WrestleMania 25 (2009)

It’s the 25^th anniversary of WrestleMania! Woo! Naturally, we must have an opening montage to celebrate. It asks various wrestlers what the biggest WrestleMania moment was. It’s cool to see everyone’s response.  There are some common touchstones, but it’s nifty to see what stood out to different people.  Montage of matches to come, and things look pretty epic.

We’re in Houston Texas for the big anniversary. Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is here to sing America the Beautiful. She has this odd habit of constantly holding her left hand in the air. It’s very distracting.

Do I even need to mention how spectacular the opening pyro is? JR welcomes us home.  He’s with Cole and JR, and it’s the first time we’ve only had one announce table in quite a while.

Money in the Bank is starting things off, which seems silly to me, as I firmly believe it should be the main event every year. CM Punk, last year's glorious winner, is here. There are also Mark Henry, MVP (also the United States champion), Finlay (still with *sigh* Hornswoggle, and wearing a very strange armour/coat get up), Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston (in his first WrestleMania), Christian (getting a HUGE ovation for his WrestleMania return), and Kane, who really has nothing better to do than beat people up. Money in the Bank is pretty much Kane’s hangout when he isn’t fighting the Undertaker. As usual, I love everyone here, except Mark Henry.

There’s a ladder cluster early on after the smaller guys clear out Kane and Henry only to be toppled by them. It’s quite poetic, really. There’s a load of everyone diving out of the ring onto each other. Punk and Kofi dive out together, which is pretty awesome, until Shelton Benjamin dives onto everyone from ATOP A LADDER (“holy shit!” says the crowd). He's Shelton Benjamin, bitches. The crowd is pretty solidly behind everyone, except maybe Henry. He’s the only one drawing boos, but as he’s the only real villain it makes sense. Everyone else gets lots of appreciation, which I always like to see in these matches. Kofi does his best Shelton Benjamin impression and it’s pretty awesome. Christian and Punk engage in some risky business atop a horizontally placed ladder. Oh wow, everyone really wants Christian to do this.  It’s down to him, Punk, and Kane, then just Punk and Kane. Punk wins! For the second year in a row! The crowd is pretty divided about this. I kinda wanted Christian to win too, but this is fine! 

My only complaint is that the match was over too quickly and Kofi was out of things too early. There was very little of having everyone in the ring at the same time, but everyone did a fantastic job. There was brawling and high flying and much greatness in between. Some highlights below.

*Sigh* Do I have to talk about this next bit? All right, let’s do this shit. So after the well-executed, exciting, crowd pleasing opening match, we cut away and then back to find a 25 diva battle royale ALREADY IN SESSION.  No entrances. Not even a roll call to inform us of all the participants. I assume this is because the WWE assumed that we wouldn’t care. Hey, WWE: No one is going to care unless you care first! The match isn’t even for the Women's Championship. Nope, these women are competing over the right to be crowned Miss WrestleMania. Seriously. No entrances , no title, no cohesion to this match, no fucks given by anyone with the power to change this. Fuck this. Fuck this so hard. The crowd is dead, of course. God, what a clusterfuck. In the ring I can spot Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, Victoria, Natalya, Michelle McCool, Melina, and Molly Holly, any combination of whom would have resulted in a great match. But no, we get this.

You guys, that’s not even the best (worst) part. The best part is that the winner is Santina Marella. Who is Santina? Oh, I’ll tell you. Santina is the clever female disguise of Santino Marella, masquerading as his “sister.” You may remember him for such acts as stealing the thunder of the women at last year’s WrestleMania too. You see, after this farce of a “match” was announced, Santino decided that he wanted to compete, because what this division really needed was for a man to steal the spotlight. After he was denied, Santina mysteriously showed up here. And it’s extra funny because a man dressing as a woman is the most HILARIOUS THING EVER. I mean, seriously, who the hell would want to be a woman? Women are the least desirable entities in the world, except for use as window dressing. If you're a woman, you can't compete in manly bouts of manliness! The horror! The only reason one could conceivably want to be a woman would be to steal a meaningless title from other women, amirite?

The match does get good when we’re down to Mickie, Michelle, Beth, and Melina…and Santina. The waste of talent here is staggering. Lowest WrestleMania point for the women? Yes. Absolutely. Fuck this. Fuck this FOREVER. Oh, it’s SO FUNNY to make a mockery of the entire women’s division by literally making it the punch line to a joke. Fucking hell. Again.

Anyway, here is my beloved Chris Jericho to save my sanity. He has become a bad guy again, and this time he’s picking on old men. Specifically, Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and Ric Flair, all of whom he says are just aging parasites. Jericho also doesn’t wear sparkles anymore, instead wearing snappy suits, which is fine by me. His character has shifted to a soft spoken, concentrated ball of anger. It’s a pretty drastic change, but brilliantly executed, and I love that Jericho consciously set out to do something different. However, my eternal love for him will not prevent me from cheering for Piper to beat up such a disrespectful whippersnapper. Oh, Mickey Rourke is here too, because he made a movie about wrestlers. Celebrity quota is filled for the year.

Steamboat looks fantastic for his age. Snuka looks about half dead, sadly. Piper looks like Roddy Piper: a little squirrelly but ready to brawl. Flair is Flair. Piper takes on Jericho first, not doing too badly. Snuka moves really stiffly. The Dragon is fucking amazing. Snuka taps to the Walls. Then Jericho pins Piper. Watching Jericho and Steamboat go one on one is pretty awesome. Jericho ends up winning, but he gets his comeuppance from Mickey Rourke. It was awfully nice of Jericho to spend most of the match selling for the legends. That is why he is awesome.

Hardy vs. Hardy! So it seems that Matt’s gone bad since we last saw him, turning on his brother Jeff in retaliation for Jeff being more popular. So Matt perpetrated a number of secret attacks against Jeff, to the point of burning down Jeff’s house and KILLING HIS DOG. That shit is EXTREME! This would be a pretty interesting story, but both the Hardys are such terrible actors. As a tag team they really just had to be themselves. Neither of them can manage much anger here, more’s the pity.

All the EXTREME EMOTIONS!

Anyway, now they’re having an Extreme Rules match, as one would expect from feuding Hardys. Matt’s got a bitchin’ coat as part of his new bad guy gear. The best part of this is King defending Matt’s more bizarre attacks on Jeff, resulting in astounded silence from JR and Cole. Oh, classic King.

Matt takes the lead early on, pulling any number of strange things out from under the ring to batter Jeff with. Then Jeff gets his own back and the bashing continues. JR tries very hard to convince us of the significance of this brother vs. brother angle. Yes, JR, I get it. Siblings turning on each other is the WORST THING EVER. Matt wins after Jeff nearly kills himself falling off a ladder, as usual. The match was pretty good. All the Hardys ever needed to do was fall down in EXTREME fashion. It doesn’t sound like much, but, believe me, they were really good at falling down. When you’re good at one thing, do it EXTREMELY well.  The match did lag a bit near the end, and despite the fact that Matt and Jeff have wrestled together for years, I didn’t get a sense of fluency here. It seemed a bit choppy in places. 

Randy Orton is hanging with his Legacy buddies, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase, backstage. Randy is in full Viper mode.

Intercontinental Championship match. JBL is defending the belt against Rey Mysterio. JBL takes his time getting to the ring, insulting Texas the entire way, the magnificent bastard. Rey is the Joker this year and he’s kind of frightening. I dig the lime green suspenders, though.

 The match lasts all of five seconds before Rey wins his first Intercontinental title. Now, I love Rey and I begrudge him no titles, but I do not understand the decision here. Rory still cries about this match at night. Why would you not have a real match between JBL and Rey? That would be awesome! JBL is in utter shock. So he quits. Well, if you’re going to quit you might as well do it at WrestleMania. But…really? Why? Supposedly all of this was JBL’s idea and his loss and quitting admittedly get a huge reaction out of the crowd. Really, this is the best way for a bad guy to go, but it still feels like we’re being cheated.

Hype montage for HBK vs. the Undertaker. The epicness, it slays me. I get chills just in anticipation of this match. Shawn enters from on high (they’re working a heaven and hell thing), dressed in white, like a show-stopping angel.  Taker enters from below dressed as…the Undertaker. What else do you want? The crowd is buzzing and HBK and Taker are all business.

Shawn can only be dramatic for so long, but luckily Taker is a drama queen...er, undead king.

What can I say about this match? It’s so wonderfully paced, so even, so tense, so beautifully executed. This is about as close to wrestling perfection as it gets. I know Shawn is going to lose. I don’t care. I’m living and dying with him on every pin, every Tombstone and Chokeslam, every hold, every Superkick. The back and forth is perfect. And let’s not sell the Undertaker short; it takes two to tango and who tangos better than Taker? He starts out looking pretty unfazed, but as the match rolls on you can see him becoming more and more frustrated that he just can’t put the tenacious HBK away. Their offence only becomes more furious as they get more tired.  Shawn doesn’t even tap to the Super Special Instant Death hold (also known as Hell’s Gate, but I prefer my name). They start banking on that One Spectacular Move to win it all, but both men just refuse to go down, constantly thwarting and countering each other, being sapped by both their offence and defence. Also, Taker’s facial expressions, as always, are priceless.

The Undertaker finally wins after a battle for the ages. Watch this match. If you never watch another wrestling match, watch this match. To see these 40ish year old men (ancient by wrestling standards) go for half an hour in a match of this quality is astounding. This is why I watch wrestling. I would post highlights of the match, but you really can't fully appreciate it unless you watch the whole thing. 

Moving on after that bit of awesomeness: Edge took the World Heavyweight belt from Cena and then was set to defend it against Big Show at WrestleMania. But that wily Cena wasn’t finished with Edge. Cena cut a deal with Vickie, still Edge’s wife and General Manager of Raw and Smackdown, to let him in on the match because he had some dirt on the former Mrs. Guererro. Turns out she had something of a fling with Big Show, which Cena ended up telling everyone anyway. Kind of a douche move, Cena. But he got his title shot out of it, so we’ve got ourselves a three-way match. And Cena, despite weaselling his way in in a most weaselly manner, still tries to sell himself as the underdog, citing Edge and Vickie’s shenanigans and the fact that he just wants to FIGHT, dammit, and have no part of any drama.

Vickie is rolled out to ringside by loyal nephew Chavo. Then Edge enters, looking apprehensive, but ready for business.   Big Show looks disgruntled. For Cena’s entrance he has an army of Cena look-alikes come out before him. It’s a little creepy. They all do the U Can’t C Me wave as Cena comes out, with a For Serious face of his own.  He gets a whole lot of boos, though.

Cena tries to start out strong, but Big Show pretty much shoulders him aside. Edge tries to set up an alliance with Big Show, but Show will have none of it because he’s seen this show before. There’s some back and forth, mostly between Show and Cena. Chavo attempts to interfere, but Cena won’t have it. Show gets caught in the ropes and Cena takes some time to beat on Edge. He can take his pick of whom to pin, but he stops for some showboating because: Cena. Then Vickie starts shrieking at ringside, predictably leading to Edge accidentally spearing her when Cena steps aside. Show is still caught in the ropes and I refuse to believe he can’t get out of the ropes by himself. That just looks silly. He finally frees himself and unleashes the same set of moves on Edge and Cena. Then Show and Cena are both laid out outside the ring. Edge tries to capitalize, but mostly succeeds in keeping himself and Show out of the ring. Not being able to shift Show, Edge turns to Cena and gets him back in the ring. Edge tries to spear the groggy Cena, but Cena is miraculously able to dodge and puts Edge in the STF. Then Big Show drags Cena off and takes over Edge Smashing duty. Edge and Cena team up to suplex Show, which is kind of cool. Then they knock Show out of the ring and Edge immediately turns on Cena because: Edge.

There's a ctually a neat bit of characterization here, if you want to see it that way (and I always do). The look on Cena’s face before the team-up indicated that he clearly wondered if he should trust Edge, but then he was determined to go for it and then was caught off guard by Edge's sudden but inevitable betrayl. I think Cena the character just can’t fathom someone like Edge. He cannot wrap his head around someone who will always, ALWAYS take the slimy way out. Edge ,of course, was calculating and doing his darndest to get Cena on his side, however briefly. After smacking Cena down afterward, he barely even reacts. There’s no glee or malice; this is just what he DOES.

Anyway, Cena lifts both Edge and Show onto his shoulders, then takes out Show for the win. Nice Miraculous Comeback, John. Ah well. It was a good match. Seemed slow to me, but neither Show nor Cena are speed demons and there was a lot of recovery time. Still, I did like the interactions between the men and story-wise it is satisfying for the guy in it for the fightin’ and not the love triangle to triumph, even if said guy actually CONTRIBUTED to the triangle, but whatever. I feel like the match mostly involved one man dumping the other guys outside the ring, without much real rhythm. Not a terrible match, by any means. It also suffered from coming right after Taker/Michaels.

Hall of Fame induction. Dory and Terry Funk, Koko B. Ware, the Von Erich family (represented by Kevin), Cowboy Bill Watts, Howard Finkel, Ricky Steamboat, and Steve Austin are all inducted.  After everyone is announced, Austin leaves and comes back out on an ATV, because: Stone Cold. He rides around the ring and then downs some beers in the ring. He even shares with JR. Awww. Watching a man drink beer in a wrestling ring should not be as entertaining as this.

Main event is Triple H vs. Randy Orton, for the WWE Championship (held by Triple H) but also as part of their neverending war since Randy was kicked out of Evolution. I actually really like their history. It’s a fascinating story, Randy Orton’s non-existent acting ability notwithstanding. Randy tells us in a montage that ever since Hunter was a big meanie to him, he vowed to ruin Triple H’s life, as one does. After winning a chance to face Triple H for the WWE title, he then went after Hunter’s in-laws, laying out Vince and Steph in particularly dastardly fashion. Hunter responded by attacking Orton with a sledgehammer in his own home and then taking out Cody and Ted, not that Randy even gives a shit about those two. As a last act of eeeeevil, Randy took out Steph AGAIN and then kissed her unconscious form because: Crazypants Orton. I have to say, all-out Batshit Crazy Orton can be a really great bad guy when he also puts effort into his matches. He really can be an effective loose cannon. Shane and Vince have Hunter’s back: McMahons are the only ones allowed to beat on each other! And so we arrive at WrestleMania. There is a match stipulation that if Triple H is disqualified or counted out, he will still lose the belt, as per Vickie’s orders.



Hunter is on his way to the ring when he runs into Shane and Vince backstage, looking all corporate and shit. They share a manly nod of revenge solidarity. Shane keeps nodding after Hunter has left. Shane, you can switch it off now.

Randy enters and nearly undoes the good will done by that awesome video package by just kind of…strolling to the ring looking bored. I think he’s going for “quiet, confident intensity,” but…just no, Randy. Oh my god, this is taking FOREVER. Interest levels rapidly falling.

FINALLY Triple H enters and I can get pumped again. He’s got his hammer in hand (not a euphemism, though I wouldn’t be surprised someday if Hunter legit just whips out his dick to show us all how much bigger it is than ANYONE ELSE’S EVER). He uses the hammer to shatter glass before walking through it, which was a neat effect. 

Pre-match manly stare down, not at all charged with homoeroticism.

Randy, just ONE emotion, I’m begging you. Look at Hunter. Look at all that anger and suppressed violence. THIS is why you got kicked out of Legacy, Randy. Until you learn to tread the boards properly, it’s supporting roles for you!

Hunter starts out strong, not in a flurry of EXTEME ANGER as one might expect, but carefully and with purpose. Remember, he has to be careful not to be DQ’d. Orton RKOs Hunter and Hunter Pedigrees Orton early on and neither of them instantly roll over, so you know we’re in for Extra Special Destructive Times. Triple H remembers to stay a bit groggy because he has been RKOd, and this is why I love Triple H, despite everything.

Orton gets cute, asking Triple H to “wait” while he gets his bearings back, and who did he think he was dealing with? Triple H continues to punish Orton, still keeping an even pace, methodically dealing him pain. But Orton comes back and turns the tables, flipping Hunter over a barricade, clearly hoping for a count-out. That would be way too easy, though, and Hunter crawls back to the ring. Randy FNALLY does some good facial work here, unable to hide his fiendish glee.

He starts viciously beating on Hunter and the ref has to remind him that he can be DQ’d too. I don’t think he hears the warning, because he gets right back to the beatdown. Back and forth, back and forth. Much recovering and desperate countering, not that it looks all that desperate; the announcers just keep telling me both of them are acting on PURE INSTINCT. There’s certainly a lot of staggering around.

Finally Randy goes for the Punt, but Triple H grabs his leg, which I wonder why more people don’t do, and flips Orton out of the ring. Surely, this must be leading to a denouement? More punishment first, as Orton is smashed into the Spanish announce table (they had it coming). The ref reminds Hunter not to get DQ’d but he’s in a RAGE! He opts not to bash Orton with a monitor, but isn’t done with destroying tables. Orton counters the Pedigree YET AGAIN and Triple H doesn’t even have the grace to actually break through the table. Hunter starts to be counted out again, but makes it back into the ring AGAIN. But Orton keeps beating on him and it’s kind of boring. Kick kick kick punch punch punch. Orton knocks Triple H into the ref, meaning the ref can’t complete the count when there’s another RKO. But, oho, Randy’s going to be even MORE eeeeevil, taking Hunter’s sledgehammer from under the ring while the ref is still out. However, Hunter gets a Punt in and then all three men are lying in the ring. Hunter grabs the hammer and uses it, then manages to hide it so the ref won’t be able to see. Orton gets punched some more and the ref gets back up. There’s a Pedigree with no counter and Triple H finally wins.

I guess that wasn’t a BAD match, but I can’t say I enjoyed it. Orton displayed all of his limited moveset, and whenever Triple H starts selling early on, you know it’s just going to lead to a Miraculous Comeback. He spent a lot of time recovering and Orton had to provide the momentum for the match, which he couldn’t do.

And we’re done! Overall, an excellent WrestleMania, shameful treatment of the women (and the tag division, which got a pre-show match wherein Carlito and Primo Colon defeated The Miz and John Morrison to unify the Tag titles) aside. As usual, highlights are below.

And we’re also done with this series! I can’t believe all the time I spent thinking and typing about all ten of these WrestleManias, but I’m glad I did it. As I said in my very first post, one of things I love most about wrestling is its history, and to have recorded some of it for my own enjoyment has been a fun experience. Wrestling continues to both inspire and infuriate me, sometimes for reasons I can’t even properly explain. It’s just like magic.

What Now?

This isn’t normally a confessional sort of blog (aside from admitting that I used to like Matt Hardy). However, I unexpectedly reached a crisis as a wrestling fan and there’s some stuff I need to sort out.

On Monday, there was an incident on Raw at the beginning of the show that upset me so much I couldn’t fully enjoy the rest of the evening. I was still upset the next day and I’m still upset now, to the point where I am asking myself if I should continue to watch WWE. This has never happened before.

This is what happened: The story began with Zack Ryder becoming enamoured with Eve Torres, but she took a while to warm up to him. At the same time, over the past few months, Zack’s friendship with John Cena has been played up. On the night when Eve finally consented to go on a date with Zack, Kane attacked them. These attacks continued over the past couple months, as a way for Kane to get under Cena’s skin and get him to “embrace the hate.” With Zack becoming confined to a wheelchair, it fell to Cena to start rescuing Eve.  After becoming trapped in an ambulance driven by Kane (shut up, it’s wrestling), and saved by Cena, Eve kissed Cena, not realizing that, in true soap operatic fashion, poor Zack was right there in his wheelchair with flowers for her (yes, it was Valentine’s Day). Zack wheeled off and later in the show accused Cena of being a bad friend, even going so far as to hit him, while Cena restrained himself from hitting back. So far, so good.

On Monday, the show began with Eve chatting with Niki and Brie Bella who, uncharacteristically, were concerned about Zack and surmised that Eve must be really worried about him. However, Eve, after giving a wholly unconvincing evil cackle, revealed that she had been using Zack all along in order to get to Cena, which would then further her career (and apparently her evil plan involved getting terrorized by Kane? Oh, wrestling logic, how you do not exist).

Cena overheard Eve’s confession and promptly hightailed it to the ring to tell us all about it. In the minutes that followed, he called her a skank, a ho, and a bitch, and implied that she had a venereal disease, actively encouraging the audience to chant “hoeski” (a play on one of Zack’s phrases, “broski”) at her when she came out. He blamed her for the loss of his friendship with Zack. That’s right. John Cena, with the words Rise Above Hate emblazoned on his T-Shirt, the man at the forefront of the WWE’s Be a STAR anti-bullying campaign, slut shamed a woman in front of thousands of people.

That was bad enough. What followed was one of the most deeply uncomfortable things I have ever watched. Eve came out to try and explain herself, but under the onslaught of Cena’s barbs, she started crying and collapsed in the ring. When Cena started to help her up (because he’s such a class act), she tried to embrace him and begged for him to just listen, still crying. All while Cena motioned for a ref to come in and pull her off. (This led to the gem, “I’ll have you know I’m disease free and would like to stay that way.” Hi-larious).

Cena exited the ring to cheers, a smile on his face. Eve stayed in the ring, still crying, still unable to support herself, finally being escorted (half carried, half dragged) away by a couple of refs, chants of “hoeski” following her the whole way. Lesson learned: Women are manipulative whores who will ruin your friendships. So sayeth Cena, the role model for children.

This is not ok. In the context of the narrative, this doesn’t even make sense. Eve was not actually dating Zack Ryder. She kissed Cena, but HE KISSED HER BACK (though this was undoubtedly the result of her Super Skank powers, I’m sure). Hell, it might have been ok if they had even just kept her defiant about her plan: She works in a division wherein the women are lucky to get two minutes of screen time a week. Why shouldn’t she try and hitch a ride with someone who can actually help her? But no; instead she dissolved into tears, being nought but a woman who wronged her (supposed) man. We can all feel good about ourselves knowing that Cena put that bitch in her place.

You guys: Slut shaming is not ok. Not ever. It wasn’t wrong for Cena to criticize Eve for being manipulative and dishonest, but you’d better fucking believe it was wrong for him to criticize her for her sexuality, whether real or perceived. Kissing a man does not make you whore. NOTHING makes you a whore except actually being a prostitute, and even then no one has the right to shame you for that.

The WWE converts women into nothing more than sexual objects and then vilifies them for it. It’s wrong. And it’s nothing new. That’s the rub. Look at this blog. Every single post contains commentary on how the WWE continually misuses its female employees.

I excuse this shit all the time. I know the WWE is a den of misogynist messages. Fun fact: there is not a single woman on the WWE’s writing team. People long for the days of yore: When Molly Holly was called fat? When Lita was called a whore? When Trish Stratus was forced on her hands and knees to bark like a dog? This isn’t ok. It’s NEVER BEEN ok. No amount of good matches and the occasional good storyline excuses stuff like this. I keep looking for progression and thinking that I find it. There aren’t any lingerie matches any more, sure; instead, Eve is called a whore because John Cena had a falling out with his BFF.

So why do I keep watching?

I’m going to get personal here. I normally don’t hold with exposing a lot of my inner self on the internet, but this is relevant.

I watched Raw the night after my Dad told me that he and my Mom were getting separated, on February 14, 2011 (guess who is never celebrating Valentine’s Day again?). That night the Rock came back and announced that he would be hosting WrestleMania 28. At the point when I never thought I was going to be happy again, the Rock made me smile. At that moment I decided that the world could pretty much go fuck itself; wrestling was here for me and always would be.

From then on I focused most of my energy onto wrestling. Being a nerd, I always tend to throw myself wholeheartedly into things I like, but now I dissected every match and tracked character development (yes, it exists in wrestling) like never before. I didn’t talk about my feelings about my parents, but I could tell you in great detail why CM Punk deserved to be the top star in the company.  After being flung into chaos when I felt (and still feel) that the foundation on which I’d built my life had been torn out from under me, I landed on wrestling. For better or for worse.

That’s what wrestling has meant to me. It made sense to me when nothing else did.

But what do I mean to the WWE? As a fan, I know that I really don’t mean much to the company, except as a potential spender. I view wrestling as an art, sometimes as great art. I would say that the majority of wrestlers (the good ones, at least) also consider themselves artists. The WWE considers itself a money making machine. That’s not a criticism; companies exist to make money.

So I’ve long realized that the WWE does not really care about me as a fan, but what about me as a woman?

The WWE does not understand how women work. The women have two characters (if they have a character at all): Nice Girl and Mean Girl. Let’s be clear: This is wrestling, not classical literature. Nearly everyone is a trope, but there is a particular lack of nuance to the female roster. If the WWE is even aware of its female fanbase, I think they think that women all hate each other. They think we don’t want to see the women succeed, so they trot out endless short matches in order to give the men something pretty to look at. So, not only does the WWE not understand me, but based on John Cena’s tirade against Eve, it thinks my every move as a woman is suspect.

The WWE has been of infinite value to me in navigating a difficult part of my life. What am I supposed to do with the notion that they think it is fine—even ENTERTAINING—to slut shame one of its employees?

As I already said, I keep hoping that things will get better. Here’s another thing I do: I analyze the romantic relationships in every fictional work I encounter and decry the ones held up as ideal, but are really grossly unhealthy. As some can attest, I will talk at great length about why Buffy and Spike could not and should have a functional relationship. Most people also know how I feel about the central relationship in Twilight.

Am I in an unhealthy relationship?

I’ve posted many links in the past to feminist media. I feel like a fraud. The WWE has never had a good track record regarding treatment of women. It still doesn’t. Sure, the night before the Eve Episode featured an excellent PPV match between Beth Phoenix and Tamina Snuka, wherein both women were presented as equals and capable of dominating the ring—but Lita still had good matches while the crowd was screaming that she was a whore, too.

I don’t know what to do. There are so many facets to the WWE’s product. In some ways, it’s an exciting time. There are lots of new and young guys finally getting a chance for a spotlight to show what they can do. I love watching them and seeing how this new phase of the company is developing. What I can’t reconcile is the ways in which it is NOT developing.

What do you do when the thing you love doesn’t love you back?

WrestleMania 24 (2008)

Jets fly over Orlando as we open WrestleMania 24. It’s outdoors this year and things look a bit rainy. Whatever, seeing WrestleMania outside would be sweet. John Legend sings America the Beautiful and does a lovely job. Hey guys, did you know that WrestleMania is awesome? In case you haven’t got that message, here’s the usual montage of what Serious Business this is. Apparently the theme is that Anything Can Happen in a Year. Surprises are around every corner! Changes! New, shiny shenanigans! Actually, there were a ton of injuries and returns this year, so it was a pretty interesting time in the land of WWE.

The opening pyro is even more impressive outdoors, as we are welcomed by JR.

We open with a Belfast Brawl, to be fought by the ever dastardly JBL and Finlay the fightin’ Irishman. Remember Hornswoggle the leprechaun? Well, earlier in the year it was revealed that he was Mr. McMahon’s illegitimate son. Yeah. And JBL beat up on the little guy. For some reason. Finlay then tried to intercede for his former son, but JBL is just. So. Evil. And in a twist of twists, JBL then revealed that Hornswoggle is actually Finlay’s son! With that nonsense out of the way, a brawl between Finlay and JBL is bound to be awesome and I don’t care about the rest of this bullshit.

There are no Disqualifications in a Belfast Brawl and JBL goes to work on Finlay as soon as the Irishman reaches the ring. Foreign objects are introduced and much bashing ensues. Finlay does a suicide dive out of the ring only to be hit with a garbage can lid in midair. He doesn’t land too well, but of course gets right back into things because Finlay really is that tough. JBL throws a garbage can at Hornswoggle just because he is that evil.

JBL wins after a Clothesline From Hell. Evil! Yeah, that was as good an opening match as we’ve had in a while. Was the premise of this silly and do I wish that these two had a feud that didn’t involve bastard leprechaun children? Totally, but that was a good brawl and an excellent way to get the crowd pumped.

Kim Kardashian is guest hosting for some reason. She could not possibly do less interesting line readings. 

Money in the Bank! Money in the Bank! Let excitement ensue! John Morrison (also a Tag Champion) has his first WrestleMania match. He’s very sparkly and likes to flip about. The rest are familiar faces: Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Mr. Kennedy, MVP (also United States Champion), and…MY BELOVED CHRIS JERICHO!! Ah, yes, the return of awesomeness. And he’s also the Intercontinental Champion. He’s so shiny and brilliant…Gah! So excited for this match!

Everyone immediately goes for a ladder except for MVP, who picks off the ladder pickers. John Morrison tries to out-Shelton Benjamin everyone with a moonsault whilst holding a ladder. Shelton Benjamin then out-John Morrison’s everyone because…he’s Shelton Benjamin, bitches. Everyone seems to be taking turns in the ring while everyone else just kind of chills outside. It’s not my favourite way to run a multi-man match, but I’ll forgive it here as I think all these guys deserve to have a turn in the spotlight. Just when it looks like MVP is going to win, Matt Hardy runs in. He was sidelined by MVP months ago and now ruins his foe’s chances at winning the match, just like he ruins EVERYTHING (just kidding. I remember when I still liked you, Matt). It looks like Jericho is going to win, but Punk crawls his way back up and yeah, it’s pretty awesome to see my two favourite wrestlers battling like this. And my not-quite-as-beloved-as-Chris-Jericho CM Punk wins! Yay!

What an awesome match. There were good battles, good pacing, surprises, my pick won, and Shelton Benjamin continued to be the real Mr. Money in the Bank. I can ask for no more.

Cena, Orton, and Triple H all have their For Serious faces on backstage.

This year’s Hall of Fame includes Mae Young, Rocky Johnson, the High Chief Peter Maivia, Ric Flair, Jack and Gerry Brisco, Gordon Solie, and Eddie Graham. Mae Young gets the biggest ovation and it’s awesome.

Backstage, Snoop Dog is on hand to host the Play Boy Bunny lumberjack match that will be occurring later on (no, the women are not even fighting for the title. That would require investment in the women’s division. Madness!). Luckily Santino is on hand to be funny. That’s his job and he does it well. Mick Foley has a cameo! Because we all love him.

Smackdown vs. Raw bragging rights match.  William Regal, the GM for RAW, and Teddy Long, the assistant GM for Smackdown, are in the ring, which is fine by me as I love Regal to bits. They announce the chosen representative from each show. Batista is here for Smackdown and Teddy’s intro for him is more interesting than anything that’s ever come out of the Animal’s mouth. This match is pretty much here because Batista had nothing else to do and they couldn’t shoehorn him into a title match. Umaga is representing Raw. You will all remember how he was wasted on the McMahon shenanigans last year, so I’m looking forward to him, if not his opponent.

Batista spends most of his time writhing in pain and being generally useless. I’m not going to give him props for selling this year. He’s just boring. Orlando rightfully starts to boo when Batista starts mounting a Miraculous Comeback. They know that Umaga is doing all the work here. Batista manages to pull off a Batista Bomb and wins after doing absolutely nothing. Yup, that was pretty much illustrative of why I cannot stand Batista. Whatever. Excellent effort by Umaga in demonstrating that big wrestlers can do much more than just lumber around.

Before everything got going tonight there was an over the top rope battle royal for the right to fight Chavo Guerrero for the ECW championship, a match that will be occurring now. Yeah, that’s how important ECW is. Anyway, Kane won. Oh, Kane. No story for you. I’m glad to see Chavo because…I just like Chavo. He’s reliable and fun to watch. This is the first ECW championship match at WrestleMania.

Kane is a sneaky fellow and doesn’t even enter from the ramp because he’s magic like that. Having caught Chavo off guard he immediately pins him after the bell rings and wins the belt. Yeah, that’s how important ECW is. I don’t object to Kane winning things, but that’s a little offensive. Poor ECW. Poor Chavo.

There’s a bit with Carlito fighting a seagull and it’s hilarious.    

                                                     

Raven Simone is here for some reason. Oh, she’s with Make a Wish. That’s nice. Ok, props to WWE. Their work with Make a Wish is pretty damn awesome.

Mike Adamle interviews the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Woo! God, Flair looks old. His game plan is to be the man. Well, thanks for that.

Flair is having a match against Shawn Michaels, and if he loses he will have to retire. Shawn enters first, in a relatively tame ensemble. He is clearly taking this seriously. It would be a little crass to upstage Flair, I suppose. Flair, as always, is resplendent in enormous blue spangled robes with white feather trimming. If Dumbledore was a wrestler, he would look like this.

Things start out with a great deal of grappling, as one would expect. Shawn attempts a moonsault to the outside, but he lands on the announce table. Flair starts to take control as a result, manhandling HBK. Shawn does ANOTHER moonsault, but it looks like he lands awkwardly again. The match moves a little slow, but, come on, Flair is, like, six hundred years old. He still does pretty well, though. After some more back and forth in the ring, Shawn gets ready for some sweet chin music, but Flair gets to lock in the Figure Four hold first. The match rolls on with some more holds and counters. Finally, it’s time for a Superkick, but Flair kicks out. Shawn looks like death, letting us know that he’s having a heck of time putting the old man away and it’s killing him to do it. Flair gets in a low blow when the ref isn’t looking. Yeah, he’s a legend, but he still fights dirty. I cannot take the Figure Four seriously. It does not look painful in the least. I love that everyone cheers every time Ric tries to cheat. Being old is awesome! Suddenly everything you do is loveable.

They really amp up the drama for the finale. Flair is struggling to his feet, begging Shawn to just get it over with. Shawn is absolutely heartbroken about what he has to do, hesitating before one final Superkick. Then it’s over and Flair is left in the ring to say goodbye to the fans. He’s crying, his family is crying. Hell, I’m tearing up and I’m not even a huge Nature Boy fan. That was an excellent send off, and well deserved.

And then Ric Flair rode off into the sunset and did not continue to drag out his career with another wrestling company. Sigh.

Edge tells us he’s going to beat the Undertaker to prove that you can’t count on anything, just like he couldn’t count on Hulk Hogan to win at WrestleMania when he was a little kid. Basically, Edge wants to crush all the children’s dreams. What a jerk. Canadians suck.

Sigh. Another lumberjack tag match for the Divas, because God knows none of them are capable of carrying a match on their own merits as performers and athletes (heavy sarcasm alert!). Oh, and they might be pretty, but they are NOT entertaining enough without the aid of a male celebrity; in this case, Snoop Dogg, who rides to the ring in a pimped out golf cart, while the women walk. Wow. Stay classy, Snoop. Also, we keep focusing on Snoop and his ride, not the actual women. I’m trying to figure out who’s here! God damn it, then they all just mill around the ring, and there is no point in their being there.

ANYWAY. Our first team consists of Ashley (remember her from last year? Yeah) and Maria. Neither of them are brilliant wrestlers, and both of them are wearing the least functional ring gear I’ve ever seen and JR agrees with me. Thank you, JR! Both of them seem more interested in dancing with Snoop, which does not surprise me.

Here we go: their opponents are Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix and Melina. Am I supposed to believe this is a contest? Beth can kill people just by looking at them. Sadly, they are accompanied by Santino Marella (remember, we can do nothing without men!). Santino used to date Maria and now he’s with Beth or something so: scandalous! Whatever, I look forward to Beth and Melina crushing their competition.

Ashley does at least try some moves, but she works very slowly. I also worry about the security of her top. As if things aren’t tough enough for the ladies, the lights go out during the match, but they keep going. Maria almost pins Beth, but Santino interferes, prompting King to also interfere. It’s too late for poor Maria though, as Beth finally gets the pin.

Honestly, that wasn’t a bad match. I’ve seen far, far worse. Ashley and Maria, though not in the same league as Beth (few in the WWE are) or Melina, put up an ok fight. What pisses me off is, again, the pointless lumberjack diva parade, the celebrity appearance, and the Santino and King involvement. All of that detracted from the match and made it the nonentity that the WWE wanted it to be. This was not about women’s wrestling, but it could have been. Beth is more than capable of carrying a match with lesser opponents. As I said, this was not a terrible match by any means, but the focus of this segment wasn’t on the match at all, and that’s bullshit. The WWE clearly thinks that the fans won’t give a shit about women’s wrestling without all the bells and whistles (and male aid to help those poor females). And the fans will continue to not give a shit unless the company takes some damn initiative and shows some faith in the ladies.

Now back to manly issues of manliness. Cena returned at the Royal Rumble after being horribly injured, because he’s super like that. He just wanted to be at WrestleMania again. Triple H won the Elimination Chamber and there were some shenanigans that led to both of them facing Randy Orton at WrestleMania for the WWE title.

Hmm, big brass band up the ramp and on the entrance. Cena must be here. The band really gets into playing Cena’s theme. It’s a pretty cool entrance, but this is Cena so: obviously. Orlando boos Cena and he’s just like, “Yeah, ok.” This is why I can’t help but like John Cena. Triple H enters next, looking appropriately huge and intimidating. Orton, as WWE champ, enters last. I still don’t like him. I probably never will. However, at this point he’s kind of still working the young cocky guy persona, which I at least found watchable.

In a shocking twist, Orton is actually the underdog here. Weird. And he even pulls off some cool moves. Weirder. There’s a cool bit where Orton tries to RKO Cena but Cena shoves him into Triple H in mid-air. Triple H mostly leaves the confrontations to Cena and Orton, coming in when things need to be broken up. Those are the bits I look forward to most, actually. There are times when I really don’t mind watching Triple H clean house, and this is one of those times.

Then we have a spotlight on just Hunter and Cena and I wonder where the heck Orton is until he comes in just in time to break up the pin and then immediately pin Cena.

Eh. It was an all right match. As I said, this was when I could still stand Orton and he was the underdog here. That doesn’t excuse a win out of nowhere (I HATE that!), but the other options were Triple H and Cena and no one here really needed another title. Triple H mostly carried that match, as one would expect. Not bad, not great.

Big Show is taking on Floyd Mayweather in one of the least silly wrestler/celebrity feuds we’ve had. Mayweather takes FOREVER to get to the ring. Does he think he’s the Undertaker or something? Dude, you’re just a boxer, and a strangely dressed one at that. He has this weird enormous fur/leather vest thing. With matching shorts. It’s odd. Ok, let’s get this started already! Oh God, with the circling and the jabbing and the I don’t care. Show, crush him so we can move on.

Show starts decimating Floyd’s entourage. Why is this not over yet? After taking a beating, Mayweather’s entourage try to take him away from the ring, but Show won’t have any of that. Finally, FINALLY, Mayweather cheats and takes out Big Show. The crowd isn’t happy and I don’t blame them. I know why the WWE has celebrity matches, but I always hate watching wrestlers have to lie down for non-wrestlers. Plus, that was a Miraculous Comeback if ever I saw one. Little boxer man, I don’t put up with that from John Cena, I certainly won’t put up with it from you.

Kim Kardashian is back, still failing to work up any believable enthusiasm.

Our main event is part of a long series of confrontations between Edge and the Undertaker. This is probably one of my favorite feuds. Their bad blood aside, Edge also has the World Heavyweight championship. Taker, as always, has his winning streak on the line. I’ve run out of jokes regarding Taker’s long entrances. Whatever, it’s cool. I have to say, though, it manages to be even more impressive outdoors. The flames get to be more…flamey.

Edge comes out with his wife, Vickie Guererro, incapacitated and in a wheelchair after having been Tombstoned. Yes, Vickie Guererro, Eddie’s widow, and current GM of Smackdown. Vickie is a delightful villain, blatantly misusing her power and manipulating the system. She’s also brilliant at getting the crowd to hate her. The Edge/Vickie team up was one of the many things I enjoyed about this feud. Taker is vastly unimpressed with Edge, while Edge is looking even more murderous than usual. I love this contrast: Edge’s energy vs. Undertaker’s seeming lack of motion.

Things start off, as they often do, with a stare down. Oooh, Taker is looking mean. I wouldn’t want to be Edge.

Hey, I just realized, Smackdown has the main event this year! Hurray for the blue brand!

I don’t really have much to say about this match. It’s just GOOD. The back and forth is pretty even. They take turns having the upper hand. It’s made clear that the only reason Edge is here and has a chance is because of his cheating and sneaky attacks on the Undertaker, as well as aiding Taker’s other enemies. When Edge counters the Chokeslam and other moves, it’s clear that he’s acting purely on instinct. He’s not better than Taker, he’s just really good at getting out of tight spaces. I like that he’s not afraid of the Undertaker, though. He really believes he can take the Phenom down, preferably in the most underhanded way possible.

After two previous tries, Taker finally goes Old School on Edge, but then Edge takes out the ref. He also foolishly takes time to taunt Taker. Silly Edge. This is not going to end well for you. He also swipes a camera to use while the ref is still out (this is a callback to what happened at Survivor Series earlier in the year). Even so, Taker still gets back up. Just as Taker finally gets a Tombstone and a pin, another heroic ref runs in, but Edge manages to kick out! And then come the Edgeheads, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins, Edge’s minions. Taker deals with them and then eats a Spear, but still kicks out. Edge, I told you this would not end well! Another Spear! OH NO IT’S TAKER’S INSTANT DEATH SUBMISSION MOVE! I CAN ONLY TYPE IN CAPS! EDGE TAPS! UNDERTAKER WINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

Here’s what I love about Taker’s match comebacks: They aren’t really Miraculous. He always lets us know that each win is killing him a little more. He has to fight his damndest to win, and, really, if he wasn’t the Phenom he would be toast. He always makes his opponents look good this way.

And that’s the way I like to end WrestleMania, with the Undertaker posing in the ring. Oooh, fireworks. Those are nice too.

I would just like to note that in the WrestleMania wrap-up montage, the women’s match does not get a spotlight. At all. That is despicable, to be perfectly honest.

Well, that was a pretty good WrestleMania. Definitely solid. Nothing made me go, “OMG that was the greatest match ever!!!!” But it was fun. I vastly enjoyed Money in the Bank (as always), as well as Finlay/JBL, and Undertaker/Edge. Everything else was perfectly fine, other than the silliness of the women’s match. However, I am sad that there was not a tag match.

                                                                                                                                                           

WrestleMania 23 (2007)

Montage of WrestleManias past. You know, the usual. We’re returning to Detroit, where WrestleMania was held 20 years earlier. Thus, there is also a montage of WrestleMania 3. Vince announces that America the Beautiful will be sung by Aretha Franklin. Arethamania runs wild on every single note, but I don’t begrudge her some showboating. There’s an awesome montage of Superstars doing a “when we were young” bit, complete with old pictures and kids doing impressions of them. For the first time, ECW will be represented along with RAW and Smackdown this year. Hurray for the little third brand that could!

Most impressive opening pyro yet, if I do say so. We’ve got JR and King on commentary(natch), JBL is joining Cole this year, and Taz is representing ECW with Joey Styles.

We start off with the best of the best: Money in the Bank. You all remember how this works, and how much I anticipate these matches. We’ve got Jeff Hardy, making his triumphant return to WrestleMania after five years. Booker T is now King Booker after winning the King of the Ring tournament. Finlay’s back. He still loves to fight. CM Punk is making his WrestleMania debut. He’s also the first ECW wrestler to be featured in WrestleMania. I won’t call him my beloved CM Punk (as we have seen, that particular endearment belongs to another), but if it weren’t for Chris Jericho, Mr. Punk would reign supreme in my wrestling affections. Just so you know. We also have Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy. He announces himself, which would be silly if he wasn’t so badass. It’s his first WrestleMania, too. And Matt Hardy's back, of course. Always the contender, never the winner. He’s up against Jeff, so: family drama! Good Heavens, Randy Orton is muddying up my Money in the Bank. Impress me, Randy. I love everyone in this ring except you, despite my present day feelings about Matt and Jeff Hardy. What? Edge is here too?!? I...am so excited for this match. I will likely squee.

Everyone comes out swinging. Edge tries to be sneaky early on, as is his wont, but Matt stops him. There’s a good pace set up from the beginning, with so much going on that I don’t know where to look! No Shelton Benjamin, which is disappointing, but I suspect I won’t mind too much. Attention is paid to the potential matchups of Matt and Edge, Matt and Jeff, and Edge and Orton (they used to be tag partners), but the attention paid to their histories isn’t too distracting. Matt and Jeff end up battling atop a ladder, but Finlay puts a stop to that nonsense. He’s not going to win, but man it’s fun to watch him brawl. Edge goes on a spear spree until he is stopped by Punk. Matt tries to get Jeff to work with him against Edge instead of going for the briefcase and after some indecision (which would work if Jeff could act) Jeff obliges his brother in his usual extreme fashion and he actually does some damage, as the “X” is signalled. To quote JBL, “Damn that Jeff Hardy! Damn him!”

 Everything pauses while Jeff and Edge are looked after, but then picks up again. Orton takes centre stage for a bit, then he and Punk battle atop a pair of ladders. Then it’s Orton and Booker. Then Booker and poor Matt, but Queen Sharmell is there to help her man. Matt still comes out on top, and it looks like he just...might...win. You guys, he totally won’t. Finlay is bleeding from the head and it looks nasty, though he’s grinning like a mad Irishman. Oh Christ, it’s Hornswoggle. The leprechaun. Sigh. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Finlay, no! Stay hardcore, don’t embrace this cartoon! Mr. Kennedy deals with the leprechaun and I’m sorry, but it’s always funny when people throw Hornswoggle around. Finlay’s still going for it, but here comes CM Punk! He breaks a ladder with a drop kick! Mr. Kennedy won’t let him have the briefcase without a fight. And Mr. Kennedy...Kennedy wins!

Aah, that was most satisfying. Great match, all! Great pace, great stories, great ending. There was tension, there was fightin,’there was everything I love. Well done, young guys! (and Finlay).

Todd Grisham interviews the new Mr. Money in the Bank backstage. Kennedy is so awesome at being an asshole.

And now we’re going to learn about Dave Batista. Look, Batista had a rough childhood and he worked hard...but I don’t like him, I just don’t.

Speaking of uninteresting, it’s the Great Khali representing RAW in an interbrand match. The Great Khali is big. That’s all you need to know. Kane is representing Smackdown. There’s no one else I’d rather have in my corner, though I’d like to see Kane get better matches. Kane is going to carry the hell out of this match. All Khali can really do is shove and throw, which Kane sells like the pro he is. The crowd is on Team Kane. The match is slow, because Khali is slow. Unfortunate. You can feel the crowd slipping away. After doing his damndest to make this match interesting, Kane has to lose to Khali. Poor Kane. We all know who the real winner was here.

Diva montage! The women...are being celebrated? What...what is this happy place?

Good heavens, Eugene is hanging out with Cryme Tyme. And the Extreme Expose. The less said the better. Much better. Ugh. However, a dance party breaks out with many legends of times past. I can’t fault that. Okay, that was kind of cool.

It’s MVP! This is his first WrestleMania and he comes with cheerleaders and a rather impressive entrance. He’s a bad guy here, but I like him. He’s competing for the US championship, held by Chris Benoit. It’s interesting hearing JBL talking about Benoit, since they just fought last year. I like the dynamic these two have going. MVP is cocky and swaggering, trash talking and trying to be flashy. Benoit is calm, but it’s the controlled calm of a veteran. He’s looking to take this young guy to school. They both have one thing on their mind—winning—but their contrasting attitudes are fun to watch. JBL comments that Benoit is sure to go into the Hall of Fame one day and I cringe. 

MVP tries to get technical with Benoit and beat him at his own game, but you can’t beat the tenacity of the Wolverine. MVP unfortunately unleashes his special move—Ballin'—which I have always hated.

  As it looks like Benoit is really struggling against this young upstart he gets back into things, reminding us of why he’s great. The crowd is ecstatic to see him claw back, like we all knew he could. And Benoit wins.

That was a good match. I liked that Benoit let MVP have the upper hand and show off for awhile. He didn’t have a Miraculous Comeback—he made sure we knew that he had to work to beat the young guy. He didn’t win by awesomeness alone. This is part of why he was so great. JBL sings his praises. Yeah, that's hard to watch.

Donald Trump is backstage, being Trump-like. And the Boogeyman is here too. Blech. This would be funnier if I cared about either of them.

Hall of Fame.  Inducted this year are the Wild Samoans, the Sheik, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect (Curt Hennig), Jerry Lawler, and Dusty Rhodes. The Fink introduces us to the new class of 2007. Curt Hennig is represented by his family and the Sheik is represented by his wife.

It seems that dramatic events took place, as they often seem to, at the Royal Rumble. The Undertaker won and chose to face Batista at WrestleMania for the World Heavyweight belt, and thus began a back and forth that took place on Smackdown running up to WrestleMania. Maybe it’s because I know how this is going to go, maybe it’s because I just don’t like Batista, but I’m having a hard time getting psyched for this match, epic montages notwithstanding.

Smackdown GM (and former ref) Theodore Long announces the match. The crowd is excited to see Batista, even if I’m not. Well done, Detroit. You beat Chicago in spades. I’m also impressed at how much credence is being given to this SmackDown match, as compared to last year. Taker out-entrances Batista, as expected. Druids chanting with fire and darkness and bells tolling and fog and epic and whatnot. You know, the usual. Taker takes his time getting to the ring, just because he can. If Batista could act, he’d be looking a bit like his resolve was wavering. Mostly he looks confused. I don’t know where Taker keeps the Druids when he’s not using them either, Dave.

Batista takes charge early. The crowd is divided. Can I say how much I’m enjoying JBL and Cole on commentary together? Because I am. Taker gets his own back, as he does. You’d think I’d get tired of that, but I never do. That’s how awesome he is. You know what? I’m going to give Batista some props. All he has to do is react to getting beat up, and he does it well. He also looks appropriately desperate and at the end of his rope when he tries to get his own back. His moves still aren’t interesting, but I’m giving him some credit. He also puts Taker through a table, which is no mean feat. I can’t tell if it’s the Spanish or the ECW table, but either way that sort of thing is just uncalled for! Ooh, the crowd is not happy when it looks like Batista might win. Luckily, Taker gets a Chokeslam in...but Batista kicks out! Check it out: Tension in a Batista match! Granted, a great deal of it is due to the Undertaker, but I have to say that Batista is mostly doing a good job of holding his own. A Tombstone ends things and gives Taker the belt. 15-0, bitches. Good match, Smackdown!

Backstage with Vince and Steph. Hi, Steph!

Poor Taz and Joey Styles haven’t had their table replaced.  They finally get to do commentary though, for an 8 man tag match featuring the ECW roster. Some info on ECW, the WWE's "third brand:" ECW was first founded as a wrestling promotion in 1992 and closed in 2001. The WWE then bought ECW and in 2006 made it into another "brand," like SmackDown, but it never ranked in importance with Raw or Smackdown. It was still an enjoyable little show, though. ECW's legacy is extreme or hardcore matches, still fondly remembered by its fans. The actual value of said matches is still up for debate...

Anyway, our first team is called the ECW Originals—Sabu, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, and Rob Van Dam. They’re being billed as men of the people, toiling through the small town equivalent that is ECW. They are fighting against the New Breed—Matt Striker, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorn, and Elijah Burke. Young vs Old, that kind of thing. Sabu has very shiny pants. RVD’s the only one who has been at WrestleMania before. I like this. The young guys are flashy, but everyone clearly knows what they’re doing. It’s really a great way to showcase ECW, both what it has been and what it could be. It’s a great tag match too—the New Breed tag a lot, making quick changes, keeping things exciting. Taz is in his element, crowing about how awesome it is that ECW is here at WrestleMania. RVD is...RVD, which is to say, he is awesome and I could watch him flip about for hours. Things turn into a bit of a brawl, which is extreme and therefore totally appropriate. RVD pins Striker for his team. That match was too short by far, but that’s life when you’re in an ECW match in a WWE PPV. Still, good stuff, guys! Very extreme.

Ehhh. Battle of the Billionaires between Mr. McMahon and Donald Trump. The loser also loses his hair. Each billionaire will be represented by an actual wrestler, Vince by Umaga, who also happens to be Intercontinental Champion, and Trump by Bobby Lashley, who also happens to be ECW Champion. Stone Cold will be refereeing. Ehh. I like Umaga and I love Stone Cold, but you all know how I feel about these types of matches. Just...no. I would rather have seen Umaga and Lashley (though I don’t care about him) have title defense matches.

Mr. McMahon, Trump, Umaga, and Lashley all enter separately and each entrance takes FOREVER. I just want this to be over. Umaga and Lashley start off with a stare down. They’re both big, intimidating guys, particularly Umaga. Lashley is more entertaining than he was in Money in the Bank last year. Umaga and Stone Cold have a stare down, and then the Rattlesnake gets more directly involved. Umaga has to be careful and not disrespect the ref. This really isn’t a bad match. I like it when big guys do more than just lumber around (oh hai, KHALI). Stone Cold refuses to do a double count out. Then Shane comes to assist his dad...for some reason. The pace to this match is way off. It should be faster, but there’s a weird dynamic to it that I’m not understanding.

Umaga accidentally takes out Stone Cold and Shane gets involved, taking it to Lashley along with Umaga. Shane gets in his one awesome move. Oh, and Shane’s got ref stripes on under his shirt (that’s all you need to be an official ref, apparently). Stone Cold gets up just in time to prevent Shane stealing one for his Dad. Umaga...takes him out again. Ok, this can be over now. Donald takes it to Vince, Stone Cold Stuns Umaga, and Lashley picks up the win. Wow, was Lashley ever lucky. Surely Vince won’t consent to losing his hair? That’s the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person! Austin tries to bring him to justice, Shane interferes, Austin does what he does, Vince tries to sneak away. Lashley decides to be useful and chases Vince down, depositing him in the ring. Stone Cold Stuns him, they get him in the barber’s chair and the clippers come out. How shocking! How totally worth all the time being wasted here! Ok, enough. This great WrestleMania has been stalled long enough. After being totally chill and drinking beer while Mr McMahon’s head was shaved, Stone Cold Stuns Trump. Because he can and that’s why we love him.

Apparently before things got serious tonight there was a lumberjack match between Chavo and Carlito, which Carlito won. Boy, I would have liked to see that instead of that Billionaire Bullshit.

Lumber “jill” match—clever, that—for the Women’s Championship. Most of the women are wearing ridiculous attire when they will be expected to get physical at some point. Sigh. Our first competitor is Ashley. Ah, yes, Ashley. Winner of the Diva Search. Ashley works this whole poseur punk, bad girl angle that I have always found irritating in both men and women. She’s edgy! Really! I mean, she’s got dark streaks in her blond hair! She's wearing a ball cap backwards! How anti-establishment! The champion going in is Melina, whose character is a paparazzi conscious celebrity. Melina is fun to watch, and I like her a lot. I wish she was up against someone else. Anyone else. Ashley is wearing a stupid leather corset/skirt combo and it’s dumb. I just… I miss Lita.

This, children, is where the women’s division, after coming so far, will start to fall again. For starters, the women are now known officially as Divas. Granted, the men are now known as Superstars, which is equally silly, but the men have never been in danger of being the designated bits of fluff. Title matches will now be contested by the less talented members of the roster just as much as the women who can actually wrestle. The legitimate talent, after clawing its way to good WrestleMania matches and compelling storylines, is few and far between as the company starts hiring models and any number of pretty faces through the Diva Search, but not many actual wrestlers. This is just baffling. I can’t believe we went from Trish and Mickie’s awesome match with its awesome build-up to this ridiculous fanservice. This isn’t even a match. It’s “Look at all the Divas! Pretty, pretty Divas!”

Melina wins after a largely uninteresting match that the crowd could not have cared less about. For once, I can’t fault them. Melina was good, but there’s only so much you can do when style is prized so much more over substance. All the Divas then get in on the action in the ring, short skirts and all. So. Very. Progressive.

Everyone went for a snack during the women’s match and now it’s main event time: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena. Cena goes in with the title, of course. Michaels hasn’t held the title for nine years and he’s come to face Cena after defeating Randy Orton and Edge. There is some very slow music playing over a montage of the two men. It is extremely jarring. I feel like I’m in a spa. A relaxing, WrestleMania spa. It gets more epic, but that doesn’t really help. Man, this build up is taking forever. It’s John Cena and Shawn Michaels. I know it’s going to be huge.

Shawn enters to the DX theme, for some reason. He’s not even wearing DX colours, so...what? He’s actually World Tag Team Champion with John Cena right now...but that’s not DX. So...what? And yes, the Tag Champions are, in fact, also fighting each other for the WWE title. I’ve used up all my ranting on the women’s match, I forgot to lament the equal decline of the tag division. Neither of them even have their tag belts with them!

Cena speeds in car to get to WrestleMania. It’s pretty impressive and really the only way to top HBK’s usual bedazzled stroll down the entrance ramp. The crowd isn’t much impressed, sadly. There’s even a “Die Cena” sign. Oh, calm down. I have never understood extreme Cena haters. He’s fun, he’s likable, and he puts on a good show. Admittedly, his constant winning gets irritating, but, come on. He’s our hero. He has to win.

Despite what the crowd would have you believe, Cena is doing a very good job here, though he’s mostly suffering an HBK assault. He’s intense, he’s struggling, and he looks like he’s being hurt. That doesn’t mean I don’t anticipate a Miraculous Comeback, but still. Shawn, meanwhile, is looking like a big jerk, utterly relentless. It’s a side we don’t often see of the fun loving, wise cracking, flashy HBK, and I love it.

As expected, John starts to get his own back, and it takes the wind out of Shawn’s sails. Suddenly he’s bloody and hurt. And suddenly John has forgotten that he’s been limping. Oh, John. The Five Knuckle Shuffle is executed to a chorus of boos. CHILL OUT, DETROIT.

HBK accidentally super kicks the ref when Cena ducks. Whoops. Guess who that was? Yup, Mike Chioda, probably the most abused ref in WrestleMania history.

Shawn’s face is all bloody and boy is he mad. He piledrives Cena onto the ring steps. Detroit has a field day, but I mostly wince. Another ref FINALLY runs in, like, way to pay attention, refs! There are several near pins, and each man clearly has no idea how they can pull this off, becoming more desperate. They each amount what should be devastating attacks, but to no avail. I like that after each attempt they have to take some time to recover, making it clear that all their energy is being expended.

Cena eventually wins after Shawn taps out. That was a tad unsatisfying. Shawn took control so early and tended to dominate the match after that. As I’ve said, Cena did an excellent job selling how hurt he was while still appearing as a legitimate opponent, but then he would mount a Miraculous Comeback that he really shouldn’t have been able to do considering how much punishment he had taken. It was more believable later on in the match when they were both clearly exhausted. Cena should have gotten more hits earlier. The furious flurry of counters that occurred later in the match should have been the norm from the beginning. I just didn’t buy that Shawn was done for enough to tap out.

Cena tries to catch up and reconcile with Shawn after the match, because he is a good guy (shut up, Detroit, you know it’s true!), but HBK is having none of it.

The end! That was a really good WrestleMania, with only a small amount of sour notes. Yay!   

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