WrestleMania 19 (2003)

I’m really coming to love these opening montages, listening to the old and new wrestlers talk about how defining WrestleMania is. They go through a lot to get to this point, just for the privilege of giving their all for our entertainment.

Limp Bizkit sings us into Seattle. Wow. Limp Bizkit is still relevant here. Sorry, I’m just going to flash back to high school now.

JR’s got his John Wayne cufflinks on and Lawler’s in his best tacky ensemble. This must be WrestleMania! This year they will be joined by the Smackdown commentators. Tazz is looking nifty in a suit, and Michael Cole is…well, he’s trying. Vintage Cole!

It’s Rey Mysterio’s first WrestleMania! And so begins the tradition of his extremely detailed WrestleMania ring attire. This year he's channeling Daredevil, so Rey’s working a deep red hue and a horned mask with white coloured contact lenses. Daredevil Rey is fighting Matt Hardy, flying solo this year. Matt holds the Cruiserweight title. Rey does his thing—flying around like a masked hummingbird. This is back when Matt Hardy could move better than he can now, so it’s a good match.

Confession time: I used to love Matt Hardy, and I have no idea why. There’s no particular reason why he should stand out in my affections, yet I can't help feeling nostaligic for ol’ Matt. Maybe it’s because all the fan girls like Jeff. There was Jeff falling off ladders (big deal!), being artsy and whatever, while Matt was working away in the background and, you know, not failing drug tests.

Anyway, Matt wins in an underhanded manner, aided by his cohort Shannon Moore. I miss the Cruiserweight belt.

Limp Bizkit sings “Rollin’” Oh my god, do you all remember this song? I loved this song! At the end of the song, the Undertaker rolls in on his motorcycle, replete with an enormous American flag. Biker Taker is now the Ultra American Badass. He’s fighting in a handicap match (two on one) against the Big Show and A-Train. Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me that we have already met A-Train—he was partnered with Test, under the name of Albert, at WrestleMania 2000. Kudos to Rory for spotting that!

After being the underdog for much of the match, Taker takes this one. Not only is it WrestleMania (where, as you remember, he never loses), but the United States is now entrenched in Iraq. A win for Super Patriotic Yet Badass Undertaker is good for morale. He waves the flag around, and we all look forward to a quick victory in the Middle East. You can learn a lot about world affairs by watching wrestling, actually, just by paying attention to who the good guys and bad guys are.

The women are fighting early this year. Lawler has an aneurism as Trish Stratus enters the ring. Her ring attire looks terribly impractical. I will spend this entire match hoping that her top is more secure than it looks. Jazz is here again too, looking formidable and awesome. The Champion coming in is Victoria, employing a psychotic persona and accompanied by a male lackey, Steven Richards. JR talks about what great athletes these ladies are and King…well, never mind what King says. This is another excellent effort from the women; I would say it’s even better than last year because Trish is on more equal footing. Not being built like Jazz and Victoria, she’s finding her own style. She’s still not the best in the ring, but she picks up the title anyway. And look how far Ms. Stratus has come in four years: From bit of fluff, to player in the McMahon family drama, to a legitimate contender, to title winner. It’s all up from here, Trish!

This year The Rock is being painted as a villain for having a movie career and turning his back on the fans. He is determined to beat Stone Cold this year, as he has never done it at WrestleMania. God, I miss The Rock running his mouth.

Tag Time! Los Guerreros are here, consisting of Eddie and his nephew Chavo. Yay, Chavo! In the present Chavo is…well, he’s lucky if he gets a match, so it’s awesome to see him here. They’re fighting Chris Benoit and Rhyno, as well as the current title holders, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, the World's Greatest Tag Team and members of Team Angle. Yay, Shelton Benjamin! We’ll be oohing and ahhing over Shelton Benjamin’s awesomeness in ladder matches to come. The rules are the same as the Four Corners match last year—two men in the ring at a time, anyone can tag anyone. Eddie and Benoit go head to head, and their confrontation is probably the best of the match. However, Team Angle wins.

Something possessed my beloved Chris Jericho to grow some awful facial hair. It’s…bad. If he wasn’t Chris Jericho, I might be tempted to call that growth on his chin downright unattractive. Aesthetic concerns aside, this year he will be assisting Shawn Michaels in his comeback. Y2J is playing the arrogant upstart who once idolized the Heartbreak Kid, but now feels that he has surpassed his hero. He promises to end HBK’s career. Shawn will attempt to prove that he’s still got it, and that we were all right to welcome him back with open arms. This promises to be a real battle of the gaudy ring attire!

I am excited for this match (yeah, yeah, when am I not excited for a Jericho match?). I don’t think it’s an accident that I loved Shawn Michaels as a child (until he betrayed Diesel, of course. That shattered me!) and that Chris Jericho is my favorite as an adult. The similarities are there—the flashy ring attire, the loads of charisma, the mic skills, the wrestling skills, the three letter name abbreviations. They are both such pro performers. Lawler goes back to his young lion/old lion analogy, doing a better job of spitting it out this year.

Jericho engages in my favorite form of cheap heat—imitating his opponent’s signature moves and poses. This is my favorite type of match—a complex backstory leading to real emotional investment, carried out by performers who can also put on a good physical show. This is exhausting to watch; they’re both putting absolutely everything out there. Jericho is at his bad guy best, trying to show that he deserves the crowd’s adulation even while making it clear that he hates them for cheering Michaels. All Shawn has to do is be likeable, and he certainly has no problems there! He feeds off the energy of the crowd and beats Jericho, who is left to stew in the knowledge that we love HBK more than him (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”).

Limp Bizkit is going to shill their new album while we all recover from the greatness that was that last match.

And now, *sigh,* a “Catfight.” Yes, because after the sheer, fierce athleticism of Jazz, Victoria, and Trish, we must remind the audience that women are, in fact, objects, and that’s all they want to be. Sure, there are some freakish women in the company who actually know how to wrestle, but have no fear! There are still women out there who desire nothing more than to have you salivate over them. I hate this. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having beautiful faces to look at. Look at the way I go on about Chris Jericho! The difference is that Chris Jericho is also a brilliant wrestler and he is presented as such. The men do not do sexy, themed photo shoots. They don’t pose in Playgirl. They aren’t paraded around as vapid hunks of meat (well, not anymore). The men are (generally) expected to have the in-ring ability to earn their paychecks. And if they don’t have the ability, they’ve got the charisma to win the crowd over (I love you, John Cena!). Women like Jazz, Victoria, and their counterparts in the present have to work so damn hard to get good matches and equal representation. It just burns me up to see the lowest common denominator pandered to like this.

Anyway, after that bit of nonsense, Triple H will now be defending his World Championship against Booker T. They’re really playing up Triple H’s original Hunter Hearst Helmsley rich boy character to better contrast Booker’s humble background. Ric Flair is here as Hunter’s mentor. I really like Booker T, and I wish I had watched WCW so that I could have seen him when he was top dog. Lawler has slid into his heel role, talking up Triple H and deriding Booker T with gusto. He gets in some digs at WCW’s expense too, much to Vince’s probable delight. Honestly, his back and forth with JR is probably one of the best parts of this match.

After what feels like a very lengthy match, Triple H retains his title. I could be mistaken, but I think this was at the point when it felt like Triple H always had a title. And if he lost, he wouldn’t lose cleanly. Just from watching this one match, I kind of felt that. Yeah.

Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan are fighting over who made WrestleMania, and the WWE, what it is. Apparently a lot of bad blood has been built up between them over the years, and now they’re going to settle things. I have to admit, I am not overly excited to see these two men fight. They’re both past (well past) their prime and, as I’ve discussed before, I’m happier when a McMahon isn’t trying to shoehorn his or her self into things. Hogan had a big match last year; the crowd can only go nuts so many times. And the fact that both of these men are still so muscular just freaks me out. I’m almost positive they’ve had some steroidal aid. Well, Vince, anyway. Hogan looks much smaller and more natural than he did in his heyday. There’s no way Vince’s build is natural.

The match mostly involves Hogan and Vince throwing each other into things and hitting each other with foreign objects, because there’s not much else either one can do. I’m really not one for “Let’s see who can bleed more!” matches unless Mick Foley is involved. At one point Hogan goes to hit Vince with a chair but Vince ducks and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers! That was totally uncalled for! And then Vince drops onto Hogan from atop a ladder, right through the Spanish announce table. I am relieved to see an official tending to the announcer. Finally, some respect!

Then Roddy Piper comes out of nowhere for some reason. He can’t decide whether to attack Vince or Hogan. The crowd cheers him; nostalgia makes us forget that he’s the ultimate bad guy. After beating Hogan with a lead pipe (now we boo him!), he leaves Mr. McMahon to finish the job. Unfortunately for Vince, this is WrestleMania, and no one wants to see him win. Hogan activates his Miraculous Comeback powers and takes down the boss.

We will now watch Stone Cold Steve Austin’s very last match. He had been wrestling despite doctor’s orders for years, yet he’s still going to give his all in this match.

The remaining Spanish announcer hasn’t even been given a replacement table. He’s just hanging out in a corner all by himself. Poor guy.

I have a hard time getting invested in this match, and I can’t figure out why. The Rock wins without too much of a battle. It was a good enough match, and I should have enjoyed it more than I did. The Rock! Stone Cold! Stone Cold’s last match! Maybe I’m just tired. I wish they had actually billed this as his last match, as he didn’t get enough fanfare while exiting the ring.

The main event this year involves Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar fighting for the WWE Championship belt, held by Angle. Whatever, Brock Lesnar. Apparently he prefers real fighting to the awesomeness of fake fighting. From what I’m gathering from the clip package, this is actually a pretty interesting feud. Rory points out that Lesnar has come out of absolutely nowhere to main-event in his first WrestleMania, which makes us resent him more.

These guys are both really good athletes. There are many wrestling holds and feats of strength. Lesnar gets thrown around an awful lot by Kurt. How fake does it feel having your face slammed into the mat, Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. My taunts at Lesnar aside, this is an excellent match. Brock Lesnar attempts a shooting star press from the top rope. He whiffs it, but it still looks impressive. Can’t do that in real fighting, can you Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Lesnar wins the title, in his very first WrestleMania. Angle and Lesnar both look absolutely drained after that. They even share a man hug afterward!

That was probably the most satisfying WrestleMania yet, catfights and poor facial hair aside. There weren’t as many matches as previously, but they were of excellent quality.