I’m really coming to love these opening montages, listening to the old and new wrestlers talk about how defining WrestleMania is. They go through a lot to get to this point, just for the privilege of giving their all for our entertainment.
Limp Bizkit sings us into Seattle. Wow. Limp Bizkit is still relevant here. Sorry, I’m just going to flash back to high school now.
JR’s got his John Wayne cufflinks on and Lawler’s in his best tacky ensemble. This must be WrestleMania! This year they will be joined by the Smackdown commentators. Tazz is looking nifty in a suit, and Michael Cole is…well, he’s trying. Vintage Cole!
It’s Rey Mysterio’s first WrestleMania! And so begins the tradition of his extremely detailed WrestleMania ring attire. This year he's channeling Daredevil, so Rey’s working a deep red hue and a horned mask with white coloured contact lenses. Daredevil Rey is fighting Matt Hardy, flying solo this year. Matt holds the Cruiserweight title. Rey does his thing—flying around like a masked hummingbird. This is back when Matt Hardy could move better than he can now, so it’s a good match.
Confession time: I used to love Matt Hardy, and I have no idea why. There’s no particular reason why he should stand out in my affections, yet I can't help feeling nostaligic for ol’ Matt. Maybe it’s because all the fan girls like Jeff. There was Jeff falling off ladders (big deal!), being artsy and whatever, while Matt was working away in the background and, you know, not failing drug tests.
Anyway, Matt wins in an underhanded manner, aided by his cohort Shannon Moore. I miss the Cruiserweight belt.
Limp Bizkit sings “Rollin’” Oh my god, do you all remember this song? I loved this song! At the end of the song, the Undertaker rolls in on his motorcycle, replete with an enormous American flag. Biker Taker is now the Ultra American Badass. He’s fighting in a handicap match (two on one) against the Big Show and A-Train. Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me that we have already met A-Train—he was partnered with Test, under the name of Albert, at WrestleMania 2000. Kudos to Rory for spotting that!
After being the underdog for much of the match, Taker takes this one. Not only is it WrestleMania (where, as you remember, he never loses), but the United States is now entrenched in Iraq. A win for Super Patriotic Yet Badass Undertaker is good for morale. He waves the flag around, and we all look forward to a quick victory in the Middle East. You can learn a lot about world affairs by watching wrestling, actually, just by paying attention to who the good guys and bad guys are.
The women are fighting early this year. Lawler has an aneurism as Trish Stratus enters the ring. Her ring attire looks terribly impractical. I will spend this entire match hoping that her top is more secure than it looks. Jazz is here again too, looking formidable and awesome. The Champion coming in is Victoria, employing a psychotic persona and accompanied by a male lackey, Steven Richards. JR talks about what great athletes these ladies are and King…well, never mind what King says. This is another excellent effort from the women; I would say it’s even better than last year because Trish is on more equal footing. Not being built like Jazz and Victoria, she’s finding her own style. She’s still not the best in the ring, but she picks up the title anyway. And look how far Ms. Stratus has come in four years: From bit of fluff, to player in the McMahon family drama, to a legitimate contender, to title winner. It’s all up from here, Trish!
This year The Rock is being painted as a villain for having a movie career and turning his back on the fans. He is determined to beat Stone Cold this year, as he has never done it at WrestleMania. God, I miss The Rock running his mouth.
Tag Time! Los Guerreros are here, consisting of Eddie and his nephew Chavo. Yay, Chavo! In the present Chavo is…well, he’s lucky if he gets a match, so it’s awesome to see him here. They’re fighting Chris Benoit and Rhyno, as well as the current title holders, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, the World's Greatest Tag Team and members of Team Angle. Yay, Shelton Benjamin! We’ll be oohing and ahhing over Shelton Benjamin’s awesomeness in ladder matches to come. The rules are the same as the Four Corners match last year—two men in the ring at a time, anyone can tag anyone. Eddie and Benoit go head to head, and their confrontation is probably the best of the match. However, Team Angle wins.
Something possessed my beloved Chris Jericho to grow some awful facial hair. It’s…bad. If he wasn’t Chris Jericho, I might be tempted to call that growth on his chin downright unattractive. Aesthetic concerns aside, this year he will be assisting Shawn Michaels in his comeback. Y2J is playing the arrogant upstart who once idolized the Heartbreak Kid, but now feels that he has surpassed his hero. He promises to end HBK’s career. Shawn will attempt to prove that he’s still got it, and that we were all right to welcome him back with open arms. This promises to be a real battle of the gaudy ring attire!
I am excited for this match (yeah, yeah, when am I not excited for a Jericho match?). I don’t think it’s an accident that I loved Shawn Michaels as a child (until he betrayed Diesel, of course. That shattered me!) and that Chris Jericho is my favorite as an adult. The similarities are there—the flashy ring attire, the loads of charisma, the mic skills, the wrestling skills, the three letter name abbreviations. They are both such pro performers. Lawler goes back to his young lion/old lion analogy, doing a better job of spitting it out this year.
Jericho engages in my favorite form of cheap heat—imitating his opponent’s signature moves and poses. This is my favorite type of match—a complex backstory leading to real emotional investment, carried out by performers who can also put on a good physical show. This is exhausting to watch; they’re both putting absolutely everything out there. Jericho is at his bad guy best, trying to show that he deserves the crowd’s adulation even while making it clear that he hates them for cheering Michaels. All Shawn has to do is be likeable, and he certainly has no problems there! He feeds off the energy of the crowd and beats Jericho, who is left to stew in the knowledge that we love HBK more than him (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”).
Limp Bizkit is going to shill their new album while we all recover from the greatness that was that last match.
And now, *sigh,* a “Catfight.” Yes, because after the sheer, fierce athleticism of Jazz, Victoria, and Trish, we must remind the audience that women are, in fact, objects, and that’s all they want to be. Sure, there are some freakish women in the company who actually know how to wrestle, but have no fear! There are still women out there who desire nothing more than to have you salivate over them. I hate this. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having beautiful faces to look at. Look at the way I go on about Chris Jericho! The difference is that Chris Jericho is also a brilliant wrestler and he is presented as such. The men do not do sexy, themed photo shoots. They don’t pose in Playgirl. They aren’t paraded around as vapid hunks of meat (well, not anymore). The men are (generally) expected to have the in-ring ability to earn their paychecks. And if they don’t have the ability, they’ve got the charisma to win the crowd over (I love you, John Cena!). Women like Jazz, Victoria, and their counterparts in the present have to work so damn hard to get good matches and equal representation. It just burns me up to see the lowest common denominator pandered to like this.
Anyway, after that bit of nonsense, Triple H will now be defending his World Championship against Booker T. They’re really playing up Triple H’s original Hunter Hearst Helmsley rich boy character to better contrast Booker’s humble background. Ric Flair is here as Hunter’s mentor. I really like Booker T, and I wish I had watched WCW so that I could have seen him when he was top dog. Lawler has slid into his heel role, talking up Triple H and deriding Booker T with gusto. He gets in some digs at WCW’s expense too, much to Vince’s probable delight. Honestly, his back and forth with JR is probably one of the best parts of this match.
After what feels like a very lengthy match, Triple H retains his title. I could be mistaken, but I think this was at the point when it felt like Triple H always had a title. And if he lost, he wouldn’t lose cleanly. Just from watching this one match, I kind of felt that. Yeah.
Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan are fighting over who made WrestleMania, and the WWE, what it is. Apparently a lot of bad blood has been built up between them over the years, and now they’re going to settle things. I have to admit, I am not overly excited to see these two men fight. They’re both past (well past) their prime and, as I’ve discussed before, I’m happier when a McMahon isn’t trying to shoehorn his or her self into things. Hogan had a big match last year; the crowd can only go nuts so many times. And the fact that both of these men are still so muscular just freaks me out. I’m almost positive they’ve had some steroidal aid. Well, Vince, anyway. Hogan looks much smaller and more natural than he did in his heyday. There’s no way Vince’s build is natural.
The match mostly involves Hogan and Vince throwing each other into things and hitting each other with foreign objects, because there’s not much else either one can do. I’m really not one for “Let’s see who can bleed more!” matches unless Mick Foley is involved. At one point Hogan goes to hit Vince with a chair but Vince ducks and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers! That was totally uncalled for! And then Vince drops onto Hogan from atop a ladder, right through the Spanish announce table. I am relieved to see an official tending to the announcer. Finally, some respect!
Then Roddy Piper comes out of nowhere for some reason. He can’t decide whether to attack Vince or Hogan. The crowd cheers him; nostalgia makes us forget that he’s the ultimate bad guy. After beating Hogan with a lead pipe (now we boo him!), he leaves Mr. McMahon to finish the job. Unfortunately for Vince, this is WrestleMania, and no one wants to see him win. Hogan activates his Miraculous Comeback powers and takes down the boss.
We will now watch Stone Cold Steve Austin’s very last match. He had been wrestling despite doctor’s orders for years, yet he’s still going to give his all in this match.
The remaining Spanish announcer hasn’t even been given a replacement table. He’s just hanging out in a corner all by himself. Poor guy.
I have a hard time getting invested in this match, and I can’t figure out why. The Rock wins without too much of a battle. It was a good enough match, and I should have enjoyed it more than I did. The Rock! Stone Cold! Stone Cold’s last match! Maybe I’m just tired. I wish they had actually billed this as his last match, as he didn’t get enough fanfare while exiting the ring.
The main event this year involves Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar fighting for the WWE Championship belt, held by Angle. Whatever, Brock Lesnar. Apparently he prefers real fighting to the awesomeness of fake fighting. From what I’m gathering from the clip package, this is actually a pretty interesting feud. Rory points out that Lesnar has come out of absolutely nowhere to main-event in his first WrestleMania, which makes us resent him more.
These guys are both really good athletes. There are many wrestling holds and feats of strength. Lesnar gets thrown around an awful lot by Kurt. How fake does it feel having your face slammed into the mat, Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. My taunts at Lesnar aside, this is an excellent match. Brock Lesnar attempts a shooting star press from the top rope. He whiffs it, but it still looks impressive. Can’t do that in real fighting, can you Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Lesnar wins the title, in his very first WrestleMania. Angle and Lesnar both look absolutely drained after that. They even share a man hug afterward!
That was probably the most satisfying WrestleMania yet, catfights and poor facial hair aside. There weren’t as many matches as previously, but they were of excellent quality.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
WrestleMania 18 (2002)
We’re in Toronto this time around, and Saliva sings us into the show. They do a pretty awesome job, if I do say so. I probably won’t get to this again so I’ll just mention it here: Toronto? Your signs suck. Aside from the one with Jericho as the maple leaf in the Canadian flag. The rest of them? Lame.
JR welcomes us to the Skydome. He is joined once again by Jerry Lawler, much to my relief.
First up is ECW alumnus Rob Van Dam battling to take the Intercontinental Championship from William Regal, who, as you will remember, also opened last year. This should be a good match, though. Regal likes to brawl and RVD likes to flip around. He’s so much fun to watch. Regal’s lip is busted wide open, and he looks rather sinister with his bloodied teeth. He also tries to sneak some brass knuckles past the ref, but the ref is too wise. Yay, ref! RVD wins.
Christian is fighting by himself this year. He earns some cheap heat by trashing his hometown of Toronto and then enters to his very own theme. Aww, Christian, you're all grown up! He’s fighting Diamond Dallas Paige, his former mentor whom he betrayed, for the European Championship. It’s a fairly good match. Christian is just trying to establish himself as a solo competitor. He doesn’t win the belt, but with the help of DDP he does let us know that he is a thoroughly bad lot.
Backstage, Johnathan Coachman conducts a hilarious interview with The Rock. Well, mostly Coach just lets The Rock talk, but that never fails to produce awesome results.
It’s hardcore time. Goldust will be vying for the Hardcore Championship against Maven (not to be confused with the horribly attired Raven of last year). Maven is pretty much a nonentity, to be honest. Neither I nor Rory have any idea who he is. When I looked it up, I found out he was a winner of Tough Enough, the WWE's competitive reality show. Now you know. It’s awesome to see Goldust at WrestlemMnia and fighting for a title, though. He’s even got special gold colored trashcans to use as weapons! They go at it for a while, and while both men are recovering from hitting each other with trash can lids, Spike Dudley runs in and pins Maven for the title! The rules are that anyone can win the title within a 24 hour period, as long as a ref is there to do the pin count. As Spike runs off he is pursued by Crash Holly.
For some reason, we now have the backstory to the Jericho/Triple H match told in music video form, playing behind a live band. It’s a neat idea, but it’s impossible to actually figure out the story as the camera jumps around and we don’t actually hear the dialogue in the clips. At any rate, Drowning Pool attempts to sing us the story of Triple H vs. my beloved Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon has apparently betrayed Triple H and joined up with Jericho, because Triple H, during his injury caused absence, has not been fulfilling her needs. Their match isn’t even up next, so it’s a little strange to have the video here. All of the other feuds get actual video packages so this is just…odd.
Backstage, we cut to Crash doing his best to take the Hardcore title from Spike. Al Snow enters the fray in a golf cart, and The Hurricane swoops in to take the belt. This Hardcore side arc will carry through the rest of the night, and it is awesome.
Kurt Angle enters the ring, now with the crowd chanting “You Suck!” along to his theme (one intelligent Torontonian has a sign reading “You Suk.” Fail, Toronto. Fail.). Kurt insults Canada, ‘cause, you know, he’s a bad guy. We love to hate you, Kurt! He’s fighting Kane, for some reason. Angle wins unfairly, again, as he does.
There is a No Disqualification match between the Undertaker and Ric Flair. We get a proper backstory this time, and it all began back when Taker determined to get Flair in the ring at WrestleMania. Flair said no, sending Taker on an assault spree of Flair’s friends and son in an effort to get Flair to change his mind. There’s also some business involving Flair and the McMahons, but it’s unclear to me, except that Vince is able to put Ric at a disadvantage. Taker comes off as a sly bastard. I kind of miss when he had emotions.
King is at his bad guy announcer best. Out of nowhere he declares that “Flair’s an idiot,” much to JR’s well played incredulity. They snipe at each other for the entire match, and I love it.
It’s a testament to both the build-up of this match and the abilities of Taker and Flair that for a while I actually think that Flair might win this. (For those who don’t know, the Undertaker never loses at WrestleMania. Spoiler!) It takes longer than I expected for Flair to start bleeding (that is, five minutes in rather than two. The man bleeds easily, what can I say?). Blood is all over his face and in his hair. Eeeew. And yes, it’s all real. The trouble with old guys like Flair is that back in the day they all used to cut themselves during matches, leaving their foreheads a mass of scar tissue, so that now they’ll bleed for real at the drop of a hat.
Flair takes a real beating, and whenever he shows signs of fighting back we all hope so hard that he’ll get the upper hand. Woo!
The Undertaker disrespects the ref for the second year in a row. You’ll pay for that someday, Taker! The Referee Revolution is coming…
It is not to be the old man’s night. The Undertaker wins after a Tombstone, his tenth WrestleMania win in the bag.
Booker T, a WCW alumnus, will be taking on Edge in singles' competition. Booker enters to his awesome theme.
Edge got to keep his and Christian’s tag team theme. Booker T and Edge put on a very good show. Edge wins, to the delight of the Toronto crowd. Booker already made it big in WCW, of course, and Edge is just getting started.
Back to the Hardcore saga. Hurricane still has the belt, and is joined by his sidekick Mighty Molly. But then…Molly takes down the Hurricane and steals the belt for herself!
It’s nWo time. Have some history:
Once upon a time there was a wrestling company called WCW. It was run by a man named Eric Bischoff, in whose person cleverness and stupidity were combined in a most astonishing fashion. Cleverly, he came up with the idea of an outside group who would come in and shake up WCW (stupidly, he would come to let this idea dominate absolutely every aspect of the company, but that's another story). Who better to furnish a threat to WCW than former employees of WWE, a rival company? Thus, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, whose contracts with the WWE had just run out, came to WCW as Outsiders, coyly not revealing who they were actually employed by. When Hogan came on board, the group became known as nWo--New World Order. That was back in 1996. In 2001, the WWE bought WCW and Mr. McMahon reintroduced nWo in 2002. In storyline, they were his hired guns who would take out the more bothersome elements of the roster.
And this brings us to Stone Cold, a bothersome rattlesnake if ever there was one, fighting Scott Hall. In my childhood, Mr. Hall was known as Razor Ramon. I never really took to his character, but still--nostalgia. We’re all on Austin’s side again after last year’s temporary team-up with Mr. McMahon.
Scott Hall enters with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, when he was known as Diesel, was my favorite wrestler as a child. Because of this, I refuse to hear a bad word about Kevin Nash. I love him. People will tell you, “Oh, Kevin Nash ruined WCW. Now he's ruining TNA.” To these people I say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!” I have made up songs about how Kevin Nash is innocent of everything ever (though Rory won’t let me sing them anymore. To be fair, the lyrics are mostly “Kevin Nash is awesome and can do no wrong,” sung to whatever tune is in my head.). JR asserts that Nash is “not a man of high character.” You take that back, JR! (Lawler, meanwhile, is impressed with Nash’s tallness. Good point, King.)
As to the actual match, Hall and Austin go at it with a will. Nash interferes every time the ref’s back is turned, of course. The ref is knocked down, and Stone Cold Stuns both Hall and Nash, but there is no ref to perform the count! ANOTHER ref runs in to help, but Nash takes care of him. Austin still has to hold his own against two men. A whole gaggle of refs run in and politely ask Nash to sod off. Go, refs! Do not stand for abuse!
Hall clearly can’t close the deal by himself, allowing Stone Cold to get the win. We pause while Austin enjoys some Molson Canadian.
They’re calling the Tag Match a “Four Corners” match this year. There are four teams, but only two guys are in the ring at a time and you can tag in anyone, not just your team mate. I suppose this is meant to add an element of strategy to the match. Let’s see who we’ve got this year: the Dudleys are still here, and they’ve acquired Stacy Keibler (she of the famous legs) as their valet. Farooq and Bradshaw are still together as APA. The Hardys are still here, being extreme. Jeff looks even more like a crack addict than he did last year, still obstinately wearing that horrid mesh shirt. Matt, I’m happy to report, has wised up, as far as ring attire. And then we have Billy and Chuck. They enter to a boy band-esque theme and flounce to the ring. Yeah, they are not at all subtly gay. I suppose I should be impressed that the WWE gave the Tag Team belts to a team that will end up having a storyline wedding, but they're just so silly.
Bradshaw mixes it up with Billy and/or Chuck for awhile, but things don’t really get interesting until the Dudleys come in to play, eliminating APA. Then the Hardys take on the Dudleys, which is awesome. These teams really know how to play off of each other. Billy and Chuck are just kind of there, and nobody really cares. We’re all in it for the tables and Jeff Hardy flinging himself from the top rope. Once Jeff takes off his shirt I actually fear for his health because he looks so scrawny and pale. It honestly looks like Bubba Rae is beating on a homeless person.
Unfortunately, we have to deal with Lawler salivating over Stacy Keibler for the entire match.
Matt saves the day for Jeff (the usual in Hardy Land) and eliminates the Dudleys, leaving us with the Hardys vs. the increasingly unexciting Billy and Chuck. Despite much leaping about by Jeff, Billy (or is that Chuck?) pins him and they retain the Championship.
That was such a lackluster match, especially compared to the awesomeness of the previous Tag matches. I’m disappointed APA was eliminated so early, and that, after completely carrying the entire match, the Dudleys and Hardys were both shut out.
More Hardcore shenanigans! Mighty Molly is absconding with her ill-gotten gains when Christian knocks her out with a door like the big jerk he is. Oh, Christian, as JR rightly puts it, “What a dastardly act!”
Another old guy match—The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, fighting over which is the bigger icon to come out of the WWE. We get to hear nWo’s theme again, which I happen to like. The crowd, in direct defiance of the narrative direction, cheers like crazy for bad-guy Hogan. They also erupt at The Rock’s entrance. Everyone is pumped to see two legends in action against each other. Lawler goes into a prolonged and nonsensical metaphor about young and old lions. I know where he’s going but, man, it’s painful listening to him get there.
Hogan and Rock engage in a stare down to start things off, and everyone is just absorbing this scene, taking it all in. The crowd cheers at every pose, every single move. It’s completely insane, in a good way. They really aren’t even wrestling that much; a lot of shoving and throwing punches. No one minds. Hogan dominates for what feels like forever. He also uses the Rock’s momentum to take out the ref, poor guy. What did he do to deserve being hit with a flying Rock?
Naturally the moment that the ref isn’t available is the moment that The Rock gains the upper hand. That’s, like, a wrestling law or something. Aww, and JR just informs us that the ref is Mike Chioda, the same ref who took abuse from both Triple H and the Undertaker last year.
The pace starts to pick up, and there’s some good back-and-forth. The Rock wins and the crowd goes nuts again. Hogan rises, looking crushed, and offers the Rock his hand. They give each other kudos, gesturing to the crowd. Hall and Nash (who is doing nothing wrong!) interrupt all the good feeling and attack their team mate. But The Rock is there to defend the old guy, and after dispatching nWo The Rock insists on Hogan sticking around to share in the limelight and bask in the cheers. Awww, isn’t that swell? I love seeing the two of them walk back up the ramp together; it’s such a nice moment. Hogan is all, “This young guy just made me look really good,” and Rock is all, “I was just in the ring with my hero!” and they’re both all, “That was awesome, am I right? Let’s hit the showers.”
Finally, finally a good women’s match. I am so excited for this! The current title holder is Jazz. Challenging her will be Lita and Trish Stratus. Lita and Jazz don’t even wait for Trish to finish her entrance before getting started.
This is a really good match; it’s a shame the crowd is so drained after the emotion of the Hogan/Rock match. In fact, that’s probably exactly why this match is situated where it is. Who cares about the women, right? Go get a snack, collect your wits for the Main Event. Never mind that three very fine competitors are about to put on an awesome show. Whatever, WWE.
Trish is quite obviously not in the same league as Jazz and Lita, but she does her best. In fact, that’s one of the things I love about Trish: she really worked to get to where she did. She wasn’t content to remain the bit of blonde fluff that she was clearly hired to be, unlike many of the current Divas (hi, Kelly Kelly!).
I can’t even express how much I love JR for legitimately calling this match with King beside him bleating about “positions” and “puppies.” Someone forgot to tell Lawler that the ladies are allowed to be awesome for reasons other than their anatomical attributes now.
Jazz retains her title after an excellent effort by all three competitors. This is what women’s wrestling should be.
We immediately cut away to Christian gloating over his title, but he’s taken down by Maven (remember him?), and Christian is left to throw another tantrum. It hasn’t been the best WrestleMania for Christian. That hardcore saga was awesome though.
Triple H will be main eventing tonight against my beloved Chris Jericho, who is currently the Undisputed Champion, holding both the WCW and WWE champion belts. He won them after beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night. Ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. He also holds the allegiance of Stephanie McMahon, still doing her hair no favours and currently clad in an atrocious shade of teal. Mind you, my beloved Y2J is wearing lime green pants with a blinding pink and silver sparkling coat, so, you know, whatever. JR breaks out the worst insult he ever calls a woman: a jezebel. Steph betrayed her man, you see, that evil wench!
Triple H metes out some punishment to Steph and I wonder, for neither the first nor last time, if feuding in the ring makes for a happier real life marriage or if it just makes life very, very confusing for their children. Steph also sasses the ref, that jezebel.
Because we’re in Canada, there is an audible “Y2J!” chant. Canadians are noted for completely disregarding storylines; we always cheer our own.
The Spanish announce table goes down under the weight of Triple H. They almost made it all the way through WrestleMania!
In the end, Triple H wins both belts. Bully for him.
That was a pretty good match. Jericho was, of course, even better than awesome. Steph’s presence was a little overdone. I know it’s her job to interfere and be a terrible person, but to me it came across as a McMahon taking over the match, yet again. Triple H also indulged in a bit of a Miraculous Comeback and I hate that. There were no real jaw dropping moments that one might expect from the Main Event at WrestleMania, in a contest for two championship belts. Still, a good match. I’m probably just bitter because Jericho can’t always have a belt to carry around.
And so we have reached the end of WrestleMania X8. The old guys and young guys alike put on a good show. There were some fun backstage shenanigans and a great match for the women. All in all, a satisfying WrestleMania.
JR welcomes us to the Skydome. He is joined once again by Jerry Lawler, much to my relief.
First up is ECW alumnus Rob Van Dam battling to take the Intercontinental Championship from William Regal, who, as you will remember, also opened last year. This should be a good match, though. Regal likes to brawl and RVD likes to flip around. He’s so much fun to watch. Regal’s lip is busted wide open, and he looks rather sinister with his bloodied teeth. He also tries to sneak some brass knuckles past the ref, but the ref is too wise. Yay, ref! RVD wins.
Christian is fighting by himself this year. He earns some cheap heat by trashing his hometown of Toronto and then enters to his very own theme. Aww, Christian, you're all grown up! He’s fighting Diamond Dallas Paige, his former mentor whom he betrayed, for the European Championship. It’s a fairly good match. Christian is just trying to establish himself as a solo competitor. He doesn’t win the belt, but with the help of DDP he does let us know that he is a thoroughly bad lot.
Backstage, Johnathan Coachman conducts a hilarious interview with The Rock. Well, mostly Coach just lets The Rock talk, but that never fails to produce awesome results.
It’s hardcore time. Goldust will be vying for the Hardcore Championship against Maven (not to be confused with the horribly attired Raven of last year). Maven is pretty much a nonentity, to be honest. Neither I nor Rory have any idea who he is. When I looked it up, I found out he was a winner of Tough Enough, the WWE's competitive reality show. Now you know. It’s awesome to see Goldust at WrestlemMnia and fighting for a title, though. He’s even got special gold colored trashcans to use as weapons! They go at it for a while, and while both men are recovering from hitting each other with trash can lids, Spike Dudley runs in and pins Maven for the title! The rules are that anyone can win the title within a 24 hour period, as long as a ref is there to do the pin count. As Spike runs off he is pursued by Crash Holly.
For some reason, we now have the backstory to the Jericho/Triple H match told in music video form, playing behind a live band. It’s a neat idea, but it’s impossible to actually figure out the story as the camera jumps around and we don’t actually hear the dialogue in the clips. At any rate, Drowning Pool attempts to sing us the story of Triple H vs. my beloved Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon has apparently betrayed Triple H and joined up with Jericho, because Triple H, during his injury caused absence, has not been fulfilling her needs. Their match isn’t even up next, so it’s a little strange to have the video here. All of the other feuds get actual video packages so this is just…odd.
Backstage, we cut to Crash doing his best to take the Hardcore title from Spike. Al Snow enters the fray in a golf cart, and The Hurricane swoops in to take the belt. This Hardcore side arc will carry through the rest of the night, and it is awesome.
Kurt Angle enters the ring, now with the crowd chanting “You Suck!” along to his theme (one intelligent Torontonian has a sign reading “You Suk.” Fail, Toronto. Fail.). Kurt insults Canada, ‘cause, you know, he’s a bad guy. We love to hate you, Kurt! He’s fighting Kane, for some reason. Angle wins unfairly, again, as he does.
There is a No Disqualification match between the Undertaker and Ric Flair. We get a proper backstory this time, and it all began back when Taker determined to get Flair in the ring at WrestleMania. Flair said no, sending Taker on an assault spree of Flair’s friends and son in an effort to get Flair to change his mind. There’s also some business involving Flair and the McMahons, but it’s unclear to me, except that Vince is able to put Ric at a disadvantage. Taker comes off as a sly bastard. I kind of miss when he had emotions.
King is at his bad guy announcer best. Out of nowhere he declares that “Flair’s an idiot,” much to JR’s well played incredulity. They snipe at each other for the entire match, and I love it.
It’s a testament to both the build-up of this match and the abilities of Taker and Flair that for a while I actually think that Flair might win this. (For those who don’t know, the Undertaker never loses at WrestleMania. Spoiler!) It takes longer than I expected for Flair to start bleeding (that is, five minutes in rather than two. The man bleeds easily, what can I say?). Blood is all over his face and in his hair. Eeeew. And yes, it’s all real. The trouble with old guys like Flair is that back in the day they all used to cut themselves during matches, leaving their foreheads a mass of scar tissue, so that now they’ll bleed for real at the drop of a hat.
Flair takes a real beating, and whenever he shows signs of fighting back we all hope so hard that he’ll get the upper hand. Woo!
The Undertaker disrespects the ref for the second year in a row. You’ll pay for that someday, Taker! The Referee Revolution is coming…
It is not to be the old man’s night. The Undertaker wins after a Tombstone, his tenth WrestleMania win in the bag.
Booker T, a WCW alumnus, will be taking on Edge in singles' competition. Booker enters to his awesome theme.
Edge got to keep his and Christian’s tag team theme. Booker T and Edge put on a very good show. Edge wins, to the delight of the Toronto crowd. Booker already made it big in WCW, of course, and Edge is just getting started.
Back to the Hardcore saga. Hurricane still has the belt, and is joined by his sidekick Mighty Molly. But then…Molly takes down the Hurricane and steals the belt for herself!
It’s nWo time. Have some history:
Once upon a time there was a wrestling company called WCW. It was run by a man named Eric Bischoff, in whose person cleverness and stupidity were combined in a most astonishing fashion. Cleverly, he came up with the idea of an outside group who would come in and shake up WCW (stupidly, he would come to let this idea dominate absolutely every aspect of the company, but that's another story). Who better to furnish a threat to WCW than former employees of WWE, a rival company? Thus, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, whose contracts with the WWE had just run out, came to WCW as Outsiders, coyly not revealing who they were actually employed by. When Hogan came on board, the group became known as nWo--New World Order. That was back in 1996. In 2001, the WWE bought WCW and Mr. McMahon reintroduced nWo in 2002. In storyline, they were his hired guns who would take out the more bothersome elements of the roster.
And this brings us to Stone Cold, a bothersome rattlesnake if ever there was one, fighting Scott Hall. In my childhood, Mr. Hall was known as Razor Ramon. I never really took to his character, but still--nostalgia. We’re all on Austin’s side again after last year’s temporary team-up with Mr. McMahon.
Scott Hall enters with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, when he was known as Diesel, was my favorite wrestler as a child. Because of this, I refuse to hear a bad word about Kevin Nash. I love him. People will tell you, “Oh, Kevin Nash ruined WCW. Now he's ruining TNA.” To these people I say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!” I have made up songs about how Kevin Nash is innocent of everything ever (though Rory won’t let me sing them anymore. To be fair, the lyrics are mostly “Kevin Nash is awesome and can do no wrong,” sung to whatever tune is in my head.). JR asserts that Nash is “not a man of high character.” You take that back, JR! (Lawler, meanwhile, is impressed with Nash’s tallness. Good point, King.)
As to the actual match, Hall and Austin go at it with a will. Nash interferes every time the ref’s back is turned, of course. The ref is knocked down, and Stone Cold Stuns both Hall and Nash, but there is no ref to perform the count! ANOTHER ref runs in to help, but Nash takes care of him. Austin still has to hold his own against two men. A whole gaggle of refs run in and politely ask Nash to sod off. Go, refs! Do not stand for abuse!
Hall clearly can’t close the deal by himself, allowing Stone Cold to get the win. We pause while Austin enjoys some Molson Canadian.
They’re calling the Tag Match a “Four Corners” match this year. There are four teams, but only two guys are in the ring at a time and you can tag in anyone, not just your team mate. I suppose this is meant to add an element of strategy to the match. Let’s see who we’ve got this year: the Dudleys are still here, and they’ve acquired Stacy Keibler (she of the famous legs) as their valet. Farooq and Bradshaw are still together as APA. The Hardys are still here, being extreme. Jeff looks even more like a crack addict than he did last year, still obstinately wearing that horrid mesh shirt. Matt, I’m happy to report, has wised up, as far as ring attire. And then we have Billy and Chuck. They enter to a boy band-esque theme and flounce to the ring. Yeah, they are not at all subtly gay. I suppose I should be impressed that the WWE gave the Tag Team belts to a team that will end up having a storyline wedding, but they're just so silly.
Bradshaw mixes it up with Billy and/or Chuck for awhile, but things don’t really get interesting until the Dudleys come in to play, eliminating APA. Then the Hardys take on the Dudleys, which is awesome. These teams really know how to play off of each other. Billy and Chuck are just kind of there, and nobody really cares. We’re all in it for the tables and Jeff Hardy flinging himself from the top rope. Once Jeff takes off his shirt I actually fear for his health because he looks so scrawny and pale. It honestly looks like Bubba Rae is beating on a homeless person.
Unfortunately, we have to deal with Lawler salivating over Stacy Keibler for the entire match.
Matt saves the day for Jeff (the usual in Hardy Land) and eliminates the Dudleys, leaving us with the Hardys vs. the increasingly unexciting Billy and Chuck. Despite much leaping about by Jeff, Billy (or is that Chuck?) pins him and they retain the Championship.
That was such a lackluster match, especially compared to the awesomeness of the previous Tag matches. I’m disappointed APA was eliminated so early, and that, after completely carrying the entire match, the Dudleys and Hardys were both shut out.
More Hardcore shenanigans! Mighty Molly is absconding with her ill-gotten gains when Christian knocks her out with a door like the big jerk he is. Oh, Christian, as JR rightly puts it, “What a dastardly act!”
Another old guy match—The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, fighting over which is the bigger icon to come out of the WWE. We get to hear nWo’s theme again, which I happen to like. The crowd, in direct defiance of the narrative direction, cheers like crazy for bad-guy Hogan. They also erupt at The Rock’s entrance. Everyone is pumped to see two legends in action against each other. Lawler goes into a prolonged and nonsensical metaphor about young and old lions. I know where he’s going but, man, it’s painful listening to him get there.
Hogan and Rock engage in a stare down to start things off, and everyone is just absorbing this scene, taking it all in. The crowd cheers at every pose, every single move. It’s completely insane, in a good way. They really aren’t even wrestling that much; a lot of shoving and throwing punches. No one minds. Hogan dominates for what feels like forever. He also uses the Rock’s momentum to take out the ref, poor guy. What did he do to deserve being hit with a flying Rock?
Naturally the moment that the ref isn’t available is the moment that The Rock gains the upper hand. That’s, like, a wrestling law or something. Aww, and JR just informs us that the ref is Mike Chioda, the same ref who took abuse from both Triple H and the Undertaker last year.
The pace starts to pick up, and there’s some good back-and-forth. The Rock wins and the crowd goes nuts again. Hogan rises, looking crushed, and offers the Rock his hand. They give each other kudos, gesturing to the crowd. Hall and Nash (who is doing nothing wrong!) interrupt all the good feeling and attack their team mate. But The Rock is there to defend the old guy, and after dispatching nWo The Rock insists on Hogan sticking around to share in the limelight and bask in the cheers. Awww, isn’t that swell? I love seeing the two of them walk back up the ramp together; it’s such a nice moment. Hogan is all, “This young guy just made me look really good,” and Rock is all, “I was just in the ring with my hero!” and they’re both all, “That was awesome, am I right? Let’s hit the showers.”
Finally, finally a good women’s match. I am so excited for this! The current title holder is Jazz. Challenging her will be Lita and Trish Stratus. Lita and Jazz don’t even wait for Trish to finish her entrance before getting started.
This is a really good match; it’s a shame the crowd is so drained after the emotion of the Hogan/Rock match. In fact, that’s probably exactly why this match is situated where it is. Who cares about the women, right? Go get a snack, collect your wits for the Main Event. Never mind that three very fine competitors are about to put on an awesome show. Whatever, WWE.
Trish is quite obviously not in the same league as Jazz and Lita, but she does her best. In fact, that’s one of the things I love about Trish: she really worked to get to where she did. She wasn’t content to remain the bit of blonde fluff that she was clearly hired to be, unlike many of the current Divas (hi, Kelly Kelly!).
I can’t even express how much I love JR for legitimately calling this match with King beside him bleating about “positions” and “puppies.” Someone forgot to tell Lawler that the ladies are allowed to be awesome for reasons other than their anatomical attributes now.
Jazz retains her title after an excellent effort by all three competitors. This is what women’s wrestling should be.
We immediately cut away to Christian gloating over his title, but he’s taken down by Maven (remember him?), and Christian is left to throw another tantrum. It hasn’t been the best WrestleMania for Christian. That hardcore saga was awesome though.
Triple H will be main eventing tonight against my beloved Chris Jericho, who is currently the Undisputed Champion, holding both the WCW and WWE champion belts. He won them after beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night. Ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. He also holds the allegiance of Stephanie McMahon, still doing her hair no favours and currently clad in an atrocious shade of teal. Mind you, my beloved Y2J is wearing lime green pants with a blinding pink and silver sparkling coat, so, you know, whatever. JR breaks out the worst insult he ever calls a woman: a jezebel. Steph betrayed her man, you see, that evil wench!
Triple H metes out some punishment to Steph and I wonder, for neither the first nor last time, if feuding in the ring makes for a happier real life marriage or if it just makes life very, very confusing for their children. Steph also sasses the ref, that jezebel.
Because we’re in Canada, there is an audible “Y2J!” chant. Canadians are noted for completely disregarding storylines; we always cheer our own.
The Spanish announce table goes down under the weight of Triple H. They almost made it all the way through WrestleMania!
In the end, Triple H wins both belts. Bully for him.
That was a pretty good match. Jericho was, of course, even better than awesome. Steph’s presence was a little overdone. I know it’s her job to interfere and be a terrible person, but to me it came across as a McMahon taking over the match, yet again. Triple H also indulged in a bit of a Miraculous Comeback and I hate that. There were no real jaw dropping moments that one might expect from the Main Event at WrestleMania, in a contest for two championship belts. Still, a good match. I’m probably just bitter because Jericho can’t always have a belt to carry around.
And so we have reached the end of WrestleMania X8. The old guys and young guys alike put on a good show. There were some fun backstage shenanigans and a great match for the women. All in all, a satisfying WrestleMania.
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