We’re in Houston Texas for the big anniversary. Nicole
Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is here to sing America the Beautiful. She
has this odd habit of constantly holding her left hand in the air. It’s very
distracting.
Do I even need to mention how spectacular the opening pyro
is? JR welcomes us home. He’s with Cole
and JR, and it’s the first time we’ve only had one announce table in quite a
while.
Money in the Bank is starting things off, which seems silly
to me, as I firmly believe it should be the main event every year. CM Punk, last
year's glorious winner, is here. There are also Mark Henry, MVP (also the United States
champion), Finlay (still with *sigh* Hornswoggle, and wearing a very strange
armour/coat get up), Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston (in his first WrestleMania),
Christian (getting a HUGE ovation for his WrestleMania return), and Kane, who
really has nothing better to do than beat people up. Money in the Bank is
pretty much Kane’s hangout when he isn’t fighting the Undertaker. As usual, I
love everyone here, except Mark Henry.
There’s a ladder cluster early on after the smaller guys
clear out Kane and Henry only to be toppled by them. It’s quite poetic, really.
There’s a load of everyone diving out of the ring onto each other. Punk and
Kofi dive out together, which is pretty awesome, until Shelton Benjamin dives onto
everyone from ATOP A LADDER (“holy shit!” says the crowd). He's Shelton Benjamin,
bitches. The crowd is pretty solidly behind everyone, except maybe Henry. He’s
the only one drawing boos, but as he’s the only real villain it makes sense.
Everyone else gets lots of appreciation, which I always like to see in these
matches. Kofi does his best Shelton Benjamin impression and it’s pretty
awesome. Christian and Punk engage in some risky business atop a horizontally
placed ladder. Oh wow, everyone really wants Christian to do this. It’s down to him, Punk, and Kane, then just
Punk and Kane. Punk wins! For the second year in a row! The crowd is pretty divided
about this. I kinda wanted Christian to win too, but this is fine!
My only complaint is that the match was over too quickly and
Kofi was out of things too early. There was very little of having everyone in
the ring at the same time, but everyone did a fantastic job. There was brawling and high flying and much greatness in between. Some highlights below.
You guys, that’s not even the best (worst) part. The best part is that the winner is Santina Marella. Who is Santina? Oh, I’ll tell you. Santina is the clever female disguise of Santino Marella, masquerading as his “sister.” You may remember him for such acts as stealing the thunder of the women at last year’s WrestleMania too. You see, after this farce of a “match” was announced, Santino decided that he wanted to compete, because what this division really needed was for a man to steal the spotlight. After he was denied, Santina mysteriously showed up here. And it’s extra funny because a man dressing as a woman is the most HILARIOUS THING EVER. I mean, seriously, who the hell would want to be a woman? Women are the least desirable entities in the world, except for use as window dressing. If you're a woman, you can't compete in manly bouts of manliness! The horror! The only reason one could conceivably want to be a woman would be to steal a meaningless title from other women, amirite?
The match does get good when we’re down to Mickie, Michelle, Beth, and Melina…and Santina. The waste of talent here is staggering. Lowest WrestleMania point for the women? Yes. Absolutely. Fuck this. Fuck this FOREVER. Oh, it’s SO FUNNY to make a mockery of the entire women’s division by literally making it the punch line to a joke. Fucking hell. Again.
Anyway, here is my beloved Chris Jericho to save my sanity.
He has become a bad guy again, and this time he’s picking on old men.
Specifically, Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and Ric Flair, all of whom
he says are just aging parasites. Jericho also doesn’t wear sparkles anymore, instead
wearing snappy suits, which is fine by me. His character has shifted to a soft
spoken, concentrated ball of anger. It’s a pretty drastic change, but
brilliantly executed, and I love that Jericho consciously set out to do
something different. However, my eternal love for him will not prevent me from
cheering for Piper to beat up such a disrespectful whippersnapper. Oh,
Mickey Rourke is here too, because he made a movie about wrestlers. Celebrity
quota is filled for the year.
Steamboat looks fantastic for his age. Snuka looks about
half dead, sadly. Piper looks like Roddy Piper: a little squirrelly but ready
to brawl. Flair is Flair. Piper takes on Jericho first, not doing too badly. Snuka
moves really stiffly. The Dragon is fucking amazing. Snuka taps to the Walls.
Then Jericho pins Piper. Watching Jericho and Steamboat go one on one is pretty
awesome. Jericho ends up winning, but he gets his comeuppance from Mickey
Rourke. It was awfully nice of Jericho to spend most of the match selling for
the legends. That is why he is awesome.
Hardy vs. Hardy! So it seems that Matt’s gone bad since we
last saw him, turning on his brother Jeff in retaliation for Jeff being more
popular. So Matt perpetrated a number of secret attacks against Jeff, to the
point of burning down Jeff’s house and KILLING HIS DOG. That shit is EXTREME!
This would be a pretty interesting story, but both the Hardys are such terrible
actors. As a tag team they really just had to be themselves. Neither of them
can manage much anger here, more’s the pity.
Matt takes the lead early on, pulling any number of strange
things out from under the ring to batter Jeff with. Then Jeff gets his own back
and the bashing continues. JR tries very hard to convince us of the significance
of this brother vs. brother angle. Yes, JR, I get it. Siblings turning on each
other is the WORST THING EVER. Matt wins after Jeff nearly kills himself
falling off a ladder, as usual. The match was pretty good. All the Hardys ever
needed to do was fall down in EXTREME fashion. It doesn’t sound like much, but,
believe me, they were really good at falling down. When you’re good at one thing,
do it EXTREMELY well. The match did lag
a bit near the end, and despite the fact that Matt and Jeff have wrestled
together for years, I didn’t get a sense of fluency here. It seemed a bit
choppy in places.
Randy Orton is hanging with his Legacy buddies, Cody Rhodes
and Ted DiBiase, backstage. Randy is in full Viper mode.Intercontinental Championship match. JBL is defending the belt against Rey Mysterio. JBL takes his time getting to the ring, insulting Texas the entire way, the magnificent bastard. Rey is the Joker this year and he’s kind of frightening. I dig the lime green suspenders, though.
The match lasts all
of five seconds before Rey wins his first Intercontinental title. Now, I love Rey
and I begrudge him no titles, but I do not understand the decision here. Rory
still cries about this match at night. Why would you not have a real match
between JBL and Rey? That would be awesome! JBL is in utter shock. So he quits.
Well, if you’re going to quit you might as well do it at WrestleMania.
But…really? Why? Supposedly all of this was JBL’s idea and his loss and
quitting admittedly get a huge reaction out of the crowd. Really, this is the
best way for a bad guy to go, but it still feels like we’re being cheated.
Hype montage for HBK vs. the Undertaker. The epicness, it
slays me. I get chills just in anticipation of this match. Shawn enters from on
high (they’re working a heaven and hell thing), dressed in white, like a show-stopping
angel. Taker enters from below dressed
as…the Undertaker. What else do you want? The crowd is buzzing and HBK and
Taker are all business.
Shawn can only be dramatic for so long, but luckily Taker is a drama queen...er, undead king.
What can I say about this match? It’s so wonderfully paced,
so even, so tense, so beautifully executed. This is about as close to wrestling
perfection as it gets. I know Shawn is going to lose. I don’t care. I’m living
and dying with him on every pin, every Tombstone and Chokeslam, every hold,
every Superkick. The back and forth is perfect. And let’s not sell the Undertaker short;
it takes two to tango and who tangos better than Taker? He starts out looking
pretty unfazed, but as the match rolls on you can see him becoming more and
more frustrated that he just can’t put the tenacious HBK away. Their offence
only becomes more furious as they get more tired. Shawn doesn’t even tap to the Super Special Instant
Death hold (also known as Hell’s Gate, but I prefer my name). They start
banking on that One Spectacular Move to win it all, but both men just refuse to
go down, constantly thwarting and countering each other, being sapped by both
their offence and defence. Also, Taker’s facial expressions, as always, are
priceless.
The Undertaker finally wins after a battle for the ages.
Watch this match. If you never watch another wrestling match, watch this match.
To see these 40ish year old men (ancient by wrestling standards) go for half an
hour in a match of this quality is astounding. This is why I watch wrestling. I would post highlights of the match, but you really can't fully appreciate it unless you watch the whole thing.
Moving on after that bit of awesomeness: Edge took the World
Heavyweight belt from Cena and then was set to defend it against Big Show at WrestleMania.
But that wily Cena wasn’t finished with Edge. Cena cut a deal with Vickie,
still Edge’s wife and General Manager of Raw and Smackdown, to let him in on
the match because he had some dirt on the former Mrs. Guererro. Turns out she
had something of a fling with Big Show, which Cena ended up telling everyone
anyway. Kind of a douche move, Cena. But he got his title shot out of it, so
we’ve got ourselves a three-way match. And Cena, despite weaselling his way in
in a most weaselly manner, still tries to sell himself as the underdog, citing
Edge and Vickie’s shenanigans and the fact that he just wants to FIGHT, dammit,
and have no part of any drama.
Vickie is rolled out to ringside by loyal nephew Chavo. Then
Edge enters, looking apprehensive, but ready for business. Big
Show looks disgruntled. For Cena’s entrance he has an army of Cena look-alikes
come out before him. It’s a little creepy. They all do the U Can’t C Me wave as
Cena comes out, with a For Serious face of his own. He gets a whole lot of boos, though.
Cena tries to start out strong, but Big Show pretty much
shoulders him aside. Edge tries to set up an alliance with Big Show, but
Show will have none of it because he’s seen this show before. There’s some back
and forth, mostly between Show and Cena. Chavo attempts to interfere, but Cena
won’t have it. Show gets caught in the ropes and Cena takes some time to beat
on Edge. He can take his pick of whom to pin, but he stops for some showboating
because: Cena. Then Vickie starts shrieking at ringside, predictably leading to
Edge accidentally spearing her when Cena steps aside. Show is still caught in the ropes and I
refuse to believe he can’t get out of the ropes by himself. That just looks
silly. He finally frees himself and unleashes the same set of moves on Edge and
Cena. Then Show and Cena are both laid out outside the ring. Edge tries to
capitalize, but mostly succeeds in keeping himself and Show out of the ring.
Not being able to shift Show, Edge turns to Cena and gets him back in the ring.
Edge tries to spear the groggy Cena, but Cena is miraculously able to dodge and
puts Edge in the STF. Then Big Show drags Cena off and takes over Edge Smashing
duty. Edge and Cena team up to suplex Show, which is kind of cool. Then they
knock Show out of the ring and Edge immediately turns on Cena because: Edge.
There's a ctually a neat bit of characterization here, if you want to see it that way (and I always do).
The look on Cena’s face before the team-up indicated that he clearly wondered
if he should trust Edge, but then he was determined to go for it and then was caught off guard by Edge's sudden but inevitable betrayl. I think Cena
the character just can’t fathom someone like Edge. He cannot wrap his head
around someone who will always, ALWAYS take the slimy way out. Edge ,of course,
was calculating and doing his darndest to get Cena on his side, however briefly.
After smacking Cena down afterward, he barely even reacts. There’s no glee or
malice; this is just what he DOES.
Anyway, Cena lifts both Edge and Show onto his shoulders,
then takes out Show for the win. Nice Miraculous Comeback, John. Ah well. It
was a good match. Seemed slow to me, but neither Show nor Cena are speed demons
and there was a lot of recovery time. Still, I did like the interactions
between the men and story-wise it is satisfying for the guy in it for the
fightin’ and not the love triangle to triumph, even if said guy actually
CONTRIBUTED to the triangle, but whatever. I feel like the match mostly
involved one man dumping the other guys outside the ring, without much real rhythm.
Not a terrible match, by any means. It also suffered from coming right after
Taker/Michaels.
Hall of Fame induction. Dory and Terry Funk, Koko B. Ware, the
Von Erich family (represented by Kevin), Cowboy Bill Watts, Howard Finkel,
Ricky Steamboat, and Steve Austin are all inducted. After everyone is announced, Austin leaves and
comes back out on an ATV, because: Stone Cold. He rides around the ring and
then downs some beers in the ring. He even shares with JR. Awww. Watching a man
drink beer in a wrestling ring should not be as entertaining as this.
Main event is Triple H vs. Randy Orton, for the WWE
Championship (held by Triple H) but also as part of their neverending war since
Randy was kicked out of Evolution. I actually really like their history. It’s a
fascinating story, Randy Orton’s non-existent acting ability notwithstanding.
Randy tells us in a montage that ever since Hunter was a big meanie to him, he
vowed to ruin Triple H’s life, as one does. After winning a chance to face Triple
H for the WWE title, he then went after Hunter’s in-laws, laying out Vince and
Steph in particularly dastardly fashion. Hunter responded by attacking Orton
with a sledgehammer in his own home and then taking out Cody and Ted, not that
Randy even gives a shit about those two. As a last act of eeeeevil, Randy took
out Steph AGAIN and then kissed her unconscious form because: Crazypants Orton.
I have to say, all-out Batshit Crazy Orton can be a really great bad guy when
he also puts effort into his matches. He really can be an effective loose
cannon. Shane and Vince have Hunter’s back: McMahons are the only ones allowed
to beat on each other! And so we arrive at WrestleMania. There is a match stipulation
that if Triple H is disqualified or counted out, he will still lose the belt,
as per Vickie’s orders.
Hunter is on his way to the ring when he runs into Shane and
Vince backstage, looking all corporate and shit. They share a manly nod of
revenge solidarity. Shane keeps nodding after Hunter has left. Shane, you can
switch it off now.
Randy enters and nearly undoes the good will done by that
awesome video package by just kind of…strolling to the ring looking bored. I
think he’s going for “quiet, confident intensity,” but…just no, Randy. Oh my
god, this is taking FOREVER. Interest levels rapidly falling.
FINALLY Triple H enters and I can get pumped again. He’s got
his hammer in hand (not a euphemism, though I wouldn’t be surprised someday if
Hunter legit just whips out his dick to show us all how much bigger it is than
ANYONE ELSE’S EVER). He uses the hammer to shatter glass before walking through
it, which was a neat effect.
Pre-match manly stare down, not at all charged with
homoeroticism.
Randy, just ONE emotion, I’m begging you. Look at Hunter. Look
at all that anger and suppressed violence. THIS is why you got kicked out of
Legacy, Randy. Until you learn to tread the boards properly, it’s supporting roles
for you!
Hunter starts out strong, not in a flurry of EXTEME ANGER as
one might expect, but carefully and with purpose. Remember, he has to be careful
not to be DQ’d. Orton RKOs Hunter and Hunter Pedigrees Orton early on and neither
of them instantly roll over, so you know we’re in for Extra Special Destructive
Times. Triple H remembers to stay a bit groggy because he has been RKOd, and
this is why I love Triple H, despite everything.
Orton gets cute, asking Triple H to “wait” while he gets his
bearings back, and who did he think he was dealing with? Triple H continues to
punish Orton, still keeping an even pace, methodically dealing him pain. But
Orton comes back and turns the tables, flipping Hunter over a barricade,
clearly hoping for a count-out. That would be way too easy, though, and Hunter
crawls back to the ring. Randy FNALLY does some good facial work here, unable
to hide his fiendish glee.
He starts viciously beating on Hunter and the ref has to
remind him that he can be DQ’d too. I don’t think he hears the warning, because
he gets right back to the beatdown. Back and forth, back and forth. Much
recovering and desperate countering, not that it looks all that desperate; the announcers
just keep telling me both of them are acting on PURE INSTINCT. There’s
certainly a lot of staggering around.
Finally Randy goes for the Punt, but Triple H grabs his leg,
which I wonder why more people don’t do, and flips Orton out of the ring.
Surely, this must be leading to a denouement? More punishment first, as Orton
is smashed into the Spanish announce table (they had it coming). The ref
reminds Hunter not to get DQ’d but he’s in a RAGE! He opts not to bash Orton
with a monitor, but isn’t done with destroying tables. Orton counters the
Pedigree YET AGAIN and Triple H doesn’t even have the grace to actually break
through the table. Hunter starts to be counted out again, but makes it back
into the ring AGAIN. But Orton keeps beating on him and it’s kind of boring.
Kick kick kick punch punch punch. Orton knocks Triple H into the ref, meaning
the ref can’t complete the count when there’s another RKO. But, oho, Randy’s
going to be even MORE eeeeevil, taking Hunter’s sledgehammer from under the
ring while the ref is still out. However, Hunter gets a Punt in and then all
three men are lying in the ring. Hunter grabs the hammer and uses it, then
manages to hide it so the ref won’t be able to see. Orton gets punched some
more and the ref gets back up. There’s a Pedigree with no counter and Triple H
finally wins.
I guess that wasn’t a BAD match, but I can’t say I enjoyed
it. Orton displayed all of his limited moveset, and whenever Triple H starts
selling early on, you know it’s just going to lead to a Miraculous Comeback. He
spent a lot of time recovering and Orton had to provide the momentum for the
match, which he couldn’t do.And we’re done! Overall, an excellent WrestleMania, shameful treatment of the women (and the tag division, which got a pre-show match wherein Carlito and Primo Colon defeated The Miz and John Morrison to unify the Tag titles) aside. As usual, highlights are below.
And we’re also done with this series! I can’t believe all the time I spent thinking and typing about all ten of these WrestleManias, but I’m glad I did it. As I said in my very first post, one of things I love most about wrestling is its history, and to have recorded some of it for my own enjoyment has been a fun experience. Wrestling continues to both inspire and infuriate me, sometimes for reasons I can’t even properly explain. It’s just like magic.
