WrestleMania 24 (2008)

Jets fly over Orlando as we open WrestleMania 24. It’s outdoors this year and things look a bit rainy. Whatever, seeing WrestleMania outside would be sweet. John Legend sings America the Beautiful and does a lovely job. Hey guys, did you know that WrestleMania is awesome? In case you haven’t got that message, here’s the usual montage of what Serious Business this is. Apparently the theme is that Anything Can Happen in a Year. Surprises are around every corner! Changes! New, shiny shenanigans! Actually, there were a ton of injuries and returns this year, so it was a pretty interesting time in the land of WWE.

The opening pyro is even more impressive outdoors, as we are welcomed by JR.

We open with a Belfast Brawl, to be fought by the ever dastardly JBL and Finlay the fightin’ Irishman. Remember Hornswoggle the leprechaun? Well, earlier in the year it was revealed that he was Mr. McMahon’s illegitimate son. Yeah. And JBL beat up on the little guy. For some reason. Finlay then tried to intercede for his former son, but JBL is just. So. Evil. And in a twist of twists, JBL then revealed that Hornswoggle is actually Finlay’s son! With that nonsense out of the way, a brawl between Finlay and JBL is bound to be awesome and I don’t care about the rest of this bullshit.

There are no Disqualifications in a Belfast Brawl and JBL goes to work on Finlay as soon as the Irishman reaches the ring. Foreign objects are introduced and much bashing ensues. Finlay does a suicide dive out of the ring only to be hit with a garbage can lid in midair. He doesn’t land too well, but of course gets right back into things because Finlay really is that tough. JBL throws a garbage can at Hornswoggle just because he is that evil.

JBL wins after a Clothesline From Hell. Evil! Yeah, that was as good an opening match as we’ve had in a while. Was the premise of this silly and do I wish that these two had a feud that didn’t involve bastard leprechaun children? Totally, but that was a good brawl and an excellent way to get the crowd pumped.

Kim Kardashian is guest hosting for some reason. She could not possibly do less interesting line readings. 

Money in the Bank! Money in the Bank! Let excitement ensue! John Morrison (also a Tag Champion) has his first WrestleMania match. He’s very sparkly and likes to flip about. The rest are familiar faces: Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Mr. Kennedy, MVP (also United States Champion), and…MY BELOVED CHRIS JERICHO!! Ah, yes, the return of awesomeness. And he’s also the Intercontinental Champion. He’s so shiny and brilliant…Gah! So excited for this match!

Everyone immediately goes for a ladder except for MVP, who picks off the ladder pickers. John Morrison tries to out-Shelton Benjamin everyone with a moonsault whilst holding a ladder. Shelton Benjamin then out-John Morrison’s everyone because…he’s Shelton Benjamin, bitches. Everyone seems to be taking turns in the ring while everyone else just kind of chills outside. It’s not my favourite way to run a multi-man match, but I’ll forgive it here as I think all these guys deserve to have a turn in the spotlight. Just when it looks like MVP is going to win, Matt Hardy runs in. He was sidelined by MVP months ago and now ruins his foe’s chances at winning the match, just like he ruins EVERYTHING (just kidding. I remember when I still liked you, Matt). It looks like Jericho is going to win, but Punk crawls his way back up and yeah, it’s pretty awesome to see my two favourite wrestlers battling like this. And my not-quite-as-beloved-as-Chris-Jericho CM Punk wins! Yay!

What an awesome match. There were good battles, good pacing, surprises, my pick won, and Shelton Benjamin continued to be the real Mr. Money in the Bank. I can ask for no more.

Cena, Orton, and Triple H all have their For Serious faces on backstage.

This year’s Hall of Fame includes Mae Young, Rocky Johnson, the High Chief Peter Maivia, Ric Flair, Jack and Gerry Brisco, Gordon Solie, and Eddie Graham. Mae Young gets the biggest ovation and it’s awesome.

Backstage, Snoop Dog is on hand to host the Play Boy Bunny lumberjack match that will be occurring later on (no, the women are not even fighting for the title. That would require investment in the women’s division. Madness!). Luckily Santino is on hand to be funny. That’s his job and he does it well. Mick Foley has a cameo! Because we all love him.

Smackdown vs. Raw bragging rights match.  William Regal, the GM for RAW, and Teddy Long, the assistant GM for Smackdown, are in the ring, which is fine by me as I love Regal to bits. They announce the chosen representative from each show. Batista is here for Smackdown and Teddy’s intro for him is more interesting than anything that’s ever come out of the Animal’s mouth. This match is pretty much here because Batista had nothing else to do and they couldn’t shoehorn him into a title match. Umaga is representing Raw. You will all remember how he was wasted on the McMahon shenanigans last year, so I’m looking forward to him, if not his opponent.

Batista spends most of his time writhing in pain and being generally useless. I’m not going to give him props for selling this year. He’s just boring. Orlando rightfully starts to boo when Batista starts mounting a Miraculous Comeback. They know that Umaga is doing all the work here. Batista manages to pull off a Batista Bomb and wins after doing absolutely nothing. Yup, that was pretty much illustrative of why I cannot stand Batista. Whatever. Excellent effort by Umaga in demonstrating that big wrestlers can do much more than just lumber around.

Before everything got going tonight there was an over the top rope battle royal for the right to fight Chavo Guerrero for the ECW championship, a match that will be occurring now. Yeah, that’s how important ECW is. Anyway, Kane won. Oh, Kane. No story for you. I’m glad to see Chavo because…I just like Chavo. He’s reliable and fun to watch. This is the first ECW championship match at WrestleMania.

Kane is a sneaky fellow and doesn’t even enter from the ramp because he’s magic like that. Having caught Chavo off guard he immediately pins him after the bell rings and wins the belt. Yeah, that’s how important ECW is. I don’t object to Kane winning things, but that’s a little offensive. Poor ECW. Poor Chavo.

There’s a bit with Carlito fighting a seagull and it’s hilarious.    

                                                     

Raven Simone is here for some reason. Oh, she’s with Make a Wish. That’s nice. Ok, props to WWE. Their work with Make a Wish is pretty damn awesome.

Mike Adamle interviews the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Woo! God, Flair looks old. His game plan is to be the man. Well, thanks for that.

Flair is having a match against Shawn Michaels, and if he loses he will have to retire. Shawn enters first, in a relatively tame ensemble. He is clearly taking this seriously. It would be a little crass to upstage Flair, I suppose. Flair, as always, is resplendent in enormous blue spangled robes with white feather trimming. If Dumbledore was a wrestler, he would look like this.

Things start out with a great deal of grappling, as one would expect. Shawn attempts a moonsault to the outside, but he lands on the announce table. Flair starts to take control as a result, manhandling HBK. Shawn does ANOTHER moonsault, but it looks like he lands awkwardly again. The match moves a little slow, but, come on, Flair is, like, six hundred years old. He still does pretty well, though. After some more back and forth in the ring, Shawn gets ready for some sweet chin music, but Flair gets to lock in the Figure Four hold first. The match rolls on with some more holds and counters. Finally, it’s time for a Superkick, but Flair kicks out. Shawn looks like death, letting us know that he’s having a heck of time putting the old man away and it’s killing him to do it. Flair gets in a low blow when the ref isn’t looking. Yeah, he’s a legend, but he still fights dirty. I cannot take the Figure Four seriously. It does not look painful in the least. I love that everyone cheers every time Ric tries to cheat. Being old is awesome! Suddenly everything you do is loveable.

They really amp up the drama for the finale. Flair is struggling to his feet, begging Shawn to just get it over with. Shawn is absolutely heartbroken about what he has to do, hesitating before one final Superkick. Then it’s over and Flair is left in the ring to say goodbye to the fans. He’s crying, his family is crying. Hell, I’m tearing up and I’m not even a huge Nature Boy fan. That was an excellent send off, and well deserved.

And then Ric Flair rode off into the sunset and did not continue to drag out his career with another wrestling company. Sigh.

Edge tells us he’s going to beat the Undertaker to prove that you can’t count on anything, just like he couldn’t count on Hulk Hogan to win at WrestleMania when he was a little kid. Basically, Edge wants to crush all the children’s dreams. What a jerk. Canadians suck.

Sigh. Another lumberjack tag match for the Divas, because God knows none of them are capable of carrying a match on their own merits as performers and athletes (heavy sarcasm alert!). Oh, and they might be pretty, but they are NOT entertaining enough without the aid of a male celebrity; in this case, Snoop Dogg, who rides to the ring in a pimped out golf cart, while the women walk. Wow. Stay classy, Snoop. Also, we keep focusing on Snoop and his ride, not the actual women. I’m trying to figure out who’s here! God damn it, then they all just mill around the ring, and there is no point in their being there.

ANYWAY. Our first team consists of Ashley (remember her from last year? Yeah) and Maria. Neither of them are brilliant wrestlers, and both of them are wearing the least functional ring gear I’ve ever seen and JR agrees with me. Thank you, JR! Both of them seem more interested in dancing with Snoop, which does not surprise me.

Here we go: their opponents are Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix and Melina. Am I supposed to believe this is a contest? Beth can kill people just by looking at them. Sadly, they are accompanied by Santino Marella (remember, we can do nothing without men!). Santino used to date Maria and now he’s with Beth or something so: scandalous! Whatever, I look forward to Beth and Melina crushing their competition.

Ashley does at least try some moves, but she works very slowly. I also worry about the security of her top. As if things aren’t tough enough for the ladies, the lights go out during the match, but they keep going. Maria almost pins Beth, but Santino interferes, prompting King to also interfere. It’s too late for poor Maria though, as Beth finally gets the pin.

Honestly, that wasn’t a bad match. I’ve seen far, far worse. Ashley and Maria, though not in the same league as Beth (few in the WWE are) or Melina, put up an ok fight. What pisses me off is, again, the pointless lumberjack diva parade, the celebrity appearance, and the Santino and King involvement. All of that detracted from the match and made it the nonentity that the WWE wanted it to be. This was not about women’s wrestling, but it could have been. Beth is more than capable of carrying a match with lesser opponents. As I said, this was not a terrible match by any means, but the focus of this segment wasn’t on the match at all, and that’s bullshit. The WWE clearly thinks that the fans won’t give a shit about women’s wrestling without all the bells and whistles (and male aid to help those poor females). And the fans will continue to not give a shit unless the company takes some damn initiative and shows some faith in the ladies.

Now back to manly issues of manliness. Cena returned at the Royal Rumble after being horribly injured, because he’s super like that. He just wanted to be at WrestleMania again. Triple H won the Elimination Chamber and there were some shenanigans that led to both of them facing Randy Orton at WrestleMania for the WWE title.

Hmm, big brass band up the ramp and on the entrance. Cena must be here. The band really gets into playing Cena’s theme. It’s a pretty cool entrance, but this is Cena so: obviously. Orlando boos Cena and he’s just like, “Yeah, ok.” This is why I can’t help but like John Cena. Triple H enters next, looking appropriately huge and intimidating. Orton, as WWE champ, enters last. I still don’t like him. I probably never will. However, at this point he’s kind of still working the young cocky guy persona, which I at least found watchable.

In a shocking twist, Orton is actually the underdog here. Weird. And he even pulls off some cool moves. Weirder. There’s a cool bit where Orton tries to RKO Cena but Cena shoves him into Triple H in mid-air. Triple H mostly leaves the confrontations to Cena and Orton, coming in when things need to be broken up. Those are the bits I look forward to most, actually. There are times when I really don’t mind watching Triple H clean house, and this is one of those times.

Then we have a spotlight on just Hunter and Cena and I wonder where the heck Orton is until he comes in just in time to break up the pin and then immediately pin Cena.

Eh. It was an all right match. As I said, this was when I could still stand Orton and he was the underdog here. That doesn’t excuse a win out of nowhere (I HATE that!), but the other options were Triple H and Cena and no one here really needed another title. Triple H mostly carried that match, as one would expect. Not bad, not great.

Big Show is taking on Floyd Mayweather in one of the least silly wrestler/celebrity feuds we’ve had. Mayweather takes FOREVER to get to the ring. Does he think he’s the Undertaker or something? Dude, you’re just a boxer, and a strangely dressed one at that. He has this weird enormous fur/leather vest thing. With matching shorts. It’s odd. Ok, let’s get this started already! Oh God, with the circling and the jabbing and the I don’t care. Show, crush him so we can move on.

Show starts decimating Floyd’s entourage. Why is this not over yet? After taking a beating, Mayweather’s entourage try to take him away from the ring, but Show won’t have any of that. Finally, FINALLY, Mayweather cheats and takes out Big Show. The crowd isn’t happy and I don’t blame them. I know why the WWE has celebrity matches, but I always hate watching wrestlers have to lie down for non-wrestlers. Plus, that was a Miraculous Comeback if ever I saw one. Little boxer man, I don’t put up with that from John Cena, I certainly won’t put up with it from you.

Kim Kardashian is back, still failing to work up any believable enthusiasm.

Our main event is part of a long series of confrontations between Edge and the Undertaker. This is probably one of my favorite feuds. Their bad blood aside, Edge also has the World Heavyweight championship. Taker, as always, has his winning streak on the line. I’ve run out of jokes regarding Taker’s long entrances. Whatever, it’s cool. I have to say, though, it manages to be even more impressive outdoors. The flames get to be more…flamey.

Edge comes out with his wife, Vickie Guererro, incapacitated and in a wheelchair after having been Tombstoned. Yes, Vickie Guererro, Eddie’s widow, and current GM of Smackdown. Vickie is a delightful villain, blatantly misusing her power and manipulating the system. She’s also brilliant at getting the crowd to hate her. The Edge/Vickie team up was one of the many things I enjoyed about this feud. Taker is vastly unimpressed with Edge, while Edge is looking even more murderous than usual. I love this contrast: Edge’s energy vs. Undertaker’s seeming lack of motion.

Things start off, as they often do, with a stare down. Oooh, Taker is looking mean. I wouldn’t want to be Edge.

Hey, I just realized, Smackdown has the main event this year! Hurray for the blue brand!

I don’t really have much to say about this match. It’s just GOOD. The back and forth is pretty even. They take turns having the upper hand. It’s made clear that the only reason Edge is here and has a chance is because of his cheating and sneaky attacks on the Undertaker, as well as aiding Taker’s other enemies. When Edge counters the Chokeslam and other moves, it’s clear that he’s acting purely on instinct. He’s not better than Taker, he’s just really good at getting out of tight spaces. I like that he’s not afraid of the Undertaker, though. He really believes he can take the Phenom down, preferably in the most underhanded way possible.

After two previous tries, Taker finally goes Old School on Edge, but then Edge takes out the ref. He also foolishly takes time to taunt Taker. Silly Edge. This is not going to end well for you. He also swipes a camera to use while the ref is still out (this is a callback to what happened at Survivor Series earlier in the year). Even so, Taker still gets back up. Just as Taker finally gets a Tombstone and a pin, another heroic ref runs in, but Edge manages to kick out! And then come the Edgeheads, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins, Edge’s minions. Taker deals with them and then eats a Spear, but still kicks out. Edge, I told you this would not end well! Another Spear! OH NO IT’S TAKER’S INSTANT DEATH SUBMISSION MOVE! I CAN ONLY TYPE IN CAPS! EDGE TAPS! UNDERTAKER WINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

Here’s what I love about Taker’s match comebacks: They aren’t really Miraculous. He always lets us know that each win is killing him a little more. He has to fight his damndest to win, and, really, if he wasn’t the Phenom he would be toast. He always makes his opponents look good this way.

And that’s the way I like to end WrestleMania, with the Undertaker posing in the ring. Oooh, fireworks. Those are nice too.

I would just like to note that in the WrestleMania wrap-up montage, the women’s match does not get a spotlight. At all. That is despicable, to be perfectly honest.

Well, that was a pretty good WrestleMania. Definitely solid. Nothing made me go, “OMG that was the greatest match ever!!!!” But it was fun. I vastly enjoyed Money in the Bank (as always), as well as Finlay/JBL, and Undertaker/Edge. Everything else was perfectly fine, other than the silliness of the women’s match. However, I am sad that there was not a tag match.

                                                                                                                                                           

WrestleMania 23 (2007)

Montage of WrestleManias past. You know, the usual. We’re returning to Detroit, where WrestleMania was held 20 years earlier. Thus, there is also a montage of WrestleMania 3. Vince announces that America the Beautiful will be sung by Aretha Franklin. Arethamania runs wild on every single note, but I don’t begrudge her some showboating. There’s an awesome montage of Superstars doing a “when we were young” bit, complete with old pictures and kids doing impressions of them. For the first time, ECW will be represented along with RAW and Smackdown this year. Hurray for the little third brand that could!

Most impressive opening pyro yet, if I do say so. We’ve got JR and King on commentary(natch), JBL is joining Cole this year, and Taz is representing ECW with Joey Styles.

We start off with the best of the best: Money in the Bank. You all remember how this works, and how much I anticipate these matches. We’ve got Jeff Hardy, making his triumphant return to WrestleMania after five years. Booker T is now King Booker after winning the King of the Ring tournament. Finlay’s back. He still loves to fight. CM Punk is making his WrestleMania debut. He’s also the first ECW wrestler to be featured in WrestleMania. I won’t call him my beloved CM Punk (as we have seen, that particular endearment belongs to another), but if it weren’t for Chris Jericho, Mr. Punk would reign supreme in my wrestling affections. Just so you know. We also have Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy. He announces himself, which would be silly if he wasn’t so badass. It’s his first WrestleMania, too. And Matt Hardy's back, of course. Always the contender, never the winner. He’s up against Jeff, so: family drama! Good Heavens, Randy Orton is muddying up my Money in the Bank. Impress me, Randy. I love everyone in this ring except you, despite my present day feelings about Matt and Jeff Hardy. What? Edge is here too?!? I...am so excited for this match. I will likely squee.

Everyone comes out swinging. Edge tries to be sneaky early on, as is his wont, but Matt stops him. There’s a good pace set up from the beginning, with so much going on that I don’t know where to look! No Shelton Benjamin, which is disappointing, but I suspect I won’t mind too much. Attention is paid to the potential matchups of Matt and Edge, Matt and Jeff, and Edge and Orton (they used to be tag partners), but the attention paid to their histories isn’t too distracting. Matt and Jeff end up battling atop a ladder, but Finlay puts a stop to that nonsense. He’s not going to win, but man it’s fun to watch him brawl. Edge goes on a spear spree until he is stopped by Punk. Matt tries to get Jeff to work with him against Edge instead of going for the briefcase and after some indecision (which would work if Jeff could act) Jeff obliges his brother in his usual extreme fashion and he actually does some damage, as the “X” is signalled. To quote JBL, “Damn that Jeff Hardy! Damn him!”

 Everything pauses while Jeff and Edge are looked after, but then picks up again. Orton takes centre stage for a bit, then he and Punk battle atop a pair of ladders. Then it’s Orton and Booker. Then Booker and poor Matt, but Queen Sharmell is there to help her man. Matt still comes out on top, and it looks like he just...might...win. You guys, he totally won’t. Finlay is bleeding from the head and it looks nasty, though he’s grinning like a mad Irishman. Oh Christ, it’s Hornswoggle. The leprechaun. Sigh. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Finlay, no! Stay hardcore, don’t embrace this cartoon! Mr. Kennedy deals with the leprechaun and I’m sorry, but it’s always funny when people throw Hornswoggle around. Finlay’s still going for it, but here comes CM Punk! He breaks a ladder with a drop kick! Mr. Kennedy won’t let him have the briefcase without a fight. And Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy wins!

Aah, that was most satisfying. Great match, all! Great pace, great stories, great ending. There was tension, there was fightin,’there was everything I love. Well done, young guys! (and Finlay).

Todd Grisham interviews the new Mr. Money in the Bank backstage. Kennedy is so awesome at being an asshole.

And now we’re going to learn about Dave Batista. Look, Batista had a rough childhood and he worked hard...but I don’t like him, I just don’t.

Speaking of uninteresting, it’s the Great Khali representing RAW in an interbrand match. The Great Khali is big. That’s all you need to know. Kane is representing Smackdown. There’s no one else I’d rather have in my corner, though I’d like to see Kane get better matches. Kane is going to carry the hell out of this match. All Khali can really do is shove and throw, which Kane sells like the pro he is. The crowd is on Team Kane. The match is slow, because Khali is slow. Unfortunate. You can feel the crowd slipping away. After doing his damndest to make this match interesting, Kane has to lose to Khali. Poor Kane. We all know who the real winner was here.

Diva montage! The women...are being celebrated? What...what is this happy place?

Good heavens, Eugene is hanging out with Cryme Tyme. And the Extreme Expose. The less said the better. Much better. Ugh. However, a dance party breaks out with many legends of times past. I can’t fault that. Okay, that was kind of cool.

It’s MVP! This is his first WrestleMania and he comes with cheerleaders and a rather impressive entrance. He’s a bad guy here, but I like him. He’s competing for the US championship, held by Chris Benoit. It’s interesting hearing JBL talking about Benoit, since they just fought last year. I like the dynamic these two have going. MVP is cocky and swaggering, trash talking and trying to be flashy. Benoit is calm, but it’s the controlled calm of a veteran. He’s looking to take this young guy to school. They both have one thing on their mind—winning—but their contrasting attitudes are fun to watch. JBL comments that Benoit is sure to go into the Hall of Fame one day and I cringe. 

MVP tries to get technical with Benoit and beat him at his own game, but you can’t beat the tenacity of the Wolverine. MVP unfortunately unleashes his special move—Ballin'—which I have always hated.

  As it looks like Benoit is really struggling against this young upstart he gets back into things, reminding us of why he’s great. The crowd is ecstatic to see him claw back, like we all knew he could. And Benoit wins.

That was a good match. I liked that Benoit let MVP have the upper hand and show off for awhile. He didn’t have a Miraculous Comeback—he made sure we knew that he had to work to beat the young guy. He didn’t win by awesomeness alone. This is part of why he was so great. JBL sings his praises. Yeah, that's hard to watch.

Donald Trump is backstage, being Trump-like. And the Boogeyman is here too. Blech. This would be funnier if I cared about either of them.

Hall of Fame.  Inducted this year are the Wild Samoans, the Sheik, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect (Curt Hennig), Jerry Lawler, and Dusty Rhodes. The Fink introduces us to the new class of 2007. Curt Hennig is represented by his family and the Sheik is represented by his wife.

It seems that dramatic events took place, as they often seem to, at the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker won and chose to face Batista at WrestleMania for the World Heavyweight belt, and thus began a back and forth that took place on Smackdown running up to WrestleMania. Maybe it’s because I know how this is going to go, maybe it’s because I just don’t like Batista, but I’m having a hard time getting psyched for this match, epic montages notwithstanding.

Smackdown GM (and former ref) Theodore Long announces the match. The crowd is excited to see Batista, even if I’m not. Well done, Detroit. You beat Chicago in spades. I’m also impressed at how much credence is being given to this SmackDown match, as compared to last year. Taker out-entrances Batista, as expected. Druids chanting with fire and darkness and bells tolling and fog and epic and whatnot. You know, the usual. Taker takes his time getting to the ring, just because he can. If Batista could act, he’d be looking a bit like his resolve was wavering. Mostly he looks confused. I don’t know where Taker keeps the Druids when he’s not using them either, Dave.

Batista takes charge early. The crowd is divided. Can I say how much I’m enjoying JBL and Cole on commentary together? Because I am. Taker gets his own back, as he does. You’d think I’d get tired of that, but I never do. That’s how awesome he is. You know what? I’m going to give Batista some props. All he has to do is react to getting beat up, and he does it well. He also looks appropriately desperate and at the end of his rope when he tries to get his own back. His moves still aren’t interesting, but I’m giving him some credit. He also puts Taker through a table, which is no mean feat. I can’t tell if it’s the Spanish or the ECW table, but either way that sort of thing is just uncalled for! Ooh, the crowd is not happy when it looks like Batista might win. Luckily, Taker gets a Chokeslam in...but Batista kicks out! Check it out: Tension in a Batista match! Granted, a great deal of it is due to the Undertaker, but I have to say that Batista is mostly doing a good job of holding his own. A Tombstone ends things and gives Taker the belt. 15-0, bitches. Good match, Smackdown!

Backstage with Vince and Steph. Hi, Steph!

Poor Taz and Joey Styles haven’t had their table replaced.  They finally get to do commentary though, for an 8 man tag match featuring the ECW roster. Some info on ECW, the WWE's "third brand:" ECW was first founded as a wrestling promotion in 1992 and closed in 2001. The WWE then bought ECW and in 2006 made it into another "brand," like SmackDown, but it never ranked in importance with Raw or Smackdown. It was still an enjoyable little show, though. ECW's legacy is extreme or hardcore matches, still fondly remembered by its fans. The actual value of said matches is still up for debate...

Anyway, our first team is called the ECW Originals—Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam. They’re being billed as men of the people, toiling through the small town equivalent that is ECW. They are fighting against the New Breed—Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke. Young vs Old, that kind of thing. Sabu has very shiny pants. RVD’s the only one who has been at WrestleMania before. I like this. The young guys are flashy, but everyone clearly knows what they’re doing. It’s really a great way to showcase ECW, both what it has been and what it could be. It’s a great tag match too—the New Breed tag a lot, making quick changes, keeping things exciting. Taz is in his element, crowing about how awesome it is that ECW is here at WrestleMania. RVD is...RVD, which is to say, he is awesome and I could watch him flip about for hours. Things turn into a bit of a brawl, which is extreme and therefore totally appropriate. RVD pins Striker for his team. That match was too short by far, but that’s life when you’re in an ECW match in a WWE PPV. Still, good stuff, guys! Very extreme.

Ehhh. Battle of the Billionaires between Mr. McMahon and Donald Trump. The loser also loses his hair. Each billionaire will be represented by an actual wrestler, Vince by Umaga, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion, and Trump by Bobby Lashley, who also happens to be ECW Champion. Stone Cold will be refereeing. Ehh. I like Umaga and I love Stone Cold, but you all know how I feel about these types of matches. Just...no. I would rather have seen Umaga and Lashley (though I don’t care about him) have title defense matches.

Mr. McMahon, Trump, Umaga, and Lashley all enter separately and each entrance takes FOREVER. I just want this to be over. Umaga and Lashley start off with a stare down. They’re both big, intimidating guys, particularly Umaga. Lashley is more entertaining than he was in Money in the Bank last year. Umaga and Stone Cold have a stare down, and then the Rattlesnake gets more directly involved. Umaga has to be careful and not disrespect the ref. This really isn’t a bad match. I like it when big guys do more than just lumber around (oh hai, KHALI). Stone Cold refuses to do a double count out. Then Shane comes to assist his dad...for some reason. The pace to this match is way off. It should be faster, but there’s a weird dynamic to it that I’m not understanding.

Umaga accidentally takes out Stone Cold and Shane gets involved, taking it to Lashley along with Umaga. Shane gets in his one awesome move. Oh, and Shane’s got ref stripes on under his shirt (that’s all you need to be an official ref, apparently). Stone Cold gets up just in time to prevent Shane stealing one for his Dad. Umaga...takes him out again. Ok, this can be over now. Donald takes it to Vince, Stone Cold Stuns Umaga, and Lashley picks up the win. Wow, was Lashley ever lucky. Surely Vince won’t consent to losing his hair? That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person! Austin tries to bring him to justice, Shane interferes, Austin does what he does, Vince tries to sneak away. Lashley decides to be useful and chases Vince down, depositing him in the ring. Stone Cold Stuns him, they get him in the barber’s chair and the clippers come out. How shocking! How totally worth all the time being wasted here! Ok, enough. This great WrestleMania has been stalled long enough. After being totally chill and drinking beer while Mr McMahon’s head was shaved, Stone Cold Stuns Trump. Because he can and that’s why we love him.

Apparently before things got serious tonight there was a lumberjack match between Chavo and Carlito, which Carlito won. Boy, I would have liked to see that instead of that Billionaire Bullshit.

Lumber “jill” match—clever, that—for the Women’s Championship. Most of the women are wearing ridiculous attire when they will be expected to get physical at some point. Sigh. Our first competitor is Ashley. Ah, yes, Ashley. Winner of the Diva Search. Ashley works this whole poseur punk, bad girl angle that I have always found irritating in both men and women. She’s edgy! Really! I mean, she’s got dark streaks in her blond hair! She's wearing a ball cap backwards! How anti-establishment! The champion going in is Melina, whose character is a paparazzi conscious celebrity. Melina is fun to watch, and I like her a lot. I wish she was up against someone else. Anyone else. Ashley is wearing a stupid leather corset/skirt combo and it’s dumb. I just… I miss Lita.

This, children, is where the women’s division, after coming so far, will start to fall again. For starters, the women are now known officially as Divas. Granted, the men are now known as Superstars, which is equally silly, but the men have never been in danger of being the designated bits of fluff. Title matches will now be contested by the less talented members of the roster just as much as the women who can actually wrestle. The legitimate talent, after clawing its way to good WrestleMania matches and compelling storylines, is few and far between as the company starts hiring models and any number of pretty faces through the Diva Search, but not many actual wrestlers. This is just baffling. I can’t believe we went from Trish and Mickie’s awesome match with its awesome build-up to this ridiculous fanservice. This isn’t even a match. It’s “Look at all the Divas! Pretty, pretty Divas!”

Melina wins after a largely uninteresting match that the crowd could not have cared less about. For once, I can’t fault them. Melina was good, but there’s only so much you can do when style is prized so much more over substance. All the Divas then get in on the action in the ring, short skirts and all. So. Very. Progressive.

Everyone went for a snack during the women’s match and now it’s main event time: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena. Cena goes in with the title, of course. Michaels hasn’t held the title for nine years and he’s come to face Cena after defeating Randy Orton and Edge. There is some very slow music playing over a montage of the two men. It is extremely jarring. I feel like I’m in a spa. A relaxing, WrestleMania spa. It gets more epic, but that doesn’t really help. Man, this build up is taking forever. It’s John Cena and Shawn Michaels. I know it’s going to be huge.

Shawn enters to the DX theme, for some reason. He’s not even wearing DX colours, so...what? He’s actually World Tag Team Champion with John Cena right now...but that’s not DX. So...what? And yes, the Tag Champions are, in fact, also fighting each other for the WWE title. I’ve used up all my ranting on the women’s match, I forgot to lament the equal decline of the tag division. Neither of them even have their tag belts with them!

Cena speeds in car to get to WrestleMania. It’s pretty impressive and really the only way to top HBK’s usual bedazzled stroll down the entrance ramp. The crowd isn’t much impressed, sadly. There’s even a “Die Cena” sign. Oh, calm down. I have never understood extreme Cena haters. He’s fun, he’s likable, and he puts on a good show. Admittedly, his constant winning gets irritating, but, come on. He’s our hero. He has to win.

Despite what the crowd would have you believe, Cena is doing a very good job here, though he’s mostly suffering an HBK assault. He’s intense, he’s struggling, and he looks like he’s being hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate a Miraculous Comeback, but still. Shawn, meanwhile, is looking like a big jerk, utterly relentless. It’s a side we don’t often see of the fun loving, wise cracking, flashy HBK, and I love it.

As expected, John starts to get his own back, and it takes the wind out of Shawn’s sails. Suddenly he’s bloody and hurt. And suddenly John has forgotten that he’s been limping. Oh, John. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is executed to a chorus of boos. CHILL OUT, DETROIT.

HBK accidentally super kicks the ref when Cena ducks. Whoops. Guess who that was? Yup, Mike Chioda, probably the most abused ref in WrestleMania history.

Shawn’s face is all bloody and boy is he mad. He piledrives Cena onto the ring steps. Detroit has a field day, but I mostly wince. Another ref FINALLY runs in, like, way to pay attention, refs! There are several near pins, and each man clearly has no idea how they can pull this off, becoming more desperate. They each amount what should be devastating attacks, but to no avail. I like that after each attempt they have to take some time to recover, making it clear that all their energy is being expended.

Cena eventually wins after Shawn taps out. That was a tad unsatisfying. Shawn took control so early and tended to dominate the match after that. As I’ve said, Cena did an excellent job selling how hurt he was while still appearing as a legitimate opponent, but then he would mount a Miraculous Comeback that he really shouldn’t have been able to do considering how much punishment he had taken. It was more believable later on in the match when they were both clearly exhausted. Cena should have gotten more hits earlier. The furious flurry of counters that occurred later in the match should have been the norm from the beginning. I just didn’t buy that Shawn was done for enough to tap out.

Cena tries to catch up and reconcile with Shawn after the match, because he is a good guy (shut up, Detroit, you know it’s true!), but HBK is having none of it.

The end! That was a really good WrestleMania, with only a small amount of sour notes. Yay!   

Short Highlights:

Long Highlights:

WrestleMania 22 (2006)

We’re in Chicago this year. Michelle Williams, of Destiny’s Child fame, sings America the Beautiful. She looks thrilled to be here. Cue montage of patriotic shenanigans, followed by a montage of WrestleManias past. That’s the kind of montage I like. There are cool bits showing guys like Triple H and the Undertaker in the past compared to how they look now. Montage of…Chicago? Don’t push it with the montages. Montage of matches to come. AAARGH!

Are we going to start now? Promise? Well, if you insist. Tell me about it, JR! Lawler, Taz, and Cole are here too, of course.

We start off with a tag contest for the World Tag Championship. Carlito spits in the face of those who don’t want to be cool and is tagging with Chris Masters, “The Masterpiece,” possessor of the Master Lock.

Admission time: I don’t like Chris Masters. Not here, not in the present. I do not find him interesting. And his apparel is ugly. Big Show and Kane are tagging together and currently hold the belts. That is one formidable team. I am excited for this match just to see the two of them toss Carlito and Masters around. JR points out that this is the first time that this belt has been contested in a traditional two on two format at WrestleMania. I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks, JR!

As expected, Big Show just kind of steamrolls over Carlito and Masters. Kane follows suit. I never tire of watching Kane tossing people and hitting them. It is awesome. Masters gets the Master Lock in (heavens!), but Show breaks it up. After a choke slam to Carlito, Kane picks up the win for his team. The young guys didn’t come off as overly bright, but I can’t be bothered to care. Kane and Big Show head off to keep on kicking ass and taking names. As they should.

Carlito and Masters then have a tiff in the ring. Move on, boys. No one cares.

Coach is backstage to interview Shawn Michaels. HBK will be facing Mr. McMahon in a No Holds Barred match later on. He gives a very intense promo of what Mr. McMahon can expect later.

Money in the Bank! Hurrah! Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin (also the Intercontinental Champion), Finlay, Rob Van Dam, Bobby Lashley, and Ric Flair are participating. God only knows why Flair is here. I do not want to see this old man fall off a ladder. And Lashley…sigh. Still, with Matt, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay and RVD, there are bound to be some good bits in this match.

Yup. I thank God every day for RVD and Shelton Benjamin, just for matches like this. I can’t even explain what they are doing.

 Oh my God, Matt Hardy just killed Ric Flair! Wait, no, he’s just hurt. Holy hell, he’s REALLY hurt, the ref just made the special “X” sign they do when real injuries occur. Well, thanks for coming out, Flair.

And…Flair is staggering back in. Don’t do it, Ric! He slugs Finlay and then takes a stab at climbing the ladder. Matt ruins things for him AGAIN, but Flair takes out him and Benjamin. Finlay makes quick work of him with his trusty shillelagh, though. Then Benjamin takes out Finlay, then Lashley takes out both of them (using a ladder to knock over the ladder. Clever, that.). Then RVD is awesome.

Matt climbs again. He and Finlay go down together. With the crowd chanting “ECW,” RVD has a go. Shelton Benjamin leaps in OUT OF NOWHERE! He and Matt slug it out before falling, and RVD wins. Hurray for him!

That…wasn’t the best match. Flair shouldn’t have been there and Lashley is boring. Everyone mostly took turns lying around while two men did something. Then there was the endless sequence of one person climbing only to be taken out and so on and so on. Thank heaven for Shelton Benjamin and RVD.

Josh Matthews is backstage, sporting a truly awful hair cut. He interviews Gene Okerlund, who is rudely interrupted by Randy Orton, who still hasn’t mastered delivering long stretches of dialogue. He is interrupted by Batista. Oh, joy. Orton and Batista face to face. How…interesting. And by interesting I mean boring. There is much glaring and clenching of jaws. Riveting!

Hall of Fame time! Bret Hart has been inducted, but isn’t here. This year’s class also includes Mean Gene, Sensational Sherri, Tony Atlas, Verne Gagne, William Perry (the Refrigerator), the Black Jacks, Eddie Guerrero (represented by his wife, Vickie, and nephew, Chavo). Yeah, this is where I start crying. All of the other new Hall of Famers come over and hug Vickie. Aww, Taz was totally crying too.

Back to fightin’. Chris Benoit is defending the United States Championship against JBL, the dastardly wrestling god. Benoit is still being announced from Atlanta, sigh. He is, of course, not just representing himself, but also Eddie, whom he inducted into the Hall of Fame. This is a pretty emotionally charged match, and it should be a good one. Both of these guys are very physical.

JBL is straight up evil, mockingly imitating Eddie’s signature gestures and moves. It’s up to Benoit to defend himself and his dead friend. As I predicted, this match gets very physical, very fast. There are flying fists, feet, and bodies from the get-go. Neither of these men is too flashy in style, but they still know how to put on a compelling match. Benoit also uses a couple of Eddie’s moves, in tribute, of course. I just love what a bastard JBL is. At one point he uses Jillian, his secretary/whatever, as a shield, at another time he latches on to the ref. And then he cheats to win. I really don’t think he could have done anything to make us hate him more.

Edge is taking on Mick Foley in a hardcore match. Mick has promised to show up in his former crazy, hardcore form. Edge is apprehensive, but determined. He is also accompanied by Lita, who famously betrayed Matt Hardy to be with him. I don’t want to delve into that whole nightmare, but I do want to point out how shitty the whole deal was for Lita.

After the fiasco came to light, Lita was labeled a whore and a whore she stayed, right to the end of her career. Matt got to play the victim and Edge worked the whole thing into his sleazy rock star persona. Neither of their careers were really affected by it. I mean, Matt was let go, but he came back. Lita could not be separated from the fact that she cheated on Matt Hardy. People were horrible to her, though you wouldn’t know it nowadays. Nope, now everyone only remembers that she was one of the greatest female wrestlers the WWE has ever seen. Make no mistake: no one was interested in Lita’s talent in the ring at this time. She was called every disgusting name one can apply to a woman, and it was wrong. Edge was a rock star, Matt was a victim, Lita was a whore. For shame, WWE and fans.

Back to the match. Edge, that jerk, is still announced as being from Toronto. I think he and Lita made an excellent bad-guy team, my other opinions notwithstanding. The crowd is excited to see Mick in action again, and he goes right to work on Edge, but Edge is more than equal to beating up on the loveable old guy. Edge goes for the spear, but what’s this? Foley has wrapped barbed wire around his body underneath his flannel! Oh yes, Foley is good.

Lita gets involved and the fight is taken outside the ring. Edge douses Foley in lighter fluid, of all things, leaving us to contemplate how badly this is going to turn out for poor Mick. It takes a long time for those actions to come to fruition, which I love. Never underestimate the value of keeping the audience in suspense. There is more bashing and painful use of barbed wire. I am not someone who enjoys watching wrestlers bleed, especially not two of my favorites. Hardcore matches generally just make me uncomfortable. The classic thumbtacks are broken out, with Edge landing on his back amongst them. Ouch. Mick wraps wire around Mr. Socko, resulting in bloody mandible claws for Edge and Lita. Gasp! A woman was made to bleed! Oh wait, I forgot, Lita is a whore, not a person, so there’s really no horrified outcry. Sigh.

And then the lighter fluid is back. Mick pours it all out on a table outside the ring, but it’s Lita who sets the table on fire and Edge spears Mick through the ropes and onto the table. The flames are extinguished almost immediately, but…oh, my. Edge wins. I…wow. Mick and Edge are both awash in blood. Edge is shaking and staggering, and I doubt that’s an act. Mick gets a Foley chant and a standing ovation. We love you so much, Mick. He gives absolutely everything in his matches.

Backstage, Booker T and Sharmell are freaking out because the Boogeyman is after them. Yes, you read that right. No, I don’t think this is the best use of Booker T’s talents. Yes, the Boogeyman was a silly idea. No, I’m not going to talk about this match. I don’t dig it, sucka.

The Women’s Championship is held by Trish, and she will be fighting newcomer Mickie James. In the kind of well developed and intricate storyline that the women can only dream about these days, Mickie came in as Trish’s fan. Trish’s biggest fan. She gradually became creepier and more obsessive, flipping out when Trish told her to simmer down. Mickie really goes all out with her psycho persona, which apparently involves impractical ring gear—a pink flared skirt with some sort of weird fur belt thing. Interestingly, though Trish is a good guy, she is still announced as being from Toronto. JR sings Trish’s praises. Hurray for Trish!

Mickie’s a really good wrestler, but I think she’s hampered by her ring gear. I really want to know who told her to wear this. So very unwise. She always seems occupied with making sure her all her bits are covered and I don’t blame her. Still, this is a good match. It’s a shame the crowd seems to favor nutjobs over blond Canadians. Chicago, seriously, what the hell? Stop booing Trish, you jerks!
Mickie picks up the win, after the kind of match I would kill for the women to have nowadays, near wardrobe malfunctions notwithstanding. That was good—emotional, interesting, and given the time it deserved. If only the stupid crowd had cooperated.

The McMahon family is backstage, Vince looking like an orange, muscled fossil.

Casket match featuring the Undertaker (who else?) and Mark Henry. Mark Henry seems like a lovely person, but he’s another one of those guys who is just…big. He’s not interesting, either on the mic or in the ring. Despite the fact that he is taking on the Phenom, I’m just not invested in this match. I think someone just realized that the Undertaker had nothing to do this year and tossed in this match. Chicago continues to care about the stupidest things. They start up a “Henry sucks,” chant. It’s sweet of you to care about this match, Chicago, but of all the people who could be said to “suck” tonight, you pick the guy with no personality? Mark Henry apparently forgets that there are no count-outs in a Casket Match when he covers Taker. You have to put him in the casket, Mark! Pay attention! Taker still gets in some cool moves, because he’s just awesome that way. He Tombstones Mark Henry, for heaven’s sake! And then he wins. Probably the least significant win in his undefeated streak, but whatever.

Prior to this WrestleMania, Mr. McMahon instituted a ritual involving his employees kissing his ass. Literally. Yeah, let’s move on. Shawn Michaels was the only man to stand up to him, resulting in Mr. McMahon taking revenge, including having Shane recreate the infamous screw-job involving Bret Hart. Always classy, Vince. Anyway, it’s all led up to this No Holds Barred match at WrestleMania. As I’ve said before, I prefer when a McMahon isn’t directly involved in a match. It seems so self-indulgent to me. It’s not like Vince can actually wrestle; this is just going to be another bloodbath.

JR is intensely vocal during this match, having been forced to join the Kiss My Ass club himself. He is more intensely wrathful than I have ever heard him, actually. I have to wonder if he didn’t use this opportunity handed to him by the storyline to vent years of frustration.

The Spirit Squad comes to Mr. McMahon’s aid. They ares so very ridiculous, I can't even...

The only thing saving this match is that Shawn Michaels knows how to work with what he’s given. This should be a serious storyline—the lone employee taking on the autocratic boss—but it comes off as cartoonish and silly. Shane gets in on the act and things just generally go downhill. There ensues much hitting of Vince with foreign objects. Ho hum. Shane, handcuffed outside the ring, is left to ineffectually shout at HBK. Shawn does everything he can think of to make this match good, leaping from the top rope, leaping off tall ladders, etc. And then he wins. Well, that was…disappointing. What a waste of Shawn Michaels.

Triple threat match for the world heavyweight belt. In the lead-up to this match, Kurt Angle won the belt and then Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble, giving him a match against the person of his choosing at WrestleMania. Then Randy Orton said mean things about Eddie, leading Rey to put his match opportunity on the line. Randy cheated and won, meaning that he would face Angle, but Teddy Long put Rey back in the running. Poor Kurt really doesn’t have much at stake other than his belt, but whatever. The three of them get a pretty sweet montage before the match.

P.O.D performs Rey’s theme, and it sounds pretty good. I miss when Rey popped out onto the entrance ramp like he was coming out of a toaster. That was cool. This year Rey is sporting an elaborate Aztec inspired ensemble, replete with a bright, feathery bird head dress. I like this version of Randy Orton. He’s cocky and kind of cool. He also pulls off a nifty drop kick when Rey is in midair. Kurt Angle, not to be outdone, suplexes Orton and Rey AT THE SAME TIME. I know I can expect awesomeness from Angle and Rey, if Orton can keep up with them this will possibly be the match of the night.

Okay, Chicago is booing Rey Mysterio. Chicago, what is wrong with you? Nobody hates Rey! He is adorable!

Rey wins, after a weirdly short match. It felt like things were just getting started and then it was over. I am grievously disappointed. When you have two guys capable of having long, good matches, why would you cut them short like that? Aside from the fact that this was a Smackdown match and the WWE insists on treating it as the B show. Good for Rey, I guess. At least Orton held his own, for the most part, though he spent a lot of time recuperating outside the ring. That was Angle’s last WrestleMania, too. I hate that he goes out like this. For shame, WWE.

Aww, Chavo and Vickie come out to congratulate Rey. That’s nice.

John Cena and Triple H are in the main event, with Cena defending the WWE title. Cena’s trying to work an underdog angle, but it really doesn’t work. Ah, this is the famous dueling entrances bit. Triple H rises from underneath the ramp in an enormous throne, looking like a fearsome barbaric king. I absolutely believe that he’s just passing through before pillaging another village. It looks like he just walked in from some barbaric swamp. He is an intimidating man. Cena comes in as a Depression era gangster. There’s a little vignette glorifying gangsters as being of the people, which, whatever, WWE. It looks cool. As I expected, Chicago is not a fan of Mr. Cena. Chicago, you are ruining WrestleMania, I hope you realize that.

After the disappointment of the Heavyweight match, I am more than a little disgruntled at this marquee event. Smackdown got none of this pomp. Sometimes I hate you, WWE.

There’s a lot of staring and circling. I am not compelled, gentlemen, and certainly not convinced this should be the main event. Mostly Cena reacts to taking a beating at the hands of Triple H. Whenever he gets some of his own back we are treated to the dulcet tones of Chicago chanting “Cena sucks.” Chicago…shut up, just shut up.

Both men are trying to make me believe that they’re having the match of a lifetime, but I’m not buying it. Look, I like John Cena, but he is not the greatest wrestler. Still, I usually find him entertaining enough to make up for it. And Triple H is more than capable of making his opponent look good. But it’s not happening here. I don’t know why.

The match ends when Triple H taps to the FU, Cena’s cleverly named submission move. That had absolutely none of the impact as when he tapped to Benoit two years before. That was not good, boys. Not good at all.

What a disappointing WrestleMania. The women had a stellar match, and JBL and Benoit had a good match. Foley and Edge probably had the match of the night, and that wasn’t even for a title. Other than that…meh. There was also the matter of the absences of my beloved Chris Jericho as well as Christian. Sad times. Not a fan of this one. Not at all. The crowd certainly didn’t help. Let’s do better next year, shall we?

WrestleMania 21 (2005)

This year we open on a patriotic note with Lillian Garcia singing “America the Beautiful.” As expected, there are many pictures of the armed forces. A reiteration: I AM CANADIAN! Stop hitting me over the head with your military efforts. For a company that prides itself on having global appeal, they’re not very sensitive about this sort of thing. Yup, and there’s the obligatory “USA!” chant. That’s not at all obnoxious.

WrestleMania is in Hollywood this year, giving the Superstars the perfect opportunity to recreate several famous movie scenes. They are all awesome. I love it when the talent goof around; a lot of these guys are genuinely funny. We’ve got Eugene and William Regal doing Forrest Gump, Booker T and Eddie Guerrero doing Pulp Fiction, pretty much everyone doing Taxi Driver, Kurt Angle and Christy Hemme (with a cameo from Linda McMahon) in When Harry Met Sally, John Cena and JBL (with a cameo from Coach) in A Few Good Men, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Christian, Stacy Keibler, Mae Young, and the Fabulous Moolah in Basic Instinct, Triple H and Ric Flair doing Braveheart, The Undertaker in Dirty Harry, and Stone Cold in Gladiator.

JR and Jerry Lawler greet us and pass us over to the Spanish announcers, who, in turn, give us Michael Cole and Tazz. The gang’s all here!

Eddie Guererro enters the arena in a car. In a twist that only happens in wrestling, Eddie will be fighting his own tag team partner. (It’s worth pointing out that Eddie went from a huge match against Angle last year to opening this year.) The partner in question is Rey Mysterio, sporting a nifty outfit combining the American and Mexican flags. Eddie and Rey, of course, have been BFFs as well as tag partners, lending some depth to this match.

There are some fine displays of flipping about from Rey, and Eddie’s no slouch either. He’s bigger than Rey (who isn’t?), but he’s still quick on his feet. It’s a good match, especially considering it’s an opener. There are several close calls, but you just can’t beat the sheer pluck of Rey Mysterio. He wins, but shakes Eddie’s hand afterward in a show of good sportsmanship. Awww. This is, incidentally, Eddie’s last WrestleMania match. He’ll be dead in about seven months.

It’s the first ever Money in the Bank match, my very favourite type of stipulation match. I have never seen this inaugural match, and I’m super excited to do so. It’s a ladder match with a purpose. Dangling from the ceiling is a briefcase containing a contract guaranteeing the winner a title match, anytime, anywhere. Awesome.

Canada is well represented: my beloved Chris Jericho is here (sporting short hair and *sigh* facial hair, though it’s less silly than before), as well as Chris Benoit, Christian, and Edge. Oooh, and there’s Shelton Benjamin, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion. And Kane, whose entrance apparently causes ladders to burst into flame. This is going to be the best match ever!

The match starts before Kane makes it to the ring. Shelton Benjamin doesn’t waste any time flinging himself about and generally defying gravity. Kane prefers to make an art out of injuring people with ladders. Edge and Christian, of course, are old hats at ladder matches, and they team up briefly. As expected, at one point everyone but Kane ends up battling atop a couple of ladders before crashing spectacularly. Because he is a super hero, Shelton Benjamin runs up a ladder leaning against another ladder and leaps at Jericho. Shelton, Jericho, Christian (unfairly aided, of course), Kane, and Benoit all have a go at snatching at the brief case. Benoit takes an ill-advised leap off a ladder to apply his signature move to Kane, which involves...landing on his head. That is cringe-worthy. He opens up the stitches above his eyes, and by far looks to be in the most pain of all the competitors. Edge, after being inactive for most of the match, comes out of nowhere and wins. He’s sneaky that way.

My expectations were super high for this match, so I am a little disappointed, but it was an excellent match. I feel like everyone had a set moment to do something, and it seemed more carefully structured than the work of chaotic art that was the ladder match of WM 16. Still, an impressive showing for all involved, with plenty of OMG! moments from Shelton Benjamin.

And here we have Eugene. Eugene is...well, he’s played as developmentally disabled while also being a savant when it comes to wrestling. I was fully prepared to be offended by the character. Some of the things Vince thinks are funny... However, the weird thing about the Eugene character is that his tenure wasn’t as horrific as many people thought it would be (firmly keeping in mind how the WWE usually deals with any sort of difference from its perceived norm). He was actually quite loveable in his innocence, and the crowd took him to their hearts. No one wants to laugh at Eugene, they definitely laugh with him, and they don’t want to see him hurt. Wrestling is surprising sometimes.

Anyway, here he has a confrontation with Hassan, an evil Arab character (it’s 2005. Evil Axis and all that). He and his friend shout at Eugene and try to hurt him. And who comes to the rescue? Why, a real American, of course! Yup, the Hulkster is here in all his macho glory. Isn’t America swell? Eugene seems to have disappeared as Hogan poses for the crowd. He’s fighting for the right of every man, don’t you know. Ok, enough. It’s been, like, five minutes. I GET IT!! Real Americans are heavily tanned with silly facial hair. Oh, for the love of...now he’s posing IN FRONT OF A GIANT AMERICAN FLAG.

Now that’s over, we can get back to actual wrestling. The Undertaker is fighting Randy Orton. Orton is playing the cocky young gun devoted to taking out his elders and betters—he calls himself the “Legend Killer.” I kind of liked this gimmick of Orton’s. He actually had a personality.
The Undertaker’s druids precede him to the ring, with the chanting and the torches and the fog and the spookiness. Does anyone produce an effect quite like the Undertaker? He is FLOATING to the ring! Just try to do something cooler!

 I love the entirely unfazed expression on Taker’s face as Orton struts to the ring. He may be the Deadman again, but he’s still badass.

Randy comes out of the gate trying to be all flashy and smooth. The Undertaker just knocks him down. Randy gets a few hits in, but come on, we all know how this will end. Orton does a surprisingly good acting job here; he clearly did not expect this to be such a challenge and he’s struggling to figure out how to beat the Undertaker. He tries everything, growing more desperate when things don’t go his way. He even morphs a chokeslam into an RKO. That was...kind of cool.

A Tombstone finishes off the Legend Killer, and the Undertaker is now 13-0. I wonder if he ever sits around and just ponders how awesome he is?

Now it’s the Women’s Title match, the first actual title match of the night. Trish Stratus holds the title, and she is being challenged by Christy Hemme. Christy has been under the tutelage of Lita. Trish and Lita have a great deal of history that isn’t dealt with here. It’s a shame because those two really defined the high point of women’s wrestling in this decade. Still, if Lita’s had a hand in Christy’s training, I have hopes for this match. Trish’s attire involves suspenders and trousers, which looks rather cool.

Trish has really developed her bad guy persona, taunting Christy and toying with her rather than treating her as a deserving foe. Christy tends to squeak when she is hit with a move. It is unintentionally hilarious. All Christy really does is kick, which Trish sells the heck out of, God bless her. It turns out the one thing Christy really took from Lita was how to do the Twist of Fate, which she hits once. Trish does her best to carry the match, but it’s clear that Christy really has nothing going. Disappointing. Trish wins without any real struggle.

Kurt Angle is fighting Shawn Michaels to prove that he is the greatest wrestler in the company. Shawn is out to prove why they call him “the Showstopper” and “Mr. WrestleMania.” This should be an excellent show. Shawn is wearing a ridiculous leather, chain, jewel coat thing that only the Heartbreak Kid could pull off. Things start with a stare down, but then Shawn slaps Angle and all hell breaks loose. Kurt is a furious flurry of grappling. Then Shawn makes the odd choice to hold Angle in a headlock for quite awhile. It’s not an exciting move and really stalls the match. Mind you, that’s what Kurt usually tries to do—slow his opponent’s momentum. Shawn is playing this match as Angle would, something that Kurt would not expect. Interesting strategy.

Eventually things pick up speed, and the match gets REALLY good. There is some excellent back and forth. They take the fight to Cole and Tazz’s table, which disappointingly does not break. What’s the point of flinging someone onto a table if it doesn’t split dramatically? The longest ten count ever ensues as both men struggle back into the ring. Kurt’s bleeding from the mouth, Shawn from the nose. They’re both digging in to their last stores of endurance. It seems that Shawn’s got this wrapped up, but his Superkick attempt is turned into an ankle lock by Angle. The crowd wills him to make it to the ropes. He does, but now Angle’s got the upper hand. They engage in a series of furious counters, and I can’t believe either has any strength left. Angle attempts a moonsault; Shawn rolls out of the way, but it’s still impressive to see a man Angle’s size flying through the air. After an agonizingly close count, Angle comes completely unhinged. He yells at Shawn, but takes too much time to do so, giving HBK the chance to knock him down. We all think this HAS to be it, but no. Kurt kicks out yet again. Neither man looks like he has anything left, but just as Shawn struggles to his feet Kurt puts him in the ankle lock again. There is a heroic struggle as Shawn tries to make it to the ropes. And he can’t do it. He taps.

That was a crazy intense match. Wow. The crowd stands and applauds. They even forget to tell Kurt that he sucks. That’s WrestleMania, kids. That kind of effort and heart is what it’s all about. This will be hard to top.

Rowdy Roddy Piper is here for a segment of “Piper’s Pit.” His guest is Stone Cold. Piper wants to meet the Rattlesnake face to face. They engage in a foul-mouthed confrontation. Both of these men know how to talk well. This is pointless but hilarious, so I won’t complain. They are interrupted by Carlito, the keeper of cool. Piper and Austin bond over beating up the young upstart and enjoy a cold beverage together. Then Austin Stuns Piper. That’s just how he rolls.

Bradshaw has fully morphed into his JBL character—a rich, evil Texan. Basically, he hates the fun that Cena has while wrestling. JBL, you see, is the “wrestling god,” and he thinks John is making a mockery of the company. Cena’s still rocking his rapper vernacular, sadly. He’s fighting JBL, not only for the sheer satisfaction of taking him down, but also for the WWE championship.

JBL rolls into the arena in a white limousine replete with a set of longhorns on the hood. He’s been champion for over eight months, which is pretty damn impressive in the world of wrestling. But then again, as Rory is wont to point out, JBL himself is pretty damn impressive. Cena is wearing a truly ridiculous bit of bling around his neck. It’s enormous and blinding and so very wrong.

JBL starts out strong and the crowd hates him. It takes talent to make oneself so thoroughly disliked. For the most part, this match is all JBL. However, John Cena is the larger, less aerodynamic version of Rey Mysterio—he possesses deep stores of pluck and heart that cannot be denied! After a Miraculous Comeback and Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cena wins the match and the title. We must get used to seeing Cena hoisting a belt aloft at WrestleMania.

Hall of Fame ceremony! Cowboy Bob Orton, Nikolai Volkoff, the Iron Sheik, Paul Orndorff, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, and Hulk Hogan make up the class of ’05. It’s rather nice to have a class whose members are all still alive and looking relatively healthy.

The main event this year involves current Heavyweight Champion Triple H against Batista. This storyline was actually rather interesting, starting when the group known as Evolution began to fall apart. Batista started to resent Triple H’s heavy handed use of Evolution and its members to serve his own goals. Batista watched Randy Orton suffer the consequences of trying to pursue his own goals. Then he had to negotiate his own issues with Hunter while maintaining his respect for Ric Flair, who is firmly in Triple H’s court. I love a good power struggle! This is the first and last time I will find a storyline involving Batista to be enthralling.

Triple H and Batista try to start things off with an “intense” staredown, which would work if Batista could act. The effort he puts into his facial expressions mostly just make him look like he’s in pain. Both of these guys are very big, very well built men. Unfortunately, only one of them is any good at wrestling. Triple H rather blatantly carries Batista (sometimes literally!) through this match. He even gets busted wide open to convince us that Batista is doing a lot of damage. Nice try, Hunter. I see you doing all the work. Flair interferes on Hunter’s behalf every time the ref’s back is turned. Eventually Batista takes revenge. That’s right, Dave Batista hits old men! He also hits his one move (the Batista Bomb) to win the match. Yaaaaaaay. (And I mean that in the least enthusiastic way possible.) Props to Triple H for being awesome (and Hunter Haters take note: this is the second WrestleMania in a row in which Triple went in with his title and left without it), but, man, I’m annoyed that this great storyline and subsequent main event spot went to Batista.

This was certainly a passable WrestleMania. There were few actual title matches, and no tag match at all. The women’s match wasn’t as good as it could have been, but at least there was no pure fluff match. The main event was unremarkable other than for the sheer effort of Triple H. A lot of young talent was pushed—Cena, Orton, Batista, Edge. I’m inclined to think that the Michaels/Angle match more than made up for my few disappointments, though. And, best of all, the Spanish announce table stayed intact for the entire show!