It’s the 20th anniversary, and we’re back where it all started—in Madison Square Garden in New York. This promises to be epic.
JR and Lawler are besuited and ready to go, joined again by Tazz and Cole. Cole, I’m pleased to report, does not look ridiculous.
It’s John Cena’s first WrestleMania! He’s opening against the Big Show, who holds the United States Championship. Cena is also showcasing his ridiculous original white rapper persona. I’m so glad he ditched this. You look silly, John!
But it’ll be all main events from here on out, so you must be doing something right. Cole reminds us that Big Show has been around the block a few times and accomplished many things, something that many people, including me, find it easy to forget.
It looks like Big Show pretty much has this one in the bag from the beginning. What I like about the Big Show is that he’s a huge guy, but he can also move. Show pretty much carries Cena through this match. Cena, however, mounts what will be the first of many WrestleMania Miraculous Comebacks. He also lifts the Big Show onto his shoulders twice, which--wow. John Cena is insanely strong. And now he has the United States belt. Not bad for one’s first WrestleMania.
Backstage, Eric Bischoff asks Coach to go find the Undertaker, who has apparently gone missing. Coach is understandably apprehensive. We also see a young John Morrison (Johnny Nitro) hobnobbing with Bischoff.
Randy Orton is promising to finish off Mick Foley. Orton is a member of Evolution, a powerful group led by Triple H and Ric Flair and also involving Batista. Randy does his darndest to sell this, but let’s face it, the guy can’t act. He’s lucky he’s so intimidating. Why couldn’t we watch Mick and The Rock talk?
Tag Time! We’ve got La Resistance, the French bad guys (remember, we’re in 2004. The French have been very naughty and not gone to Iraq). We also have Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak. Who? Whatever. I’m happy to see to see the Dudleys are still fighting the good tag fight. Rob van Dam and Booker T have formed a team, and they hold the titles. It’s kind of sad that Booker T had a title match against Triple H last year and is now in a tag match. It’s criminal how underused some wrestlers are. To no one’s surprise, the Dudleys and RVD and Booker T make this match worth watching. The French slow things right down, because they are lame. RVD and Booker T walk out with their titles still intact. I can’t believe no one was sent through a table. You let me down, Dudleys!
Coach continues on his quest. He stumbles into a comedy bit, the gist of which is that Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah are crazy old ladies. What else is new, WWE?
My beloved Chris Jericho is fighting Christian as a result of a very intricate backstory involving Trish Stratus. You see, Jericho and Christian, who have been fighting as a tag team, made a bet (one Canadian dollar!) to see who would be first to nail Trish or Lita, respectively. But, surprise! Jericho actually developed feelings for Trish! Christian, jerk that he is, firmly believes in the adage “bros before hos.” A wedge has been driven between them, and now they’re going to fight it out at Wrestlemania. That’s how I like to solve all my friendship problems, too.
They put on a good show, as one would expect from two of my favorite blond Canadians. They’re pretty evenly matched and they have similar styles, so it’s interesting to see them play off of each other. Just when we’re thinking that this is never going to end, Trish runs in! For once, I have nothing bad to say about her attire. She costs Y2J the match, though, seemingly by accident. But it turns out there are stunning betrayals afoot! Trish is actually in cahoots with Christian! Shocking! Poor Jericho.
Mick’s got his For Serious face on. It’s his first match in four years, but he’s confident in his partnership with the Rock. The Rock pumps us and Mick up for their match. Randy Orton, this is how you engage an audience.
Evolution enters the ring. Bleh. I’m not a fan of Batista and I am not interested in Ric Flair dragging his career out for as long as he possibly can. This is Batista’s and Orton’s first WrestleMania, incidentally. Mick enters to tumultuous applause. We all love him! The Rock enters for what will be his last WrestleMania appearance.
Everyone comes out swinging before the opponents settle into their corners and some sort of order is restored. Randy acquits himself pretty well. Batista…is big. Let’s get my biases out of the way: I’m not a huge Randy Orton fan. I like him as a villain, but he’s really not an exciting performer. I enjoy him as an antagonist for my heroes. Batista does absolutely nothing that I am interested in.
Mick and Flair engage in some back and forth, which must make Mick feel good. The Rock reminds us all of why we cheer so loudly for him. Flair attempts the People’s Elbow, prompting the Rock to show off some strut. It is a pose-down for the ages. In the end, Mick breaks out Mr. Socko, but Orton gets the win for Evolution. Sad.
Everyone cheers for Mick, though. How can you not love him? The Rock leads everyone in applause. Yay, Rock n’ Sock Connection!
We get a montage of the Hall of Fame ceremony. This always makes me misty eyed, seeing all these old guys who have given so much to the business. There are so many once huge men looking so frail, or children representing parents who died too young. Inducted this year are Bobby Heenan, Tito Santana, John Minton, Harley Race, Pete Rose, Don Muraco, Greg Valentine, Sylvester Ritter (Junkyard Dog), Superstar Billy Graham, Sergeant Slaughter, and Jesse Ventura.
Right, time for a rant. There’s a Playboy Evening Gown match. For real. Women in evening gowns and heels are participating in what is supposed to be an athletic contest. Oh, WWE. This is why I constantly have to justify why I watch you. I am grateful that Cole and Tazz are taking this one and I don’t have to listen to King salivate. Wait...hang on. They’re taking off the evening gowns to wrestle in lingerie. And they’re also taking off the heels. That is so much more practical. Well done, ladies. This match involved flailing and posing. What a fantastic display of women as legitimate athletes and competitors in wrestling. Look, I know this is a good way to draw in the mostly male wrestling audience. No one is better than the WWE at giving the people what they want. But sometimes it sickens me that that’s all they do: read the crowds and respond accordingly. They will not actively try to change the status quo. As long as the majority of men rate fluff over substance, the company will find no reason to push the women who can actually wrestle. So come on, guys. I can yell and write angry letters until my arms fall off; one feminist isn’t going to change anything. Men, as they make up the largest portion of the audience, have the power here. Support the women. Pay attention during their title matches. Make signs utilizing phrases other than “[blonde with large breasts] is hot.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s nothing wrong with appreciating the pretty bits of wrestling. But there’s got to be some respect there as well. Rant over.
I will now cry as Eddie Guerrero gives Chris Benoit a pep talk backstage. He’s all, “I believe in you, man! You can do this!” They talk about how long they’ve known each other and how they drive each other to do better. It’s all very touching.
There’s a Cruiserweight Open Match, in an effort to cram in as many people into this WrestleMania as possible. It operates kind of the same as a gauntlet match, with a new man entering when another is eliminated. Chavo enters as champion. The rest of the match includes Nunzio, a member of the Full Blooded Italians, Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio, Funaki, Shannon Moore, Ultimo Dragon, Billy Kidman, and Rey Mysterio (channeling Flash this year). Ultimo Dragon and Moore start. I am entranced by Ultimo Dragon’s sparkly gold ensemble. It’s hypnotizing. Jamie Noble gives it a good go before being eliminated. Then Rey impresses us with his flipping about, as he does. I love Chavo as a villain. He’s such a sneaky jerk. He wins by cheating, of course, with the help of his equally dastardly father.
Brock Lesnar and Goldberg will be fighting in a battle of enormous men. Stone Cold is also involved in this feud; he’ll be appearing as a Special Gust Referee. Austin rides in on a quad, because he’s just badass like that. The crowd informs Lesnar that he sold out. Everyone knows that he’ll soon be off to the land of football. They get really nasty, actually, singing, “Na na na na, Good-Bye!” Lesnar looks pissed, but it’s his fault for thinking he can do better. The crowd isn’t too fond of Goldberg either, though he has more support than Lesnar. It takes a while for the match to start, waiting for the taunts at Lesnar and the cheers for Austin to die down. Honestly, it’s a boring match, as Goldberg and Lesnar mostly stand around and try to intimidate each other. There’s a lot of staring and posturing. Rory posits that it’s a way to get back at the fans: refusing to give them a good match. Goldberg eventually wins. Then Lesnar flips off the crowd and Austin. However, Stone Cold gets in a Stunner, much to everyone’s delight. Then, after sharing a beer with Goldberg, Austin Stuns HIM too! Everyone is oh, so happy as we watch Stone Cold down his beers by himself.
Sudden Death Fatal Fourway for the WWE Tag Titles. I am momentarily confused at this second Tag Title match, until I remember that there was a time when there were two sets of Tag titles. Those were the days…Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty come in as the champions. OMG! Who expected to see Scotty 2 Hotty at WrestleMania again? Certainly not me. They will be defending against APA, still going strong, though Bradshaw has ditched his facial hair. We also have The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin) and the Basham Brothers.
Shelton Benjamin still doesn’t get to be very Shelton Benjamin-esque. Someone get that man a ladder! He does, however, prevent Scotty 2 Hotty from going through with The Worm. Thank you, Shelton Benjamin! He and Charlie Haas are also an excellent tag team. I quite enjoy this match. All the teams put on a good show, keeping up a quick pace. There’s lots of tagging, which I appreciate. In the end, Rikishi and Scotty retain. They celebrate with a dance, which I don’t begrudge them.
Edge is injured this year, but there is a little video announcing his return. Hurray! There aren’t nearly enough blond Canadians around here.
For some reason Jesse Ventura interviews Donald Trump. I fail to see how this is necessary other than to pander to New York even more and push Ventura’s political agenda.
And now a match for women who are good at something other than prancing around in their underwear. Victoria holds the Women’s Championship and Molly Holly must either take it from her or lose her hair. My, aren’t the stakes high. For some reason, in the wrestling world getting your head shaved is deemed to be rather dire. Molly Holly has the most sensible ring attire I have seen yet.
I am deeply annoyed by the complete lack of response this match is getting from the crowd. What gives, New York? Are we intimidated by women who can actually wrestle? JR desperately tries to keep Lawler on track but he’s fighting a losing battle. Both of these women are talented but I have to admit that this match is slow. It doesn’t help that the crowd is so lame. When the match ends I feel like it hasn’t even started. Victoria wins, but Molly objects to losing her hair. She ends up being strapped into a barber’s chair as Victoria shaves her head. I don’t know why she makes such a fuss. She looks perfectly fine with a shaved head. This is all rather ridiculous. Even the serious women’s match is silly this year.
Kurt Angle will now battle Eddie Guerrero for the WWE Championship. Kurt is still a big jerk, naturally. He hates that Eddie is champion and he is disappointed that we all look up to man whose mantra is Lie, Cheat, and Steal. Kurt and Eddie both have their For Serious faces on. It’s rather intimidating.
Eddie tries to speed the match up while Kurt tries to slow it down. It’s fun watching both of them try to sway the match to favour their individual styles. Kurt manages to get the upper hand, but Eddie will not stay down and manages to gather some momentum for himself. Then they take turns leading the match and I have no idea how this one is going to turn out. They’re both attacking and countering and everything is shifting and I can’t be certain of anything. I love it! There are some moments of extreme tension as we wonder if Eddie will tap to the ankle lock. He doesn’t, and keeps his title. That was a damn good match.
It’s brother versus brother as Kane takes on the Undertaker. It seems that Kane buried the Undertaker alive at Survivor Series because Kane was upset by his brother’s biker persona. Kane only wants a monster for a brother, not an American badass. Sounds totally reasonable to me! Unfortunately Kane forgot that the Undertaker, being dead and all, can’t really be killed. That’s quite an oversight, Kane.
I love the entire Undertaker/Kane story. It’s rather literary, if you think about it. Especially Kane. He hates his brother, yet tries to emulate him. He claims that the Undertaker ruins everything, but he can never fully separate himself from his brother. The Undertaker, in turn, is sometimes angered by Kane and sometimes seems really not to know what to do with him. Here, for instance, he just looks disappointed and a little disbelieving that Kane actually thought he could kill the Deadman.
Oh hey, Paul Bearer is here! Haven’t seen you in ages, Uncle Paul. He and the druids precede Taker to the ring, chanting and whatnot. Of course, now that the Undertaker is back in his Deadman persona his entrance takes about two days to complete. Wrap it up, Taker!
Kane is dismayed by his brother’s appearance. Kane has the best reaction faces. He also briefly manages to get the upper hand, but this is Wrestlemania and we all know how this is going to end. The Undertaker is now 12-0.
It’s Main Event time. It’s a Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight title, held by Triple H. Chris Benoit won the Royal Rumble, so he automatically got a match against Triple H. Shawn Michaels just kind of muscled his way in via his history with Triple H, which they are trying to “finish” or some such nonsense. Benoit is announced as being from Georgia, in one of the WWE’s more ludicrous ret-con attempts. Benoit is a good guy, you see, and at this point good guys can’t be from Canada. Remember, it’s 2004 and Canada has refused to join the United States in Iraq. Christian, being a double crossing jerk, is still allowed to be from Toronto. Whatever, WWE.
Benoit and Michaels take centre stage early on, until Triple H decides to participate. The match is intense and pretty well structured—usually with one man recovering while the other two fight it out. I must say, I take a great deal of pride in watching a fellow Albertan go head to head against the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, and as the crowd favorite. Things get messy as the men grow more desperate. Michaels and Benoit are both bleeding. All three men end up on top of the Spanish announcers’ table, but it’s Tazz and Cole’s table that actually goes down as Benoit is slammed through it.
It looks like that’s about it for the Wolverine. The prevailing attitude seems to be that now it’s come down to Hunter and Shawn the match is really going to start, a sentiment that I resent on Benoit’s behalf. Let’s not forget that he had a right to this match. Shawn is the one who insinuated himself in.
When it looks like Triple H has got it in the bag, however, Benoit launches himself back into the fray. Everyone is so beat up at this point; I hate to think how sore they’re all going to be in the morning. The canvas has red blotches all over it from the blood—gross. There are an incredible amount of counters going on. I’m amazed that any of them have any stamina left. And then, just as I’m predicting a Triple H win, he taps to Benoit’s cross-face.
Wait. What? Triple H tapped? He tapped and lost his title? At WrestleMania? Hunter haters take note.
After I get over my amazement, I watch Benoit raise his new title in the air. He’s so happy, and we’re all happy for him. JR yells himself hoarse telling us how great this is. Sing it, JR! And then…oh, man. Eddie’s there with his title. He hugs Benoit and they’re crying and laughing as everyone cheers and the confetti falls. I, of course, am crying my eyes out. The image of them standing there looking so happy and alive is hard to watch. And yet, it’s incredibly uplifting at the same time.
Damn it, that was a great WrestleMania. There were some false notes, and what felt like a million title matches. But the matches that were good were really good, so who cares about stupid Brock Lesnar and lame evening gown matches? The storylines were all nicely complex and I enjoyed myself a great deal. It’s weird that Coach’s quest ended up going nowhere and pretty much being forgotten. But there was no ref abuse this year and the Spanish announcers’ table came through intact. Well done, WrestleMania 20!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
WrestleMania 19 (2003)
I’m really coming to love these opening montages, listening to the old and new wrestlers talk about how defining WrestleMania is. They go through a lot to get to this point, just for the privilege of giving their all for our entertainment.
Limp Bizkit sings us into Seattle. Wow. Limp Bizkit is still relevant here. Sorry, I’m just going to flash back to high school now.
JR’s got his John Wayne cufflinks on and Lawler’s in his best tacky ensemble. This must be WrestleMania! This year they will be joined by the Smackdown commentators. Tazz is looking nifty in a suit, and Michael Cole is…well, he’s trying. Vintage Cole!
It’s Rey Mysterio’s first WrestleMania! And so begins the tradition of his extremely detailed WrestleMania ring attire. This year he's channeling Daredevil, so Rey’s working a deep red hue and a horned mask with white coloured contact lenses. Daredevil Rey is fighting Matt Hardy, flying solo this year. Matt holds the Cruiserweight title. Rey does his thing—flying around like a masked hummingbird. This is back when Matt Hardy could move better than he can now, so it’s a good match.
Confession time: I used to love Matt Hardy, and I have no idea why. There’s no particular reason why he should stand out in my affections, yet I can't help feeling nostaligic for ol’ Matt. Maybe it’s because all the fan girls like Jeff. There was Jeff falling off ladders (big deal!), being artsy and whatever, while Matt was working away in the background and, you know, not failing drug tests.
Anyway, Matt wins in an underhanded manner, aided by his cohort Shannon Moore. I miss the Cruiserweight belt.
Limp Bizkit sings “Rollin’” Oh my god, do you all remember this song? I loved this song! At the end of the song, the Undertaker rolls in on his motorcycle, replete with an enormous American flag. Biker Taker is now the Ultra American Badass. He’s fighting in a handicap match (two on one) against the Big Show and A-Train. Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me that we have already met A-Train—he was partnered with Test, under the name of Albert, at WrestleMania 2000. Kudos to Rory for spotting that!
After being the underdog for much of the match, Taker takes this one. Not only is it WrestleMania (where, as you remember, he never loses), but the United States is now entrenched in Iraq. A win for Super Patriotic Yet Badass Undertaker is good for morale. He waves the flag around, and we all look forward to a quick victory in the Middle East. You can learn a lot about world affairs by watching wrestling, actually, just by paying attention to who the good guys and bad guys are.
The women are fighting early this year. Lawler has an aneurism as Trish Stratus enters the ring. Her ring attire looks terribly impractical. I will spend this entire match hoping that her top is more secure than it looks. Jazz is here again too, looking formidable and awesome. The Champion coming in is Victoria, employing a psychotic persona and accompanied by a male lackey, Steven Richards. JR talks about what great athletes these ladies are and King…well, never mind what King says. This is another excellent effort from the women; I would say it’s even better than last year because Trish is on more equal footing. Not being built like Jazz and Victoria, she’s finding her own style. She’s still not the best in the ring, but she picks up the title anyway. And look how far Ms. Stratus has come in four years: From bit of fluff, to player in the McMahon family drama, to a legitimate contender, to title winner. It’s all up from here, Trish!
This year The Rock is being painted as a villain for having a movie career and turning his back on the fans. He is determined to beat Stone Cold this year, as he has never done it at WrestleMania. God, I miss The Rock running his mouth.
Tag Time! Los Guerreros are here, consisting of Eddie and his nephew Chavo. Yay, Chavo! In the present Chavo is…well, he’s lucky if he gets a match, so it’s awesome to see him here. They’re fighting Chris Benoit and Rhyno, as well as the current title holders, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, the World's Greatest Tag Team and members of Team Angle. Yay, Shelton Benjamin! We’ll be oohing and ahhing over Shelton Benjamin’s awesomeness in ladder matches to come. The rules are the same as the Four Corners match last year—two men in the ring at a time, anyone can tag anyone. Eddie and Benoit go head to head, and their confrontation is probably the best of the match. However, Team Angle wins.
Something possessed my beloved Chris Jericho to grow some awful facial hair. It’s…bad. If he wasn’t Chris Jericho, I might be tempted to call that growth on his chin downright unattractive. Aesthetic concerns aside, this year he will be assisting Shawn Michaels in his comeback. Y2J is playing the arrogant upstart who once idolized the Heartbreak Kid, but now feels that he has surpassed his hero. He promises to end HBK’s career. Shawn will attempt to prove that he’s still got it, and that we were all right to welcome him back with open arms. This promises to be a real battle of the gaudy ring attire!
I am excited for this match (yeah, yeah, when am I not excited for a Jericho match?). I don’t think it’s an accident that I loved Shawn Michaels as a child (until he betrayed Diesel, of course. That shattered me!) and that Chris Jericho is my favorite as an adult. The similarities are there—the flashy ring attire, the loads of charisma, the mic skills, the wrestling skills, the three letter name abbreviations. They are both such pro performers. Lawler goes back to his young lion/old lion analogy, doing a better job of spitting it out this year.
Jericho engages in my favorite form of cheap heat—imitating his opponent’s signature moves and poses. This is my favorite type of match—a complex backstory leading to real emotional investment, carried out by performers who can also put on a good physical show. This is exhausting to watch; they’re both putting absolutely everything out there. Jericho is at his bad guy best, trying to show that he deserves the crowd’s adulation even while making it clear that he hates them for cheering Michaels. All Shawn has to do is be likeable, and he certainly has no problems there! He feeds off the energy of the crowd and beats Jericho, who is left to stew in the knowledge that we love HBK more than him (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”).
Limp Bizkit is going to shill their new album while we all recover from the greatness that was that last match.
And now, *sigh,* a “Catfight.” Yes, because after the sheer, fierce athleticism of Jazz, Victoria, and Trish, we must remind the audience that women are, in fact, objects, and that’s all they want to be. Sure, there are some freakish women in the company who actually know how to wrestle, but have no fear! There are still women out there who desire nothing more than to have you salivate over them. I hate this. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having beautiful faces to look at. Look at the way I go on about Chris Jericho! The difference is that Chris Jericho is also a brilliant wrestler and he is presented as such. The men do not do sexy, themed photo shoots. They don’t pose in Playgirl. They aren’t paraded around as vapid hunks of meat (well, not anymore). The men are (generally) expected to have the in-ring ability to earn their paychecks. And if they don’t have the ability, they’ve got the charisma to win the crowd over (I love you, John Cena!). Women like Jazz, Victoria, and their counterparts in the present have to work so damn hard to get good matches and equal representation. It just burns me up to see the lowest common denominator pandered to like this.
Anyway, after that bit of nonsense, Triple H will now be defending his World Championship against Booker T. They’re really playing up Triple H’s original Hunter Hearst Helmsley rich boy character to better contrast Booker’s humble background. Ric Flair is here as Hunter’s mentor. I really like Booker T, and I wish I had watched WCW so that I could have seen him when he was top dog. Lawler has slid into his heel role, talking up Triple H and deriding Booker T with gusto. He gets in some digs at WCW’s expense too, much to Vince’s probable delight. Honestly, his back and forth with JR is probably one of the best parts of this match.
After what feels like a very lengthy match, Triple H retains his title. I could be mistaken, but I think this was at the point when it felt like Triple H always had a title. And if he lost, he wouldn’t lose cleanly. Just from watching this one match, I kind of felt that. Yeah.
Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan are fighting over who made WrestleMania, and the WWE, what it is. Apparently a lot of bad blood has been built up between them over the years, and now they’re going to settle things. I have to admit, I am not overly excited to see these two men fight. They’re both past (well past) their prime and, as I’ve discussed before, I’m happier when a McMahon isn’t trying to shoehorn his or her self into things. Hogan had a big match last year; the crowd can only go nuts so many times. And the fact that both of these men are still so muscular just freaks me out. I’m almost positive they’ve had some steroidal aid. Well, Vince, anyway. Hogan looks much smaller and more natural than he did in his heyday. There’s no way Vince’s build is natural.
The match mostly involves Hogan and Vince throwing each other into things and hitting each other with foreign objects, because there’s not much else either one can do. I’m really not one for “Let’s see who can bleed more!” matches unless Mick Foley is involved. At one point Hogan goes to hit Vince with a chair but Vince ducks and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers! That was totally uncalled for! And then Vince drops onto Hogan from atop a ladder, right through the Spanish announce table. I am relieved to see an official tending to the announcer. Finally, some respect!
Then Roddy Piper comes out of nowhere for some reason. He can’t decide whether to attack Vince or Hogan. The crowd cheers him; nostalgia makes us forget that he’s the ultimate bad guy. After beating Hogan with a lead pipe (now we boo him!), he leaves Mr. McMahon to finish the job. Unfortunately for Vince, this is WrestleMania, and no one wants to see him win. Hogan activates his Miraculous Comeback powers and takes down the boss.
We will now watch Stone Cold Steve Austin’s very last match. He had been wrestling despite doctor’s orders for years, yet he’s still going to give his all in this match.
The remaining Spanish announcer hasn’t even been given a replacement table. He’s just hanging out in a corner all by himself. Poor guy.
I have a hard time getting invested in this match, and I can’t figure out why. The Rock wins without too much of a battle. It was a good enough match, and I should have enjoyed it more than I did. The Rock! Stone Cold! Stone Cold’s last match! Maybe I’m just tired. I wish they had actually billed this as his last match, as he didn’t get enough fanfare while exiting the ring.
The main event this year involves Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar fighting for the WWE Championship belt, held by Angle. Whatever, Brock Lesnar. Apparently he prefers real fighting to the awesomeness of fake fighting. From what I’m gathering from the clip package, this is actually a pretty interesting feud. Rory points out that Lesnar has come out of absolutely nowhere to main-event in his first WrestleMania, which makes us resent him more.
These guys are both really good athletes. There are many wrestling holds and feats of strength. Lesnar gets thrown around an awful lot by Kurt. How fake does it feel having your face slammed into the mat, Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. My taunts at Lesnar aside, this is an excellent match. Brock Lesnar attempts a shooting star press from the top rope. He whiffs it, but it still looks impressive. Can’t do that in real fighting, can you Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Lesnar wins the title, in his very first WrestleMania. Angle and Lesnar both look absolutely drained after that. They even share a man hug afterward!
That was probably the most satisfying WrestleMania yet, catfights and poor facial hair aside. There weren’t as many matches as previously, but they were of excellent quality.
Limp Bizkit sings us into Seattle. Wow. Limp Bizkit is still relevant here. Sorry, I’m just going to flash back to high school now.
JR’s got his John Wayne cufflinks on and Lawler’s in his best tacky ensemble. This must be WrestleMania! This year they will be joined by the Smackdown commentators. Tazz is looking nifty in a suit, and Michael Cole is…well, he’s trying. Vintage Cole!
It’s Rey Mysterio’s first WrestleMania! And so begins the tradition of his extremely detailed WrestleMania ring attire. This year he's channeling Daredevil, so Rey’s working a deep red hue and a horned mask with white coloured contact lenses. Daredevil Rey is fighting Matt Hardy, flying solo this year. Matt holds the Cruiserweight title. Rey does his thing—flying around like a masked hummingbird. This is back when Matt Hardy could move better than he can now, so it’s a good match.
Confession time: I used to love Matt Hardy, and I have no idea why. There’s no particular reason why he should stand out in my affections, yet I can't help feeling nostaligic for ol’ Matt. Maybe it’s because all the fan girls like Jeff. There was Jeff falling off ladders (big deal!), being artsy and whatever, while Matt was working away in the background and, you know, not failing drug tests.
Anyway, Matt wins in an underhanded manner, aided by his cohort Shannon Moore. I miss the Cruiserweight belt.
Limp Bizkit sings “Rollin’” Oh my god, do you all remember this song? I loved this song! At the end of the song, the Undertaker rolls in on his motorcycle, replete with an enormous American flag. Biker Taker is now the Ultra American Badass. He’s fighting in a handicap match (two on one) against the Big Show and A-Train. Fun Fact: Wikipedia tells me that we have already met A-Train—he was partnered with Test, under the name of Albert, at WrestleMania 2000. Kudos to Rory for spotting that!
After being the underdog for much of the match, Taker takes this one. Not only is it WrestleMania (where, as you remember, he never loses), but the United States is now entrenched in Iraq. A win for Super Patriotic Yet Badass Undertaker is good for morale. He waves the flag around, and we all look forward to a quick victory in the Middle East. You can learn a lot about world affairs by watching wrestling, actually, just by paying attention to who the good guys and bad guys are.
The women are fighting early this year. Lawler has an aneurism as Trish Stratus enters the ring. Her ring attire looks terribly impractical. I will spend this entire match hoping that her top is more secure than it looks. Jazz is here again too, looking formidable and awesome. The Champion coming in is Victoria, employing a psychotic persona and accompanied by a male lackey, Steven Richards. JR talks about what great athletes these ladies are and King…well, never mind what King says. This is another excellent effort from the women; I would say it’s even better than last year because Trish is on more equal footing. Not being built like Jazz and Victoria, she’s finding her own style. She’s still not the best in the ring, but she picks up the title anyway. And look how far Ms. Stratus has come in four years: From bit of fluff, to player in the McMahon family drama, to a legitimate contender, to title winner. It’s all up from here, Trish!
This year The Rock is being painted as a villain for having a movie career and turning his back on the fans. He is determined to beat Stone Cold this year, as he has never done it at WrestleMania. God, I miss The Rock running his mouth.
Tag Time! Los Guerreros are here, consisting of Eddie and his nephew Chavo. Yay, Chavo! In the present Chavo is…well, he’s lucky if he gets a match, so it’s awesome to see him here. They’re fighting Chris Benoit and Rhyno, as well as the current title holders, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, the World's Greatest Tag Team and members of Team Angle. Yay, Shelton Benjamin! We’ll be oohing and ahhing over Shelton Benjamin’s awesomeness in ladder matches to come. The rules are the same as the Four Corners match last year—two men in the ring at a time, anyone can tag anyone. Eddie and Benoit go head to head, and their confrontation is probably the best of the match. However, Team Angle wins.
Something possessed my beloved Chris Jericho to grow some awful facial hair. It’s…bad. If he wasn’t Chris Jericho, I might be tempted to call that growth on his chin downright unattractive. Aesthetic concerns aside, this year he will be assisting Shawn Michaels in his comeback. Y2J is playing the arrogant upstart who once idolized the Heartbreak Kid, but now feels that he has surpassed his hero. He promises to end HBK’s career. Shawn will attempt to prove that he’s still got it, and that we were all right to welcome him back with open arms. This promises to be a real battle of the gaudy ring attire!
I am excited for this match (yeah, yeah, when am I not excited for a Jericho match?). I don’t think it’s an accident that I loved Shawn Michaels as a child (until he betrayed Diesel, of course. That shattered me!) and that Chris Jericho is my favorite as an adult. The similarities are there—the flashy ring attire, the loads of charisma, the mic skills, the wrestling skills, the three letter name abbreviations. They are both such pro performers. Lawler goes back to his young lion/old lion analogy, doing a better job of spitting it out this year.
Jericho engages in my favorite form of cheap heat—imitating his opponent’s signature moves and poses. This is my favorite type of match—a complex backstory leading to real emotional investment, carried out by performers who can also put on a good physical show. This is exhausting to watch; they’re both putting absolutely everything out there. Jericho is at his bad guy best, trying to show that he deserves the crowd’s adulation even while making it clear that he hates them for cheering Michaels. All Shawn has to do is be likeable, and he certainly has no problems there! He feeds off the energy of the crowd and beats Jericho, who is left to stew in the knowledge that we love HBK more than him (and by “we” I mean “everyone but me”).
Limp Bizkit is going to shill their new album while we all recover from the greatness that was that last match.
And now, *sigh,* a “Catfight.” Yes, because after the sheer, fierce athleticism of Jazz, Victoria, and Trish, we must remind the audience that women are, in fact, objects, and that’s all they want to be. Sure, there are some freakish women in the company who actually know how to wrestle, but have no fear! There are still women out there who desire nothing more than to have you salivate over them. I hate this. There’s certainly nothing wrong with having beautiful faces to look at. Look at the way I go on about Chris Jericho! The difference is that Chris Jericho is also a brilliant wrestler and he is presented as such. The men do not do sexy, themed photo shoots. They don’t pose in Playgirl. They aren’t paraded around as vapid hunks of meat (well, not anymore). The men are (generally) expected to have the in-ring ability to earn their paychecks. And if they don’t have the ability, they’ve got the charisma to win the crowd over (I love you, John Cena!). Women like Jazz, Victoria, and their counterparts in the present have to work so damn hard to get good matches and equal representation. It just burns me up to see the lowest common denominator pandered to like this.
Anyway, after that bit of nonsense, Triple H will now be defending his World Championship against Booker T. They’re really playing up Triple H’s original Hunter Hearst Helmsley rich boy character to better contrast Booker’s humble background. Ric Flair is here as Hunter’s mentor. I really like Booker T, and I wish I had watched WCW so that I could have seen him when he was top dog. Lawler has slid into his heel role, talking up Triple H and deriding Booker T with gusto. He gets in some digs at WCW’s expense too, much to Vince’s probable delight. Honestly, his back and forth with JR is probably one of the best parts of this match.
After what feels like a very lengthy match, Triple H retains his title. I could be mistaken, but I think this was at the point when it felt like Triple H always had a title. And if he lost, he wouldn’t lose cleanly. Just from watching this one match, I kind of felt that. Yeah.
Mr. McMahon and Hulk Hogan are fighting over who made WrestleMania, and the WWE, what it is. Apparently a lot of bad blood has been built up between them over the years, and now they’re going to settle things. I have to admit, I am not overly excited to see these two men fight. They’re both past (well past) their prime and, as I’ve discussed before, I’m happier when a McMahon isn’t trying to shoehorn his or her self into things. Hogan had a big match last year; the crowd can only go nuts so many times. And the fact that both of these men are still so muscular just freaks me out. I’m almost positive they’ve had some steroidal aid. Well, Vince, anyway. Hogan looks much smaller and more natural than he did in his heyday. There’s no way Vince’s build is natural.
The match mostly involves Hogan and Vince throwing each other into things and hitting each other with foreign objects, because there’s not much else either one can do. I’m really not one for “Let’s see who can bleed more!” matches unless Mick Foley is involved. At one point Hogan goes to hit Vince with a chair but Vince ducks and Hogan hits one of the Spanish announcers! That was totally uncalled for! And then Vince drops onto Hogan from atop a ladder, right through the Spanish announce table. I am relieved to see an official tending to the announcer. Finally, some respect!
Then Roddy Piper comes out of nowhere for some reason. He can’t decide whether to attack Vince or Hogan. The crowd cheers him; nostalgia makes us forget that he’s the ultimate bad guy. After beating Hogan with a lead pipe (now we boo him!), he leaves Mr. McMahon to finish the job. Unfortunately for Vince, this is WrestleMania, and no one wants to see him win. Hogan activates his Miraculous Comeback powers and takes down the boss.
We will now watch Stone Cold Steve Austin’s very last match. He had been wrestling despite doctor’s orders for years, yet he’s still going to give his all in this match.
The remaining Spanish announcer hasn’t even been given a replacement table. He’s just hanging out in a corner all by himself. Poor guy.
I have a hard time getting invested in this match, and I can’t figure out why. The Rock wins without too much of a battle. It was a good enough match, and I should have enjoyed it more than I did. The Rock! Stone Cold! Stone Cold’s last match! Maybe I’m just tired. I wish they had actually billed this as his last match, as he didn’t get enough fanfare while exiting the ring.
The main event this year involves Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar fighting for the WWE Championship belt, held by Angle. Whatever, Brock Lesnar. Apparently he prefers real fighting to the awesomeness of fake fighting. From what I’m gathering from the clip package, this is actually a pretty interesting feud. Rory points out that Lesnar has come out of absolutely nowhere to main-event in his first WrestleMania, which makes us resent him more.
These guys are both really good athletes. There are many wrestling holds and feats of strength. Lesnar gets thrown around an awful lot by Kurt. How fake does it feel having your face slammed into the mat, Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. My taunts at Lesnar aside, this is an excellent match. Brock Lesnar attempts a shooting star press from the top rope. He whiffs it, but it still looks impressive. Can’t do that in real fighting, can you Brock? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Lesnar wins the title, in his very first WrestleMania. Angle and Lesnar both look absolutely drained after that. They even share a man hug afterward!
That was probably the most satisfying WrestleMania yet, catfights and poor facial hair aside. There weren’t as many matches as previously, but they were of excellent quality.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
WrestleMania 18 (2002)
We’re in Toronto this time around, and Saliva sings us into the show. They do a pretty awesome job, if I do say so. I probably won’t get to this again so I’ll just mention it here: Toronto? Your signs suck. Aside from the one with Jericho as the maple leaf in the Canadian flag. The rest of them? Lame.
JR welcomes us to the Skydome. He is joined once again by Jerry Lawler, much to my relief.
First up is ECW alumnus Rob Van Dam battling to take the Intercontinental Championship from William Regal, who, as you will remember, also opened last year. This should be a good match, though. Regal likes to brawl and RVD likes to flip around. He’s so much fun to watch. Regal’s lip is busted wide open, and he looks rather sinister with his bloodied teeth. He also tries to sneak some brass knuckles past the ref, but the ref is too wise. Yay, ref! RVD wins.
Christian is fighting by himself this year. He earns some cheap heat by trashing his hometown of Toronto and then enters to his very own theme. Aww, Christian, you're all grown up! He’s fighting Diamond Dallas Paige, his former mentor whom he betrayed, for the European Championship. It’s a fairly good match. Christian is just trying to establish himself as a solo competitor. He doesn’t win the belt, but with the help of DDP he does let us know that he is a thoroughly bad lot.
Backstage, Johnathan Coachman conducts a hilarious interview with The Rock. Well, mostly Coach just lets The Rock talk, but that never fails to produce awesome results.
It’s hardcore time. Goldust will be vying for the Hardcore Championship against Maven (not to be confused with the horribly attired Raven of last year). Maven is pretty much a nonentity, to be honest. Neither I nor Rory have any idea who he is. When I looked it up, I found out he was a winner of Tough Enough, the WWE's competitive reality show. Now you know. It’s awesome to see Goldust at WrestlemMnia and fighting for a title, though. He’s even got special gold colored trashcans to use as weapons! They go at it for a while, and while both men are recovering from hitting each other with trash can lids, Spike Dudley runs in and pins Maven for the title! The rules are that anyone can win the title within a 24 hour period, as long as a ref is there to do the pin count. As Spike runs off he is pursued by Crash Holly.
For some reason, we now have the backstory to the Jericho/Triple H match told in music video form, playing behind a live band. It’s a neat idea, but it’s impossible to actually figure out the story as the camera jumps around and we don’t actually hear the dialogue in the clips. At any rate, Drowning Pool attempts to sing us the story of Triple H vs. my beloved Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon has apparently betrayed Triple H and joined up with Jericho, because Triple H, during his injury caused absence, has not been fulfilling her needs. Their match isn’t even up next, so it’s a little strange to have the video here. All of the other feuds get actual video packages so this is just…odd.
Backstage, we cut to Crash doing his best to take the Hardcore title from Spike. Al Snow enters the fray in a golf cart, and The Hurricane swoops in to take the belt. This Hardcore side arc will carry through the rest of the night, and it is awesome.
Kurt Angle enters the ring, now with the crowd chanting “You Suck!” along to his theme (one intelligent Torontonian has a sign reading “You Suk.” Fail, Toronto. Fail.). Kurt insults Canada, ‘cause, you know, he’s a bad guy. We love to hate you, Kurt! He’s fighting Kane, for some reason. Angle wins unfairly, again, as he does.
There is a No Disqualification match between the Undertaker and Ric Flair. We get a proper backstory this time, and it all began back when Taker determined to get Flair in the ring at WrestleMania. Flair said no, sending Taker on an assault spree of Flair’s friends and son in an effort to get Flair to change his mind. There’s also some business involving Flair and the McMahons, but it’s unclear to me, except that Vince is able to put Ric at a disadvantage. Taker comes off as a sly bastard. I kind of miss when he had emotions.
King is at his bad guy announcer best. Out of nowhere he declares that “Flair’s an idiot,” much to JR’s well played incredulity. They snipe at each other for the entire match, and I love it.
It’s a testament to both the build-up of this match and the abilities of Taker and Flair that for a while I actually think that Flair might win this. (For those who don’t know, the Undertaker never loses at WrestleMania. Spoiler!) It takes longer than I expected for Flair to start bleeding (that is, five minutes in rather than two. The man bleeds easily, what can I say?). Blood is all over his face and in his hair. Eeeew. And yes, it’s all real. The trouble with old guys like Flair is that back in the day they all used to cut themselves during matches, leaving their foreheads a mass of scar tissue, so that now they’ll bleed for real at the drop of a hat.
Flair takes a real beating, and whenever he shows signs of fighting back we all hope so hard that he’ll get the upper hand. Woo!
The Undertaker disrespects the ref for the second year in a row. You’ll pay for that someday, Taker! The Referee Revolution is coming…
It is not to be the old man’s night. The Undertaker wins after a Tombstone, his tenth WrestleMania win in the bag.
Booker T, a WCW alumnus, will be taking on Edge in singles' competition. Booker enters to his awesome theme.
Edge got to keep his and Christian’s tag team theme. Booker T and Edge put on a very good show. Edge wins, to the delight of the Toronto crowd. Booker already made it big in WCW, of course, and Edge is just getting started.
Back to the Hardcore saga. Hurricane still has the belt, and is joined by his sidekick Mighty Molly. But then…Molly takes down the Hurricane and steals the belt for herself!
It’s nWo time. Have some history:
Once upon a time there was a wrestling company called WCW. It was run by a man named Eric Bischoff, in whose person cleverness and stupidity were combined in a most astonishing fashion. Cleverly, he came up with the idea of an outside group who would come in and shake up WCW (stupidly, he would come to let this idea dominate absolutely every aspect of the company, but that's another story). Who better to furnish a threat to WCW than former employees of WWE, a rival company? Thus, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, whose contracts with the WWE had just run out, came to WCW as Outsiders, coyly not revealing who they were actually employed by. When Hogan came on board, the group became known as nWo--New World Order. That was back in 1996. In 2001, the WWE bought WCW and Mr. McMahon reintroduced nWo in 2002. In storyline, they were his hired guns who would take out the more bothersome elements of the roster.
And this brings us to Stone Cold, a bothersome rattlesnake if ever there was one, fighting Scott Hall. In my childhood, Mr. Hall was known as Razor Ramon. I never really took to his character, but still--nostalgia. We’re all on Austin’s side again after last year’s temporary team-up with Mr. McMahon.
Scott Hall enters with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, when he was known as Diesel, was my favorite wrestler as a child. Because of this, I refuse to hear a bad word about Kevin Nash. I love him. People will tell you, “Oh, Kevin Nash ruined WCW. Now he's ruining TNA.” To these people I say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!” I have made up songs about how Kevin Nash is innocent of everything ever (though Rory won’t let me sing them anymore. To be fair, the lyrics are mostly “Kevin Nash is awesome and can do no wrong,” sung to whatever tune is in my head.). JR asserts that Nash is “not a man of high character.” You take that back, JR! (Lawler, meanwhile, is impressed with Nash’s tallness. Good point, King.)
As to the actual match, Hall and Austin go at it with a will. Nash interferes every time the ref’s back is turned, of course. The ref is knocked down, and Stone Cold Stuns both Hall and Nash, but there is no ref to perform the count! ANOTHER ref runs in to help, but Nash takes care of him. Austin still has to hold his own against two men. A whole gaggle of refs run in and politely ask Nash to sod off. Go, refs! Do not stand for abuse!
Hall clearly can’t close the deal by himself, allowing Stone Cold to get the win. We pause while Austin enjoys some Molson Canadian.
They’re calling the Tag Match a “Four Corners” match this year. There are four teams, but only two guys are in the ring at a time and you can tag in anyone, not just your team mate. I suppose this is meant to add an element of strategy to the match. Let’s see who we’ve got this year: the Dudleys are still here, and they’ve acquired Stacy Keibler (she of the famous legs) as their valet. Farooq and Bradshaw are still together as APA. The Hardys are still here, being extreme. Jeff looks even more like a crack addict than he did last year, still obstinately wearing that horrid mesh shirt. Matt, I’m happy to report, has wised up, as far as ring attire. And then we have Billy and Chuck. They enter to a boy band-esque theme and flounce to the ring. Yeah, they are not at all subtly gay. I suppose I should be impressed that the WWE gave the Tag Team belts to a team that will end up having a storyline wedding, but they're just so silly.
Bradshaw mixes it up with Billy and/or Chuck for awhile, but things don’t really get interesting until the Dudleys come in to play, eliminating APA. Then the Hardys take on the Dudleys, which is awesome. These teams really know how to play off of each other. Billy and Chuck are just kind of there, and nobody really cares. We’re all in it for the tables and Jeff Hardy flinging himself from the top rope. Once Jeff takes off his shirt I actually fear for his health because he looks so scrawny and pale. It honestly looks like Bubba Rae is beating on a homeless person.
Unfortunately, we have to deal with Lawler salivating over Stacy Keibler for the entire match.
Matt saves the day for Jeff (the usual in Hardy Land) and eliminates the Dudleys, leaving us with the Hardys vs. the increasingly unexciting Billy and Chuck. Despite much leaping about by Jeff, Billy (or is that Chuck?) pins him and they retain the Championship.
That was such a lackluster match, especially compared to the awesomeness of the previous Tag matches. I’m disappointed APA was eliminated so early, and that, after completely carrying the entire match, the Dudleys and Hardys were both shut out.
More Hardcore shenanigans! Mighty Molly is absconding with her ill-gotten gains when Christian knocks her out with a door like the big jerk he is. Oh, Christian, as JR rightly puts it, “What a dastardly act!”
Another old guy match—The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, fighting over which is the bigger icon to come out of the WWE. We get to hear nWo’s theme again, which I happen to like. The crowd, in direct defiance of the narrative direction, cheers like crazy for bad-guy Hogan. They also erupt at The Rock’s entrance. Everyone is pumped to see two legends in action against each other. Lawler goes into a prolonged and nonsensical metaphor about young and old lions. I know where he’s going but, man, it’s painful listening to him get there.
Hogan and Rock engage in a stare down to start things off, and everyone is just absorbing this scene, taking it all in. The crowd cheers at every pose, every single move. It’s completely insane, in a good way. They really aren’t even wrestling that much; a lot of shoving and throwing punches. No one minds. Hogan dominates for what feels like forever. He also uses the Rock’s momentum to take out the ref, poor guy. What did he do to deserve being hit with a flying Rock?
Naturally the moment that the ref isn’t available is the moment that The Rock gains the upper hand. That’s, like, a wrestling law or something. Aww, and JR just informs us that the ref is Mike Chioda, the same ref who took abuse from both Triple H and the Undertaker last year.
The pace starts to pick up, and there’s some good back-and-forth. The Rock wins and the crowd goes nuts again. Hogan rises, looking crushed, and offers the Rock his hand. They give each other kudos, gesturing to the crowd. Hall and Nash (who is doing nothing wrong!) interrupt all the good feeling and attack their team mate. But The Rock is there to defend the old guy, and after dispatching nWo The Rock insists on Hogan sticking around to share in the limelight and bask in the cheers. Awww, isn’t that swell? I love seeing the two of them walk back up the ramp together; it’s such a nice moment. Hogan is all, “This young guy just made me look really good,” and Rock is all, “I was just in the ring with my hero!” and they’re both all, “That was awesome, am I right? Let’s hit the showers.”
Finally, finally a good women’s match. I am so excited for this! The current title holder is Jazz. Challenging her will be Lita and Trish Stratus. Lita and Jazz don’t even wait for Trish to finish her entrance before getting started.
This is a really good match; it’s a shame the crowd is so drained after the emotion of the Hogan/Rock match. In fact, that’s probably exactly why this match is situated where it is. Who cares about the women, right? Go get a snack, collect your wits for the Main Event. Never mind that three very fine competitors are about to put on an awesome show. Whatever, WWE.
Trish is quite obviously not in the same league as Jazz and Lita, but she does her best. In fact, that’s one of the things I love about Trish: she really worked to get to where she did. She wasn’t content to remain the bit of blonde fluff that she was clearly hired to be, unlike many of the current Divas (hi, Kelly Kelly!).
I can’t even express how much I love JR for legitimately calling this match with King beside him bleating about “positions” and “puppies.” Someone forgot to tell Lawler that the ladies are allowed to be awesome for reasons other than their anatomical attributes now.
Jazz retains her title after an excellent effort by all three competitors. This is what women’s wrestling should be.
We immediately cut away to Christian gloating over his title, but he’s taken down by Maven (remember him?), and Christian is left to throw another tantrum. It hasn’t been the best WrestleMania for Christian. That hardcore saga was awesome though.
Triple H will be main eventing tonight against my beloved Chris Jericho, who is currently the Undisputed Champion, holding both the WCW and WWE champion belts. He won them after beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night. Ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. He also holds the allegiance of Stephanie McMahon, still doing her hair no favours and currently clad in an atrocious shade of teal. Mind you, my beloved Y2J is wearing lime green pants with a blinding pink and silver sparkling coat, so, you know, whatever. JR breaks out the worst insult he ever calls a woman: a jezebel. Steph betrayed her man, you see, that evil wench!
Triple H metes out some punishment to Steph and I wonder, for neither the first nor last time, if feuding in the ring makes for a happier real life marriage or if it just makes life very, very confusing for their children. Steph also sasses the ref, that jezebel.
Because we’re in Canada, there is an audible “Y2J!” chant. Canadians are noted for completely disregarding storylines; we always cheer our own.
The Spanish announce table goes down under the weight of Triple H. They almost made it all the way through WrestleMania!
In the end, Triple H wins both belts. Bully for him.
That was a pretty good match. Jericho was, of course, even better than awesome. Steph’s presence was a little overdone. I know it’s her job to interfere and be a terrible person, but to me it came across as a McMahon taking over the match, yet again. Triple H also indulged in a bit of a Miraculous Comeback and I hate that. There were no real jaw dropping moments that one might expect from the Main Event at WrestleMania, in a contest for two championship belts. Still, a good match. I’m probably just bitter because Jericho can’t always have a belt to carry around.
And so we have reached the end of WrestleMania X8. The old guys and young guys alike put on a good show. There were some fun backstage shenanigans and a great match for the women. All in all, a satisfying WrestleMania.
JR welcomes us to the Skydome. He is joined once again by Jerry Lawler, much to my relief.
First up is ECW alumnus Rob Van Dam battling to take the Intercontinental Championship from William Regal, who, as you will remember, also opened last year. This should be a good match, though. Regal likes to brawl and RVD likes to flip around. He’s so much fun to watch. Regal’s lip is busted wide open, and he looks rather sinister with his bloodied teeth. He also tries to sneak some brass knuckles past the ref, but the ref is too wise. Yay, ref! RVD wins.
Christian is fighting by himself this year. He earns some cheap heat by trashing his hometown of Toronto and then enters to his very own theme. Aww, Christian, you're all grown up! He’s fighting Diamond Dallas Paige, his former mentor whom he betrayed, for the European Championship. It’s a fairly good match. Christian is just trying to establish himself as a solo competitor. He doesn’t win the belt, but with the help of DDP he does let us know that he is a thoroughly bad lot.
Backstage, Johnathan Coachman conducts a hilarious interview with The Rock. Well, mostly Coach just lets The Rock talk, but that never fails to produce awesome results.
It’s hardcore time. Goldust will be vying for the Hardcore Championship against Maven (not to be confused with the horribly attired Raven of last year). Maven is pretty much a nonentity, to be honest. Neither I nor Rory have any idea who he is. When I looked it up, I found out he was a winner of Tough Enough, the WWE's competitive reality show. Now you know. It’s awesome to see Goldust at WrestlemMnia and fighting for a title, though. He’s even got special gold colored trashcans to use as weapons! They go at it for a while, and while both men are recovering from hitting each other with trash can lids, Spike Dudley runs in and pins Maven for the title! The rules are that anyone can win the title within a 24 hour period, as long as a ref is there to do the pin count. As Spike runs off he is pursued by Crash Holly.
For some reason, we now have the backstory to the Jericho/Triple H match told in music video form, playing behind a live band. It’s a neat idea, but it’s impossible to actually figure out the story as the camera jumps around and we don’t actually hear the dialogue in the clips. At any rate, Drowning Pool attempts to sing us the story of Triple H vs. my beloved Chris Jericho. Stephanie McMahon has apparently betrayed Triple H and joined up with Jericho, because Triple H, during his injury caused absence, has not been fulfilling her needs. Their match isn’t even up next, so it’s a little strange to have the video here. All of the other feuds get actual video packages so this is just…odd.
Backstage, we cut to Crash doing his best to take the Hardcore title from Spike. Al Snow enters the fray in a golf cart, and The Hurricane swoops in to take the belt. This Hardcore side arc will carry through the rest of the night, and it is awesome.
Kurt Angle enters the ring, now with the crowd chanting “You Suck!” along to his theme (one intelligent Torontonian has a sign reading “You Suk.” Fail, Toronto. Fail.). Kurt insults Canada, ‘cause, you know, he’s a bad guy. We love to hate you, Kurt! He’s fighting Kane, for some reason. Angle wins unfairly, again, as he does.
There is a No Disqualification match between the Undertaker and Ric Flair. We get a proper backstory this time, and it all began back when Taker determined to get Flair in the ring at WrestleMania. Flair said no, sending Taker on an assault spree of Flair’s friends and son in an effort to get Flair to change his mind. There’s also some business involving Flair and the McMahons, but it’s unclear to me, except that Vince is able to put Ric at a disadvantage. Taker comes off as a sly bastard. I kind of miss when he had emotions.
King is at his bad guy announcer best. Out of nowhere he declares that “Flair’s an idiot,” much to JR’s well played incredulity. They snipe at each other for the entire match, and I love it.
It’s a testament to both the build-up of this match and the abilities of Taker and Flair that for a while I actually think that Flair might win this. (For those who don’t know, the Undertaker never loses at WrestleMania. Spoiler!) It takes longer than I expected for Flair to start bleeding (that is, five minutes in rather than two. The man bleeds easily, what can I say?). Blood is all over his face and in his hair. Eeeew. And yes, it’s all real. The trouble with old guys like Flair is that back in the day they all used to cut themselves during matches, leaving their foreheads a mass of scar tissue, so that now they’ll bleed for real at the drop of a hat.
Flair takes a real beating, and whenever he shows signs of fighting back we all hope so hard that he’ll get the upper hand. Woo!
The Undertaker disrespects the ref for the second year in a row. You’ll pay for that someday, Taker! The Referee Revolution is coming…
It is not to be the old man’s night. The Undertaker wins after a Tombstone, his tenth WrestleMania win in the bag.
Booker T, a WCW alumnus, will be taking on Edge in singles' competition. Booker enters to his awesome theme.
Edge got to keep his and Christian’s tag team theme. Booker T and Edge put on a very good show. Edge wins, to the delight of the Toronto crowd. Booker already made it big in WCW, of course, and Edge is just getting started.
Back to the Hardcore saga. Hurricane still has the belt, and is joined by his sidekick Mighty Molly. But then…Molly takes down the Hurricane and steals the belt for herself!
It’s nWo time. Have some history:
Once upon a time there was a wrestling company called WCW. It was run by a man named Eric Bischoff, in whose person cleverness and stupidity were combined in a most astonishing fashion. Cleverly, he came up with the idea of an outside group who would come in and shake up WCW (stupidly, he would come to let this idea dominate absolutely every aspect of the company, but that's another story). Who better to furnish a threat to WCW than former employees of WWE, a rival company? Thus, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall, whose contracts with the WWE had just run out, came to WCW as Outsiders, coyly not revealing who they were actually employed by. When Hogan came on board, the group became known as nWo--New World Order. That was back in 1996. In 2001, the WWE bought WCW and Mr. McMahon reintroduced nWo in 2002. In storyline, they were his hired guns who would take out the more bothersome elements of the roster.
And this brings us to Stone Cold, a bothersome rattlesnake if ever there was one, fighting Scott Hall. In my childhood, Mr. Hall was known as Razor Ramon. I never really took to his character, but still--nostalgia. We’re all on Austin’s side again after last year’s temporary team-up with Mr. McMahon.
Scott Hall enters with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, when he was known as Diesel, was my favorite wrestler as a child. Because of this, I refuse to hear a bad word about Kevin Nash. I love him. People will tell you, “Oh, Kevin Nash ruined WCW. Now he's ruining TNA.” To these people I say, “Lalalalalala, I can’t hear you!” I have made up songs about how Kevin Nash is innocent of everything ever (though Rory won’t let me sing them anymore. To be fair, the lyrics are mostly “Kevin Nash is awesome and can do no wrong,” sung to whatever tune is in my head.). JR asserts that Nash is “not a man of high character.” You take that back, JR! (Lawler, meanwhile, is impressed with Nash’s tallness. Good point, King.)
As to the actual match, Hall and Austin go at it with a will. Nash interferes every time the ref’s back is turned, of course. The ref is knocked down, and Stone Cold Stuns both Hall and Nash, but there is no ref to perform the count! ANOTHER ref runs in to help, but Nash takes care of him. Austin still has to hold his own against two men. A whole gaggle of refs run in and politely ask Nash to sod off. Go, refs! Do not stand for abuse!
Hall clearly can’t close the deal by himself, allowing Stone Cold to get the win. We pause while Austin enjoys some Molson Canadian.
They’re calling the Tag Match a “Four Corners” match this year. There are four teams, but only two guys are in the ring at a time and you can tag in anyone, not just your team mate. I suppose this is meant to add an element of strategy to the match. Let’s see who we’ve got this year: the Dudleys are still here, and they’ve acquired Stacy Keibler (she of the famous legs) as their valet. Farooq and Bradshaw are still together as APA. The Hardys are still here, being extreme. Jeff looks even more like a crack addict than he did last year, still obstinately wearing that horrid mesh shirt. Matt, I’m happy to report, has wised up, as far as ring attire. And then we have Billy and Chuck. They enter to a boy band-esque theme and flounce to the ring. Yeah, they are not at all subtly gay. I suppose I should be impressed that the WWE gave the Tag Team belts to a team that will end up having a storyline wedding, but they're just so silly.
Bradshaw mixes it up with Billy and/or Chuck for awhile, but things don’t really get interesting until the Dudleys come in to play, eliminating APA. Then the Hardys take on the Dudleys, which is awesome. These teams really know how to play off of each other. Billy and Chuck are just kind of there, and nobody really cares. We’re all in it for the tables and Jeff Hardy flinging himself from the top rope. Once Jeff takes off his shirt I actually fear for his health because he looks so scrawny and pale. It honestly looks like Bubba Rae is beating on a homeless person.
Unfortunately, we have to deal with Lawler salivating over Stacy Keibler for the entire match.
Matt saves the day for Jeff (the usual in Hardy Land) and eliminates the Dudleys, leaving us with the Hardys vs. the increasingly unexciting Billy and Chuck. Despite much leaping about by Jeff, Billy (or is that Chuck?) pins him and they retain the Championship.
That was such a lackluster match, especially compared to the awesomeness of the previous Tag matches. I’m disappointed APA was eliminated so early, and that, after completely carrying the entire match, the Dudleys and Hardys were both shut out.
More Hardcore shenanigans! Mighty Molly is absconding with her ill-gotten gains when Christian knocks her out with a door like the big jerk he is. Oh, Christian, as JR rightly puts it, “What a dastardly act!”
Another old guy match—The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan, fighting over which is the bigger icon to come out of the WWE. We get to hear nWo’s theme again, which I happen to like. The crowd, in direct defiance of the narrative direction, cheers like crazy for bad-guy Hogan. They also erupt at The Rock’s entrance. Everyone is pumped to see two legends in action against each other. Lawler goes into a prolonged and nonsensical metaphor about young and old lions. I know where he’s going but, man, it’s painful listening to him get there.
Hogan and Rock engage in a stare down to start things off, and everyone is just absorbing this scene, taking it all in. The crowd cheers at every pose, every single move. It’s completely insane, in a good way. They really aren’t even wrestling that much; a lot of shoving and throwing punches. No one minds. Hogan dominates for what feels like forever. He also uses the Rock’s momentum to take out the ref, poor guy. What did he do to deserve being hit with a flying Rock?
Naturally the moment that the ref isn’t available is the moment that The Rock gains the upper hand. That’s, like, a wrestling law or something. Aww, and JR just informs us that the ref is Mike Chioda, the same ref who took abuse from both Triple H and the Undertaker last year.
The pace starts to pick up, and there’s some good back-and-forth. The Rock wins and the crowd goes nuts again. Hogan rises, looking crushed, and offers the Rock his hand. They give each other kudos, gesturing to the crowd. Hall and Nash (who is doing nothing wrong!) interrupt all the good feeling and attack their team mate. But The Rock is there to defend the old guy, and after dispatching nWo The Rock insists on Hogan sticking around to share in the limelight and bask in the cheers. Awww, isn’t that swell? I love seeing the two of them walk back up the ramp together; it’s such a nice moment. Hogan is all, “This young guy just made me look really good,” and Rock is all, “I was just in the ring with my hero!” and they’re both all, “That was awesome, am I right? Let’s hit the showers.”
Finally, finally a good women’s match. I am so excited for this! The current title holder is Jazz. Challenging her will be Lita and Trish Stratus. Lita and Jazz don’t even wait for Trish to finish her entrance before getting started.
This is a really good match; it’s a shame the crowd is so drained after the emotion of the Hogan/Rock match. In fact, that’s probably exactly why this match is situated where it is. Who cares about the women, right? Go get a snack, collect your wits for the Main Event. Never mind that three very fine competitors are about to put on an awesome show. Whatever, WWE.
Trish is quite obviously not in the same league as Jazz and Lita, but she does her best. In fact, that’s one of the things I love about Trish: she really worked to get to where she did. She wasn’t content to remain the bit of blonde fluff that she was clearly hired to be, unlike many of the current Divas (hi, Kelly Kelly!).
I can’t even express how much I love JR for legitimately calling this match with King beside him bleating about “positions” and “puppies.” Someone forgot to tell Lawler that the ladies are allowed to be awesome for reasons other than their anatomical attributes now.
Jazz retains her title after an excellent effort by all three competitors. This is what women’s wrestling should be.
We immediately cut away to Christian gloating over his title, but he’s taken down by Maven (remember him?), and Christian is left to throw another tantrum. It hasn’t been the best WrestleMania for Christian. That hardcore saga was awesome though.
Triple H will be main eventing tonight against my beloved Chris Jericho, who is currently the Undisputed Champion, holding both the WCW and WWE champion belts. He won them after beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin on the same night. Ask him, he’ll tell you all about it. He also holds the allegiance of Stephanie McMahon, still doing her hair no favours and currently clad in an atrocious shade of teal. Mind you, my beloved Y2J is wearing lime green pants with a blinding pink and silver sparkling coat, so, you know, whatever. JR breaks out the worst insult he ever calls a woman: a jezebel. Steph betrayed her man, you see, that evil wench!
Triple H metes out some punishment to Steph and I wonder, for neither the first nor last time, if feuding in the ring makes for a happier real life marriage or if it just makes life very, very confusing for their children. Steph also sasses the ref, that jezebel.
Because we’re in Canada, there is an audible “Y2J!” chant. Canadians are noted for completely disregarding storylines; we always cheer our own.
The Spanish announce table goes down under the weight of Triple H. They almost made it all the way through WrestleMania!
In the end, Triple H wins both belts. Bully for him.
That was a pretty good match. Jericho was, of course, even better than awesome. Steph’s presence was a little overdone. I know it’s her job to interfere and be a terrible person, but to me it came across as a McMahon taking over the match, yet again. Triple H also indulged in a bit of a Miraculous Comeback and I hate that. There were no real jaw dropping moments that one might expect from the Main Event at WrestleMania, in a contest for two championship belts. Still, a good match. I’m probably just bitter because Jericho can’t always have a belt to carry around.
And so we have reached the end of WrestleMania X8. The old guys and young guys alike put on a good show. There were some fun backstage shenanigans and a great match for the women. All in all, a satisfying WrestleMania.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
WrestleMania 17 (2001)
Well, here we are at WrestleMania 17, coming to you from Houston. An opening clip package reminds us how universal the appeal of pro-wrestling is. Apparently, WrestleMania is a “celebration of life.” Riiiight. Dear WWE: I work really hard to make you look good, but even I have a tough time swallowing lines like that. Love, Lacy.
JR welcomes us to the festivities. This year he is joined by Paul Heyman, who possesses an intrusively annoying voice.
My beloved (and very sparkly) Chris Jericho is up first, defending his Intercontinental Title against a short-haired William Regal, who also holds the role of Commissioner of the WWE. A clip package shows us that young Jericho took offense to Regal’s uppity Britishness, for lack of a better term, and thus began a feud wherein Jericho is the plucky rebel against Regal’s overbearing Establishment. I really miss Regal having such a large role. In the present, he is relegated to being the foil to Santino’s comedy stylings. The weird thing about William Regal is that he is simultaneously billed as a rough guy from Blackpool who fights dirty and as a stuffy, upper-class Brit. Jericho wins after a successful lionsault, which he is hardly ever permitted to land successfully in the present.
Backstage, Bradshaw is freaking out that he’s at WrestleMania in Houston and his team has got to put on a good show. He, Farooq, and Tazz will be fighting together against the stable known as The Right To Censor. Worst. Name. Ever. And how do we know they are evil corporate killjoys? Because they wear white shirts and ties, of course! Bull Buchanan, Val Venis, and the “Good”father are members of the Censor crew, in a huge departure for Venis, who oversaw the Catfight (offering up several inappropriate remarks, naturally) last year, and the Godfather, last seen with his hos in tow. A lot can change in a year in wrestling! Bradshaw gets the pin for his team.
Here’s hoping this year’s Harcore Match will be better than the last. We’ll be watching Raven vs. Kane (
still with mask!) vs. Big Show (still with hair!).
Raven is so unfortunately attired. Wow. He’s got super long leather shorts over long white stockings or tights, and his hair is a hideous dyed mixture of red and blonde. Raven, hardcore does not have to equal badly dressed.
The fight is immediately taken outside the ring. The three men fight their way through the crowd and the camera fights to get us a decent view. They end up backstage, where Raven is the first to bust out a foreign object, and is then tossed about at Show’s leisure. Raven’s strategy seems to be to keep the hell out of the way while Kane and Show fight each other. His plan is not working, and he ends up thrown through a window by Kane. Being thrown through a window is not something one can fake, incidentally. Eventually, the guys make their way back onto the entrance ramp, where they all fall into a pile of…stuff, and Kane wins. Well, that was exhausting to watch, and much, much better than last year.
Eddie Guerrero and Test, both of whom we saw as members of stables last year (the Radicalz and T & A) will be vying for the European Title tonight. They have a good match, marred only when I am jolted by the realization that both of these men are dead now. After many dastardly shenanigans by Eddie’s pals while the ref’s back is turned, Guerrero wins the belt.
A very young looking Michael Cole (seriously, Cole. It’s only been nine years, but comparing you with yourself on RAW last night, you haven’t been aging very well) interviews Mick Foley, who promises to be a fair and impartial judge while refereeing the match between Vince and Shane McMahon tonight. …And he’s going to do it right here in Houston! *thumbs up* My god, I love Mick Foley.
Kurt Angle, accompanied by his awesome theme, berates Texas as he makes his way to the ring. It is so weird that the American Olympic medal winner is the bad guy in Texas when he’s fighting a Canadian. Kurt Angle is a true professional at making people hate him! The aforementioned Canadian is Chris Benoit. Their match isn’t for a title, but there’s some history behind it, so I’m invested in it from the get-go. I truly enjoy this match. It begins with many prolonged holds, as each is bent on making the other tap out. However, they gradually pick up the pace as the tone goes from “I want to win this way,” to “I just want to beat you!” Both men do such a good job of projecting how much they desperately want to win. There’s a lot of feeling in this match. Angle taps when Benoit applies the Crippler Cross-face, but the ref is unluckily unable to see it. Angle ends up winning in a rather unsportsmanlike way. JR declares that this rivalry is not over.
We are reminded that the WWE is BFFs with the military. Fun fact: on the newer DVDs you cannot skip past the recruitment commercials. WWE, I’M CANADIAN! I couldn’t join up even if I wanted to! Which, for the record, I do not.
And backstage, Angle is telling us all how awesome he is when Benoit attacks, once again applies the Cross-face, and once again forces Angle to tap. JR was right!
It’s lady fighting time. Chyna and Ivory will be vying for the Women’s Championship. Ivory is member of Right to Censor, which means we are again treated to the assault on the ears that is their “theme” (it’s just a bunch of alarms and sirens going off). There’s no contest here; Chyna just crushes Ivory and it's done.
Well, there certainly have been big doings in McMahon Land after last year’s debacle. Let’s see: Steph is still Daddy’s little girl, but Daddy has acquired an, er, “assistant” in Trish Stratus (hang in there, Trish! Your time is coming soon!). Their goings-on led to Vince actually demanding a divorce from Linda, which didn’t happen, but Linda is now being kept “heavily medicated” while being wheeled around by Trish. Shocking! Shane did not take kindly to his old man making eyes at a young, hot blonde, and so the young McMahon has taken a stand. Vince sought to buy WCW, but Shane beat him to it. Sneaky Shane! Shane is identifying with the underdogs, you see. If there’s one thing Vince knows, it’s how much people love to hate him. They are going to solve their differences at Wrestlemania (where else?) and Mick Foley is guest refereeing, for some reason. Undoubtedly because we all love Mick Foley. Vince is accompanied to the ring by Steph, who still insists on crimping the hell out of her hair.
Paul Heyman loudly lauds this match as “McMahon vs. McMahon” like we’ve never seen such a thing before. He is also vocally on Vince’s side and constantly shouts down JR. It’s so annoying. I get it, Paul. You’re the heel commentator. You like the bad guys. Chill.
Down goes the Spanish announce table, as Shane falls through it.
But what’s this? Here come Trish and Linda! Vince wants Linda to witness Shane’s downfall. Trish is wearing the most ludicrous thick-heeled sparkly, silver boots, by the way. She has a hard time of it when she leans down to slap Shane. And then…OMG! Trish turns and slaps Steph! What shenanigans are these? We ponder this as Trish continues to beat Steph and chase her from ringside. Steph runs like a stereotypical girl. Trish runs…with great difficulty in those boots.
Vince is still determined to do some sort of dastardly deed. Mick tries to stop him from hurting Linda (that’s why we love you, Mick!), but Vince overcomes him and forces Linda into the ring. She will be forced to watch her husband beat her son with garbage cans (it’s a Street Fight. Anything goes.). But when his back is turned, Linda rises! She wasn’t heavily sedated after all! She kicks him in a rather uncomfortable place, which the crowd loves. Mick also gets some of his own back, which we all love. Shane is left to execute his one awesome move and thus pick up the win. And so we close the book on the McMahon family story for another year. The plot was more complex this year, but at least it didn’t dominate the night’s festivities.
Now we have a repeat of sorts from last year, with the Hardys vs. the Dudleys. vs. Edge and Christian. It’s the same idea as before, only this time tables, ladders, and chairs will all be legal (the Hardy’s specialize in ladders, the Dudleys in tables, and Edge and Christian in chairs). These three teams were the first to compete in a TLC six man tag match at a PPV that took place before WrestleMania. This match is for the Tag Titles again (held by the Dudleys), but it’s also a bit more personal than last year. There were a series of attacks perpetrated by each team on allies of the others prior to WrestleMania.
Matt and Jeff are wearing horrible mesh shirts. That’s not very Extreme, guys. Extremely lame, maybe. Edge and Christian look completely ridiculous, but that’s kind of their thing, so I cut them some slack.
This time everyone seems to be fighting in teams of three, with one team and one opponent, or three opponents, in the ring at a time. Jeff and Matt, especially Jeff, fall from high places (they also ditch the mesh shirts, to the delight of many a fangirl), the Dudleys GET THE TABLES, and Edge and Christian are generally awesome.
Then, after all six men have fallen off ladders and are trying to get back into things, Spike Dudley runs in and gets revenge on Edge and Christian. Then in comes Rhyno, friend to Edge and Christian, to take on the Hardys and Dudleys. And then it’s Lita, member of Team Xtreme along with Matt and Jeff, first attacking Edge and then going head to head with Rhyno. Here’s what I love here: Nobody goes, “OMG! A girl! I can’t fight a girl. I must stand here looking uncertain and uncomfortable.” No. Not only does Lita have a perfectly legitimate reason to be there, she gives as good as she gets, holding her own with the men. Why does this never happen anymore?
For a few minutes there is pure chaos, with the teams and their associates going at it. Eventually Jeff takes care of Spike and Rhyno (by falling onto them from atop a ladder, naturally), and Lita just kind of…disappears, and we are left with the six original combatants.
There is clearly a conscious effort to make things even more extreme than they were last year. Jeff falls off of even taller ladders. At one point Christian and D-Von are left dangling in mid-air, clinging to the suspended belts after their ladders are knocked out from under them. Jeff dangles, too, and then Edge spears him by leaping from mid-ladder!! Matt and Bubba Rae fall from a huge ladder, over the ring ropes, and through two tables. “Holy shit,” indeed, audience.
My one complaint is that the match ends rather abruptly. Christian, Edge, and D-Von are all climbing a ladder and then Christian just grabs the belts. There was no proper build-up the way there was last year. I wasn’t even close to being ready for that match to be over. At any rate, once again Edge and Christian have taken the Tag Belts from the Dudleys.
Just like last year, tonight’s “Really? This got booked?” match is coming after the awesome tag match. This year, it’s the Gimmick Battle Royale. Yes, every wrestler with a ridiculous gimmick that they could dig up has returned to the WWE to revel in their ridiculousness. No, I’m not going to talk about it.
The Undertaker, in his biker persona, will now be taking on Triple H, in his, erm, Triple H persona. There was a lot of build-up to this; Trips even took a sledgehammer to Taker’s bike. That’s just not polite! Motorhead is here to give a live version of Triple H’s theme, which is one of my favorites, by the way.
The Spanish announce table goes down a minute into the match. Triple H tries to use his hammer, but referee Mike Chioda will not stand for such shenanigans. Unfortunately, his conscientious reffing earns him some punishment. While Mr. Chioda lies in the ring (he was just trying to make sure the rules were being followed, poor guy), Taker and Triple H take the fight into and above the crowd. Everyone enjoys watching the Undertaker toss Hunter around, they even get a “Holy shit!” chant from the crowd. Mostly, this match allows the Undertaker to look good in front of his home town crowd (and here I was thinking his hometown was either Death Valley or Parts Unknown). It’s a fairly good match, and Undertaker continues his undefeated WrestleMania streak, riding out of the ring on his shiny bike.
The main event tonight is the Rock versus Stone Cold Steve Austin, battling for the Championship belt currently held by the Rock in a real clash of the titans. Stone Cold’s theme has words this evening; I’ve never heard it with words before. I have to say, I like the music only version much better. Austin is also wearing some impressive knee braces; I hate to think of the amount of pain he must have been in during these later years of his career.
The match starts out furiously, with both men fighting to get their signature moves in. The Spanish announcers have not been given a new table, I’m sorry to say. JR and Heyman lose their table, too. It’s a no-disqualification match, so anything goes. The ref tries to keep some order anyway, and, just like poor Mike Chioda before him, is disrespected by both competitors. I demand more rights for referees! Rocky and Stone Cold both get bloodied foreheads about halfway through the match. Gross. I honestly don’t think the crowd cares who wins; they’re just soaking up watching these two huge stars go head to head.
Not only do they use their own moves; they also use each other’s: The Rock executes a Stunner on Austin, Austin Rockbottoms the Rock (thankfully, Austin does not attempt the People’s Elbow. Ridiculous.). They also both use the Sharpshooter on each other. It seems that they’ll just destroy one another and neither will win, but then Mr. McMahon strolls down to ringside. He pulls the Rock off of Austin when it seems a three-count is imminent. How dastardly! Even worse, it seems that Stone Cold and Mr. McMahon are in league with one another. There is a collective “GUH-WHAA?!?” moment. This is not the Rattlesnake we know and love, always giving the middle finger to the Man (or the McMahon, if you will)! Has Stone Cold gone…corporate? A number of miraculous kick-outs by the Rock follow this startling revelation, but with Vince cheering him on, Austin wins the match and the Title.
We are left to puzzle out this bizarre bit of teamwork between Vince and Stone Cold. JR is horrified, but the Rattlesnake doesn’t seem to care as he downs some beers with the boss in the ring. And with that, WrestleMania X 7 comes to a close.
JR welcomes us to the festivities. This year he is joined by Paul Heyman, who possesses an intrusively annoying voice.
My beloved (and very sparkly) Chris Jericho is up first, defending his Intercontinental Title against a short-haired William Regal, who also holds the role of Commissioner of the WWE. A clip package shows us that young Jericho took offense to Regal’s uppity Britishness, for lack of a better term, and thus began a feud wherein Jericho is the plucky rebel against Regal’s overbearing Establishment. I really miss Regal having such a large role. In the present, he is relegated to being the foil to Santino’s comedy stylings. The weird thing about William Regal is that he is simultaneously billed as a rough guy from Blackpool who fights dirty and as a stuffy, upper-class Brit. Jericho wins after a successful lionsault, which he is hardly ever permitted to land successfully in the present.
Backstage, Bradshaw is freaking out that he’s at WrestleMania in Houston and his team has got to put on a good show. He, Farooq, and Tazz will be fighting together against the stable known as The Right To Censor. Worst. Name. Ever. And how do we know they are evil corporate killjoys? Because they wear white shirts and ties, of course! Bull Buchanan, Val Venis, and the “Good”father are members of the Censor crew, in a huge departure for Venis, who oversaw the Catfight (offering up several inappropriate remarks, naturally) last year, and the Godfather, last seen with his hos in tow. A lot can change in a year in wrestling! Bradshaw gets the pin for his team.
Here’s hoping this year’s Harcore Match will be better than the last. We’ll be watching Raven vs. Kane (
still with mask!) vs. Big Show (still with hair!). Raven is so unfortunately attired. Wow. He’s got super long leather shorts over long white stockings or tights, and his hair is a hideous dyed mixture of red and blonde. Raven, hardcore does not have to equal badly dressed. The fight is immediately taken outside the ring. The three men fight their way through the crowd and the camera fights to get us a decent view. They end up backstage, where Raven is the first to bust out a foreign object, and is then tossed about at Show’s leisure. Raven’s strategy seems to be to keep the hell out of the way while Kane and Show fight each other. His plan is not working, and he ends up thrown through a window by Kane. Being thrown through a window is not something one can fake, incidentally. Eventually, the guys make their way back onto the entrance ramp, where they all fall into a pile of…stuff, and Kane wins. Well, that was exhausting to watch, and much, much better than last year.
Eddie Guerrero and Test, both of whom we saw as members of stables last year (the Radicalz and T & A) will be vying for the European Title tonight. They have a good match, marred only when I am jolted by the realization that both of these men are dead now. After many dastardly shenanigans by Eddie’s pals while the ref’s back is turned, Guerrero wins the belt.
A very young looking Michael Cole (seriously, Cole. It’s only been nine years, but comparing you with yourself on RAW last night, you haven’t been aging very well) interviews Mick Foley, who promises to be a fair and impartial judge while refereeing the match between Vince and Shane McMahon tonight. …And he’s going to do it right here in Houston! *thumbs up* My god, I love Mick Foley.
Kurt Angle, accompanied by his awesome theme, berates Texas as he makes his way to the ring. It is so weird that the American Olympic medal winner is the bad guy in Texas when he’s fighting a Canadian. Kurt Angle is a true professional at making people hate him! The aforementioned Canadian is Chris Benoit. Their match isn’t for a title, but there’s some history behind it, so I’m invested in it from the get-go. I truly enjoy this match. It begins with many prolonged holds, as each is bent on making the other tap out. However, they gradually pick up the pace as the tone goes from “I want to win this way,” to “I just want to beat you!” Both men do such a good job of projecting how much they desperately want to win. There’s a lot of feeling in this match. Angle taps when Benoit applies the Crippler Cross-face, but the ref is unluckily unable to see it. Angle ends up winning in a rather unsportsmanlike way. JR declares that this rivalry is not over.We are reminded that the WWE is BFFs with the military. Fun fact: on the newer DVDs you cannot skip past the recruitment commercials. WWE, I’M CANADIAN! I couldn’t join up even if I wanted to! Which, for the record, I do not.
And backstage, Angle is telling us all how awesome he is when Benoit attacks, once again applies the Cross-face, and once again forces Angle to tap. JR was right!
It’s lady fighting time. Chyna and Ivory will be vying for the Women’s Championship. Ivory is member of Right to Censor, which means we are again treated to the assault on the ears that is their “theme” (it’s just a bunch of alarms and sirens going off). There’s no contest here; Chyna just crushes Ivory and it's done.
Well, there certainly have been big doings in McMahon Land after last year’s debacle. Let’s see: Steph is still Daddy’s little girl, but Daddy has acquired an, er, “assistant” in Trish Stratus (hang in there, Trish! Your time is coming soon!). Their goings-on led to Vince actually demanding a divorce from Linda, which didn’t happen, but Linda is now being kept “heavily medicated” while being wheeled around by Trish. Shocking! Shane did not take kindly to his old man making eyes at a young, hot blonde, and so the young McMahon has taken a stand. Vince sought to buy WCW, but Shane beat him to it. Sneaky Shane! Shane is identifying with the underdogs, you see. If there’s one thing Vince knows, it’s how much people love to hate him. They are going to solve their differences at Wrestlemania (where else?) and Mick Foley is guest refereeing, for some reason. Undoubtedly because we all love Mick Foley. Vince is accompanied to the ring by Steph, who still insists on crimping the hell out of her hair.
Paul Heyman loudly lauds this match as “McMahon vs. McMahon” like we’ve never seen such a thing before. He is also vocally on Vince’s side and constantly shouts down JR. It’s so annoying. I get it, Paul. You’re the heel commentator. You like the bad guys. Chill.
Down goes the Spanish announce table, as Shane falls through it.
But what’s this? Here come Trish and Linda! Vince wants Linda to witness Shane’s downfall. Trish is wearing the most ludicrous thick-heeled sparkly, silver boots, by the way. She has a hard time of it when she leans down to slap Shane. And then…OMG! Trish turns and slaps Steph! What shenanigans are these? We ponder this as Trish continues to beat Steph and chase her from ringside. Steph runs like a stereotypical girl. Trish runs…with great difficulty in those boots.
Vince is still determined to do some sort of dastardly deed. Mick tries to stop him from hurting Linda (that’s why we love you, Mick!), but Vince overcomes him and forces Linda into the ring. She will be forced to watch her husband beat her son with garbage cans (it’s a Street Fight. Anything goes.). But when his back is turned, Linda rises! She wasn’t heavily sedated after all! She kicks him in a rather uncomfortable place, which the crowd loves. Mick also gets some of his own back, which we all love. Shane is left to execute his one awesome move and thus pick up the win. And so we close the book on the McMahon family story for another year. The plot was more complex this year, but at least it didn’t dominate the night’s festivities.
Now we have a repeat of sorts from last year, with the Hardys vs. the Dudleys. vs. Edge and Christian. It’s the same idea as before, only this time tables, ladders, and chairs will all be legal (the Hardy’s specialize in ladders, the Dudleys in tables, and Edge and Christian in chairs). These three teams were the first to compete in a TLC six man tag match at a PPV that took place before WrestleMania. This match is for the Tag Titles again (held by the Dudleys), but it’s also a bit more personal than last year. There were a series of attacks perpetrated by each team on allies of the others prior to WrestleMania.
Matt and Jeff are wearing horrible mesh shirts. That’s not very Extreme, guys. Extremely lame, maybe. Edge and Christian look completely ridiculous, but that’s kind of their thing, so I cut them some slack.
This time everyone seems to be fighting in teams of three, with one team and one opponent, or three opponents, in the ring at a time. Jeff and Matt, especially Jeff, fall from high places (they also ditch the mesh shirts, to the delight of many a fangirl), the Dudleys GET THE TABLES, and Edge and Christian are generally awesome.
Then, after all six men have fallen off ladders and are trying to get back into things, Spike Dudley runs in and gets revenge on Edge and Christian. Then in comes Rhyno, friend to Edge and Christian, to take on the Hardys and Dudleys. And then it’s Lita, member of Team Xtreme along with Matt and Jeff, first attacking Edge and then going head to head with Rhyno. Here’s what I love here: Nobody goes, “OMG! A girl! I can’t fight a girl. I must stand here looking uncertain and uncomfortable.” No. Not only does Lita have a perfectly legitimate reason to be there, she gives as good as she gets, holding her own with the men. Why does this never happen anymore?
For a few minutes there is pure chaos, with the teams and their associates going at it. Eventually Jeff takes care of Spike and Rhyno (by falling onto them from atop a ladder, naturally), and Lita just kind of…disappears, and we are left with the six original combatants.
There is clearly a conscious effort to make things even more extreme than they were last year. Jeff falls off of even taller ladders. At one point Christian and D-Von are left dangling in mid-air, clinging to the suspended belts after their ladders are knocked out from under them. Jeff dangles, too, and then Edge spears him by leaping from mid-ladder!! Matt and Bubba Rae fall from a huge ladder, over the ring ropes, and through two tables. “Holy shit,” indeed, audience.
My one complaint is that the match ends rather abruptly. Christian, Edge, and D-Von are all climbing a ladder and then Christian just grabs the belts. There was no proper build-up the way there was last year. I wasn’t even close to being ready for that match to be over. At any rate, once again Edge and Christian have taken the Tag Belts from the Dudleys.
Just like last year, tonight’s “Really? This got booked?” match is coming after the awesome tag match. This year, it’s the Gimmick Battle Royale. Yes, every wrestler with a ridiculous gimmick that they could dig up has returned to the WWE to revel in their ridiculousness. No, I’m not going to talk about it.
The Undertaker, in his biker persona, will now be taking on Triple H, in his, erm, Triple H persona. There was a lot of build-up to this; Trips even took a sledgehammer to Taker’s bike. That’s just not polite! Motorhead is here to give a live version of Triple H’s theme, which is one of my favorites, by the way.
The Spanish announce table goes down a minute into the match. Triple H tries to use his hammer, but referee Mike Chioda will not stand for such shenanigans. Unfortunately, his conscientious reffing earns him some punishment. While Mr. Chioda lies in the ring (he was just trying to make sure the rules were being followed, poor guy), Taker and Triple H take the fight into and above the crowd. Everyone enjoys watching the Undertaker toss Hunter around, they even get a “Holy shit!” chant from the crowd. Mostly, this match allows the Undertaker to look good in front of his home town crowd (and here I was thinking his hometown was either Death Valley or Parts Unknown). It’s a fairly good match, and Undertaker continues his undefeated WrestleMania streak, riding out of the ring on his shiny bike.
The main event tonight is the Rock versus Stone Cold Steve Austin, battling for the Championship belt currently held by the Rock in a real clash of the titans. Stone Cold’s theme has words this evening; I’ve never heard it with words before. I have to say, I like the music only version much better. Austin is also wearing some impressive knee braces; I hate to think of the amount of pain he must have been in during these later years of his career.
The match starts out furiously, with both men fighting to get their signature moves in. The Spanish announcers have not been given a new table, I’m sorry to say. JR and Heyman lose their table, too. It’s a no-disqualification match, so anything goes. The ref tries to keep some order anyway, and, just like poor Mike Chioda before him, is disrespected by both competitors. I demand more rights for referees! Rocky and Stone Cold both get bloodied foreheads about halfway through the match. Gross. I honestly don’t think the crowd cares who wins; they’re just soaking up watching these two huge stars go head to head.
Not only do they use their own moves; they also use each other’s: The Rock executes a Stunner on Austin, Austin Rockbottoms the Rock (thankfully, Austin does not attempt the People’s Elbow. Ridiculous.). They also both use the Sharpshooter on each other. It seems that they’ll just destroy one another and neither will win, but then Mr. McMahon strolls down to ringside. He pulls the Rock off of Austin when it seems a three-count is imminent. How dastardly! Even worse, it seems that Stone Cold and Mr. McMahon are in league with one another. There is a collective “GUH-WHAA?!?” moment. This is not the Rattlesnake we know and love, always giving the middle finger to the Man (or the McMahon, if you will)! Has Stone Cold gone…corporate? A number of miraculous kick-outs by the Rock follow this startling revelation, but with Vince cheering him on, Austin wins the match and the Title.
We are left to puzzle out this bizarre bit of teamwork between Vince and Stone Cold. JR is horrified, but the Rattlesnake doesn’t seem to care as he downs some beers with the boss in the ring. And with that, WrestleMania X 7 comes to a close.
Friday, July 30, 2010
WrestleMania 16 (2000)
My brother, Rory, finally owns all of the WrestleManias from the past decade on DVD. I have never actually seen a single WrestleMania all the way through, other than WrestleMania 26, though I have seen various clips and matches. With this in mind, I’ve decided to blog about each year as we go through them. Ten years of wrestling’s grandest stage, parsed, praised, and panned, right here on this blog. Read on if you love wrestling as we do. Read on if you don’t know the slightest thing about wrestling. I’m excited to see how things change through the years-- the feuds that have come and gone, the characters that have evolved, and the moments that remind me why I, and so many others, truly love this business. Come, join me on a ten years’ journey down the ramp to the squared circle.
Rory and I dubbed WrestleMania 16 the Year of the Factions. Everyone seems to be involved in one! Thus nearly all the matches are Tag Matches, and while I love Tag Matches, they wear a little thin after three hours or so.
There are clips of the first nineteen WrestleManias and I am reminded of one of the things that I love about wrestling—its history. It’s one of the same things I love about baseball; this rich sense of the past and an awareness of everything that’s come before. There are touchstones that every fan can recall. And yes, the outcome of every pro wrestling match has been predetermined, but that doesn’t make the wins any less triumphant or the losses any less crushing. The clips attempt to convey the message that things are changing in the wrestling world, apparently because the McMahon family has become directly involved in the chase for the WWE (yeah, it was the WWF at this point. Just go with the retcon) championship. Personally, I think their involvement cheapened the main event this year, but we’ll get to that later.
We’re in Anaheim, incidentally, with good ol’ Jim Ross (JR) and Jerry “the King” Lawler doing commentary at ringside. These two have defined wrestling commentary for me, from my childhood to now, though JR has sadly been forced away from ringside due to illness, and Lawler’s “commentary” during the women’s matches has always irritated me to no end. Regardless, when I watch WrestleMania, theirs are the voices I want to hear. To put it in regular sports’ terms: JR is play-by-play and King is colour. They play off each other beautifully. Unlike the pair of commentators currently on Smackdown, there is not just one person dominating the mic. And they both get in some good zingers at each other’s expense.
Opening today are the Godfather and D-Lo Brown vs. Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan. The Godfather’s pimp persona is a remnant of the brash, politically incorrect 90s that will soon vanish. I’m glad to say that despite all of my rants (coming soon!) about the role of women in wrestling, at least no current wrestler is accompanied to the ring by women designated as his “hos.” What we’re going for here is a basic clash of styles (“and lifestyles,” as JR puts it): the flash and fun of Godfather/Brown versus the dour and no nonsense approach of Big Boss Man/Buchanan. Lawler, of course, spends most of the match commenting on the attributes of the “hos.” Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan win, herding the hos away from the ring as they exit.
We pan backstage for one of four segments tonight hyping the main event. Each of the four McMahons has selected a wrestler to represent them in the ring, and here we have in-story and real life spouses, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Stephanie is a very pretty woman, but her crimped hair and pink-sequined crop top (wow, we really are in the year 2000!) are absolutely ghastly.
Next up is the Battle Royal for the Hardcore Championship. It’s a timed match, lasting for fifteen minutes, and the title can change hands any number of times during the match. The last man to win the title when the timer runs out wins. There are thirteen men involved, including future commentator Tazz, Viscera, three members of the Mean Street Posse, Hardcore Holly, the Japanese team of Funaki and Taka Michinoku, the two Headbangers, Crash Holly, and Farooq and Bradshaw, the Acolytes. In the future, Bradshaw will be known as JBL, one of Rory’s favorite wrestlers. Since JBL is a clean-shaven (but villainous!)Texas billionaire character, it’s interesting to see Bradshaw here with his long hair and beard.
Bradshaw
JBL
The match itself is pretty disappointing. Hardly any action takes place inside the ring, and there is really no concentrated assault on whoever is holding the title at any given time. Mostly everyone just mills around the outside of the ring bashing each other with foreign objects. Granted, that’s the best part of any Hardcore match, but the utter lack of cohesion or coordination makes this match almost boring. Normally I love Battle Royal matches, but this one definitely ranks as a fail. Crash comes in with the Hardcore title, but Hardcore Holly walks out with it.
Al Snow and Steve Blackman versus Test and Albert (T & A). I’m really sorry that I completely missed Al Snow’s tenure in the WWE. He seems like such an entertaining guy here and in Mick Foley’s books Have a Nice Day and Foley is Good. Test and Albert are accompanied to the ring by Trish Stratus’ breasts. I assume the rest of her is there, but the camera seems content to focus on her most prominent attributes. Yes, readers, here are the humble beginnings of Diva extraordinaire Trish Stratus. She will come to embody the best that a woman in the WWE can hope to be, yet here she is, providing the literal T & A for a men’s tag team. I guess we all have to start somewhere, though one would hope not with such ridiculous attire: high waisted short shorts, a bit of fabric to cover the bare minimum of her chest, a floor-length, fur trimmed sleeveless cape/coat, and a cowboy hat, all in silver. Not your finest moment, Trish. Snow and Blackman are accompanied by a man dressed as a block of cheese. He may not be as well endowed as Ms. Stratus, but I really think Chester McCheesiton should make a comeback. T & A triumph over the power of cheese, and poor Chester bears the brunt of Al and Steve’s disappointment.
The annoying thing about this early WrestleMania is that there aren’t any clip packages to tell me what the build-up was to any of the matches, not even the hyped McMahon feud. Thus, in these matches where there is no title at stake, I can’t really feel invested in the action. Wrestling is all about storytelling. I’m only catching the end of the story, and it’s highly unsatisfying.
That bit of disappointment aside, we have now come to one of my all time favourite matches. I am so excited to watch this! It’s a three way Tag Team Ladder Match (the first ever of its kind) featuring the Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and D-Von), the Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) and Edge and Christian. I love ladder matches, proper tag teams (not just two wrestlers randomly thrown together for a couple matches and a pay-per-view), and each of these teams. These three teams will face off again next year, and that match will be considered one of the definitive matches in WWE history, but I actually prefer this one.
The coordination of this match is amazing considering that it involves six men. As JR reminds us, despite the fact that it is for the Tag Team title, there is no actual tagging in this match. All contenders are in play at once, and the result is beautiful, organized chaos. A wonderful symmetry is kept up throughout the match—if Bubba is doing a leg drop while Jeff is trapped under a ladder on one side of the ring, Christian is stomping on Matt, also underneath a ladder, on the other side of the ring while D-Von and Edge recover on the outside. Three separate events converging into one focus (have I mentioned how much I love this match?). At one point all six men climb simultaneously atop three ladders trying to catch the belts dangling from the rafters, and together they all come crashing down. Each member of each team gets a highlight moment, including Jeff doing his patented schtick of leaping from heights with no regard for safety
Seriously, this is wrestling at its best. Every man in the ring is working his hardest, not only to make himself look good, but also to make his team mate and opponents look good. I can’t stress enough how much credit these men deserve for putting together such a great match. A certain amount of planning goes into any given match, but a large part of what happens in the ring is improvised. The fact that this match is so well coordinated and paced, and just downright entertaining, is a testament to the skill of the wrestlers involved. They keep up a ridiculously fast pace, never letting up right until the climactic end, when Matt is pushed off a table balanced atop two ladders, falling through a table placed below, and Edge and Christian steal the Tag Team title from the Dudleys. Brilliant.
Also in this match, the Spanish announce table is destroyed. The destruction of the poor Spanish announcers’ work station has become a source of much hilarity for me and Rory. We look forward to it every pay-per-view.
Following what was undoubtedly the high point of this WrestleMania is its low point—the Cat Fight. It is exactly what you think it is, and I am choosing not to talk about it. I’m saving my Rant Energies for later events. JR, bless him, tries to come up with a legitimate reason for this “match,” though he also points out that this spectacle is not to be taken seriously as an example of women’s wrestling. Thanks, JR.
We have yet another tag match next, with the Radicalz (Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, and Perry Saturn) against Chyna and the awesomely ridiculous team of Too Cool (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay. Really.).
It’s so refreshing to see Chyna here. A woman competing against men and being recognized as a legitimate threat does not happen in the WWE today. At all. Not even for women such as Beth Phoenix or Natalya who both look like they can beat any man, any time and have demonstrated enough skill to do so.
Speaking of Chyna, she is largely responsible for her team winning here. She's not a great wrestler by any means, but she does look very intimidating. And, *sigh,* Scotty 2 Hotty breaks out his move “the worm,” much to Rory’s delight and my disbelief that someone actually thought this was a good idea.
And now, a Triple Threat Match (still no one on one action) for the Intercontinental and European belts, both held by Kurt Angle. First pin gets the Intercontinental, second gets the European. The first contestant is first in my wrestling affections and arriving at his first WrestleMania—Chris Jericho. Yup, I’m a Jericholic, and I love him no matter what he does. Good guy or bad guy, bedazzled or besuited, I adore Y2J. Oh right, there are other people in this match. Chris Benoit is here, and I am surprised that the WWE has not tried to superimpose another wrestler in his place until I remember that this DVD set was released before we were all supposed to forget he existed. Kurt Angle is also here, of course, with hair and without the crowd reminding him how much he sucks. That won’t last long. Wait ‘til next year, Kurt!
I suppose I’ll talk a bit about Benoit now. For those who don’t know, Chris Benoit died in 2007, killing himself after killing his wife and son. After the manner of his death came out, the media was quick to cry “’roid rage!” but we'll never know for sure what was going on with him and why he did what he did. Plenty of theories have been put forward, but mostly it remains a meaningless tragedy. Regardless, the WWE, after initially converting the RAW show right after Benoit’s death into a memorial show, has since done its best to distance itself from Benoit. Three years later you will be hard pressed to find an acknowledgement of his existence or accomplishments within the company. For example, during the 2010 Royal Rumble, Shawn Michaels was named as the only man to win the Royal Rumble after starting in the number one spot, even though Benoit did the same thing. Clips of matches he took part in are carefully edited to exclude him. It’s a frustrating situation.
The WWE’s questionable policy decisions aside, the very manner of Benoit’s death is just so different from that of any other dead wrestler (and there are far too many of those). It’s almost impossible to watch him here and ignore the knowledge that he is going to die in seven years’ time. I try to watch his matches objectively and to appreciate his work in the ring, but it’s so hard. The minute his entrance theme hits I feel so sad. He’s not loud and flashy like Jericho, or brashly confident like Angle. He’s got more of a quiet intensity, like he just wants to get to the ring and get to work. I wince every time he takes a shot to the head, and I can’t help wondering, what if that hadn’t happened? Would it have made a difference?
At any rate, Jericho, Benoit, and Angle put on a good match. Benoit wins the Intercontinental Belt, and my beloved Jericho wins the European. Poor Mr. Olympic Medal is left with nothing.
For some reason, we now have another Tag Match (aaaargh!) between X-Pac and Road Dogg (representing DX) and the unlikely team of Rikishi and Kane. The Big Red Monster and the big guy who likes to dance win. The Too Cool team (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay, for those of you who were able to forget those fabulous names) join Rikishi for a dance party in the ring.
At long last, we’ve arrived at the main event. It’s McMahon versus McMahon, with each member of the family being represented in the ring by the wrestler of their choosing. Vince has The Rock, Linda has Mick Foley, Shane has Big Show, and Stephanie has Triple H. Aside from defending the interests of their chosen McMahon, each man will also be competing for the WWE Championship. I am amused at the sight of a rather svelte Big Show. I often forget how long he’s been around.
Unfortunately, the fact that this is The Big One, the match that means the most, has been overshadowed by this McMahon family business. In fact, it took over this whole WrestleMania. It was the subject of all the backstage clips and hype, and not only this Championship match, but all the others appear to have taken a backseat to “the most dysfunctional family in the world.” I don’t even remember how this feud started, and I’m not particularly interested in who comes out on top (ok, that’s not true. I like Linda best, mostly because she is the least involved in wrestling storylines, and she’s got Mick Foley on her side. And don’t we all love Mick Foley?). A plain Four-Way Match between the always awesome Rock, Trips, and Mick, and the underrated Show, would have been just fine in itself. As I’ve said, the McMahon involvement is distracting and unnecessary.
Big Show is eliminated strangely early, as the match continues for a long time without him, and his early exit really throws me off. The sentimental favorite is Mick (aka Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love, for those who don’t know), the straight-up villain is Triple H, the nonentity is Big Show, and The Rock is…The Rock. At this point he’s pretty much transcended labels.
The Spanish announce table is decimated again. Mick is eliminated by Trips, but because this was billed as Foley’s last WrestleMania match, he exits the ring to a well-deserved standing ovation. It all comes down to The Rock and Triple H, as we all knew it would. It seems that the match will never end, until Vince, in a typical dastardly move, turns on The Rock, allowing Triple H to pick up the win. However, Rocky recovers and makes the crowd very happy after punishing Vince, Steph, and Hunter. At last, The Rock has returned to WrestleMania! Oh yeah, we smell what he’s cooking.
And that was it. WrestleMania 16. A disappointing start to the decade to be sure, despite one truly awesome match, and a couple of decent ones. We won’t be seeing most of these men again, but some of them are destined for even greater things. Stay tuned for WrestleMania X7! (Yes, “X7” is way cooler than plain ol’ number 17.)
Rory and I dubbed WrestleMania 16 the Year of the Factions. Everyone seems to be involved in one! Thus nearly all the matches are Tag Matches, and while I love Tag Matches, they wear a little thin after three hours or so.
There are clips of the first nineteen WrestleManias and I am reminded of one of the things that I love about wrestling—its history. It’s one of the same things I love about baseball; this rich sense of the past and an awareness of everything that’s come before. There are touchstones that every fan can recall. And yes, the outcome of every pro wrestling match has been predetermined, but that doesn’t make the wins any less triumphant or the losses any less crushing. The clips attempt to convey the message that things are changing in the wrestling world, apparently because the McMahon family has become directly involved in the chase for the WWE (yeah, it was the WWF at this point. Just go with the retcon) championship. Personally, I think their involvement cheapened the main event this year, but we’ll get to that later.
We’re in Anaheim, incidentally, with good ol’ Jim Ross (JR) and Jerry “the King” Lawler doing commentary at ringside. These two have defined wrestling commentary for me, from my childhood to now, though JR has sadly been forced away from ringside due to illness, and Lawler’s “commentary” during the women’s matches has always irritated me to no end. Regardless, when I watch WrestleMania, theirs are the voices I want to hear. To put it in regular sports’ terms: JR is play-by-play and King is colour. They play off each other beautifully. Unlike the pair of commentators currently on Smackdown, there is not just one person dominating the mic. And they both get in some good zingers at each other’s expense.
Opening today are the Godfather and D-Lo Brown vs. Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan. The Godfather’s pimp persona is a remnant of the brash, politically incorrect 90s that will soon vanish. I’m glad to say that despite all of my rants (coming soon!) about the role of women in wrestling, at least no current wrestler is accompanied to the ring by women designated as his “hos.” What we’re going for here is a basic clash of styles (“and lifestyles,” as JR puts it): the flash and fun of Godfather/Brown versus the dour and no nonsense approach of Big Boss Man/Buchanan. Lawler, of course, spends most of the match commenting on the attributes of the “hos.” Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan win, herding the hos away from the ring as they exit.
We pan backstage for one of four segments tonight hyping the main event. Each of the four McMahons has selected a wrestler to represent them in the ring, and here we have in-story and real life spouses, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H. Stephanie is a very pretty woman, but her crimped hair and pink-sequined crop top (wow, we really are in the year 2000!) are absolutely ghastly.
Next up is the Battle Royal for the Hardcore Championship. It’s a timed match, lasting for fifteen minutes, and the title can change hands any number of times during the match. The last man to win the title when the timer runs out wins. There are thirteen men involved, including future commentator Tazz, Viscera, three members of the Mean Street Posse, Hardcore Holly, the Japanese team of Funaki and Taka Michinoku, the two Headbangers, Crash Holly, and Farooq and Bradshaw, the Acolytes. In the future, Bradshaw will be known as JBL, one of Rory’s favorite wrestlers. Since JBL is a clean-shaven (but villainous!)Texas billionaire character, it’s interesting to see Bradshaw here with his long hair and beard.
Bradshaw
JBL
The match itself is pretty disappointing. Hardly any action takes place inside the ring, and there is really no concentrated assault on whoever is holding the title at any given time. Mostly everyone just mills around the outside of the ring bashing each other with foreign objects. Granted, that’s the best part of any Hardcore match, but the utter lack of cohesion or coordination makes this match almost boring. Normally I love Battle Royal matches, but this one definitely ranks as a fail. Crash comes in with the Hardcore title, but Hardcore Holly walks out with it.
Al Snow and Steve Blackman versus Test and Albert (T & A). I’m really sorry that I completely missed Al Snow’s tenure in the WWE. He seems like such an entertaining guy here and in Mick Foley’s books Have a Nice Day and Foley is Good. Test and Albert are accompanied to the ring by Trish Stratus’ breasts. I assume the rest of her is there, but the camera seems content to focus on her most prominent attributes. Yes, readers, here are the humble beginnings of Diva extraordinaire Trish Stratus. She will come to embody the best that a woman in the WWE can hope to be, yet here she is, providing the literal T & A for a men’s tag team. I guess we all have to start somewhere, though one would hope not with such ridiculous attire: high waisted short shorts, a bit of fabric to cover the bare minimum of her chest, a floor-length, fur trimmed sleeveless cape/coat, and a cowboy hat, all in silver. Not your finest moment, Trish. Snow and Blackman are accompanied by a man dressed as a block of cheese. He may not be as well endowed as Ms. Stratus, but I really think Chester McCheesiton should make a comeback. T & A triumph over the power of cheese, and poor Chester bears the brunt of Al and Steve’s disappointment.
The annoying thing about this early WrestleMania is that there aren’t any clip packages to tell me what the build-up was to any of the matches, not even the hyped McMahon feud. Thus, in these matches where there is no title at stake, I can’t really feel invested in the action. Wrestling is all about storytelling. I’m only catching the end of the story, and it’s highly unsatisfying.
That bit of disappointment aside, we have now come to one of my all time favourite matches. I am so excited to watch this! It’s a three way Tag Team Ladder Match (the first ever of its kind) featuring the Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray and D-Von), the Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) and Edge and Christian. I love ladder matches, proper tag teams (not just two wrestlers randomly thrown together for a couple matches and a pay-per-view), and each of these teams. These three teams will face off again next year, and that match will be considered one of the definitive matches in WWE history, but I actually prefer this one.
The coordination of this match is amazing considering that it involves six men. As JR reminds us, despite the fact that it is for the Tag Team title, there is no actual tagging in this match. All contenders are in play at once, and the result is beautiful, organized chaos. A wonderful symmetry is kept up throughout the match—if Bubba is doing a leg drop while Jeff is trapped under a ladder on one side of the ring, Christian is stomping on Matt, also underneath a ladder, on the other side of the ring while D-Von and Edge recover on the outside. Three separate events converging into one focus (have I mentioned how much I love this match?). At one point all six men climb simultaneously atop three ladders trying to catch the belts dangling from the rafters, and together they all come crashing down. Each member of each team gets a highlight moment, including Jeff doing his patented schtick of leaping from heights with no regard for safety
Seriously, this is wrestling at its best. Every man in the ring is working his hardest, not only to make himself look good, but also to make his team mate and opponents look good. I can’t stress enough how much credit these men deserve for putting together such a great match. A certain amount of planning goes into any given match, but a large part of what happens in the ring is improvised. The fact that this match is so well coordinated and paced, and just downright entertaining, is a testament to the skill of the wrestlers involved. They keep up a ridiculously fast pace, never letting up right until the climactic end, when Matt is pushed off a table balanced atop two ladders, falling through a table placed below, and Edge and Christian steal the Tag Team title from the Dudleys. Brilliant.
Also in this match, the Spanish announce table is destroyed. The destruction of the poor Spanish announcers’ work station has become a source of much hilarity for me and Rory. We look forward to it every pay-per-view.
Following what was undoubtedly the high point of this WrestleMania is its low point—the Cat Fight. It is exactly what you think it is, and I am choosing not to talk about it. I’m saving my Rant Energies for later events. JR, bless him, tries to come up with a legitimate reason for this “match,” though he also points out that this spectacle is not to be taken seriously as an example of women’s wrestling. Thanks, JR.
We have yet another tag match next, with the Radicalz (Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, and Perry Saturn) against Chyna and the awesomely ridiculous team of Too Cool (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay. Really.).
It’s so refreshing to see Chyna here. A woman competing against men and being recognized as a legitimate threat does not happen in the WWE today. At all. Not even for women such as Beth Phoenix or Natalya who both look like they can beat any man, any time and have demonstrated enough skill to do so.
Speaking of Chyna, she is largely responsible for her team winning here. She's not a great wrestler by any means, but she does look very intimidating. And, *sigh,* Scotty 2 Hotty breaks out his move “the worm,” much to Rory’s delight and my disbelief that someone actually thought this was a good idea.
And now, a Triple Threat Match (still no one on one action) for the Intercontinental and European belts, both held by Kurt Angle. First pin gets the Intercontinental, second gets the European. The first contestant is first in my wrestling affections and arriving at his first WrestleMania—Chris Jericho. Yup, I’m a Jericholic, and I love him no matter what he does. Good guy or bad guy, bedazzled or besuited, I adore Y2J. Oh right, there are other people in this match. Chris Benoit is here, and I am surprised that the WWE has not tried to superimpose another wrestler in his place until I remember that this DVD set was released before we were all supposed to forget he existed. Kurt Angle is also here, of course, with hair and without the crowd reminding him how much he sucks. That won’t last long. Wait ‘til next year, Kurt!
I suppose I’ll talk a bit about Benoit now. For those who don’t know, Chris Benoit died in 2007, killing himself after killing his wife and son. After the manner of his death came out, the media was quick to cry “’roid rage!” but we'll never know for sure what was going on with him and why he did what he did. Plenty of theories have been put forward, but mostly it remains a meaningless tragedy. Regardless, the WWE, after initially converting the RAW show right after Benoit’s death into a memorial show, has since done its best to distance itself from Benoit. Three years later you will be hard pressed to find an acknowledgement of his existence or accomplishments within the company. For example, during the 2010 Royal Rumble, Shawn Michaels was named as the only man to win the Royal Rumble after starting in the number one spot, even though Benoit did the same thing. Clips of matches he took part in are carefully edited to exclude him. It’s a frustrating situation.
The WWE’s questionable policy decisions aside, the very manner of Benoit’s death is just so different from that of any other dead wrestler (and there are far too many of those). It’s almost impossible to watch him here and ignore the knowledge that he is going to die in seven years’ time. I try to watch his matches objectively and to appreciate his work in the ring, but it’s so hard. The minute his entrance theme hits I feel so sad. He’s not loud and flashy like Jericho, or brashly confident like Angle. He’s got more of a quiet intensity, like he just wants to get to the ring and get to work. I wince every time he takes a shot to the head, and I can’t help wondering, what if that hadn’t happened? Would it have made a difference?
At any rate, Jericho, Benoit, and Angle put on a good match. Benoit wins the Intercontinental Belt, and my beloved Jericho wins the European. Poor Mr. Olympic Medal is left with nothing.
For some reason, we now have another Tag Match (aaaargh!) between X-Pac and Road Dogg (representing DX) and the unlikely team of Rikishi and Kane. The Big Red Monster and the big guy who likes to dance win. The Too Cool team (Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay, for those of you who were able to forget those fabulous names) join Rikishi for a dance party in the ring.
At long last, we’ve arrived at the main event. It’s McMahon versus McMahon, with each member of the family being represented in the ring by the wrestler of their choosing. Vince has The Rock, Linda has Mick Foley, Shane has Big Show, and Stephanie has Triple H. Aside from defending the interests of their chosen McMahon, each man will also be competing for the WWE Championship. I am amused at the sight of a rather svelte Big Show. I often forget how long he’s been around.
Unfortunately, the fact that this is The Big One, the match that means the most, has been overshadowed by this McMahon family business. In fact, it took over this whole WrestleMania. It was the subject of all the backstage clips and hype, and not only this Championship match, but all the others appear to have taken a backseat to “the most dysfunctional family in the world.” I don’t even remember how this feud started, and I’m not particularly interested in who comes out on top (ok, that’s not true. I like Linda best, mostly because she is the least involved in wrestling storylines, and she’s got Mick Foley on her side. And don’t we all love Mick Foley?). A plain Four-Way Match between the always awesome Rock, Trips, and Mick, and the underrated Show, would have been just fine in itself. As I’ve said, the McMahon involvement is distracting and unnecessary.
Big Show is eliminated strangely early, as the match continues for a long time without him, and his early exit really throws me off. The sentimental favorite is Mick (aka Mankind, Cactus Jack, and Dude Love, for those who don’t know), the straight-up villain is Triple H, the nonentity is Big Show, and The Rock is…The Rock. At this point he’s pretty much transcended labels.
The Spanish announce table is decimated again. Mick is eliminated by Trips, but because this was billed as Foley’s last WrestleMania match, he exits the ring to a well-deserved standing ovation. It all comes down to The Rock and Triple H, as we all knew it would. It seems that the match will never end, until Vince, in a typical dastardly move, turns on The Rock, allowing Triple H to pick up the win. However, Rocky recovers and makes the crowd very happy after punishing Vince, Steph, and Hunter. At last, The Rock has returned to WrestleMania! Oh yeah, we smell what he’s cooking.
And that was it. WrestleMania 16. A disappointing start to the decade to be sure, despite one truly awesome match, and a couple of decent ones. We won’t be seeing most of these men again, but some of them are destined for even greater things. Stay tuned for WrestleMania X7! (Yes, “X7” is way cooler than plain ol’ number 17.)
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