Rory and I dubbed WrestleMania 16 the Year of the Factions. Everyone seems to be involved in one! Thus nearly all the matches are Tag Matches, and while I love Tag Matches, they wear a little thin after three hours or so.
There are clips of the first nineteen WrestleManias and I am reminded of one of the things that I love about wrestling—its history. It’s one of the same things I love about baseball; this rich sense of the past and an awareness of everything that’s come before. There are touchstones that every fan can recall. And yes, the outcome of every pro wrestling match has been predetermined, but that doesn’t make the wins any less triumphant or the losses any less crushing. The clips attempt to convey the message that things are changing in the wrestling world, apparently because the McMahon family has become directly involved in the chase for the WWE (yeah, it was the WWF at this point. Just go with the retcon) championship. Personally, I think their involvement cheapened the main event this year, but we’ll get to that later.
We’re in Anaheim, incidentally, with good ol’ Jim Ross (JR) and Jerry “the King” Lawler doing commentary at ringside. These two have defined wrestling commentary for me, from my childhood to now, though JR has sadly been forced away from ringside due to illness, and Lawler’s “commentary” during the women’s matches has always irritated me to no end. Regardless, when I watch WrestleMania, theirs are the voices I want to hear. To put it in regular sports’ terms: JR is play-by-play and King is colour. They play off each other beautifully. Unlike the pair of commentators currently on Smackdown, there is not just one person dominating the mic. And they both get in some good zingers at each other’s expense.
Opening today are the Godfather and D-Lo Brown vs. Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan. The Godfather’s pimp persona is a remnant of the brash, politically incorrect 90s that will soon vanish. I’m glad to say that despite all of my rants (coming soon!) about the role of women in wrestling, at least no current wrestler is accompanied to the ring by women designated as his “hos.” What we’re going for here is a basic clash of styles (“and lifestyles,” as JR puts it): the flash and fun of Godfather/Brown versus the dour and no nonsense approach of Big Boss Man/Buchanan. Lawler, of course, spends most of the match commenting on the attributes of the “hos.” Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan win, herding the hos away from the ring as they exit.
We pan backstage for one of four segments tonight hyping the main event. Each of the four McMahons has selected a wrestler to represent them in the ring, and here we have in-story and real life spouses, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Stephanie is a very pretty woman, but her crimped hair and pink-sequined crop top (wow, we really are in the year 2000!) are absolutely ghastly.
Next up is the Battle Royal for the Hardcore Championship. It’s a timed match, lasting for fifteen minutes, and the title can change hands any number of times during the match. The last man to win the title when the timer runs out wins. There are thirteen men involved, including future commentator Tazz, Viscera, three members of the Mean Street Posse, Hardcore Holly, the Japanese team of Funaki and Taka Michinoku, the two Headbangers, Crash Holly, and Farooq and Bradshaw, the Acolytes. In the future, Bradshaw will be known as JBL, one of Rory’s favorite wrestlers. Since JBL is a clean-shaven (but villainous!)Texas billionaire character, it’s interesting to see Bradshaw here with his long hair and beard.
Bradshaw
JBL
The match itself is pretty disappointing. Hardly any action takes place inside the ring, and there is really no concentrated assault on whoever is holding the title at any given time. Mostly everyone just mills around the outside of the ring bashing each other with foreign objects. Granted, that’s the best part of any Hardcore match, but the utter lack of cohesion or coordination makes this match almost boring. Normally I love Battle Royal matches, but this one definitely ranks as a fail. Crash comes in with the Hardcore title, but Hardcore Holly walks out with it.
Al Snow and Steve Blackman versus Test and Albert (T & A). I’m really sorry that I completely missed Al Snow’s tenure in the WWE. He seems like such an entertaining guy here and in Mick Foley’s books Have a Nice Day and Foley is Good. Test and Albert are accompanied to the ring by Trish Stratus’ breasts. I assume the rest of her is there, but the camera seems content to focus on her most prominent attributes. Yes, readers, here are the humble beginnings of Diva extraordinaire Trish Stratus. She will come to embody the best that a woman in the WWE can hope to be, yet here she is, providing the literal T & A for a men’s tag team. I guess we all have to start somewhere, though one would hope not with such ridiculous attire: high waisted short shorts, a bit of fabric to cover the bare minimum of her chest, a floor-length, fur trimmed sleeveless cape/coat, and a cowboy hat, all in silver. Not your finest moment, Trish. Snow and Blackman are accompanied by a man dressed as a block of cheese. He may not be as well endowed as Ms. Stratus, but I really think Chester McCheesiton should make a comeback. T & A triumph over the power of cheese, and poor Chester bears the brunt of Al and Steve’s disappointment.
The annoying thing about this early WrestleMania is that there aren’t any clip packages to tell me what the build-up was to any of the matches, not even the hyped McMahon feud. Thus, in these matches where there is no title at stake, I can’t really feel invested in the action. Wrestling is all about storytelling. I’m only catching the end of the story, and it’s highly unsatisfying.
That bit of disappointment aside, we have now come to one of my all time favourite matches. I am so excited to watch this! It’s a three way Tag Team Ladder Match (the first ever of its kind) featuring the Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and D-Von), the Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) and Edge and Christian. I love ladder matches, proper tag teams (not just two wrestlers randomly thrown together for a couple matches and a pay-per-view), and each of these teams. These three teams will face off again next year, and that match will be considered one of the definitive matches in WWE history, but I actually prefer this one.
The coordination of this match is amazing considering that it involves six men. As JR reminds us, despite the fact that it is for the Tag Team title, there is no actual tagging in this match. All contenders are in play at once, and the result is beautiful, organized chaos. A wonderful symmetry is kept up throughout the match—if Bubba is doing a leg drop while Jeff is trapped under a ladder on one side of the ring, Christian is stomping on Matt, also underneath a ladder, on the other side of the ring while D-Von and Edge recover on the outside. Three separate events converging into one focus (have I mentioned how much I love this match?). At one point all six men climb simultaneously atop three ladders trying to catch the belts dangling from the rafters, and together they all come crashing down. Each member of each team gets a highlight moment, including Jeff doing his patented schtick of leaping from heights with no regard for safety
Seriously, this is wrestling at its best. Every man in the ring is working his hardest, not only to make himself look good, but also to make his team mate and opponents look good. I can’t stress enough how much credit these men deserve for putting together such a great match. A certain amount of planning goes into any given match, but a large part of what happens in the ring is improvised. The fact that this match is so well coordinated and paced, and just downright entertaining, is a testament to the skill of the wrestlers involved. They keep up a ridiculously fast pace, never letting up right until the climactic end, when Matt is pushed off a table balanced atop two ladders, falling through a table placed below, and Edge and Christian steal the Tag Team title from the Dudleys. Brilliant.
Also in this match, the Spanish announce table is destroyed. The destruction of the poor Spanish announcers’ work station has become a source of much hilarity for me and Rory. We look forward to it every pay-per-view.
Following what was undoubtedly the high point of this WrestleMania is its low point—the Cat Fight. It is exactly what you think it is, and I am choosing not to talk about it. I’m saving my Rant Energies for later events. JR, bless him, tries to come up with a legitimate reason for this “match,” though he also points out that this spectacle is not to be taken seriously as an example of women’s wrestling. Thanks, JR.
We have yet another tag match next, with the Radicalz (Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, and Perry Saturn) against Chyna and the awesomely ridiculous team of Too Cool (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay. Really.).
It’s so refreshing to see Chyna here. A woman competing against men and being recognized as a legitimate threat does not happen in the WWE today. At all. Not even for women such as Beth Phoenix or Natalya who both look like they can beat any man, any time and have demonstrated enough skill to do so.
Speaking of Chyna, she is largely responsible for her team winning here. She's not a great wrestler by any means, but she does look very intimidating. And, *sigh,* Scotty 2 Hotty breaks out his move “the worm,” much to Rory’s delight and my disbelief that someone actually thought this was a good idea.
And now, a Triple Threat Match (still no one on one action) for the Intercontinental and European belts, both held by Kurt Angle. First pin gets the Intercontinental, second gets the European. The first contestant is first in my wrestling affections and arriving at his first WrestleMania—Chris Jericho. Yup, I’m a Jericholic, and I love him no matter what he does. Good guy or bad guy, bedazzled or besuited, I adore Y2J. Oh right, there are other people in this match. Chris Benoit is here, and I am surprised that the WWE has not tried to superimpose another wrestler in his place until I remember that this DVD set was released before we were all supposed to forget he existed. Kurt Angle is also here, of course, with hair and without the crowd reminding him how much he sucks. That won’t last long. Wait ‘til next year, Kurt!
I suppose I’ll talk a bit about Benoit now. For those who don’t know, Chris Benoit died in 2007, killing himself after killing his wife and son. After the manner of his death came out, the media was quick to cry “’roid rage!” but we'll never know for sure what was going on with him and why he did what he did. Plenty of theories have been put forward, but mostly it remains a meaningless tragedy. Regardless, the WWE, after initially converting the RAW show right after Benoit’s death into a memorial show, has since done its best to distance itself from Benoit. Three years later you will be hard pressed to find an acknowledgement of his existence or accomplishments within the company. For example, during the 2010 Royal Rumble, Shawn Michaels was named as the only man to win the Royal Rumble after starting in the number one spot, even though Benoit did the same thing. Clips of matches he took part in are carefully edited to exclude him. It’s a frustrating situation.
The WWE’s questionable policy decisions aside, the very manner of Benoit’s death is just so different from that of any other dead wrestler (and there are far too many of those). It’s almost impossible to watch him here and ignore the knowledge that he is going to die in seven years’ time. I try to watch his matches objectively and to appreciate his work in the ring, but it’s so hard. The minute his entrance theme hits I feel so sad. He’s not loud and flashy like Jericho, or brashly confident like Angle. He’s got more of a quiet intensity, like he just wants to get to the ring and get to work. I wince every time he takes a shot to the head, and I can’t help wondering, what if that hadn’t happened? Would it have made a difference?
At any rate, Jericho, Benoit, and Angle put on a good match. Benoit wins the Intercontinental Belt, and my beloved Jericho wins the European. Poor Mr. Olympic Medal is left with nothing.
For some reason, we now have another Tag Match (aaaargh!) between X-Pac and Road Dogg (representing DX) and the unlikely team of Rikishi and Kane. The Big Red Monster and the big guy who likes to dance win. The Too Cool team (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay, for those of you who were able to forget those fabulous names) join Rikishi for a dance party in the ring.
At long last, we’ve arrived at the main event. It’s McMahon versus McMahon, with each member of the family being represented in the ring by the wrestler of their choosing. Vince has The Rock, Linda has Mick Foley, Shane has Big Show, and Stephanie has Triple H. Aside from defending the interests of their chosen McMahon, each man will also be competing for the WWE Championship. I am amused at the sight of a rather svelte Big Show. I often forget how long he’s been around.
Unfortunately, the fact that this is The Big One, the match that means the most, has been overshadowed by this McMahon family business. In fact, it took over this whole WrestleMania. It was the subject of all the backstage clips and hype, and not only this Championship match, but all the others appear to have taken a backseat to “the most dysfunctional family in the world.” I don’t even remember how this feud started, and I’m not particularly interested in who comes out on top (ok, that’s not true. I like Linda best, mostly because she is the least involved in wrestling storylines, and she’s got Mick Foley on her side. And don’t we all love Mick Foley?). A plain Four-Way Match between the always awesome Rock, Trips, and Mick, and the underrated Show, would have been just fine in itself. As I’ve said, the McMahon involvement is distracting and unnecessary.
Big Show is eliminated strangely early, as the match continues for a long time without him, and his early exit really throws me off. The sentimental favorite is Mick (aka Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love, for those who don’t know), the straight-up villain is Triple H, the nonentity is Big Show, and The Rock is…The Rock. At this point he’s pretty much transcended labels.
The Spanish announce table is decimated again. Mick is eliminated by Trips, but because this was billed as Foley’s last WrestleMania match, he exits the ring to a well-deserved standing ovation. It all comes down to The Rock and Triple H, as we all knew it would. It seems that the match will never end, until Vince, in a typical dastardly move, turns on The Rock, allowing Triple H to pick up the win. However, Rocky recovers and makes the crowd very happy after punishing Vince, Steph, and Hunter. At last, The Rock has returned to WrestleMania! Oh yeah, we smell what he’s cooking.
And that was it. WrestleMania 16. A disappointing start to the decade to be sure, despite one truly awesome match, and a couple of decent ones. We won’t be seeing most of these men again, but some of them are destined for even greater things. Stay tuned for WrestleMania X7! (Yes, “X7” is way cooler than plain ol’ number 17.)
