop kick! Mr. Kennedy won’t let him have the briefcase without a fight. And Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy wins!

Aah, that was most satisfying. Great match, all! Great pace, great stories, great ending. There was tension, there was fightin,’there was everything I love. Well done, young guys! (and Finlay).

Todd Grisham interviews the new Mr. Money in the Bank backstage. Kennedy is so awesome at being an asshole.

And now we’re going to learn about Dave Batista. Look, Batista had a rough childhood and he worked hard...but I don’t like him, I just don’t.

Speaking of uninteresting, it’s the Great Khali representing RAW in an interbrand match. The Great Khali is big. That’s all you need to know. Kane is representing Smackdown. There’s no one else I’d rather have in my corner, though I’d like to see Kane get better matches. Kane is going to carry the hell out of this match. All Khali can really do is shove and throw, which Kane sells like the pro he is. The crowd is on Team Kane. The match is slow, because Khali is slow. Unfortunate. You can feel the crowd slipping away. After doing his damndest to make this match interesting, Kane has to lose to Khali. Poor Kane. We all know who the real winner was here.

Diva montage! The women...are being celebrated? What...what is this happy place?

Good heavens, Eugene is hanging out with Cryme Tyme. And the Extreme Expose. The less said the better. Much better. Ugh. However, a dance party breaks out with many legends of times past. I can’t fault that. Okay, that was kind of cool.

It’s MVP! This is his first WrestleMania and he comes with cheerleaders and a rather impressive entrance. He’s a bad guy here, but I like him. He’s competing for the US championship, held by Chris Benoit. It’s interesting hearing JBL talking about Benoit, since they just fought last year. I like the dynamic these two have going. MVP is cocky and swaggering, trash talking and trying to be flashy. Benoit is calm, but it’s the controlled calm of a veteran. He’s looking to take this young guy to school. They both have one thing on their mind—winning—but their contrasting attitudes are fun to watch. JBL comments that Benoit is sure to go into the Hall of Fame one day and I cringe. 

MVP tries to get technical with Benoit and beat him at his own game, but you can’t beat the tenacity of the Wolverine. MVP unfortunately unleashes his special move—Ballin'—which I have always hated.

  As it looks like Benoit is really struggling against this young upstart he gets back into things, reminding us of why he’s great. The crowd is ecstatic to see him claw back, like we all knew he could. And Benoit wins.

That was a good match. I liked that Benoit let MVP have the upper hand and show off for awhile. He didn’t have a Miraculous Comeback—he made sure we knew that he had to work to beat the young guy. He didn’t win by awesomeness alone. This is part of why he was so great. JBL sings his praises. Yeah, that's hard to watch.

Donald Trump is backstage, being Trump-like. And the Boogeyman is here too. Blech. This would be funnier if I cared about either of them.

Hall of Fame.  Inducted this year are the Wild Samoans, the Sheik, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect (Curt Hennig), Jerry Lawler, and Dusty Rhodes. The Fink introduces us to the new class of 2007. Curt Hennig is represented by his family and the Sheik is represented by his wife.

It seems that dramatic events took place, as they often seem to, at the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker won and chose to face Batista at WrestleMania for the World Heavyweight belt, and thus began a back and forth that took place on Smackdown running up to WrestleMania. Maybe it’s because I know how this is going to go, maybe it’s because I just don’t like Batista, but I’m having a hard time getting psyched for this match, epic montages notwithstanding.

Smackdown GM (and former ref) Theodore Long announces the match. The crowd is excited to see Batista, even if I’m not. Well done, Detroit. You beat Chicago in spades. I’m also impressed at how much credence is being given to this SmackDown match, as compared to last year. Taker out-entrances Batista, as expected. Druids chanting with fire and darkness and bells tolling and fog and epic and whatnot. You know, the usual. Taker takes his time getting to the ring, just because he can. If Batista could act, he’d be looking a bit like his resolve was wavering. Mostly he looks confused. I don’t know where Taker keeps the Druids when he’s not using them either, Dave.

Batista takes charge early. The crowd is divided. Can I say how much I’m enjoying JBL and Cole on commentary together? Because I am. Taker gets his own back, as he does. You’d think I’d get tired of that, but I never do. That’s how awesome he is. You know what? I’m going to give Batista some props. All he has to do is react to getting beat up, and he does it well. He also looks appropriately desperate and at the end of his rope when he tries to get his own back. His moves still aren’t interesting, but I’m giving him some credit. He also puts Taker through a table, which is no mean feat. I can’t tell if it’s the Spanish or the ECW table, but either way that sort of thing is just uncalled for! Ooh, the crowd is not happy when it looks like Batista might win. Luckily, Taker gets a Chokeslam in...but Batista kicks out! Check it out: Tension in a Batista match! Granted, a great deal of it is due to the Undertaker, but I have to say that Batista is mostly doing a good job of holding his own. A Tombstone ends things and gives Taker the belt. 15-0, bitches. Good match, Smackdown!

Backstage with Vince and Steph. Hi, Steph!

Poor Taz and Joey Styles haven’t had their table replaced.  They finally get to do commentary though, for an 8 man tag match featuring the ECW roster. Some info on ECW, the WWE's "third brand:" ECW was first founded as a wrestling promotion in 1992 and closed in 2001. The WWE then bought ECW and in 2006 made it into another "brand," like SmackDown, but it never ranked in importance with Raw or Smackdown. It was still an enjoyable little show, though. ECW's legacy is extreme or hardcore matches, still fondly remembered by its fans. The actual value of said matches is still up for debate...

Anyway, our first team is called the ECW Originals—Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam. They’re being billed as men of the people, toiling through the small town equivalent that is ECW. They are fighting against the New Breed—Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke. Young vs Old, that kind of thing. Sabu has very shiny pants. RVD’s the only one who has been at WrestleMania before. I like this. The young guys are flashy, but everyone clearly knows what they’re doing. It’s really a great way to showcase ECW, both what it has been and what it could be. It’s a great tag match too—the New Breed tag a lot, making quick changes, keeping things exciting. Taz is in his element, crowing about how awesome it is that ECW is here at WrestleMania. RVD is...RVD, which is to say, he is awesome and I could watch him flip about for hours. Things turn into a bit of a brawl, which is extreme and therefore totally appropriate. RVD pins Striker for his team. That match was too short by far, but that’s life when you’re in an ECW match in a WWE PPV. Still, good stuff, guys! Very extreme.

Ehhh. Battle of the Billionaires between Mr. McMahon and Donald Trump. The loser also loses his hair. Each billionaire will be represented by an actual wrestler, Vince by Umaga, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion, and Trump by Bobby Lashley, who also happens to be ECW Champion. Stone Cold will be refereeing. Ehh. I like Umaga and I love Stone Cold, but you all know how I feel about these types of matches. Just...no. I would rather have seen Umaga and Lashley (though I don’t care about him) have title defense matches.

Mr. McMahon, Trump, Umaga, and Lashley all enter separately and each entrance takes FOREVER. I just want this to be over. Umaga and Lashley start off with a stare down. They’re both big, intimidating guys, particularly Umaga. Lashley is more entertaining than he was in Money in the Bank last year. Umaga and Stone Cold have a stare down, and then the Rattlesnake gets more directly involved. Umaga has to be careful and not disrespect the ref. This really isn’t a bad match. I like it when big guys do more than just lumber around (oh hai, KHALI). Stone Cold refuses to do a double count out. Then Shane comes to assist his dad...for some reason. The pace to this match is way off. It should be faster, but there’s a weird dynamic to it that I’m not understanding.

Umaga accidentally takes out Stone Cold and Shane gets involved, taking it to Lashley along with Umaga. Shane gets in his one awesome move. Oh, and Shane’s got ref stripes on under his shirt (that’s all you need to be an official ref, apparently). Stone Cold gets up just in time to prevent Shane stealing one for his Dad. Umaga...takes him out again. Ok, this can be over now. Donald takes it to Vince, Stone Cold Stuns Umaga, and Lashley picks up the win. Wow, was Lashley ever lucky. Surely Vince won’t consent to losing his hair? That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person! Austin tries to bring him to justice, Shane interferes, Austin does what he does, Vince tries to sneak away. Lashley decides to be useful and chases Vince down, depositing him in the ring. Stone Cold Stuns him, they get him in the barber’s chair and the clippers come out. How shocking! How totally worth all the time being wasted here! Ok, enough. This great WrestleMania has been stalled long enough. After being totally chill and drinking beer while Mr McMahon’s head was shaved, Stone Cold Stuns Trump. Because he can and that’s why we love him.

Apparently before things got serious tonight there was a lumberjack match between Chavo and Carlito, which Carlito won. Boy, I would have liked to see that instead of that Billionaire Bullshit.

Lumber “jill” match—clever, that—for the Women’s Championship. Most of the women are wearing ridiculous attire when they will be expected to get physical at some point. Sigh. Our first competitor is Ashley. Ah, yes, Ashley. Winner of the Diva Search. Ashley works this whole poseur punk, bad girl angle that I have always found irritating in both men and women. She’s edgy! Really! I mean, she’s got dark streaks in her blond hair! She's wearing a ball cap backwards! How anti-establishment! The champion going in is Melina, whose character is a paparazzi conscious celebrity. Melina is fun to watch, and I like her a lot. I wish she was up against someone else. Anyone else. Ashley is wearing a stupid leather corset/skirt combo and it’s dumb. I just… I miss Lita.

This, children, is where the women’s division, after coming so far, will start to fall again. For starters, the women are now known officially as Divas. Granted, the men are now known as Superstars, which is equally silly, but the men have never been in danger of being the designated bits of fluff. Title matches will now be contested by the less talented members of the roster just as much as the women who can actually wrestle. The legitimate talent, after clawing its way to good WrestleMania matches and compelling storylines, is few and far between as the company starts hiring models and any number of pretty faces through the Diva Search, but not many actual wrestlers. This is just baffling. I can’t believe we went from Trish and Mickie’s awesome match with its awesome build-up to this ridiculous fanservice. This isn’t even a match. It’s “Look at all the Divas! Pretty, pretty Divas!”

Melina wins after a largely uninteresting match that the crowd could not have cared less about. For once, I can’t fault them. Melina was good, but there’s only so much you can do when style is prized so much more over substance. All the Divas then get in on the action in the ring, short skirts and all. So. Very. Progressive.

Everyone went for a snack during the women’s match and now it’s main event time: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena. Cena goes in with the title, of course. Michaels hasn’t held the title for nine years and he’s come to face Cena after defeating Randy Orton and Edge. There is some very slow music playing over a montage of the two men. It is extremely jarring. I feel like I’m in a spa. A relaxing, WrestleMania spa. It gets more epic, but that doesn’t really help. Man, this build up is taking forever. It’s John Cena and Shawn Michaels. I know it’s going to be huge.

Shawn enters to the DX theme, for some reason. He’s not even wearing DX colours, so...what? He’s actually World Tag Team Champion with John Cena right now...but that’s not DX. So...what? And yes, the Tag Champions are, in fact, also fighting each other for the WWE title. I’ve used up all my ranting on the women’s match, I forgot to lament the equal decline of the tag division. Neither of them even have their tag belts with them!

Cena speeds in car to get to WrestleMania. It’s pretty impressive and really the only way to top HBK’s usual bedazzled stroll down the entrance ramp. The crowd isn’t much impressed, sadly. There’s even a “Die Cena” sign. Oh, calm down. I have never understood extreme Cena haters. He’s fun, he’s likable, and he puts on a good show. Admittedly, his constant winning gets irritating, but, come on. He’s our hero. He has to win.

Despite what the crowd would have you believe, Cena is doing a very good job here, though he’s mostly suffering an HBK assault. He’s intense, he’s struggling, and he looks like he’s being hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate a Miraculous Comeback, but still. Shawn, meanwhile, is looking like a big jerk, utterly relentless. It’s a side we don’t often see of the fun loving, wise cracking, flashy HBK, and I love it.

As expected, John starts to get his own back, and it takes the wind out of Shawn’s sails. Suddenly he’s bloody and hurt. And suddenly John has forgotten that he’s been limping. Oh, John. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is executed to a chorus of boos. CHILL OUT, DETROIT.

HBK accidentally super kicks the ref when Cena ducks. Whoops. Guess who that was? Yup, Mike Chioda, probably the most abused ref in WrestleMania history.

Shawn’s face is all bloody and boy is he mad. He piledrives Cena onto the ring steps. Detroit has a field day, but I mostly wince. Another ref FINALLY runs in, like, way to pay attention, refs! There are several near pins, and each man clearly has no idea how they can pull this off, becoming more desperate. They each amount what should be devastating attacks, but to no avail. I like that after each attempt they have to take some time to recover, making it clear that all their energy is being expended.

Cena eventually wins after Shawn taps out. That was a tad unsatisfying. Shawn took control so early and tended to dominate the match after that. As I’ve said, Cena did an excellent job selling how hurt he was while still appearing as a legitimate opponent, but then he would mount a Miraculous Comeback that he really shouldn’t have been able to do considering how much punishment he had taken. It was more believable later on in the match when they were both clearly exhausted. Cena should have gotten more hits earlier. The furious flurry of counters that occurred later in the match should have been the norm from the beginning. I just didn’t buy that Shawn was done for enough to tap out.

Cena tries to catch up and reconcile with Shawn after the match, because he is a good guy (shut up, Detroit, you know it’s true!), but HBK is having none of it.

The end! That was a really good WrestleMania, with only a small amount of sour notes. Yay!   

Short Highlights:

Long Highlights:

WrestleMania 22 (2006)

We’re in Chicago this year. Michelle Williams, of Destiny’s Child fame, sings America the Beautiful. She looks thrilled to be here. Cue montage of patriotic shenanigans, followed by a montage of WrestleManias past. That’s the kind of montage I like. There are cool bits showing guys like Triple H and the Undertaker in the past compared to how they look now. Montage of…Chicago? Don’t push it with the montages. Montage of matches to come. AAARGH!

Are we going to start now? Promise? Well, if you insist. Tell me about it, JR! Lawler, Taz, and Cole are here too, of course.

We start off with a tag contest for the World Tag Championship. Carlito spits in the face of those who don’t want to be cool and is tagging with Chris Masters, “The Masterpiece,” possessor of the Master Lock.

Admission time: I don’t like Chris Masters. Not here, not in the present. I do not find him interesting. And his apparel is ugly. Big Show and Kane are tagging together and currently hold the belts. That is one formidable team. I am excited for this match just to see the two of them toss Carlito and Masters around. JR points out that this is the first time that this belt has been contested in a traditional two on two format at WrestleMania. I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks, JR!

As expected, Big Show just kind of steamrolls over Carlito and Masters. Kane follows suit. I never tire of watching Kane tossing people and hitting them. It is awesome. Masters gets the Master Lock in (heavens!), but Show breaks it up. After a choke slam to Carlito, Kane picks up the win for his team. The young guys didn’t come off as overly bright, but I can’t be bothered to care. Kane and Big Show head off to keep on kicking ass and taking names. As they should.

Carlito and Masters then have a tiff in the ring. Move on, boys. No one cares.

Coach is backstage to interview Shawn Michaels. HBK will be facing Mr. McMahon in a No Holds Barred match later on. He gives a very intense promo of what Mr. McMahon can expect later.

Money in the Bank! Hurrah! Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin (also the Intercontinental Champion), Finlay, Rob Van Dam, Bobby Lashley, and Ric Flair are participating. God only knows why Flair is here. I do not want to see this old man fall off a ladder. And Lashley…sigh. Still, with Matt, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay and RVD, there are bound to be some good bits in this match.

Yup. I thank God every day for RVD and Shelton Benjamin, just for matches like this. I can’t even explain what they are doing.

 Oh my God, Matt Hardy just killed Ric Flair! Wait, no, he’s just hurt. Holy hell, he’s REALLY hurt, the ref just made the special “X” sign they do when real injuries occur. Well, thanks for coming out, Flair.

And…Flair is staggering back in. Don’t do it, Ric! He slugs Finlay and then takes a stab at climbing the ladder. Matt ruins things for him AGAIN, but Flair takes out him and Benjamin. Finlay makes quick work of him with his trusty shillelagh, though. Then Benjamin takes out Finlay, then Lashley takes out both of them (using a ladder to knock over the ladder. Clever, that.). Then RVD is awesome.

Matt climbs again. He and Finlay go down together. With the crowd chanting “ECW,” RVD has a go. Shelton Benjamin leaps in OUT OF NOWHERE! He and Matt slug it out before falling, and RVD wins. Hurray for him!

That…wasn’t the best match. Flair shouldn’t have been there and Lashley is boring. Everyone mostly took turns lying around while two men did something. Then there was the endless sequence of one person climbing only to be taken out and so on and so on. Thank heaven for Shelton Benjamin and RVD.

Josh Matthews is backstage, sporting a truly awful hair cut. He interviews Gene Okerlund, who is rudely interrupted by Randy Orton, who still hasn’t mastered delivering long stretches of dialogue. He is interrupted by Batista. Oh, joy. Orton and Batista face to face. How…interesting. And by interesting I mean boring. There is much glaring and clenching of jaws. Riveting!

Hall of Fame time! Bret Hart has been inducted, but isn’t here. This year’s class also includes Mean Gene, Sensational Sherri, Tony Atlas, Verne Gagne, William Perry (the Refrigerator), the Black Jacks, Eddie Guerrero (represented by his wife, Vickie, and nephew, Chavo). Yeah, this is where I start crying. All of the other new Hall of Famers come over and hug Vickie. Aww, Taz was totally crying too.

Back to fightin’. Chris Benoit is defending the United States Championship against JBL, the dastardly wrestling god. Benoit is still being announced from Atlanta, sigh. He is, of course, not just representing himself, but also Eddie, whom he inducted into the Hall of Fame. This is a pretty emotionally charged match, and it should be a good one. Both of these guys are very physical.

JBL is straight up evil, mockingly imitating Eddie’s signature gestures and moves. It’s up to Benoit to defend himself and his dead friend. As I predicted, this match gets very physical, very fast. There are flying fists, feet, and bodies from the get-go. Neither of these men is too flashy in style, but they still know how to put on a compelling match. Benoit also uses a couple of Eddie’s moves, in tribute, of course. I just love what a bastard JBL is. At one point he uses Jillian, his secretary/whatever, as a shield, at another time he latches on to the ref. And then he cheats to win. I really don’t think he could have done anything to make us hate him more.

Edge is taking on Mick Foley in a hardcore match. Mick has promised to show up in his former crazy, hardcore form. Edge is apprehensive, but determined. He is also accompanied by Lita, who famously betrayed Matt Hardy to be with him. I don’t want to delve into that whole nightmare, but I do want to point out how shitty the whole deal was for Lita.

After the fiasco came to light, Lita was labeled a whore and a whore she stayed, right to the end of her career. Matt got to play the victim and Edge worked the whole thing into his sleazy rock star persona. Neither of their careers were really affected by it. I mean, Matt was let go, but he came back. Lita could not be separated from the fact that she cheated on Matt Hardy. People were horrible to her, though you wouldn’t know it nowadays. Nope, now everyone only remembers that she was one of the greatest female wrestlers the WWE has ever seen. Make no mistake: no one was interested in Lita’s talent in the ring at this time. She was called every disgusting name one can apply to a woman, and it was wrong. Edge was a rock star, Matt was a victim, Lita was a whore. For shame, WWE and fans.

Back to the match. Edge, that jerk, is still announced as being from Toronto. I think he and Lita made an excellent bad-guy team, my other opinions notwithstanding. The crowd is excited to see Mick in action again, and he goes right to work on Edge, but Edge is more than equal to beating up on the loveable old guy. Edge goes for the spear, but what’s this? Foley has wrapped barbed wire around his body underneath his flannel! Oh yes, Foley is good.

Lita gets involved and the fight is taken outside the ring. Edge douses Foley in lighter fluid, of all things, leaving us to contemplate how badly this is going to turn out for poor Mick. It takes a long time for those actions to come to fruition, which I love. Never underestimate the value of keeping the audience in suspense. There is more bashing and painful use of barbed wire. I am not someone who enjoys watching wrestlers bleed, especially not two of my favorites. Hardcore matches generally just make me uncomfortable. The classic thumbtacks are broken out, with Edge landing on his back amongst them. Ouch. Mick wraps wire around Mr. Socko, resulting in bloody mandible claws for Edge and Lita. Gasp! A woman was made to bleed! Oh wait, I forgot, Lita is a whore, not a person, so there’s really no horrified outcry. Sigh.

And then the lighter fluid is back. Mick pours it all out on a table outside the ring, but it’s Lita who sets the table on fire and Edge spears Mick through the ropes and onto the table. The flames are extinguished almost immediately, but…oh, my. Edge wins. I…wow. Mick and Edge are both awash in blood. Edge is shaking and staggering, and I doubt that’s an act. Mick gets a Foley chant and a standing ovation. We love you so much, Mick. He gives absolutely everything in his matches.

Backstage, Booker T and Sharmell are freaking out because the Boogeyman is after them. Yes, you read that right. No, I don’t think this is the best use of Booker T’s talents. Yes, the Boogeyman was a silly idea. No, I’m not going to talk about this match. I don’t dig it, sucka.

The Women’s Championship is held by Trish, and she will be fighting newcomer Mickie James. In the kind of well developed and intricate storyline that the women can only dream about these days, Mickie came in as Trish’s fan. Trish’s biggest fan. She gradually became creepier and more obsessive, flipping out when Trish told her to simmer down. Mickie really goes all out with her psycho persona, which apparently involves impractical ring gear—a pink flared skirt with some sort of weird fur belt thing. Interestingly, though Trish is a good guy, she is still announced as being from Toronto. JR sings Trish’s praises. Hurray for Trish!

Mickie’s a really good wrestler, but I think she’s hampered by her ring gear. I really want to know who told her to wear this. So very unwise. She always seems occupied with making sure her all her bits are covered and I don’t blame her. Still, this is a good match. It’s a shame the crowd seems to favor nutjobs over blond Canadians. Chicago, seriously, what the hell? Stop booing Trish, you jerks!
Mickie picks up the win, after the kind of match I would kill for the women to have nowadays, near wardrobe malfunctions notwithstanding. That was good—emotional, interesting, and given the time it deserved. If only the stupid crowd had cooperated.

The McMahon family is backstage, Vince looking like an orange, muscled fossil.

Casket match featuring the Undertaker (who else?) and Mark Henry. Mark Henry seems like a lovely person, but he’s another one of those guys who is just…big. He’s not interesting, either on the mic or in the ring. Despite the fact that he is taking on the Phenom, I’m just not invested in this match. I think someone just realized that the Undertaker had nothing to do this year and tossed in this match. Chicago continues to care about the stupidest things. They start up a “Henry sucks,” chant. It’s sweet of you to care about this match, Chicago, but of all the people who could be said to “suck” tonight, you pick the guy with no personality? Mark Henry apparently forgets that there are no count-outs in a Casket Match when he covers Taker. You have to put him in the casket, Mark! Pay attention! Taker still gets in some cool moves, because he’s just awesome that way. He Tombstones Mark Henry, for heaven’s sake! And then he wins. Probably the least significant win in his undefeated streak, but whatever.

Prior to this WrestleMania, Mr. McMahon instituted a ritual involving his employees kissing his ass. Literally. Yeah, let’s move on. Shawn Michaels was the only man to stand up to him, resulting in Mr. McMahon taking revenge, including having Shane recreate the infamous screw-job involving Bret Hart. Always classy, Vince. Anyway, it’s all led up to this No Holds Barred match at WrestleMania. As I’ve said before, I prefer when a McMahon isn’t directly involved in a match. It seems so self-indulgent to me. It’s not like Vince can actually wrestle; this is just going to be another bloodbath.

JR is intensely vocal during this match, having been forced to join the Kiss My Ass club himself. He is more intensely wrathful than I have ever heard him, actually. I have to wonder if he didn’t use this opportunity handed to him by the storyline to vent years of frustration.

The Spirit Squad comes to Mr. McMahon’s aid. They ares so very ridiculous, I can't even...

The only thing saving this match is that Shawn Michaels knows how to work with what he’s given. This should be a serious storyline—the lone employee taking on the autocratic boss—but it comes off as cartoonish and silly. Shane gets in on the act and things just generally go downhill. There ensues much hitting of Vince with foreign objects. Ho hum. Shane, handcuffed outside the ring, is left to ineffectually shout at HBK. Shawn does everything he can think of to make this match good, leaping from the top rope, leaping off tall ladders, etc. And then he wins. Well, that was…disappointing. What a waste of Shawn Michaels.

Triple threat match for the world heavyweight belt. In the lead-up to this match, Kurt Angle won the belt and then Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble, giving him a match against the person of his choosing at WrestleMania. Then Randy Orton said mean things about Eddie, leading Rey to put his match opportunity on the line. Randy cheated and won, meaning that he would face Angle, but Teddy Long put Rey back in the running. Poor Kurt really doesn’t have much at stake other than his belt, but whatever. The three of them get a pretty sweet montage before the match.

P.O.D performs Rey’s theme, and it sounds pretty good. I miss when Rey popped out onto the entrance ramp like he was coming out of a toaster. That was cool. This year Rey is sporting an elaborate Aztec inspired ensemble, replete with a bright, feathery bird head dress. I like this version of Randy Orton. He’s cocky and kind of cool. He also pulls off a nifty drop kick when Rey is in midair. Kurt Angle, not to be outdone, suplexes Orton and Rey AT THE SAME TIME. I know I can expect awesomeness from Angle and Rey, if Orton can keep up with them this will possibly be the match of the night.

Okay, Chicago is booing Rey Mysterio. Chicago, what is wrong with you? Nobody hates Rey! He is adorable!

Rey wins, after a weirdly short match. It felt like things were just getting started and then it was over. I am grievously disappointed. When you have two guys capable of having long, good matches, why would you cut them short like that? Aside from the fact that this was a Smackdown match and the WWE insists on treating it as the B show. Good for Rey, I guess. At least Orton held his own, for the most part, though he spent a lot of time recuperating outside the ring. That was Angle’s last WrestleMania, too. I hate that he goes out like this. For shame, WWE.

Aww, Chavo and Vickie come out to congratulate Rey. That’s nice.

John Cena and Triple H are in the main event, with Cena defending the WWE title. Cena’s trying to work an underdog angle, but it really doesn’t work. Ah, this is the famous dueling entrances bit. Triple H rises from underneath the ramp in an enormous throne, looking like a fearsome barbaric king. I absolutely believe that he’s just passing through before pillaging another village. It looks like he just walked in from some barbaric swamp. He is an intimidating man. Cena comes in as a Depression era gangster. There’s a little vignette glorifying gangsters as being of the people, which, whatever, WWE. It looks cool. As I expected, Chicago is not a fan of Mr. Cena. Chicago, you are ruining WrestleMania, I hope you realize that.

After the disappointment of the Heavyweight match, I am more than a little disgruntled at this marquee event. Smackdown got none of this pomp. Sometimes I hate you, WWE.

There’s a lot of staring and circling. I am not compelled, gentlemen, and certainly not convinced this should be the main event. Mostly Cena reacts to taking a beating at the hands of Triple H. Whenever he gets some of his own back we are treated to the dulcet tones of Chicago chanting “Cena sucks.” Chicago…shut up, just shut up.

Both men are trying to make me believe that they’re having the match of a lifetime, but I’m not buying it. Look, I like John Cena, but he is not the greatest wrestler. Still, I usually find him entertaining enough to make up for it. And Triple H is more than capable of making his opponent look good. But it’s not happening here. I don’t know why.

The match ends when Triple H taps to the FU, Cena’s cleverly named submission move. That had absolutely none of the impact as when he tapped to Benoit two years before. That was not good, boys. Not good at all.

What a disappointing WrestleMania. The women had a stellar match, and JBL and Benoit had a good match. Foley and Edge probably had the match of the night, and that wasn’t even for a title. Other than that…meh. There was also the matter of the absences of my beloved Chris Jericho as well as Christian. Sad times. Not a fan of this one. Not at all. The crowd certainly didn’t help. Let’s do better next year, shall we?

WrestleMania 21 (2005)

This year we open on a patriotic note with Lillian Garcia singing “America the Beautiful.” As expected, there are many pictures of the armed forces. A reiteration: I AM CANADIAN! Stop hitting me over the head with your military efforts. For a company that prides itself on having global appeal, they’re not very sensitive about this sort of thing. Yup, and there’s the obligatory “USA!” chant. That’s not at all obnoxious.

WrestleMania is in Hollywood this year, giving the Superstars the perfect opportunity to recreate several famous movie scenes. They are all awesome. I love it when the talent goof around; a lot of these guys are genuinely funny. We’ve got Eugene and William Regal doing Forrest Gump, Booker T and Eddie Guerrero doing Pulp Fiction, pretty much everyone doing Taxi Driver, Kurt Angle and Christy Hemme (with a cameo from Linda McMahon) in When Harry Met Sally, John Cena and JBL (with a cameo from Coach) in A Few Good Men, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Christian, Stacy Keibler, Mae Young, and the Fabulous Moolah in Basic Instinct, Triple H and Ric Flair doing Braveheart, The Undertaker in Dirty Harry, and Stone Cold in Gladiator.

JR and Jerry Lawler greet us and pass us over to the Spanish announcers, who, in turn, give us Michael Cole and Tazz. The gang’s all here!

Eddie Guererro enters the arena in a car. In a twist that only happens in wrestling, Eddie will be fighting his own tag team partner. (It’s worth pointing out that Eddie went from a huge match against Angle last year to opening this year.) The partner in question is Rey Mysterio, sporting a nifty outfit combining the American and Mexican flags. Eddie and Rey, of course, have been BFFs as well as tag partners, lending some depth to this match.

There are some fine displays of flipping about from Rey, and Eddie’s no slouch either. He’s bigger than Rey (who isn’t?), but he’s still quick on his feet. It’s a good match, especially considering it’s an opener. There are several close calls, but you just can’t beat the sheer pluck of Rey Mysterio. He wins, but shakes Eddie’s hand afterward in a show of good sportsmanship. Awww. This is, incidentally, Eddie’s last WrestleMania match. He’ll be dead in about seven months.

It’s the first ever Money in the Bank match, my very favourite type of stipulation match. I have never seen this inaugural match, and I’m super excited to do so. It’s a ladder match with a purpose. Dangling from the ceiling is a briefcase containing a contract guaranteeing the winner a title match, anytime, anywhere. Awesome.

Canada is well represented: my beloved Chris Jericho is here (sporting short hair and *sigh* facial hair, though it’s less silly than before), as well as Chris Benoit, Christian, and Edge. Oooh, and there’s Shelton Benjamin, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion. And Kane, whose entrance apparently causes ladders to burst into flame. This is going to be the best match ever!

The match starts before Kane makes it to the ring. Shelton Benjamin doesn’t waste any time flinging himself about and generally defying gravity. Kane prefers to make an art out of injuring people with ladders. Edge and Christian, of course, are old hats at ladder matches, and they team up briefly. As expected, at one point everyone but Kane ends up battling atop a couple of ladders before crashing spectacularly. Because he is a super hero, Shelton Benjamin runs up a ladder leaning against another ladder and leaps at Jericho. Shelton, Jericho, Christian (unfairly aided, of course), Kane, and Benoit all have a go at snatching at the brief case. Benoit takes an ill-advised leap off a ladder to apply his signature move to Kane, which involves...landing on his head. That is cringe-worthy. He opens up the stitches above his eyes, and by far looks to be in the most pain of all the competitors. Edge, after being inactive for most of the match, comes out of nowhere and wins. He’s sneaky that way.

My expectations were super high for this match, so I am a little disappointed, but it was an excellent match. I feel like everyone had a set moment to do something, and it seemed more carefully structured than the work of chaotic art that was the ladder match of WM 16. Still, an impressive showing for all involved, with plenty of OMG! moments from Shelton Benjamin.

And here we have Eugene. Eugene is...well, he’s played as developmentally disabled while also being a savant when it comes to wrestling. I was fully prepared to be offended by the character. Some of the things Vince thinks are funny... However, the weird thing about the Eugene character is that his tenure wasn’t as horrific as many people thought it would be (firmly keeping in mind how the WWE usually deals with any sort of difference from its perceived norm). He was actually quite loveable in his innocence, and the crowd took him to their hearts. No one wants to laugh at Eugene, they definitely laugh with him, and they don’t want to see him hurt. Wrestling is surprising sometimes.

Anyway, here he has a confrontation with Hassan, an evil Arab character (it’s 2005. Evil Axis and all that). He and his friend shout at Eugene and try to hurt him. And who comes to the rescue? Why, a real American, of course! Yup, the Hulkster is here in all his macho glory. Isn’t America swell? Eugene seems to have disappeared as Hogan poses for the crowd. He’s fighting for the right of every man, don’t you know. Ok, enough. It’s been, like, five minutes. I GET IT!! Real Americans are heavily tanned with silly facial hair. Oh, for the love of...now he’s posing IN FRONT OF A GIANT AMERICAN FLAG.

Now that’s over, we can get back to actual wrestling. The Undertaker is fighting Randy Orton. Orton is playing the cocky young gun devoted to taking out his elders and betters—he calls himself the “Legend Killer.” I kind of liked this gimmick of Orton’s. He actually had a personality.
The Undertaker’s druids precede him to the ring, with the chanting and the torches and the fog and the spookiness. Does anyone produce an effect quite like the Undertaker? He is FLOATING to the ring! Just try to do something cooler!

 I love the entirely unfazed expression on Taker’s face as Orton struts to the ring. He may be the Deadman again, but he’s still badass.

Randy comes out of the gate trying to be all flashy and smooth. The Undertaker just knocks him down. Randy gets a few hits in, but come on, we all know how this will end. Orton does a surprisingly good acting job here; he clearly did not expect this to be such a challenge and he’s struggling to figure out how to beat the Undertaker. He tries everything, growing more desperate when things don’t go his way. He even morphs a chokeslam into an RKO. That was...kind of cool.

A Tombstone finishes off the Legend Killer, and the Undertaker is now 13-0. I wonder if he ever sits around and just ponders how awesome he is?

Now it’s the Women’s Title match, the first actual title match of the night. Trish Stratus holds the title, and she is being challenged by Christy Hemme. Christy has been under the tutelage of Lita. Trish and Lita have a great deal of history that isn’t dealt with here. It’s a shame because those two really defined the high point of women’s wrestling in this decade. Still, if Lita’s had a hand in Christy’s training, I have hopes for this match. Trish’s attire involves suspenders and trousers, which looks rather cool.

Trish has really developed her bad guy persona, taunting Christy and toying with her rather than treating her as a deserving foe. Christy tends to squeak when she is hit with a move. It is unintentionally hilarious. All Christy really does is kick, which Trish sells the heck out of, God bless her. It turns out the one thing Christy really took from Lita was how to do the Twist of Fate, which she hits once. Trish does her best to carry the match, but it’s clear that Christy really has nothing going. Disappointing. Trish wins without any real struggle.

Kurt Angle is fighting Shawn Michaels to prove that he is the greatest wrestler in the company. Shawn is out to prove why they call him “the Showstopper” and “Mr. WrestleMania.” This should be an excellent show. Shawn is wearing a ridiculous leather, chain, jewel coat thing that only the Heartbreak Kid could pull off. Things start with a stare down, but then Shawn slaps Angle and all hell breaks loose. Kurt is a furious flurry of grappling. Then Shawn makes the odd choice to hold Angle in a headlock for quite awhile. It’s not an exciting move and really stalls the match. Mind you, that’s what Kurt usually tries to do—slow his opponent’s momentum. Shawn is playing this match as Angle would, something that Kurt would not expect. Interesting strategy.

Eventually things pick up speed, and the match gets REALLY good. There is some excellent back and forth. They take the fight to Cole and Tazz’s table, which disappointingly does not break. What’s the point of flinging someone onto a table if it doesn’t split dramatically? The longest ten count ever ensues as both men struggle back into the ring. Kurt’s bleeding from the mouth, Shawn from the nose. They’re both digging in to their last stores of endurance. It seems that Shawn’s got this wrapped up, but his Superkick attempt is turned into an ankle lock by Angle. The crowd wills him to make it to the ropes. He does, but now Angle’s got the upper hand. They engage in a series of furious counters, and I can’t believe either has any strength left. Angle attempts a moonsault; Shawn rolls out of the way, but it’s still impressive to see a man Angle’s size flying through the air. After an agonizingly close count, Angle comes completely unhinged. He yells at Shawn, but takes too much time to do so, giving HBK the chance to knock him down. We all think this HAS to be it, but no. Kurt kicks out yet again. Neither man looks like he has anything left, but just as Shawn struggles to his feet Kurt puts him in the ankle lock again. There is a heroic struggle as Shawn tries to make it to the ropes. And he can’t do it. He taps.

That was a crazy intense match. Wow. The crowd stands and applauds. They even forget to tell Kurt that he sucks. That’s WrestleMania, kids. That kind of effort and heart is what it’s all about. This will be hard to top.

Rowdy Roddy Piper is here for a segment of “Piper’s Pit.” His guest is Stone Cold. Piper wants to meet the Rattlesnake face to face. They engage in a foul-mouthed confrontation. Both of these men know how to talk well. This is pointless but hilarious, so I won’t complain. They are interrupted by Carlito, the keeper of cool. Piper and Austin bond over beating up the young upstart and enjoy a cold beverage together. Then Austin Stuns Piper. That’s just how he rolls.

Bradshaw has fully morphed into his JBL character—a rich, evil Texan. Basically, he hates the fun that Cena has while wrestling. JBL, you see, is the “wrestling god,” and he thinks John is making a mockery of the company. Cena’s still rocking his rapper vernacular, sadly. He’s fighting JBL, not only for the sheer satisfaction of taking him down, but also for the WWE championship.

JBL rolls into the arena in a white limousine replete with a set of longhorns on the hood. He’s been champion for over eight months, which is pretty damn impressive in the world of wrestling. But then again, as Rory is wont to point out, JBL himself is pretty damn impressive. Cena is wearing a truly ridiculous bit of bling around his neck. It’s enormous and blinding and so very wrong.

JBL starts out strong and the crowd hates him. It takes talent to make oneself so thoroughly disliked. For the most part, this match is all JBL. However, John Cena is the larger, less aerodynamic version of Rey Mysterio—he possesses deep stores of pluck and heart that cannot be denied! After a Miraculous Comeback and Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cena wins the match and the title. We must get used to seeing Cena hoisting a belt aloft at WrestleMania.

Hall of Fame ceremony! Cowboy Bob Orton, Nikolai Volkoff, the Iron Sheik, Paul Orndorff, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, and Hulk Hogan make up the class of ’05. It’s rather nice to have a class whose members are all still alive and looking relatively healthy.

The main event this year involves current Heavyweight Champion Triple H against Batista. This storyline was actually rather interesting, starting when the group known as Evolution began to fall apart. Batista started to resent Triple H’s heavy handed use of Evolution and its members to serve his own goals. Batista watched Randy Orton suffer the consequences of trying to pursue his own goals. Then he had to negotiate his own issues with Hunter while maintaining his respect for Ric Flair, who is firmly in Triple H’s court. I love a good power struggle! This is the first and last time I will find a storyline involving Batista to be enthralling.

Triple H and Batista try to start things off with an “intense” staredown, which would work if Batista could act. The effort he puts into his facial expressions mostly just make him look like he’s in pain. Both of these guys are very big, very well built men. Unfortunately, only one of them is any good at wrestling. Triple H rather blatantly carries Batista (sometimes literally!) through this match. He even gets busted wide open to convince us that Batista is doing a lot of damage. Nice try, Hunter. I see you doing all the work. Flair interferes on Hunter’s behalf every time the ref’s back is turned. Eventually Batista takes revenge. That’s right, Dave Batista hits old men! He also hits his one move (the Batista Bomb) to win the match. Yaaaaaaay. (And I mean that in the least enthusiastic way possible.) Props to Triple H for being awesome (and Hunter Haters take note: this is the second WrestleMania in a row in which Triple went in with his title and left without it), but, man, I’m annoyed that this great storyline and subsequent main event spot went to Batista.

This was certainly a passable WrestleMania. There were few actual title matches, and no tag match at all. The women’s match wasn’t as good as it could have been, but at least there was no pure fluff match. The main event was unremarkable other than for the sheer effort of Triple H. A lot of young talent was pushed—Cena, Orton, Batista, Edge. I’m inclined to think that the Michaels/Angle match more than made up for my few disappointments, though. And, best of all, the Spanish announce table stayed intact for the entire show!

WrestleMania 20 (2004)

It’s the 20th anniversary, and we’re back where it all started—in Madison Square Garden in New York. This promises to be epic.

JR and Lawler are besuited and ready to go, joined again by Tazz and Cole. Cole, I’m pleased to report, does not look ridiculous.

It’s John Cena’s first WrestleMania! He’s opening against the Big Show, who holds the United States Championship. Cena is also showcasing his ridiculous original white rapper persona. I’m so glad he ditched this. You look silly, John!

But it’ll be all main events from here on out, so you must be doing something right. Cole reminds us that Big Show has been around the block a few times and accomplished many things, something that many people, including me, find it easy to forget.

It looks like Big Show pretty much has this one in the bag from the beginning. What I like about the Big Show is that he’s a huge guy, but he can also move. Show pretty much carries Cena through this match. Cena, however, mounts what will be the first of many WrestleMania Miraculous Comebacks. He also lifts the Big Show onto his shoulders twice, which--wow. John Cena is insanely strong. And now he has the United States belt. Not bad for one’s first WrestleMania.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff asks Coach to go find the Undertaker, who has apparently gone missing. Coach is understandably apprehensive. We also see a young John Morrison (Johnny Nitro) hobnobbing with Bischoff.

Randy Orton is promising to finish off Mick Foley. Orton is a member of Evolution, a powerful group led by Triple H and Ric Flair and also involving Batista. Randy does his darndest to sell this, but let’s face it, the guy can’t act. He’s lucky he’s so intimidating. Why couldn’t we watch Mick and The Rock talk?

Tag Time! We’ve got La Resistance, the French bad guys (remember, we’re in 2004. The French have been very naughty and not gone to Iraq). We also have Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak. Who? Whatever. I’m happy to see to see the Dudleys are still fighting the good tag fight. Rob van Dam and Booker T have formed a team, and they hold the titles. It’s kind of sad that Booker T had a title match against Triple H last year and is now in a tag match. It’s criminal how underused some wrestlers are. To no one’s surprise, the Dudleys and RVD and Booker T make this match worth watching. The French slow things right down, because they are lame. RVD and Booker T walk out with their titles still intact. I can’t believe no one was sent through a table. You let me down, Dudleys!

Coach continues on his quest. He stumbles into a comedy bit, the gist of which is that Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah are crazy old ladies. What else is new, WWE?

My beloved Chris Jericho is fighting Christian as a result of a very intricate backstory involving Trish Stratus. You see, Jericho and Christian, who have been fighting as a tag team, made a bet (one Canadian dollar!) to see who would be first to nail Trish or Lita, respectively. But, surprise! Jericho actually developed feelings for Trish! Christian, jerk that he is, firmly believes in the adage “bros before hos.” A wedge has been driven between them, and now they’re going to fight it out at Wrestlemania. That’s how I like to solve all my friendship problems, too.

They put on a good show, as one would expect from two of my favorite blond Canadians. They’re pretty evenly matched and they have similar styles, so it’s interesting to see them play off of each other. Just when we’re thinking that this is never going to end, Trish runs in! For once, I have nothing bad to say about her attire. She costs Y2J the match, though, seemingly by accident. But it turns out there are stunning betrayals afoot! Trish is actually in cahoots with Christian! Shocking! Poor Jericho.

Mick’s got his For Serious face on. It’s his first match in four years, but he’s confident in his partnership with the Rock. The Rock pumps us and Mick up for their match. Randy Orton, this is how you engage an audience.

Evolution enters the ring. Bleh. I’m not a fan of Batista and I am not interested in Ric Flair dragging his career out for as long as he possibly can. This is Batista’s and Orton’s first WrestleMania, incidentally. Mick enters to tumultuous applause. We all love him! The Rock enters for what will be his last WrestleMania appearance.

Everyone comes out swinging before the opponents settle into their corners and some sort of order is restored. Randy acquits himself pretty well. Batista…is big. Let’s get my biases out of the way: I’m not a huge Randy Orton fan. I like him as a villain, but he’s really not an exciting performer. I enjoy him as an antagonist for my heroes. Batista does absolutely nothing that I am interested in.

Mick and Flair engage in some back and forth, which must make Mick feel good. The Rock reminds us all of why we cheer so loudly for him. Flair attempts the People’s Elbow, prompting the Rock to show off some strut. It is a pose-down for the ages. In the end, Mick breaks out Mr. Socko, but Orton gets the win for Evolution. Sad.

Everyone cheers for Mick, though. How can you not love him? The Rock leads everyone in applause. Yay, Rock n’ Sock Connection!

We get a montage of the Hall of Fame ceremony. This always makes me misty eyed, seeing all these old guys who have given so much to the business. There are so many once huge men looking so frail, or children representing parents who died too young. Inducted this year are Bobby Heenan, Tito Santana, John Minton, Harley Race, Pete Rose, Don Muraco, Greg Valentine, Sylvester Ritter (Junkyard Dog), Superstar Billy Graham, Sergeant Slaughter, and Jesse Ventura.

Right, time for a rant. There’s a Playboy Evening Gown match. For real. Women in evening gowns and heels are participating in what is supposed to be an athletic contest. Oh, WWE. This is why I constantly have to justify why I watch you. I am grateful that Cole and Tazz are taking this one and I don’t have to listen to King salivate. Wait...hang on. They’re taking off the evening gowns to wrestle in lingerie. And they’re also taking off the heels. That is so much more practical. Well done, ladies. This match involved flailing and posing. What a fantastic display of women as legitimate athletes and competitors in wrestling. Look, I know this is a good way to draw in the mostly male wrestling audience. No one is better than the WWE at giving the people what they want. But sometimes it sickens me that that’s all they do: read the crowds and respond accordingly. They will not actively try to change the status quo. As long as the majority of men rate fluff over substance, the company will find no reason to push the women who can actually wrestle. So come on, guys. I can yell and write angry letters until my arms fall off; one feminist isn’t going to change anything. Men, as they make up the largest portion of the audience, have the power here. Support the women. Pay attention during their title matches. Make signs utilizing phrases other than “[blonde with large breasts] is hot.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s nothing wrong with appreciating the pretty bits of wrestling. But there’s got to be some respect there as well. Rant over.

I will now cry as Eddie Guerrero gives Chris Benoit a pep talk backstage. He’s all, “I believe in you, man! You can do this!” They talk about how long they’ve known each other and how they drive each other to do better. It’s all very touching.

There’s a Cruiserweight Open Match, in an effort to cram in as many people into this WrestleMania as possible. It operates kind of the same as a gauntlet match, with a new man entering when another is eliminated. Chavo enters as champion. The rest of the match includes Nunzio, a member of the Full Blooded Italians, Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio, Funaki, Shannon Moore, Ultimo Dragon, Billy Kidman, and Rey Mysterio (channeling Flash this year). Ultimo Dragon and Moore start. I am entranced by Ultimo Dragon’s sparkly gold ensemble. It’s hypnotizing. Jamie Noble gives it a good go before being eliminated. Then Rey impresses us with his flipping about, as he does. I love Chavo as a villain. He’s such a sneaky jerk. He wins by cheating, of course, with the help of his equally dastardly father.

Brock Lesnar and Goldberg will be fighting in a battle of enormous men. Stone Cold is also involved in this feud; he’ll be appearing as a Special Gust Referee. Austin rides in on a quad, because he’s just badass like that. The crowd informs Lesnar that he sold out. Everyone knows that he’ll soon be off to the land of football. They get really nasty, actually, singing, “Na na na na, Good-Bye!” Lesnar looks pissed, but it’s his fault for thinking he can do better. The crowd isn’t too fond of Goldberg either, though he has more support than Lesnar. It takes a while for the match to start, waiting for the taunts at Lesnar and the cheers for Austin to die down. Honestly, it’s a boring match, as Goldberg and Lesnar mostly stand around and try to intimidate each other. There’s a lot of staring and posturing. Rory posits that it’s a way to get back at the fans: refusing to give them a good match. Goldberg eventually wins. Then Lesnar flips off the crowd and Austin. However, Stone Cold gets in a Stunner, much to everyone’s delight. Then, after sharing a beer with Goldberg, Austin Stuns HIM too! Everyone is oh, so happy as we watch Stone Cold down his beers by himself.

Sudden Death Fatal Fourway for the WWE Tag Titles. I am momentarily confused at this second Tag Title match, until I remember that there was a time when there were two sets of Tag titles. Those were the days…Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty come in as the champions. OMG! Who expected to see Scotty 2 Hotty at WrestleMania again? Certainly not me. They will be defending against APA, still going strong, though Bradshaw has ditched his facial hair. We also have The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin) and the Basham Brothers.

Shelton Benjamin still doesn’t get to be very Shelton Benjamin-esque. Someone get that man a ladder! He does, however, prevent Scotty 2 Hotty from going through with The Worm. Thank you, Shelton Benjamin! He and Charlie Haas are also an excellent tag team. I quite enjoy this match. All the teams put on a good show, keeping up a quick pace. There’s lots of tagging, which I appreciate. In the end, Rikishi and Scotty retain. They celebrate with a dance, which I don’t begrudge them.

Edge is injured this year, but there is a little video announcing his return. Hurray! There aren’t nearly enough blond Canadians around here.

For some reason Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump. I fail to see how this is necessary other than to pander to New York even more and push Ventura’s political agenda.

And now a match for women who are good at something other than prancing around in their underwear. Victoria holds the Women’s Championship and Molly Holly must either take it from her or lose her hair. My, aren’t the stakes high. For some reason, in the wrestling world getting your head shaved is deemed to be rather dire. Molly Holly has the most sensible ring attire I have seen yet.

I am deeply annoyed by the complete lack of response this match is getting from the crowd. What gives, New York? Are we intimidated by women who can actually wrestle? JR desperately tries to keep Lawler on track but he’s fighting a losing battle. Both of these women are talented but I have to admit that this match is slow. It doesn’t help that the crowd is so lame. When the match ends I feel like it hasn’t even started. Victoria wins, but Molly objects to losing her hair. She ends up being strapped into a barber’s chair as Victoria shaves her head. I don’t know why she makes such a fuss. She looks perfectly fine with a shaved head. This is all rather ridiculous. Even the serious women’s match is silly this year.

Kurt Angle will now battle Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Championship. Kurt is still a big jerk, naturally. He hates that Eddie is champion and he is disappointed that we all look up to man whose mantra is Lie, Cheat, and Steal. Kurt and Eddie both have their For Serious faces on. It’s rather intimidating.

Eddie tries to speed the match up while Kurt tries to slow it down. It’s fun watching both of them try to sway the match to favour their individual styles. Kurt manages to get the upper hand, but Eddie will not stay down and manages to gather some momentum for himself. Then they take turns leading the match and I have no idea how this one is going to turn out. They’re both attacking and countering and everything is shifting and I can’t be certain of anything. I love it! There are some moments of extreme tension as we wonder if Eddie will tap to the ankle lock. He doesn’t, and keeps his title. That was a damn good match.

It’s brother versus brother as Kane takes on the Undertaker. It seems that Kane buried the Undertaker alive at Survivor Series because Kane was upset by his brother’s biker persona. Kane only wants a monster for a brother, not an American badass. Sounds totally reasonable to me! Unfortunately Kane forgot that the Undertaker, being dead and all, can’t really be killed. That’s quite an oversight, Kane.

I love the entire Undertaker/Kane story. It’s rather literary, if you think about it. Especially Kane. He hates his brother, yet tries to emulate him. He claims that the Undertaker ruins everything, but he can never fully separate himself from his brother. The Undertaker, in turn, is sometimes angered by Kane and sometimes seems really not to know what to do with him. Here, for instance, he just looks disappointed and a little disbelieving that Kane actually thought he could kill the Deadman.

Oh hey, Paul Bearer is here! Haven’t seen you in ages, Uncle Paul. He and the druids precede Taker to the ring, chanting and whatnot. Of course, now that the Undertaker is back in his Deadman persona his entrance takes about two days to complete. Wrap it up, Taker!

Kane is dismayed by his brother’s appearance. Kane has the best reaction faces. He also briefly manages to get the upper hand, but this is Wrestlemania and we all know how this is going to end. The Undertaker is now 12-0.

It’s Main Event time. It’s a Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight title, held by Triple H. Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble, so he automatically got a match against Triple H. Shawn Michaels just kind of muscled his way in via his history with Triple H, which they are trying to “finish” or some such nonsense. Benoit is announced as being from Georgia, in one of the WWE’s more ludicrous ret-con attempts. Benoit is a good guy, you see, and at this point good guys can’t be from Canada. Remember, it’s 2004 and Canada has refused to join the United States in Iraq. Christian, being a double crossing jerk, is still allowed to be from Toronto. Whatever, WWE.

Benoit and Michaels take centre stage early on, until Triple H decides to participate. The match is intense and pretty well structured—usually with one man recovering while the other two fight it out. I must say, I take a great deal of pride in watching a fellow Albertan go head to head against the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, and as the crowd favorite. Things get messy as the men grow more desperate. Michaels and Benoit are both bleeding. All three men end up on top of the Spanish announcers’ table, but it’s Tazz and Cole’s table that actually goes down as Benoit is slammed through it.

It looks like that’s about it for the Wolverine. The prevailing attitude seems to be that now it’s come down to Hunter and Shawn the match is really going to start, a sentiment that I resent on Benoit’s behalf. Let’s not forget that he had a right to this match. Shawn is the one who insinuated himself in.

When it looks like Triple H has got it in the bag, however, Benoit launches himself back into the fray. Everyone is so beat up at this point; I hate to think how sore they’re all going to be in the morning. The canvas has red blotches all over it from the blood—gross. There are an incredible amount of counters going on. I’m amazed that any of them have any stamina left. And then, just as I’m predicting a Triple H win, he taps to Benoit’s cross-face.

Wait. What? Triple H tapped? He tapped and lost his title? At WrestleMania? Hunter haters take note.

After I get over my amazement, I watch Benoit raise his new title in the air. He’s so happy, and we’re all happy for him. JR yells himself hoarse telling us how great this is. Sing it, JR! And then…oh, man. Eddie’s there with his title. He hugs Benoit and they’re crying and laughing as everyone cheers and the confetti falls. I, of course, am crying my eyes out. The image of them standing there looking so happy and alive is hard to watch. And yet, it’s incredibly uplifting at the same time.

Damn it, that was a great WrestleMania. There were some false notes, and what felt like a million title matches. But the matches that were good were really good, so who cares about stupid Brock Lesnar and lame evening gown matches? The storylines were all nicely complex and I enjoyed myself a great deal. It’s weird that Coach’s quest ended up going nowhere and pretty much being forgotten. But there was no ref abuse this year and the Spanish announcers’ table came through intact. Well done, WrestleMania 20!

WrestleMania 19 (2003)

I’m really coming to love these opening montages, listening to the old and new wrestlers talk about how defining WrestleMania is. They go through a lot to get to this point, just for the privilege of giving their all for our entertainment.

Limp Bizkit sings us into Seattle. Wow. Limp Bizkit is still relevant here. Sorry, I’m just going to flash back to high school now.

JR’s got his John Wayne cufflinks on and Lawler’s in his best tacky ensemble. This must be WrestleMania! This year they will be joined by the Smackdown commentators. Tazz is looking nifty in a suit, and Michael Cole is…well, he’s trying. Vintage Cole!

It’s Rey Mysterio’s first WrestleMania! And so begins the tradition of his extremely detailed WrestleMania ring attire. This year he's channeling Daredevil, so Rey’s working a deep red hue and a horned mask with white coloured contact lenses. Daredevil Rey is fighting Matt Hardy, flying solo this year. Matt holds the Cruiserweight title. Rey does his thing—flying around like a masked hummingbird. This is back when Matt Hardy could move better than he can now, so it’s a good match.

Confession time: I used to love Matt Hardy, and I have no idea why. There’s no particular reason why he should stand out in my affections, yet I can't help feeling nostaligic for ol’ Matt. Maybe it’s because all the fan girls like Jeff. There was Jeff falling off ladders (big deal!), being artsy and whatever, while Matt was working away in the background and, you know, not failing drug tests.

Anyway, Matt wins in an underhanded manner, aided by his cohort Shannon Moore. I miss the Cruiserweight belt.

Limp Bizkit sings “Rollin’” Oh my god, do you all remember this song? I loved this song! At the end of the song, the Undertaker rolls in on his motorcycle, replete with an enormous American flag. Biker Taker is now the Ultra American Badass. He’s fighting in a handicap match (two on one) against the Big Show and A-Train. Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me that we have already met A-Train—he was partnered with Test, under the name of Albert, at WrestleMania 2000. Kudos to Rory for spotting that!

After being the underdog for much of the match, Taker takes this one. Not only is it WrestleMania (where, as you remember, he never loses), but the United States is now entrenched in Iraq. A win for Super Patriotic Yet Badass Undertaker is good for morale. He waves the flag around, and we all look forward to a quick victory in the Middle East. You can learn a lot about world affairs by watching wrestling, actually, just by paying attention to who the good guys and bad guys are.

The women are fighting early this year. Lawler has an aneurism as Trish Stratus enters the ring. Her ring attire looks terribly impractical. I will spend this entire match hoping that her top is more secure than it looks. Jazz is here again too, looking formidable and awesome. The Champion coming in is Victoria, employing a psychotic persona and accompanied by a male lackey, Steven Richards. JR talks about what great athletes these ladies are and King…well, never mind what King says. This is another excellent effort from the women; I would say it’s even better than last year because Trish is on more equal footing. Not being built like Jazz and Victoria, she’s finding her own style. She’s still not the best in the ring, but she picks up the title anyway. And look how far Ms. Stratus has come in four years: From bit of fluff, to player in the McMahon family drama, to a legitimate contender, to title winner. It’s all up from here, Trish!

This year The Rock is being painted as a villain for having a movie career and turning his back on the fans. He is determined to beat Stone Cold this year, as he has never done it at WrestleMania. God, I miss The Rock running his mouth.

Tag Time! Los Guerreros are here, consisting of Eddie and his nephew Chavo. Yay, Chavo! In the present Chavo is…well, he’s lucky if he gets a match, so it’s awesome to see him here. They’re fighting Chris Benoit and Rhyno, as well as the current title holders, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, the World's Greatest Tag Team and members of Team Angle. Yay, Shelton Benjamin! We’ll be oohing and ahhing over Shelton Benjamin’s awesomeness in ladder matches to come. The rules are the same as the Four Corners match last year—two men in the ring at a time, anyone can tag anyone. Eddie and Benoit go head to head, and their confrontation is probably the best of the match. However, Team Angle wins.

Something possessed my beloved Chris Jericho to grow some awful facial hair. It’s…bad. If he wasn’t Chris Jericho, I might be tempted to call that growth on his chin downright unattractive. Aesthetic concerns aside, this year he will be assisting Shawn Michaels in his comeback. Y2J is playing the arrogant upstart who once idolized the Heartbreak Kid, but now feels that he has surpassed his hero. He promises to end HBK’s career. Shawn will attempt to prove that he’s still got it, and that we were all right to welcome him back with open arms. This promises to be a real battle of the gaudy ring attire!

I am excited for this match (yeah, yeah, when am I not excited for a Jericho match?). I don’t think it’s an accident that I loved Shawn Michaels as a child (until he betrayed Diesel, of course. That shattered me!) and that Chris Jericho is my favorite as an adult. The similarities are there—the flashy ring attire, the loads of charisma, the mic skills, the wrestling skills, the three letter name abbreviations. They are both such pro performers. Lawler goes back to his young lion/old lion analogy, doing a better job of spitting it out this year.

Jericho engages in my favorite form of cheap heat—imitating his opponent’s signature moves and poses. This is my favorite type of match—a complex backstory leading to real emotional investment, carried out by performers who can also put on a good physical show. This is exhausting to watch; they’re both putting absolutely everything out there. Jericho is at his bad guy best, trying to show that he deserves the crowd’s adulation even while making it clear that he hates them for cheering Michaels. All Shawn has to do is be likeable, and he certainly has no problems there! He feeds off the energy of the crowd and beats Jericho, who is left to stew in the knowledge that we love HBK more than him (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”).

Limp Bizkit is going to shill their new album while we all recover from the greatness that was that last match.

And now, *sigh,* a “Catfight.” Yes, because after the sheer, fierce athleticism of Jazz, Victoria, and Trish, we must remind the audience that women are, in fact, objects, and that’s all they want to be. Sure, there are some freakish women in the company who actually know how to wrestle, but have no fear! There are still women out there who desire nothing more than to have you salivate over them. I hate this. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having beautiful faces to look at. Look at the way I go on about Chris Jericho! The difference is that Chris Jericho is also a brilliant wrestler and he is presented as such. The men do not do sexy, themed photo shoots. They don’t pose in Playgirl. They aren’t paraded around as vapid hunks of meat (well, not anymore). The men are (generally) expected to have the in-ring ability to earn their paychecks. And if they don’t have the ability, they’ve got the charisma to win the crowd over (I love you, John Cena!). Women like Jazz, Victoria, and their counterparts in the present have to work so damn hard to get good matches and equal representation. It just burns me up to see the lowest common denominator pandered to like this.

Anyway, after that bit of nonsense, Triple H will now be defending his World Championship against Booker T. They’re really playing up Triple H’s original Hunter Hearst Helmsley rich boy character to better contrast Booker’s humble background. Ric Flair is here as Hunter’s mentor. I really like Booker T, and I wish I had watched WCW so that I could have seen him when he was top dog. Lawler has slid into his heel role, talking up Triple H and deriding Booker T with gusto. He gets in some digs at WCW’s expense too, much to Vince’s probable delight. Honestly, his back and forth with JR is probably one of the best parts of this match.

After what feels like a very lengthy match, Triple H retains his title. I could be mistaken, but I think this was at the point when it felt like Triple H always had a title. And if he lost, he wouldn’t lose cleanly. Just from watching this one match, I kind of felt that. Yeah.

Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan are fighting over who made WrestleMania, and the WWE, what it is. Apparently a lot of bad blood has been built up between them over the years, and now they’re going to settle things. I have to admit, I am not overly excited to see these two men fight. They’re both past (well past) their prime and, as I’ve discussed before, I’m happier when a McMahon isn’t trying to shoehorn his or her self into things. Hogan had a big match last year; the crowd can only go nuts so many times. And the fact that both of these men are still so muscular just freaks me out. I’m almost positive they’ve had some steroidal aid. Well, Vince, anyway. Hogan looks much smaller and more natural than he did in his heyday. There’s no way Vince’s build is natural.

The match mostly involves Hogan and Vince throwing each other into things and hitting each other with foreign objects, because there’s not much else either one can do. I’m really not one for “Let’s see who can bleed more!” matches unless Mick Foley is involved. At one point Hogan goes to hit Vince with a chair but Vince ducks and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers! That was totally uncalled for! And then Vince drops onto Hogan from atop a ladder, right through the Spanish announce table. I am relieved to see an official tending to the announcer. Finally, some respect!

Then Roddy Piper comes out of nowhere for some reason. He can’t decide whether to attack Vince or Hogan. The crowd cheers him; nostalgia makes us forget that he’s the ultimate bad guy. After beating Hogan with a lead pipe (now we boo him!), he leaves Mr. McMahon to finish the job. Unfortunately for Vince, this is WrestleMania, and no one wants to see him win. Hogan activates his Miraculous Comeback powers and takes down the boss.

We will now watch Stone Cold Steve Austin’s very last match. He had been wrestling despite doctor’s orders for years, yet he’s still going to give his all in this match.

The remaining Spanish announcer hasn’t even been given a replacement table. He’s just hanging out in a corner all by himself. Poor guy.

I have a hard time getting invested in this match, and I can’t figure out why. The Rock wins without too much of a battle. It was a good enough match, and I should have enjoyed it more than I did. The Rock! Stone Cold! Stone Cold’s last match! Maybe I’m just tired. I wish they had actually billed this as his last match, as he didn’t get enough fanfare while exiting the ring.

The main event this year involves Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar fighting for the WWE Championship belt, held by Angle. Whatever, Brock Lesnar. Apparently he prefers real fighting to the awesomeness of fake fighting. From what I’m gathering from the clip package, this is actually a pretty interesting feud. Rory points out that Lesnar has come out of absolutely nowhere to main-event in his first WrestleMania, which makes us resent him more.

These guys are both really good athletes. There are many wrestling holds and feats of strength. Lesnar gets thrown around an awful lot by Kurt. How fake does it feel having your face slammed into the mat, Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. My taunts at Lesnar aside, this is an excellent match. Brock Lesnar attempts a shooting star press from the top rope. He whiffs it, but it still looks impressive. Can’t do that in real fighting, can you Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Lesnar wins the title, in his very first WrestleMania. Angle and Lesnar both look absolutely drained after that. They even share a man hug afterward!

That was probably the most satisfying WrestleMania yet, catfights and poor facial hair aside. There weren’t as many matches as previously, but they were of excellent quality.

WrestleMania 18 (2002)

We’re in Toronto this time around, and Saliva sings us into the show. They do a pretty awesome job, if I do say so. I probably won’t get to this again so I’ll just mention it here: Toronto? Your signs suck. Aside from the one with Jericho as the maple leaf in the Canadian flag. The rest of them? Lame.

JR welcomes us to the Skydome. He is joined once again by Jerry Lawler, much to my relief.

First up is ECW alumnus Rob Van Dam battling to take the Intercontinental Championship from William Regal, who, as you will remember, also opened last year. This should be a good match, though. Regal likes to brawl and RVD likes to flip around. He’s so much fun to watch. Regal’s lip is busted wide open, and he looks rather sinister with his bloodied teeth. He also tries to sneak some brass knuckles past the ref, but the ref is too wise. Yay, ref! RVD wins.

Christian is fighting by himself this year. He earns some cheap heat by trashing his hometown of Toronto and then enters to his very own theme. Aww, Christian, you're all grown up! He’s fighting Diamond Dallas Paige, his former mentor whom he betrayed, for the European Championship. It’s a fairly good match. Christian is just trying to establish himself as a solo competitor. He doesn’t win the belt, but with the help of DDP he does let us know that he is a thoroughly bad lot.

Backstage, Johnathan Coachman conducts a hilarious interview with The Rock. Well, mostly Coach just lets The Rock talk, but that never fails to produce awesome results.

It’s hardcore time. Goldust will be vying for the Hardcore Championship against Maven (not to be confused with the horribly attired Raven of last year). Maven is pretty much a nonentity, to be honest. Neither I nor Rory have any idea who he is. When I looked it up, I found out he was a winner of Tough Enough, the WWE's competitive reality show. Now you know. It’s awesome to see Goldust at WrestlemMnia and fighting for a title, though. He’s even got special gold colored trashcans to use as weapons! They go at it for a while, and while both men are recovering from hitting each other with trash can lids, Spike Dudley runs in and pins Maven for the title! The rules are that anyone can win the title within a 24 hour period, as long as a ref is there to do the pin count. As Spike runs off he is pursued by Crash Holly.

For some reason, we now have the backstory to the Jericho/Triple H match told in music video form, playing behind a live band. It’s a neat idea, but it’s impossible to actually figure out the story as the camera jumps around and we don’t actually hear the dialogue in the clips. At any rate, Drowning Pool attempts to sing us the story of Triple H vs. my beloved Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon has apparently betrayed Triple H and joined up with Jericho, because Triple H, during his injury caused absence, has not been fulfilling her needs. Their match isn’t even up next, so it’s a little strange to have the video here. All of the other feuds get actual video packages so this is just…odd.

Backstage, we cut to Crash doing his best to take the Hardcore title from Spike. Al Snow enters the fray in a golf cart, and The Hurricane swoops in to take the belt. This Hardcore side arc will carry through the rest of the night, and it is awesome.

Kurt Angle enters the ring, now with the crowd chanting “You Suck!” along to his theme (one intelligent Torontonian has a sign reading “You Suk.” Fail, Toronto. Fail.). Kurt insults Canada, ‘cause, you know, he’s a bad guy. We love to hate you, Kurt! He’s fighting Kane, for some reason. Angle wins unfairly, again, as he does.

There is a No Disqualification match between the Undertaker and Ric Flair. We get a proper backstory this time, and it all began back when Taker determined to get Flair in the ring at WrestleMania. Flair said no, sending Taker on an assault spree of Flair’s friends and son in an effort to get Flair to change his mind. There’s also some business involving Flair and the McMahons, but it’s unclear to me, except that Vince is able to put Ric at a disadvantage. Taker comes off as a sly bastard. I kind of miss when he had emotions.

King is at his bad guy announcer best. Out of nowhere he declares that “Flair’s an idiot,” much to JR’s well played incredulity. They snipe at each other for the entire match, and I love it.

It’s a testament to both the build-up of this match and the abilities of Taker and Flair that for a while I actually think that Flair might win this. (For those who don’t know, the Undertaker never loses at WrestleMania. Spoiler!) It takes longer than I expected for Flair to start bleeding (that is, five minutes in rather than two. The man bleeds easily, what can I say?). Blood is all over his face and in his hair. Eeeew. And yes, it’s all real. The trouble with old guys like Flair is that back in the day they all used to cut themselves during matches, leaving their foreheads a mass of scar tissue, so that now they’ll bleed for real at the drop of a hat.

Flair takes a real beating, and whenever he shows signs of fighting back we all hope so hard that he’ll get the upper hand. Woo!

The Undertaker disrespects the ref for the second year in a row. You’ll pay for that someday, Taker! The Referee Revolution is coming…

It is not to be the old man’s night. The Undertaker wins after a Tombstone, his tenth WrestleMania win in the bag.

Booker T, a WCW alumnus, will be taking on Edge in singles' competition. Booker enters to his awesome theme.

 Edge got to keep his and Christian’s tag team theme. Booker T and Edge put on a very good show. Edge wins, to the delight of the Toronto crowd. Booker already made it big in WCW, of course, and Edge is just getting started.

Back to the Hardcore saga. Hurricane still has the belt, and is joined by his sidekick Mighty Molly. But then…Molly takes down the Hurricane and steals the belt for herself!

It’s nWo time. Have some history:

Once upon a time there was a wrestling company called WCW. It was run by a man named Eric Bischoff, in whose person cleverness and stupidity were combined in a most astonishing fashion. Cleverly, he came up with the idea of an outside group who would come in and shake up WCW (stupidly, he would come to let this idea dominate absolutely every aspect of the company, but that's another story). Who better to furnish a threat to WCW than former employees of WWE, a rival company? Thus, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, whose contracts with the WWE had just run out, came to WCW as Outsiders, coyly not revealing who they were actually employed by. When Hogan came on board, the group became known as nWo--New World Order. That was back in 1996. In 2001, the WWE bought WCW and Mr. McMahon reintroduced nWo in 2002. In storyline, they were his hired guns who would take out the more bothersome elements of the roster.

And this brings us to Stone Cold, a bothersome rattlesnake if ever there was one, fighting Scott Hall. In my childhood, Mr. Hall was known as Razor Ramon. I never really took to his character, but still--nostalgia. We’re all on Austin’s side again after last year’s temporary team-up with Mr. McMahon.

Scott Hall enters with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, when he was known as Diesel, was my favorite wrestler as a child. Because of this, I refuse to hear a bad word about Kevin Nash. I love him. People will tell you, “Oh, Kevin Nash ruined WCW. Now he's ruining TNA.” To these people I say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!” I have made up songs about how Kevin Nash is innocent of everything ever (though Rory won’t let me sing them anymore. To be fair, the lyrics are mostly “Kevin Nash is awesome and can do no wrong,” sung to whatever tune is in my head.). JR asserts that Nash is “not a man of high character.” You take that back, JR! (Lawler, meanwhile, is impressed with Nash’s tallness. Good point, King.)

As to the actual match, Hall and Austin go at it with a will. Nash interferes every time the ref’s back is turned, of course. The ref is knocked down, and Stone Cold Stuns both Hall and Nash, but there is no ref to perform the count! ANOTHER ref runs in to help, but Nash takes care of him. Austin still has to hold his own against two men. A whole gaggle of refs run in and politely ask Nash to sod off. Go, refs! Do not stand for abuse!

Hall clearly can’t close the deal by himself, allowing Stone Cold to get the win. We pause while Austin enjoys some Molson Canadian.

They’re calling the Tag Match a “Four Corners” match this year. There are four teams, but only two guys are in the ring at a time and you can tag in anyone, not just your team mate. I suppose this is meant to add an element of strategy to the match. Let’s see who we’ve got this year: the Dudleys are still here, and they’ve acquired Stacy Keibler (she of the famous legs) as their valet. Farooq and Bradshaw are still together as APA. The Hardys are still here, being extreme. Jeff looks even more like a crack addict than he did last year, still obstinately wearing that horrid mesh shirt. Matt, I’m happy to report, has wised up, as far as ring attire. And then we have Billy and Chuck. They enter to a boy band-esque theme and flounce to the ring. Yeah, they are not at all subtly gay. I suppose I should be impressed that the WWE gave the Tag Team belts to a team that will end up having a storyline wedding, but they're just so silly.

Bradshaw mixes it up with Billy and/or Chuck for awhile, but things don’t really get interesting until the Dudleys come in to play, eliminating APA. Then the Hardys take on the Dudleys, which is awesome. These teams really know how to play off of each other. Billy and Chuck are just kind of there, and nobody really cares. We’re all in it for the tables and Jeff Hardy flinging himself from the top rope. Once Jeff takes off his shirt I actually fear for his health because he looks so scrawny and pale. It honestly looks like Bubba Rae is beating on a homeless person.

Unfortunately, we have to deal with Lawler salivating over Stacy Keibler for the entire match.

Matt saves the day for Jeff (the usual in Hardy Land) and eliminates the Dudleys, leaving us with the Hardys vs. the increasingly unexciting Billy and Chuck. Despite much leaping about by Jeff, Billy (or is that Chuck?) pins him and they retain the Championship.

That was such a lackluster match, especially compared to the awesomeness of the previous Tag matches. I’m disappointed APA was eliminated so early, and that, after completely carrying the entire match, the Dudleys and Hardys were both shut out.

More Hardcore shenanigans! Mighty Molly is absconding with her ill-gotten gains when Christian knocks her out with a door like the big jerk he is. Oh, Christian, as JR rightly puts it, “What a dastardly act!”

Another old guy match—The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, fighting over which is the bigger icon to come out of the WWE. We get to hear nWo’s theme again, which I happen to like. The crowd, in direct defiance of the narrative direction, cheers like crazy for bad-guy Hogan. They also erupt at The Rock’s entrance. Everyone is pumped to see two legends in action against each other. Lawler goes into a prolonged and nonsensical metaphor about young and old lions. I know where he’s going but, man, it’s painful listening to him get there.

Hogan and Rock engage in a stare down to start things off, and everyone is just absorbing this scene, taking it all in. The crowd cheers at every pose, every single move. It’s completely insane, in a good way. They really aren’t even wrestling that much; a lot of shoving and throwing punches. No one minds. Hogan dominates for what feels like forever. He also uses the Rock’s momentum to take out the ref, poor guy. What did he do to deserve being hit with a flying Rock?

Naturally the moment that the ref isn’t available is the moment that The Rock gains the upper hand. That’s, like, a wrestling law or something. Aww, and JR just informs us that the ref is Mike Chioda, the same ref who took abuse from both Triple H and the Undertaker last year.

The pace starts to pick up, and there’s some good back-and-forth. The Rock wins and the crowd goes nuts again. Hogan rises, looking crushed, and offers the Rock his hand. They give each other kudos, gesturing to the crowd. Hall and Nash (who is doing nothing wrong!) interrupt all the good feeling and attack their team mate. But The Rock is there to defend the old guy, and after dispatching nWo The Rock insists on Hogan sticking around to share in the limelight and bask in the cheers. Awww, isn’t that swell? I love seeing the two of them walk back up the ramp together; it’s such a nice moment. Hogan is all, “This young guy just made me look really good,” and Rock is all, “I was just in the ring with my hero!” and they’re both all, “That was awesome, am I right? Let’s hit the showers.”

Finally, finally a good women’s match. I am so excited for this! The current title holder is Jazz. Challenging her will be Lita and Trish Stratus. Lita and Jazz don’t even wait for Trish to finish her entrance before getting started.

This is a really good match; it’s a shame the crowd is so drained after the emotion of the Hogan/Rock match. In fact, that’s probably exactly why this match is situated where it is. Who cares about the women, right? Go get a snack, collect your wits for the Main Event. Never mind that three very fine competitors are about to put on an awesome show. Whatever, WWE.

Trish is quite obviously not in the same league as Jazz and Lita, but she does her best. In fact, that’s one of the things I love about Trish: she really worked to get to where she did. She wasn’t content to remain the bit of blonde fluff that she was clearly hired to be, unlike many of the current Divas (hi, Kelly Kelly!).

I can’t even express how much I love JR for legitimately calling this match with King beside him bleating about “positions” and “puppies.” Someone forgot to tell Lawler that the ladies are allowed to be awesome for reasons other than their anatomical attributes now.

Jazz retains her title after an excellent effort by all three competitors. This is what women’s wrestling should be.

We immediately cut away to Christian gloating over his title, but he’s taken down by Maven (remember him?), and Christian is left to throw another tantrum. It hasn’t been the best WrestleMania for Christian. That hardcore saga was awesome though.

Triple H will be main eventing tonight against my beloved Chris Jericho, who is currently the Undisputed Champion, holding both the WCW and WWE champion belts. He won them after beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night. Ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. He also holds the allegiance of Stephanie McMahon, still doing her hair no favours and currently clad in an atrocious shade of teal. Mind you, my beloved Y2J is wearing lime green pants with a blinding pink and silver sparkling coat, so, you know, whatever. JR breaks out the worst insult he ever calls a woman: a jezebel. Steph betrayed her man, you see, that evil wench!

Triple H metes out some punishment to Steph and I wonder, for neither the first nor last time, if feuding in the ring makes for a happier real life marriage or if it just makes life very, very confusing for their children. Steph also sasses the ref, that jezebel.

Because we’re in Canada, there is an audible “Y2J!” chant. Canadians are noted for completely disregarding storylines; we always cheer our own.

The Spanish announce table goes down under the weight of Triple H. They almost made it all the way through WrestleMania!

In the end, Triple H wins both belts. Bully for him.

That was a pretty good match. Jericho was, of course, even better than awesome. Steph’s presence was a little overdone. I know it’s her job to interfere and be a terrible person, but to me it came across as a McMahon taking over the match, yet again. Triple H also indulged in a bit of a Miraculous Comeback and I hate that. There were no real jaw dropping moments that one might expect from the Main Event at WrestleMania, in a contest for two championship belts. Still, a good match. I’m probably just bitter because Jericho can’t always have a belt to carry around.

And so we have reached the end of WrestleMania X8. The old guys and young guys alike put on a good show. There were some fun backstage shenanigans and a great match for the women. All in all, a satisfying WrestleMania.