This year we open on a patriotic note with Lillian Garcia singing “America the Beautiful.” As expected, there are many pictures of the armed forces. A reiteration: I AM CANADIAN! Stop hitting me over the head with your military efforts. For a company that prides itself on having global appeal, they’re not very sensitive about this sort of thing. Yup, and there’s the obligatory “USA!” chant. That’s not at all obnoxious.
WrestleMania is in Hollywood this year, giving the Superstars the perfect opportunity to recreate several famous movie scenes. They are all awesome. I love it when the talent goof around; a lot of these guys are genuinely funny. We’ve got Eugene and William Regal doing Forrest Gump, Booker T and Eddie Guerrero doing Pulp Fiction, pretty much everyone doing Taxi Driver, Kurt Angle and Christy Hemme (with a cameo from Linda McMahon) in When Harry Met Sally, John Cena and JBL (with a cameo from Coach) in A Few Good Men, Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, Christian, Stacy Keibler, Mae Young, and the Fabulous Moolah in Basic Instinct, Triple H and Ric Flair doing Braveheart, The Undertaker in Dirty Harry, and Stone Cold in Gladiator.
JR and Jerry Lawler greet us and pass us over to the Spanish announcers, who, in turn, give us Michael Cole and Tazz. The gang’s all here!
Eddie Guererro enters the arena in a car. In a twist that only happens in wrestling, Eddie will be fighting his own tag team partner. (It’s worth pointing out that Eddie went from a huge match against Angle last year to opening this year.) The partner in question is Rey Mysterio, sporting a nifty outfit combining the American and Mexican flags. Eddie and Rey, of course, have been BFFs as well as tag partners, lending some depth to this match.
There are some fine displays of flipping about from Rey, and Eddie’s no slouch either. He’s bigger than Rey (who isn’t?), but he’s still quick on his feet. It’s a good match, especially considering it’s an opener. There are several close calls, but you just can’t beat the sheer pluck of Rey Mysterio. He wins, but shakes Eddie’s hand afterward in a show of good sportsmanship. Awww. This is, incidentally, Eddie’s last WrestleMania match. He’ll be dead in about seven months.
It’s the first ever Money in the Bank match, my very favourite type of stipulation match. I have never seen this inaugural match, and I’m super excited to do so. It’s a ladder match with a purpose. Dangling from the ceiling is a briefcase containing a contract guaranteeing the winner a title match, anytime, anywhere. Awesome.
Canada is well represented: my beloved Chris Jericho is here (sporting short hair and *sigh* facial hair, though it’s less silly than before), as well as Chris Benoit, Christian, and Edge. Oooh, and there’s Shelton Benjamin, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion. And Kane, whose entrance apparently causes ladders to burst into flame. This is going to be the best match ever!
The match starts before Kane makes it to the ring. Shelton Benjamin doesn’t waste any time flinging himself about and generally defying gravity. Kane prefers to make an art out of injuring people with ladders. Edge and Christian, of course, are old hats at ladder matches, and they team up briefly. As expected, at one point everyone but Kane ends up battling atop a couple of ladders before crashing spectacularly. Because he is a super hero, Shelton Benjamin runs up a ladder leaning against another ladder and leaps at Jericho. Shelton, Jericho, Christian (unfairly aided, of course), Kane, and Benoit all have a go at snatching at the brief case. Benoit takes an ill-advised leap off a ladder to apply his signature move to Kane, which involves...landing on his head. That is cringe-worthy. He opens up the stitches above his eyes, and by far looks to be in the most pain of all the competitors. Edge, after being inactive for most of the match, comes out of nowhere and wins. He’s sneaky that way.
My expectations were super high for this match, so I am a little disappointed, but it was an excellent match. I feel like everyone had a set moment to do something, and it seemed more carefully structured than the work of chaotic art that was the ladder match of WM 16. Still, an impressive showing for all involved, with plenty of OMG! moments from Shelton Benjamin.
And here we have Eugene. Eugene is...well, he’s played as developmentally disabled while also being a savant when it comes to wrestling. I was fully prepared to be offended by the character. Some of the things Vince thinks are funny... However, the weird thing about the Eugene character is that his tenure wasn’t as horrific as many people thought it would be (firmly keeping in mind how the WWE usually deals with any sort of difference from its perceived norm). He was actually quite loveable in his innocence, and the crowd took him to their hearts. No one wants to laugh at Eugene, they definitely laugh with him, and they don’t want to see him hurt. Wrestling is surprising sometimes.
Anyway, here he has a confrontation with Hassan, an evil Arab character (it’s 2005. Evil Axis and all that). He and his friend shout at Eugene and try to hurt him. And who comes to the rescue? Why, a real American, of course! Yup, the Hulkster is here in all his macho glory. Isn’t America swell? Eugene seems to have disappeared as Hogan poses for the crowd. He’s fighting for the right of every man, don’t you know. Ok, enough. It’s been, like, five minutes. I GET IT!! Real Americans are heavily tanned with silly facial hair. Oh, for the love of...now he’s posing IN FRONT OF A GIANT AMERICAN FLAG.
Now that’s over, we can get back to actual wrestling. The Undertaker is fighting Randy Orton. Orton is playing the cocky young gun devoted to taking out his elders and betters—he calls himself the “Legend Killer.” I kind of liked this gimmick of Orton’s. He actually had a personality.
The Undertaker’s druids precede him to the ring, with the chanting and the torches and the fog and the spookiness. Does anyone produce an effect quite like the Undertaker? He is FLOATING to the ring! Just try to do something cooler!
I love the entirely unfazed expression on Taker’s face as Orton struts to the ring. He may be the Deadman again, but he’s still badass.
Randy comes out of the gate trying to be all flashy and smooth. The Undertaker just knocks him down. Randy gets a few hits in, but come on, we all know how this will end. Orton does a surprisingly good acting job here; he clearly did not expect this to be such a challenge and he’s struggling to figure out how to beat the Undertaker. He tries everything, growing more desperate when things don’t go his way. He even morphs a chokeslam into an RKO. That was...kind of cool.
A Tombstone finishes off the Legend Killer, and the Undertaker is now 13-0. I wonder if he ever sits around and just ponders how awesome he is?
Now it’s the Women’s Title match, the first actual title match of the night. Trish Stratus holds the title, and she is being challenged by Christy Hemme. Christy has been under the tutelage of Lita. Trish and Lita have a great deal of history that isn’t dealt with here. It’s a shame because those two really defined the high point of women’s wrestling in this decade. Still, if Lita’s had a hand in Christy’s training, I have hopes for this match. Trish’s attire involves suspenders and trousers, which looks rather cool.
Trish has really developed her bad guy persona, taunting Christy and toying with her rather than treating her as a deserving foe. Christy tends to squeak when she is hit with a move. It is unintentionally hilarious. All Christy really does is kick, which Trish sells the heck out of, God bless her. It turns out the one thing Christy really took from Lita was how to do the Twist of Fate, which she hits once. Trish does her best to carry the match, but it’s clear that Christy really has nothing going. Disappointing. Trish wins without any real struggle.
Kurt Angle is fighting Shawn Michaels to prove that he is the greatest wrestler in the company. Shawn is out to prove why they call him “the Showstopper” and “Mr. WrestleMania.” This should be an excellent show. Shawn is wearing a ridiculous leather, chain, jewel coat thing that only the Heartbreak Kid could pull off. Things start with a stare down, but then Shawn slaps Angle and all hell breaks loose. Kurt is a furious flurry of grappling. Then Shawn makes the odd choice to hold Angle in a headlock for quite awhile. It’s not an exciting move and really stalls the match. Mind you, that’s what Kurt usually tries to do—slow his opponent’s momentum. Shawn is playing this match as Angle would, something that Kurt would not expect. Interesting strategy.
Eventually things pick up speed, and the match gets REALLY good. There is some excellent back and forth. They take the fight to Cole and Tazz’s table, which disappointingly does not break. What’s the point of flinging someone onto a table if it doesn’t split dramatically? The longest ten count ever ensues as both men struggle back into the ring. Kurt’s bleeding from the mouth, Shawn from the nose. They’re both digging in to their last stores of endurance. It seems that Shawn’s got this wrapped up, but his Superkick attempt is turned into an ankle lock by Angle. The crowd wills him to make it to the ropes. He does, but now Angle’s got the upper hand. They engage in a series of furious counters, and I can’t believe either has any strength left. Angle attempts a moonsault; Shawn rolls out of the way, but it’s still impressive to see a man Angle’s size flying through the air. After an agonizingly close count, Angle comes completely unhinged. He yells at Shawn, but takes too much time to do so, giving HBK the chance to knock him down. We all think this HAS to be it, but no. Kurt kicks out yet again. Neither man looks like he has anything left, but just as Shawn struggles to his feet Kurt puts him in the ankle lock again. There is a heroic struggle as Shawn tries to make it to the ropes. And he can’t do it. He taps.
That was a crazy intense match. Wow. The crowd stands and applauds. They even forget to tell Kurt that he sucks. That’s WrestleMania, kids. That kind of effort and heart is what it’s all about. This will be hard to top.
Rowdy Roddy Piper is here for a segment of “Piper’s Pit.” His guest is Stone Cold. Piper wants to meet the Rattlesnake face to face. They engage in a foul-mouthed confrontation. Both of these men know how to talk well. This is pointless but hilarious, so I won’t complain. They are interrupted by Carlito, the keeper of cool. Piper and Austin bond over beating up the young upstart and enjoy a cold beverage together. Then Austin Stuns Piper. That’s just how he rolls.
Bradshaw has fully morphed into his JBL character—a rich, evil Texan. Basically, he hates the fun that Cena has while wrestling. JBL, you see, is the “wrestling god,” and he thinks John is making a mockery of the company. Cena’s still rocking his rapper vernacular, sadly. He’s fighting JBL, not only for the sheer satisfaction of taking him down, but also for the WWE championship.
JBL rolls into the arena in a white limousine replete with a set of longhorns on the hood. He’s been champion for over eight months, which is pretty damn impressive in the world of wrestling. But then again, as Rory is wont to point out, JBL himself is pretty damn impressive. Cena is wearing a truly ridiculous bit of bling around his neck. It’s enormous and blinding and so very wrong.
JBL starts out strong and the crowd hates him. It takes talent to make oneself so thoroughly disliked. For the most part, this match is all JBL. However, John Cena is the larger, less aerodynamic version of Rey Mysterio—he possesses deep stores of pluck and heart that cannot be denied! After a Miraculous Comeback and Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cena wins the match and the title. We must get used to seeing Cena hoisting a belt aloft at WrestleMania.
Hall of Fame ceremony! Cowboy Bob Orton, Nikolai Volkoff, the Iron Sheik, Paul Orndorff, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, and Hulk Hogan make up the class of ’05. It’s rather nice to have a class whose members are all still alive and looking relatively healthy.
The main event this year involves current Heavyweight Champion Triple H against Batista. This storyline was actually rather interesting, starting when the group known as Evolution began to fall apart. Batista started to resent Triple H’s heavy handed use of Evolution and its members to serve his own goals. Batista watched Randy Orton suffer the consequences of trying to pursue his own goals. Then he had to negotiate his own issues with Hunter while maintaining his respect for Ric Flair, who is firmly in Triple H’s court. I love a good power struggle! This is the first and last time I will find a storyline involving Batista to be enthralling.
Triple H and Batista try to start things off with an “intense” staredown, which would work if Batista could act. The effort he puts into his facial expressions mostly just make him look like he’s in pain. Both of these guys are very big, very well built men. Unfortunately, only one of them is any good at wrestling. Triple H rather blatantly carries Batista (sometimes literally!) through this match. He even gets busted wide open to convince us that Batista is doing a lot of damage. Nice try, Hunter. I see you doing all the work. Flair interferes on Hunter’s behalf every time the ref’s back is turned. Eventually Batista takes revenge. That’s right, Dave Batista hits old men! He also hits his one move (the Batista Bomb) to win the match. Yaaaaaaay. (And I mean that in the least enthusiastic way possible.) Props to Triple H for being awesome (and Hunter Haters take note: this is the second WrestleMania in a row in which Triple went in with his title and left without it), but, man, I’m annoyed that this great storyline and subsequent main event spot went to Batista.
This was certainly a passable WrestleMania. There were few actual title matches, and no tag match at all. The women’s match wasn’t as good as it could have been, but at least there was no pure fluff match. The main event was unremarkable other than for the sheer effort of Triple H. A lot of young talent was pushed—Cena, Orton, Batista, Edge. I’m inclined to think that the Michaels/Angle match more than made up for my few disappointments, though. And, best of all, the Spanish announce table stayed intact for the entire show!
