Most impressive opening pyro yet, if I do say so. We’ve got JR and King on commentary(natch), JBL is joining Cole this year, and Taz is representing ECW with Joey Styles.
We start off with the best of the best: Money in the Bank. You all remember how this works, and how much I anticipate these matches. We’ve got Jeff Hardy, making his triumphant return to WrestleMania after five years. Booker T is now King Booker after winning the King of the Ring tournament. Finlay’s back. He still loves to fight. CM Punk is making his WrestleMania debut. He’s also the first ECW wrestler to be featured in WrestleMania. I won’t call him my beloved CM Punk (as we have seen, that particular endearment belongs to another), but if it weren’t for Chris Jericho, Mr. Punk would reign supreme in my wrestling affections. Just so you know. We also have Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy. He announces himself, which would be silly if he wasn’t so badass. It’s his first WrestleMania, too. And Matt Hardy's back, of course. Always the contender, never the winner. He’s up against Jeff, so: family drama! Good Heavens, Randy Orton is muddying up my Money in the Bank. Impress me, Randy. I love everyone in this ring except you, despite my present day feelings about Matt and Jeff Hardy. What? Edge is here too?!? I...am so excited for this match. I will likely squee.
Everyone comes out swinging. Edge tries to be sneaky early on, as is his wont, but Matt stops him. There’s a good pace set up from the beginning, with so much going on that I don’t know where to look! No Shelton Benjamin, which is disappointing, but I suspect I won’t mind too much. Attention is paid to the potential matchups of Matt and Edge, Matt and Jeff, and Edge and Orton (they used to be tag partners), but the attention paid to their histories isn’t too distracting. Matt and Jeff end up battling atop a ladder, but Finlay puts a stop to that nonsense. He’s not going to win, but man it’s fun to watch him brawl. Edge goes on a spear spree until he is stopped by Punk. Matt tries to get Jeff to work with him against Edge instead of going for the briefcase and after some indecision (which would work if Jeff could act) Jeff obliges his brother in his usual extreme fashion and he actually does some damage, as the “X” is signalled. To quote JBL, “Damn that Jeff Hardy! Damn him!” Todd Grisham interviews the new Mr. Money in the Bank backstage. Kennedy is so awesome at being an asshole.
And now we’re going to learn about Dave Batista. Look, Batista had a rough childhood and he worked hard...but I don’t like him, I just don’t. Speaking of uninteresting, it’s the Great Khali representing RAW in an interbrand match. The Great Khali is big. That’s all you need to know. Kane is representing Smackdown. There’s no one else I’d rather have in my corner, though I’d like to see Kane get better matches. Kane is going to carry the hell out of this match. All Khali can really do is shove and throw, which Kane sells like the pro he is. The crowd is on Team Kane. The match is slow, because Khali is slow. Unfortunate. You can feel the crowd slipping away. After doing his damndest to make this match interesting, Kane has to lose to Khali. Poor Kane. We all know who the real winner was here.
Diva montage! The women...are being celebrated? What...what is this happy place?Good heavens, Eugene is hanging out with Cryme Tyme. And the Extreme Expose. The less said the better. Much better. Ugh. However, a dance party breaks out with many legends of times past. I can’t fault that. Okay, that was kind of cool.
As it looks like Benoit is really struggling against this young upstart he gets back into things, reminding us of why he’s great. The crowd is ecstatic to see him claw back, like we all knew he could. And Benoit wins.
That was a good match. I liked that Benoit let MVP have the upper hand and show off for awhile. He didn’t have a Miraculous Comeback—he made sure we knew that he had to work to beat the young guy. He didn’t win by awesomeness alone. This is part of why he was so great. JBL sings his praises. Yeah, that's hard to watch.
Donald Trump is backstage, being Trump-like. And the Boogeyman is here too. Blech. This would be funnier if I cared about either of them. Hall of Fame. Inducted this year are the Wild Samoans, the Sheik, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect (Curt Hennig), Jerry Lawler, and Dusty Rhodes. The Fink introduces us to the new class of 2007. Curt Hennig is represented by his family and the Sheik is represented by his wife.
It seems that dramatic events took place, as they often seem to, at the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker won and chose to face Batista at WrestleMania for the World Heavyweight belt, and thus began a back and forth that took place on Smackdown running up to WrestleMania. Maybe it’s because I know how this is going to go, maybe it’s because I just don’t like Batista, but I’m having a hard time getting psyched for this match, epic montages notwithstanding.
Smackdown GM (and former ref) Theodore Long announces the match. The crowd is excited to see Batista, even if I’m not. Well done, Detroit. You beat Chicago in spades. I’m also impressed at how much credence is being given to this SmackDown match, as compared to last year. Taker out-entrances Batista, as expected. Druids chanting with fire and darkness and bells tolling and fog and epic and whatnot. You know, the usual. Taker takes his time getting to the ring, just because he can. If Batista could act, he’d be looking a bit like his resolve was wavering. Mostly he looks confused. I don’t know where Taker keeps the Druids when he’s not using them either, Dave.
Batista takes charge early. The crowd is divided. Can I say how much I’m enjoying JBL and Cole on commentary together? Because I am. Taker gets his own back, as he does. You’d think I’d get tired of that, but I never do. That’s how awesome he is. You know what? I’m going to give Batista some props. All he has to do is react to getting beat up, and he does it well. He also looks appropriately desperate and at the end of his rope when he tries to get his own back. His moves still aren’t interesting, but I’m giving him some credit. He also puts Taker through a table, which is no mean feat. I can’t tell if it’s the Spanish or the ECW table, but either way that sort of thing is just uncalled for! Ooh, the crowd is not happy when it looks like Batista might win. Luckily, Taker gets a Chokeslam in...but Batista kicks out! Check it out: Tension in a Batista match! Granted, a great deal of it is due to the Undertaker, but I have to say that Batista is mostly doing a good job of holding his own. A Tombstone ends things and gives Taker the belt. 15-0, bitches. Good match, Smackdown!
Backstage with Vince and Steph. Hi, Steph!
Poor Taz and Joey Styles haven’t had their table replaced. They finally get to do commentary though, for an 8 man tag match featuring the ECW roster. Some info on ECW, the WWE's "third brand:" ECW was first founded as a wrestling promotion in 1992 and closed in 2001. The WWE then bought ECW and in 2006 made it into another "brand," like SmackDown, but it never ranked in importance with Raw or Smackdown. It was still an enjoyable little show, though. ECW's legacy is extreme or hardcore matches, still fondly remembered by its fans. The actual value of said matches is still up for debate...
Anyway, our first team is called the ECW Originals—Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam. They’re being billed as men of the people, toiling through the small town equivalent that is ECW. They are fighting against the New Breed—Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke. Young vs Old, that kind of thing. Sabu has very shiny pants. RVD’s the only one who has been at WrestleMania before. I like this. The young guys are flashy, but everyone clearly knows what they’re doing. It’s really a great way to showcase ECW, both what it has been and what it could be. It’s a great tag match too—the New Breed tag a lot, making quick changes, keeping things exciting. Taz is in his element, crowing about how awesome it is that ECW is here at WrestleMania. RVD is...RVD, which is to say, he is awesome and I could watch him flip about for hours. Things turn into a bit of a brawl, which is extreme and therefore totally appropriate. RVD pins Striker for his team. That match was too short by far, but that’s life when you’re in an ECW match in a WWE PPV. Still, good stuff, guys! Very extreme.
Ehhh. Battle of the Billionaires between Mr. McMahon and Donald Trump. The loser also loses his hair. Each billionaire will be represented by an actual wrestler, Vince by Umaga, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion, and Trump by Bobby Lashley, who also happens to be ECW Champion. Stone Cold will be refereeing. Ehh. I like Umaga and I love Stone Cold, but you all know how I feel about these types of matches. Just...no. I would rather have seen Umaga and Lashley (though I don’t care about him) have title defense matches.
Mr. McMahon, Trump, Umaga, and Lashley all enter separately and each entrance takes FOREVER. I just want this to be over. Umaga and Lashley start off with a stare down. They’re both big, intimidating guys, particularly Umaga. Lashley is more entertaining than he was in Money in the Bank last year. Umaga and Stone Cold have a stare down, and then the Rattlesnake gets more directly involved. Umaga has to be careful and not disrespect the ref. This really isn’t a bad match. I like it when big guys do more than just lumber around (oh hai, KHALI). Stone Cold refuses to do a double count out. Then Shane comes to assist his dad...for some reason. The pace to this match is way off. It should be faster, but there’s a weird dynamic to it that I’m not understanding.
Umaga accidentally takes out Stone Cold and Shane gets involved, taking it to Lashley along with Umaga. Shane gets in his one awesome move. Oh, and Shane’s got ref stripes on under his shirt (that’s all you need to be an official ref, apparently). Stone Cold gets up just in time to prevent Shane stealing one for his Dad. Umaga...takes him out again. Ok, this can be over now. Donald takes it to Vince, Stone Cold Stuns Umaga, and Lashley picks up the win. Wow, was Lashley ever lucky. Surely Vince won’t consent to losing his hair? That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person! Austin tries to bring him to justice, Shane interferes, Austin does what he does, Vince tries to sneak away. Lashley decides to be useful and chases Vince down, depositing him in the ring. Stone Cold Stuns him, they get him in the barber’s chair and the clippers come out. How shocking! How totally worth all the time being wasted here! Ok, enough. This great WrestleMania has been stalled long enough. After being totally chill and drinking beer while Mr McMahon’s head was shaved, Stone Cold Stuns Trump. Because he can and that’s why we love him.
Apparently before things got serious tonight there was a lumberjack match between Chavo and Carlito, which Carlito won. Boy, I would have liked to see that instead of that Billionaire Bullshit.
Lumber “jill” match—clever, that—for the Women’s Championship. Most of the women are wearing ridiculous attire when they will be expected to get physical at some point. Sigh. Our first competitor is Ashley. Ah, yes, Ashley. Winner of the Diva Search. Ashley works this whole poseur punk, bad girl angle that I have always found irritating in both men and women. She’s edgy! Really! I mean, she’s got dark streaks in her blond hair! She's wearing a ball cap backwards! How anti-establishment! The champion going in is Melina, whose character is a paparazzi conscious celebrity. Melina is fun to watch, and I like her a lot. I wish she was up against someone else. Anyone else. Ashley is wearing a stupid leather corset/skirt combo and it’s dumb. I just… I miss Lita.
This, children, is where the women’s division, after coming so far, will start to fall again. For starters, the women are now known officially as Divas. Granted, the men are now known as Superstars, which is equally silly, but the men have never been in danger of being the designated bits of fluff. Title matches will now be contested by the less talented members of the roster just as much as the women who can actually wrestle. The legitimate talent, after clawing its way to good WrestleMania matches and compelling storylines, is few and far between as the company starts hiring models and any number of pretty faces through the Diva Search, but not many actual wrestlers. This is just baffling. I can’t believe we went from Trish and Mickie’s awesome match with its awesome build-up to this ridiculous fanservice. This isn’t even a match. It’s “Look at all the Divas! Pretty, pretty Divas!”
Melina wins after a largely uninteresting match that the crowd could not have cared less about. For once, I can’t fault them. Melina was good, but there’s only so much you can do when style is prized so much more over substance. All the Divas then get in on the action in the ring, short skirts and all. So. Very. Progressive.
Everyone went for a snack during the women’s match and now it’s main event time: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena. Cena goes in with the title, of course. Michaels hasn’t held the title for nine years and he’s come to face Cena after defeating Randy Orton and Edge. There is some very slow music playing over a montage of the two men. It is extremely jarring. I feel like I’m in a spa. A relaxing, WrestleMania spa. It gets more epic, but that doesn’t really help. Man, this build up is taking forever. It’s John Cena and Shawn Michaels. I know it’s going to be huge. Shawn enters to the DX theme, for some reason. He’s not even wearing DX colours, so...what? He’s actually World Tag Team Champion with John Cena right now...but that’s not DX. So...what? And yes, the Tag Champions are, in fact, also fighting each other for the WWE title. I’ve used up all my ranting on the women’s match, I forgot to lament the equal decline of the tag division. Neither of them even have their tag belts with them!
Cena speeds in car to get to WrestleMania. It’s pretty impressive and really the only way to top HBK’s usual bedazzled stroll down the entrance ramp. The crowd isn’t much impressed, sadly. There’s even a “Die Cena” sign. Oh, calm down. I have never understood extreme Cena haters. He’s fun, he’s likable, and he puts on a good show. Admittedly, his constant winning gets irritating, but, come on. He’s our hero. He has to win.
Despite what the crowd would have you believe, Cena is doing a very good job here, though he’s mostly suffering an HBK assault. He’s intense, he’s struggling, and he looks like he’s being hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate a Miraculous Comeback, but still. Shawn, meanwhile, is looking like a big jerk, utterly relentless. It’s a side we don’t often see of the fun loving, wise cracking, flashy HBK, and I love it.
As expected, John starts to get his own back, and it takes the wind out of Shawn’s sails. Suddenly he’s bloody and hurt. And suddenly John has forgotten that he’s been limping. Oh, John. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is executed to a chorus of boos. CHILL OUT, DETROIT.HBK accidentally super kicks the ref when Cena ducks. Whoops. Guess who that was? Yup, Mike Chioda, probably the most abused ref in WrestleMania history.
Shawn’s face is all bloody and boy is he mad. He piledrives Cena onto the ring steps. Detroit has a field day, but I mostly wince. Another ref FINALLY runs in, like, way to pay attention, refs! There are several near pins, and each man clearly has no idea how they can pull this off, becoming more desperate. They each amount what should be devastating attacks, but to no avail. I like that after each attempt they have to take some time to recover, making it clear that all their energy is being expended. Cena eventually wins after Shawn taps out. That was a tad unsatisfying. Shawn took control so early and tended to dominate the match after that. As I’ve said, Cena did an excellent job selling how hurt he was while still appearing as a legitimate opponent, but then he would mount a Miraculous Comeback that he really shouldn’t have been able to do considering how much punishment he had taken. It was more believable later on in the match when they were both clearly exhausted. Cena should have gotten more hits earlier. The furious flurry of counters that occurred later in the match should have been the norm from the beginning. I just didn’t buy that Shawn was done for enough to tap out.
Cena tries to catch up and reconcile with Shawn after the match, because he is a good guy (shut up, Detroit, you know it’s true!), but HBK is having none of it.The end! That was a really good WrestleMania, with only a small amount of sour notes. Yay!
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