It’s the 20th anniversary, and we’re back where it all started—in Madison Square Garden in New York. This promises to be epic.
JR and Lawler are besuited and ready to go, joined again by Tazz and Cole. Cole, I’m pleased to report, does not look ridiculous.
It’s John Cena’s first WrestleMania! He’s opening against the Big Show, who holds the United States Championship. Cena is also showcasing his ridiculous original white rapper persona. I’m so glad he ditched this. You look silly, John!
But it’ll be all main events from here on out, so you must be doing something right. Cole reminds us that Big Show has been around the block a few times and accomplished many things, something that many people, including me, find it easy to forget.
It looks like Big Show pretty much has this one in the bag from the beginning. What I like about the Big Show is that he’s a huge guy, but he can also move. Show pretty much carries Cena through this match. Cena, however, mounts what will be the first of many WrestleMania Miraculous Comebacks. He also lifts the Big Show onto his shoulders twice, which--wow. John Cena is insanely strong. And now he has the United States belt. Not bad for one’s first WrestleMania.
Backstage, Eric Bischoff asks Coach to go find the Undertaker, who has apparently gone missing. Coach is understandably apprehensive. We also see a young John Morrison (Johnny Nitro) hobnobbing with Bischoff.
Randy Orton is promising to finish off Mick Foley. Orton is a member of Evolution, a powerful group led by Triple H and Ric Flair and also involving Batista. Randy does his darndest to sell this, but let’s face it, the guy can’t act. He’s lucky he’s so intimidating. Why couldn’t we watch Mick and The Rock talk?
Tag Time! We’ve got La Resistance, the French bad guys (remember, we’re in 2004. The French have been very naughty and not gone to Iraq). We also have Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak. Who? Whatever. I’m happy to see to see the Dudleys are still fighting the good tag fight. Rob van Dam and Booker T have formed a team, and they hold the titles. It’s kind of sad that Booker T had a title match against Triple H last year and is now in a tag match. It’s criminal how underused some wrestlers are. To no one’s surprise, the Dudleys and RVD and Booker T make this match worth watching. The French slow things right down, because they are lame. RVD and Booker T walk out with their titles still intact. I can’t believe no one was sent through a table. You let me down, Dudleys!
Coach continues on his quest. He stumbles into a comedy bit, the gist of which is that Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah are crazy old ladies. What else is new, WWE?
My beloved Chris Jericho is fighting Christian as a result of a very intricate backstory involving Trish Stratus. You see, Jericho and Christian, who have been fighting as a tag team, made a bet (one Canadian dollar!) to see who would be first to nail Trish or Lita, respectively. But, surprise! Jericho actually developed feelings for Trish! Christian, jerk that he is, firmly believes in the adage “bros before hos.” A wedge has been driven between them, and now they’re going to fight it out at Wrestlemania. That’s how I like to solve all my friendship problems, too.
They put on a good show, as one would expect from two of my favorite blond Canadians. They’re pretty evenly matched and they have similar styles, so it’s interesting to see them play off of each other. Just when we’re thinking that this is never going to end, Trish runs in! For once, I have nothing bad to say about her attire. She costs Y2J the match, though, seemingly by accident. But it turns out there are stunning betrayals afoot! Trish is actually in cahoots with Christian! Shocking! Poor Jericho.
Mick’s got his For Serious face on. It’s his first match in four years, but he’s confident in his partnership with the Rock. The Rock pumps us and Mick up for their match. Randy Orton, this is how you engage an audience.
Evolution enters the ring. Bleh. I’m not a fan of Batista and I am not interested in Ric Flair dragging his career out for as long as he possibly can. This is Batista’s and Orton’s first WrestleMania, incidentally. Mick enters to tumultuous applause. We all love him! The Rock enters for what will be his last WrestleMania appearance.
Everyone comes out swinging before the opponents settle into their corners and some sort of order is restored. Randy acquits himself pretty well. Batista…is big. Let’s get my biases out of the way: I’m not a huge Randy Orton fan. I like him as a villain, but he’s really not an exciting performer. I enjoy him as an antagonist for my heroes. Batista does absolutely nothing that I am interested in.
Mick and Flair engage in some back and forth, which must make Mick feel good. The Rock reminds us all of why we cheer so loudly for him. Flair attempts the People’s Elbow, prompting the Rock to show off some strut. It is a pose-down for the ages. In the end, Mick breaks out Mr. Socko, but Orton gets the win for Evolution. Sad.
Everyone cheers for Mick, though. How can you not love him? The Rock leads everyone in applause. Yay, Rock n’ Sock Connection!
We get a montage of the Hall of Fame ceremony. This always makes me misty eyed, seeing all these old guys who have given so much to the business. There are so many once huge men looking so frail, or children representing parents who died too young. Inducted this year are Bobby Heenan, Tito Santana, John Minton, Harley Race, Pete Rose, Don Muraco, Greg Valentine, Sylvester Ritter (Junkyard Dog), Superstar Billy Graham, Sergeant Slaughter, and Jesse Ventura.
Right, time for a rant. There’s a Playboy Evening Gown match. For real. Women in evening gowns and heels are participating in what is supposed to be an athletic contest. Oh, WWE. This is why I constantly have to justify why I watch you. I am grateful that Cole and Tazz are taking this one and I don’t have to listen to King salivate. Wait...hang on. They’re taking off the evening gowns to wrestle in lingerie. And they’re also taking off the heels. That is so much more practical. Well done, ladies. This match involved flailing and posing. What a fantastic display of women as legitimate athletes and competitors in wrestling. Look, I know this is a good way to draw in the mostly male wrestling audience. No one is better than the WWE at giving the people what they want. But sometimes it sickens me that that’s all they do: read the crowds and respond accordingly. They will not actively try to change the status quo. As long as the majority of men rate fluff over substance, the company will find no reason to push the women who can actually wrestle. So come on, guys. I can yell and write angry letters until my arms fall off; one feminist isn’t going to change anything. Men, as they make up the largest portion of the audience, have the power here. Support the women. Pay attention during their title matches. Make signs utilizing phrases other than “[blonde with large breasts] is hot.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s nothing wrong with appreciating the pretty bits of wrestling. But there’s got to be some respect there as well. Rant over.
I will now cry as Eddie Guerrero gives Chris Benoit a pep talk backstage. He’s all, “I believe in you, man! You can do this!” They talk about how long they’ve known each other and how they drive each other to do better. It’s all very touching.
There’s a Cruiserweight Open Match, in an effort to cram in as many people into this WrestleMania as possible. It operates kind of the same as a gauntlet match, with a new man entering when another is eliminated. Chavo enters as champion. The rest of the match includes Nunzio, a member of the Full Blooded Italians, Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio, Funaki, Shannon Moore, Ultimo Dragon, Billy Kidman, and Rey Mysterio (channeling Flash this year). Ultimo Dragon and Moore start. I am entranced by Ultimo Dragon’s sparkly gold ensemble. It’s hypnotizing. Jamie Noble gives it a good go before being eliminated. Then Rey impresses us with his flipping about, as he does. I love Chavo as a villain. He’s such a sneaky jerk. He wins by cheating, of course, with the help of his equally dastardly father.
Brock Lesnar and Goldberg will be fighting in a battle of enormous men. Stone Cold is also involved in this feud; he’ll be appearing as a Special Gust Referee. Austin rides in on a quad, because he’s just badass like that. The crowd informs Lesnar that he sold out. Everyone knows that he’ll soon be off to the land of football. They get really nasty, actually, singing, “Na na na na, Good-Bye!” Lesnar looks pissed, but it’s his fault for thinking he can do better. The crowd isn’t too fond of Goldberg either, though he has more support than Lesnar. It takes a while for the match to start, waiting for the taunts at Lesnar and the cheers for Austin to die down. Honestly, it’s a boring match, as Goldberg and Lesnar mostly stand around and try to intimidate each other. There’s a lot of staring and posturing. Rory posits that it’s a way to get back at the fans: refusing to give them a good match. Goldberg eventually wins. Then Lesnar flips off the crowd and Austin. However, Stone Cold gets in a Stunner, much to everyone’s delight. Then, after sharing a beer with Goldberg, Austin Stuns HIM too! Everyone is oh, so happy as we watch Stone Cold down his beers by himself.
Sudden Death Fatal Fourway for the WWE Tag Titles. I am momentarily confused at this second Tag Title match, until I remember that there was a time when there were two sets of Tag titles. Those were the days…Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty come in as the champions. OMG! Who expected to see Scotty 2 Hotty at WrestleMania again? Certainly not me. They will be defending against APA, still going strong, though Bradshaw has ditched his facial hair. We also have The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin) and the Basham Brothers.
Shelton Benjamin still doesn’t get to be very Shelton Benjamin-esque. Someone get that man a ladder! He does, however, prevent Scotty 2 Hotty from going through with The Worm. Thank you, Shelton Benjamin! He and Charlie Haas are also an excellent tag team. I quite enjoy this match. All the teams put on a good show, keeping up a quick pace. There’s lots of tagging, which I appreciate. In the end, Rikishi and Scotty retain. They celebrate with a dance, which I don’t begrudge them.
Edge is injured this year, but there is a little video announcing his return. Hurray! There aren’t nearly enough blond Canadians around here.
For some reason Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump. I fail to see how this is necessary other than to pander to New York even more and push Ventura’s political agenda.
And now a match for women who are good at something other than prancing around in their underwear. Victoria holds the Women’s Championship and Molly Holly must either take it from her or lose her hair. My, aren’t the stakes high. For some reason, in the wrestling world getting your head shaved is deemed to be rather dire. Molly Holly has the most sensible ring attire I have seen yet.
I am deeply annoyed by the complete lack of response this match is getting from the crowd. What gives, New York? Are we intimidated by women who can actually wrestle? JR desperately tries to keep Lawler on track but he’s fighting a losing battle. Both of these women are talented but I have to admit that this match is slow. It doesn’t help that the crowd is so lame. When the match ends I feel like it hasn’t even started. Victoria wins, but Molly objects to losing her hair. She ends up being strapped into a barber’s chair as Victoria shaves her head. I don’t know why she makes such a fuss. She looks perfectly fine with a shaved head. This is all rather ridiculous. Even the serious women’s match is silly this year.
Kurt Angle will now battle Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Championship. Kurt is still a big jerk, naturally. He hates that Eddie is champion and he is disappointed that we all look up to man whose mantra is Lie, Cheat, and Steal. Kurt and Eddie both have their For Serious faces on. It’s rather intimidating.
Eddie tries to speed the match up while Kurt tries to slow it down. It’s fun watching both of them try to sway the match to favour their individual styles. Kurt manages to get the upper hand, but Eddie will not stay down and manages to gather some momentum for himself. Then they take turns leading the match and I have no idea how this one is going to turn out. They’re both attacking and countering and everything is shifting and I can’t be certain of anything. I love it! There are some moments of extreme tension as we wonder if Eddie will tap to the ankle lock. He doesn’t, and keeps his title. That was a damn good match.
It’s brother versus brother as Kane takes on the Undertaker. It seems that Kane buried the Undertaker alive at Survivor Series because Kane was upset by his brother’s biker persona. Kane only wants a monster for a brother, not an American badass. Sounds totally reasonable to me! Unfortunately Kane forgot that the Undertaker, being dead and all, can’t really be killed. That’s quite an oversight, Kane.
I love the entire Undertaker/Kane story. It’s rather literary, if you think about it. Especially Kane. He hates his brother, yet tries to emulate him. He claims that the Undertaker ruins everything, but he can never fully separate himself from his brother. The Undertaker, in turn, is sometimes angered by Kane and sometimes seems really not to know what to do with him. Here, for instance, he just looks disappointed and a little disbelieving that Kane actually thought he could kill the Deadman.
Oh hey, Paul Bearer is here! Haven’t seen you in ages, Uncle Paul. He and the druids precede Taker to the ring, chanting and whatnot. Of course, now that the Undertaker is back in his Deadman persona his entrance takes about two days to complete. Wrap it up, Taker!
Kane is dismayed by his brother’s appearance. Kane has the best reaction faces. He also briefly manages to get the upper hand, but this is Wrestlemania and we all know how this is going to end. The Undertaker is now 12-0.
It’s Main Event time. It’s a Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight title, held by Triple H. Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble, so he automatically got a match against Triple H. Shawn Michaels just kind of muscled his way in via his history with Triple H, which they are trying to “finish” or some such nonsense. Benoit is announced as being from Georgia, in one of the WWE’s more ludicrous ret-con attempts. Benoit is a good guy, you see, and at this point good guys can’t be from Canada. Remember, it’s 2004 and Canada has refused to join the United States in Iraq. Christian, being a double crossing jerk, is still allowed to be from Toronto. Whatever, WWE.
Benoit and Michaels take centre stage early on, until Triple H decides to participate. The match is intense and pretty well structured—usually with one man recovering while the other two fight it out. I must say, I take a great deal of pride in watching a fellow Albertan go head to head against the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, and as the crowd favorite. Things get messy as the men grow more desperate. Michaels and Benoit are both bleeding. All three men end up on top of the Spanish announcers’ table, but it’s Tazz and Cole’s table that actually goes down as Benoit is slammed through it.
It looks like that’s about it for the Wolverine. The prevailing attitude seems to be that now it’s come down to Hunter and Shawn the match is really going to start, a sentiment that I resent on Benoit’s behalf. Let’s not forget that he had a right to this match. Shawn is the one who insinuated himself in.
When it looks like Triple H has got it in the bag, however, Benoit launches himself back into the fray. Everyone is so beat up at this point; I hate to think how sore they’re all going to be in the morning. The canvas has red blotches all over it from the blood—gross. There are an incredible amount of counters going on. I’m amazed that any of them have any stamina left. And then, just as I’m predicting a Triple H win, he taps to Benoit’s cross-face.
Wait. What? Triple H tapped? He tapped and lost his title? At WrestleMania? Hunter haters take note.
After I get over my amazement, I watch Benoit raise his new title in the air. He’s so happy, and we’re all happy for him. JR yells himself hoarse telling us how great this is. Sing it, JR! And then…oh, man. Eddie’s there with his title. He hugs Benoit and they’re crying and laughing as everyone cheers and the confetti falls. I, of course, am crying my eyes out. The image of them standing there looking so happy and alive is hard to watch. And yet, it’s incredibly uplifting at the same time.
Damn it, that was a great WrestleMania. There were some false notes, and what felt like a million title matches. But the matches that were good were really good, so who cares about stupid Brock Lesnar and lame evening gown matches? The storylines were all nicely complex and I enjoyed myself a great deal. It’s weird that Coach’s quest ended up going nowhere and pretty much being forgotten. But there was no ref abuse this year and the Spanish announcers’ table came through intact. Well done, WrestleMania 20!
