JR welcomes us to the festivities. This year he is joined by Paul Heyman, who possesses an intrusively annoying voice.
My beloved (and very sparkly) Chris Jericho is up first, defending his Intercontinental Title against a short-haired William Regal, who also holds the role of Commissioner of the WWE. A clip package shows us that young Jericho took offense to Regal’s uppity Britishness, for lack of a better term, and thus began a feud wherein Jericho is the plucky rebel against Regal’s overbearing Establishment. I really miss Regal having such a large role. In the present, he is relegated to being the foil to Santino’s comedy stylings. The weird thing about William Regal is that he is simultaneously billed as a rough guy from Blackpool who fights dirty and as a stuffy, upper-class Brit. Jericho wins after a successful lionsault, which he is hardly ever permitted to land successfully in the present.
Backstage, Bradshaw is freaking out that he’s at WrestleMania in Houston and his team has got to put on a good show. He, Farooq, and Tazz will be fighting together against the stable known as The Right To Censor. Worst. Name. Ever. And how do we know they are evil corporate killjoys? Because they wear white shirts and ties, of course! Bull Buchanan, Val Venis, and the “Good”father are members of the Censor crew, in a huge departure for Venis, who oversaw the Catfight (offering up several inappropriate remarks, naturally) last year, and the Godfather, last seen with his hos in tow. A lot can change in a year in wrestling! Bradshaw gets the pin for his team.
Here’s hoping this year’s Harcore Match will be better than the last. We’ll be watching Raven vs. Kane (
still with mask!) vs. Big Show (still with hair!). 
Raven is so unfortunately attired. Wow. He’s got super long leather shorts over long white stockings or tights, and his hair is a hideous dyed mixture of red and blonde. Raven, hardcore does not have to equal badly dressed. The fight is immediately taken outside the ring. The three men fight their way through the crowd and the camera fights to get us a decent view. They end up backstage, where Raven is the first to bust out a foreign object, and is then tossed about at Show’s leisure. Raven’s strategy seems to be to keep the hell out of the way while Kane and Show fight each other. His plan is not working, and he ends up thrown through a window by Kane. Being thrown through a window is not something one can fake, incidentally. Eventually, the guys make their way back onto the entrance ramp, where they all fall into a pile of…stuff, and Kane wins. Well, that was exhausting to watch, and much, much better than last year.
Eddie Guerrero and Test, both of whom we saw as members of stables last year (the Radicalz and T & A) will be vying for the European Title tonight. They have a good match, marred only when I am jolted by the realization that both of these men are dead now. After many dastardly shenanigans by Eddie’s pals while the ref’s back is turned, Guerrero wins the belt.
A very young looking Michael Cole (seriously, Cole. It’s only been nine years, but comparing you with yourself on RAW last night, you haven’t been aging very well) interviews Mick Foley, who promises to be a fair and impartial judge while refereeing the match between Vince and Shane McMahon tonight. …And he’s going to do it right here in Houston! *thumbs up* My god, I love Mick Foley.
Kurt Angle, accompanied by his awesome theme, berates Texas as he makes his way to the ring. It is so weird that the American Olympic medal winner is the bad guy in Texas when he’s fighting a Canadian. Kurt Angle is a true professional at making people hate him! The aforementioned Canadian is Chris Benoit. Their match isn’t for a title, but there’s some history behind it, so I’m invested in it from the get-go. I truly enjoy this match. It begins with many prolonged holds, as each is bent on making the other tap out. However, they gradually pick up the pace as the tone goes from “I want to win this way,” to “I just want to beat you!” Both men do such a good job of projecting how much they desperately want to win. There’s a lot of feeling in this match. Angle taps when Benoit applies the Crippler Cross-face, but the ref is unluckily unable to see it. Angle ends up winning in a rather unsportsmanlike way. JR declares that this rivalry is not over.We are reminded that the WWE is BFFs with the military. Fun fact: on the newer DVDs you cannot skip past the recruitment commercials. WWE, I’M CANADIAN! I couldn’t join up even if I wanted to! Which, for the record, I do not.
And backstage, Angle is telling us all how awesome he is when Benoit attacks, once again applies the Cross-face, and once again forces Angle to tap. JR was right!
It’s lady fighting time. Chyna and Ivory will be vying for the Women’s Championship. Ivory is member of Right to Censor, which means we are again treated to the assault on the ears that is their “theme” (it’s just a bunch of alarms and sirens going off). There’s no contest here; Chyna just crushes Ivory and it's done.
Well, there certainly have been big doings in McMahon Land after last year’s debacle. Let’s see: Steph is still Daddy’s little girl, but Daddy has acquired an, er, “assistant” in Trish Stratus (hang in there, Trish! Your time is coming soon!). Their goings-on led to Vince actually demanding a divorce from Linda, which didn’t happen, but Linda is now being kept “heavily medicated” while being wheeled around by Trish. Shocking! Shane did not take kindly to his old man making eyes at a young, hot blonde, and so the young McMahon has taken a stand. Vince sought to buy WCW, but Shane beat him to it. Sneaky Shane! Shane is identifying with the underdogs, you see. If there’s one thing Vince knows, it’s how much people love to hate him. They are going to solve their differences at Wrestlemania (where else?) and Mick Foley is guest refereeing, for some reason. Undoubtedly because we all love Mick Foley. Vince is accompanied to the ring by Steph, who still insists on crimping the hell out of her hair.
Paul Heyman loudly lauds this match as “McMahon vs. McMahon” like we’ve never seen such a thing before. He is also vocally on Vince’s side and constantly shouts down JR. It’s so annoying. I get it, Paul. You’re the heel commentator. You like the bad guys. Chill.
Down goes the Spanish announce table, as Shane falls through it.
But what’s this? Here come Trish and Linda! Vince wants Linda to witness Shane’s downfall. Trish is wearing the most ludicrous thick-heeled sparkly, silver boots, by the way. She has a hard time of it when she leans down to slap Shane. And then…OMG! Trish turns and slaps Steph! What shenanigans are these? We ponder this as Trish continues to beat Steph and chase her from ringside. Steph runs like a stereotypical girl. Trish runs…with great difficulty in those boots.
Vince is still determined to do some sort of dastardly deed. Mick tries to stop him from hurting Linda (that’s why we love you, Mick!), but Vince overcomes him and forces Linda into the ring. She will be forced to watch her husband beat her son with garbage cans (it’s a Street Fight. Anything goes.). But when his back is turned, Linda rises! She wasn’t heavily sedated after all! She kicks him in a rather uncomfortable place, which the crowd loves. Mick also gets some of his own back, which we all love. Shane is left to execute his one awesome move and thus pick up the win. And so we close the book on the McMahon family story for another year. The plot was more complex this year, but at least it didn’t dominate the night’s festivities.
Now we have a repeat of sorts from last year, with the Hardys vs. the Dudleys. vs. Edge and Christian. It’s the same idea as before, only this time tables, ladders, and chairs will all be legal (the Hardy’s specialize in ladders, the Dudleys in tables, and Edge and Christian in chairs). These three teams were the first to compete in a TLC six man tag match at a PPV that took place before WrestleMania. This match is for the Tag Titles again (held by the Dudleys), but it’s also a bit more personal than last year. There were a series of attacks perpetrated by each team on allies of the others prior to WrestleMania.
Matt and Jeff are wearing horrible mesh shirts. That’s not very Extreme, guys. Extremely lame, maybe. Edge and Christian look completely ridiculous, but that’s kind of their thing, so I cut them some slack.
This time everyone seems to be fighting in teams of three, with one team and one opponent, or three opponents, in the ring at a time. Jeff and Matt, especially Jeff, fall from high places (they also ditch the mesh shirts, to the delight of many a fangirl), the Dudleys GET THE TABLES, and Edge and Christian are generally awesome.
Then, after all six men have fallen off ladders and are trying to get back into things, Spike Dudley runs in and gets revenge on Edge and Christian. Then in comes Rhyno, friend to Edge and Christian, to take on the Hardys and Dudleys. And then it’s Lita, member of Team Xtreme along with Matt and Jeff, first attacking Edge and then going head to head with Rhyno. Here’s what I love here: Nobody goes, “OMG! A girl! I can’t fight a girl. I must stand here looking uncertain and uncomfortable.” No. Not only does Lita have a perfectly legitimate reason to be there, she gives as good as she gets, holding her own with the men. Why does this never happen anymore?
For a few minutes there is pure chaos, with the teams and their associates going at it. Eventually Jeff takes care of Spike and Rhyno (by falling onto them from atop a ladder, naturally), and Lita just kind of…disappears, and we are left with the six original combatants.
There is clearly a conscious effort to make things even more extreme than they were last year. Jeff falls off of even taller ladders. At one point Christian and D-Von are left dangling in mid-air, clinging to the suspended belts after their ladders are knocked out from under them. Jeff dangles, too, and then Edge spears him by leaping from mid-ladder!! Matt and Bubba Rae fall from a huge ladder, over the ring ropes, and through two tables. “Holy shit,” indeed, audience.
My one complaint is that the match ends rather abruptly. Christian, Edge, and D-Von are all climbing a ladder and then Christian just grabs the belts. There was no proper build-up the way there was last year. I wasn’t even close to being ready for that match to be over. At any rate, once again Edge and Christian have taken the Tag Belts from the Dudleys.
Just like last year, tonight’s “Really? This got booked?” match is coming after the awesome tag match. This year, it’s the Gimmick Battle Royale. Yes, every wrestler with a ridiculous gimmick that they could dig up has returned to the WWE to revel in their ridiculousness. No, I’m not going to talk about it.
The Undertaker, in his biker persona, will now be taking on Triple H, in his, erm, Triple H persona. There was a lot of build-up to this; Trips even took a sledgehammer to Taker’s bike. That’s just not polite! Motorhead is here to give a live version of Triple H’s theme, which is one of my favorites, by the way.
The Spanish announce table goes down a minute into the match. Triple H tries to use his hammer, but referee Mike Chioda will not stand for such shenanigans. Unfortunately, his conscientious reffing earns him some punishment. While Mr. Chioda lies in the ring (he was just trying to make sure the rules were being followed, poor guy), Taker and Triple H take the fight into and above the crowd. Everyone enjoys watching the Undertaker toss Hunter around, they even get a “Holy shit!” chant from the crowd. Mostly, this match allows the Undertaker to look good in front of his home town crowd (and here I was thinking his hometown was either Death Valley or Parts Unknown). It’s a fairly good match, and Undertaker continues his undefeated WrestleMania streak, riding out of the ring on his shiny bike.
The main event tonight is the Rock versus Stone Cold Steve Austin, battling for the Championship belt currently held by the Rock in a real clash of the titans. Stone Cold’s theme has words this evening; I’ve never heard it with words before. I have to say, I like the music only version much better. Austin is also wearing some impressive knee braces; I hate to think of the amount of pain he must have been in during these later years of his career.
The match starts out furiously, with both men fighting to get their signature moves in. The Spanish announcers have not been given a new table, I’m sorry to say. JR and Heyman lose their table, too. It’s a no-disqualification match, so anything goes. The ref tries to keep some order anyway, and, just like poor Mike Chioda before him, is disrespected by both competitors. I demand more rights for referees! Rocky and Stone Cold both get bloodied foreheads about halfway through the match. Gross. I honestly don’t think the crowd cares who wins; they’re just soaking up watching these two huge stars go head to head.
Not only do they use their own moves; they also use each other’s: The Rock executes a Stunner on Austin, Austin Rockbottoms the Rock (thankfully, Austin does not attempt the People’s Elbow. Ridiculous.). They also both use the Sharpshooter on each other. It seems that they’ll just destroy one another and neither will win, but then Mr. McMahon strolls down to ringside. He pulls the Rock off of Austin when it seems a three-count is imminent. How dastardly! Even worse, it seems that Stone Cold and Mr. McMahon are in league with one another. There is a collective “GUH-WHAA?!?” moment. This is not the Rattlesnake we know and love, always giving the middle finger to the Man (or the McMahon, if you will)! Has Stone Cold gone…corporate? A number of miraculous kick-outs by the Rock follow this startling revelation, but with Vince cheering him on, Austin wins the match and the Title.
We are left to puzzle out this bizarre bit of teamwork between Vince and Stone Cold. JR is horrified, but the Rattlesnake doesn’t seem to care as he downs some beers with the boss in the ring. And with that, WrestleMania X 7 comes to a close.
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